No hope for impossible parents. How do I walk away?

Hi. I'm sorry to learn you are struggling to cope with these challenges. If I may ask, besides your love and devotion to them, is there any other reason that you would make yourself responsible for them at the expense of your own health?

I'm so sorry you are going through such turmoil with your parents. I think if it were me in your shoes, I'd disable their car by removing the spark plugs or whatever, then dispose of the keys so that NOBODY is in possession of them b/c they no longer exist. That would force dad to either buy a new car or have new keys made after calling a locksmith AND a mechanic to come to the house to diagnose the issue. With dementia at play, it's not so easy to figure out how to accomplish such tasks. You don't mention dad having dementia, but, based on his behaviors & refusal to stop driving even after causing accidents, I'd venture to guess there IS dementia at play here. If, by some miracle, he's able to get the car back in working order, repeat your actions to disable it again. After disabling the car, I'd leave their house (if that's where you're living) and get out of the madness.

I think the paralegal is right; you'll have to step back & away from your folks and let them do their own thing at home (without the car) and have a crisis occur before they can be placed. What that means is, one of them will have an accident, break a leg or a hip, go to the hospital and then rehab who will refuse to release them back to living independently at home. THAT is when managed care or full time in-home help will be their only option. In the meantime, step BACK and care for YOURSELF b/c your life is just as important (or more important) than THEIRS at this point. Setting yourself on fire to keep them warm is a mistake, and your nervous breakdown is proof of that.

You DO have to save your own life now! It's not wrong to want to live YOUR life and to allow them to live theirs, at least to some degree. You're not 'walking away' ....you're being FORCED to leave them to fend for themselves after trying everything in your power to help them, and having THEM refuse the help. You can't force a person to take care of themselves; they have to want to do it. Even though your folks are incapable of caring for themselves at this point, it's going to require them being FORCED into care before they accept it. #Truth. Don't go down the drain yourself waiting for that to happen!

Wishing you the best of luck realizing your limitations here, and agreeing to take care of yourself now. Should you ever feel like suicide is the only way out of this situation, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255

You explain to them that you are now leaving for your own health reasons. Full stop. Period. End of explanation.
Give them the numbers for Adult Protective Services in their area and for the police and 9-1-1.
Then you leave.
If you will not leave, no one can make you, just as it has taken you this long to recognize that no one can make THEM change. You have done everything humanly possible.
AA has a phrase that goes something like "Let-go-and-let-God". While I am not a believer and I might change that last word to "let the universe" I am capable of understanding that IF there is a God, I AM NOT IT. I am a human being with limitations. To believe I could change the above screnarios a bit by sacrificing my life to it would be wrong.
I am relieved that you are seeing a therapist, but understand that he or she is ALSO human. No one can do this for you but yourself. Often it is terrifying to makes changes, even when your current situation is untenable, because the one thing more terrifying than where you are, is making a change to the unknown.
I wish you luck. Again, so happy you have a therapist.
The choice is yours. No one can make it for you. My heart goes out to you, but clearly you have done everything humanly possible.

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is ...nothing.
You can report the situation to Adult Protective Services.
You can make a call to the State Elder Abuse hotline. Neglect of one parent by another, lack of self care all comes under that umbrella.
Often what it takes is a catastrophic incident to either get someone to admit that they need help or help has to step in because of a disaster.
If either has been diagnosed with dementia, and you say your mom has if dad is not caring for her properly you could try to get Guardianship. That would solve a problem with your mom.
If dad has dementia as well a formal diagnosis would help as you could do the same.
If the house is unsafe you could also report that to your local Health Department and or Building and Zoning.

to the last of your post...
How can you walk away...?
You pack your bags and walk out the door.
And yes you will probably feel guilty. But you have no reason to. This is NOT your fault, NOT your problem. The best way to change things is to change your thoughts, actions, reactions.

You have received already so much good advice. To simplify I would do everything in your power to make DMV,police etc aware of how dangerous it is for them to drive. Make notation of that. Then I would walk away which I know is very difficult but they are destroying your life along with their own. Take control over what you can with yourself. Realize your self worth. You do not deserve to be destroyed by them.

Just affirming what others have eloquently pointed out to you. You have done literally everything humanly possible, and you can't "fix" them or their situation. You are bound by law so cannot go any further. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are not "guilty" of anything as you've done nothing wrong. On the contrary, you've gone above and beyond, done a yeoman's job, etc. Interpret what you feel now as grief, not guilt.

There is a solution that is distasteful to you, but it is a solution nonetheless: call APS and keep reporting them. At some point the county can acquire guardianship of one or both of them and then they will constrain them legally into safe and protected environment.

Often on this website others have referenced the example of being on a plane that is in a nosedive. You are traveling with 2 people who are not capable of figuring out how to put on their oxygen masks. So you correctly put yours on first, so that you can save yourself, and then help them -- if that's what you choose to do. If you delay and pass out/die, you won't be any help to them anyway. The ONLY way left to help them is by making yourself a priority and putting your mask on first. You're not neglecting or abandoning them. Doing this does NOT mean you don't love them. Please move out, and let another solution take form.

You state that you contacted the DMV. Did they require your dad to meet with a MD and Therapists to ensure that when he renews the license that he is fit to drive. Many states allow you to submit an anonymous concern about any driver that is incapable of driving. As a condition of filing the concern the driver must pass a physical and be evaluated by a licensed psychiatric doctor/counselor. If they don't meet with them or fail the medical exam/ psych screening then the license can not be renewed. You could do this for both your parents. Once a license is rendered voided by the state if they drive and are caught they face serious issues. Also once a licensed has been voided the insurance carrier must be notified and can not be renewed till the issue is corrected. You can not buy a car without a license or insurance. You might also call the insurance company and anonymously report your dad. All of this is easy to find online and the paperwork is easy to submit.

I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through. You’ve truly done all you can in this situation and are absolutely correct in changing course to care for yourself. I’m glad you’ve got a therapist and hope he/she will walk you through the steps of self care and preservation. The system is set up that many are put in the position of waiting for a bad event. But you’re not obligated to lose yourself and your life waiting on this and if your parents were healthy and whole they’d never want you to. Acceptance is a gift to yourself, just like the serenity prayers says, accept the things you cannot change. I hope you’ll be able to come back and let us know you’ve moved on from the toxic stew and gotten in a much more positive place. I wish you healing and peace

Last year, the whole year, I dealt with a stubborn, independent mother just like your parents it sounds like. I won't go into detail, but after several accidents, hospitals, facilities, going to assisted living, going back home alone, having the worst accident of all to put her back in hospital now nursing home. I understand the guilt you feel. I really do. I have felt it too and I have been feeling so stressed out and depressed it is hurting my health too. I am determined not to let her ruin my life. I have done everything for her, including selling her home and moving her things many times with no help. When she was really in bad shape and said she wished she would die, she said she was sorry for what she put me through. Now she is getting much better and that stubborn, independent attitude is coming right back! She plans to leave there when she gets better. I cannot let her suck me into hell again worrying about her. She is in a safe place. I have to think of myself now. God bless you. Please take care of yourself. You have done more than enough to try to convince your parents. It may just have to come to something really bad happening. It usually does. But that will not be your fault.

Do you live in existential terror of everything that might happen as a result of somebody's stupid or crackpot or pig-headed decision? You'd never get a wink of sleep if you did.

Your therapist should focus on how (I don't know how) you detach yourself from your parents. You are not responsible for their choices, any more than you are for the choices of any other adult human being on the planet.

You do, moreover, have endless independently verified and documented evidence that you have moved heaven and earth to help them make better, safer choices. You have the best reason of all to stop: namely, that it doesn't work. Yes, you will have to wait for them to crash. God willing, it will only be metaphorically.

Thank you everyone for all your support, solidarity and advice. I've been reaching out to lots of resources and help and here's a similar response I found so helpful from a local Alzheimer's organization: “It is understandably difficult when you want so badly to help, and can see how much a change in circumstances would benefit your parents, but they are not ready to accept that help. It is so important to know that you are not responsible for their refusing to move, and you cannot force them to make a good decision; even a person who has a cognitive impairment has a right to make bad decisions, and, unless they are deemed non-competent or are at a point when they can no longer carry out the steps necessary to make those bad decisions, unfortunately, no one can make good decisions for them. As promised, you may want to remind yourself on the difficult days that ".I cannot force them to accept help, and I cannot be responsible when they refuse the help I offer. I can only be here with options and a plan for when the time comes that they are ready to accept the help I can give." I know this can be so hard to get through, especially during this point in the disease process. Please know that you are not alone in this, and it is NOT your fault; Dementia often does not allow for ideal outcomes, and we can only do the best we can, no matter how hard we try. It is important to recognize your own limitations in this situation, do what you can, and accept what you cannot, and keep in mind that that can be a moving line. There may be days when you can do more, and days when you reach that boundary much sooner, and that is ok.”

Your health and well being should be your primary concern. Walk away from your parents.

Does it solve their situation, no, but it removes you from crazy town.

We cannot save people who do not want saving.

Continue to disable the car. Write with a bold Sharpie in the inside of the Hood that the car has been disabled as your parents are unsafe drivers. Make it clear that you will hold anyone who enables their driving partially responsible for any accidents they get into and deaths they may cause, including your parents death.

PS it took me a while - but I did relax.

I know I did all I could, with the resources I had, with professional input, within the law.

It did not *solve* the problem nor *save* the person from unwise decisions, but I have peace. I can relax.

We are stretched thin in the worse of the pandemic here, high illness, high hospitalisation, lowered ambulance response time. But I still have peace.

I did my best.

Please keep your hope alive. Hope that you get to a peaceful place too.

Reading your responses, Want2, at least comforts me that on some level you do understand that your post here is about YOU, not really about your parents. What can be done about them has been done. Like millions of parents, they do not wish to have your help. And of course there are millions more who have no children at all. Eventually, at some point of crisis the state steps in and takes over the care of these elders whether they want it or not, whether they have children or not.
So basically we are down to you and your own mental breakdowns and your needs to get better. You have a therapist, and that is your best guide to helping yourself through your own issues toward a healthy way of life for yourself. We cannot help in this. We can send you our support but that does little. The hard work is yours, and your therapist's.
Just wishing you so much luck moving forward. You are bright and engaged, and have sought the help for yourself that you need. You have tremendous insight into your own condition, and into the choices your parents have made. I have great faith in your moving forward for yourself.

You tried. And tried. And tried.
At some point you have to let your technically competent parents make their own decisions - even though they’re letting their emotions overrule logic. “You can’t have a rational discussion with an irrational person” regardless of age.

How to walk away:
Doing the same thing over & over & expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Your efforts have been fruitless and created unhealthy dynamics. Accept you can’t change them NOW. Tell them you love them. Leave. Use the time to nurture yourself. Then you’ll be in a better place to help when they’re ready to listen.

Based on advice from SIL re: teenagers. If I stay awake worrying & they’re okay, I wear myself out needlessly. If my teen’s not okay, better to be rested when they need me.

You know what I'd do? I'd print out what you wrote in a large font, hand it to your dad, THEN walk away.

The need to get your parents off the road: is it possible that you could talk to a lawyer to get advice on this? Particularly legal liability/ their losing everything financially if they get into an accident/ the limits of insurance coverage? I am no expert, you understand, but in another situation I know of, a lawyer was able to make it clear to an unsafe elder that the fact that "I have insurance" might not fully protect them if they caused an accident? That fact, the possibility of financial wipeout persuaded the elder to cease driving. And spreading the work around town about the accident dad caused - would the social embarrassment work?

dear want2havehope,

hugs!!

you wrote:
"engaging them-crashing-recovering, engaging them-crashing-recovering, repeat. Each time you crash is lower. The next inevitable crisis I will crash lower and not come back. So it's not even a metaphoric crash for them, I have real experience with them that something WILL happen."

----
i totally understand.
similar situation on my side:
a lot of stress worrying. a lot of my help/suggestions refused. then an accident (fall) happened (could have been prevented with my suggested solution), etc.
then i help with the consequences of the accident.
etc.
unfortunately, this happened again.


i love my parents verrry much.

solution?
the way i've dealt with it is like this:
i set up a system to the best of my ability (good paid caregivers at home).
the system is not water-tight (i understand no system is water-tight...but there are systems that can be greatly improved). in my case, accidents can still happen, unfortunately. i have more suggestions on how to make things safer (suggestions were refused).

but i've done my absolute best.

i used to worry verrrry much (at night, during the day).
like you OP, it was totally realistic, justified worry, because in reality THINGS were happening: accidents (falls), etc.

i worry less now.
i simply can't continue like this: totally stressed/worried.

i tried my absolute best to make things as safe as possible for my LOs.
i succeeded recently in adding more things to the system to make things safer (it wasn't refused).

(by the way OP, you're worried about your LOs maybe harming/killing someone driving. that's badddd of course. one thing is for LOs to make bad decisions that harm themselves, another thing is to harm/kill someone else. i hope you can get the licence revoked. how about sabotaging the car anyway? they buy a new car. you sabotage the car again. the car mysteriously doesn't work; you have nothing to do with it. ask a mechanic how to best secretly sabotage a car.)

(by the way OP, if you feel you should report your parents to APS, as a danger not only to themselves, but as a real danger/threat to others, then please do so. maybe killing/harming someone is serious).

----
returning to my case, i worry less now.
i implemented the best possible system i could do.

i must now focus on my life, otherwise my life will totally drown.

things will happen (i hope not) ---- but that's how it is. when you're older/frail, unfortunately things will happen. we have the best possible system in place, given all the facts of our case.

now i should focus on me.

what i tell myself is:
let your success be their happiness.

a loving parent wants you to be happy, successful in life. (if a parent isn't loving, that's what they should want for you). a loving parent doesn't want to eat up your life.

i want to help my LOs AND myself.

-------------so what i mean OP, is that when you've done your best, you've done your best.

----
to summarize:

i did my absolute best in setting things up as safely as possible.
now, i focus on me. i "worry" about my life --- in the sense that i pour my "worry" and helping, into helping my life.

hugs!!

bundle of joy :)

I hope you do not live with them. It is so much easier to walk away living else where and that is what you need to do. You have done everything possible to help them with no avail, now is the time to start helping yourself. Perhaps stepping back will give your parents the realization that something needs to be done. I would not tamper with their car it is a crime to do so even if it is for valid reasons. All you can do is make Adult Protective Services aware of your concerns and let them handle them. Suicidal thoughts are a serious mental health issue that you must address immediately. You are your own priority to take care of yourself and get back into a better frame of mind.

I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist. This is a lot to deal with. I hope you are not truly suicidal. If so, you know you have to reach out for help on that ASAP. There are changes you can make ASAP so that you do not feel trapped. You are STRONG enough to do whatever you want.

Does your dad have dementia as well? Even if not diagnosed, it seems there might be something going on. Maybe it pales in comparison to your mom's case, but it should not be ignored.

I hope you can stop being in "existential terror of what may happen". Stuff is going to continue to happen. Probably plenty of bad stuff. That's kind of the norm with dementia. Please try to accept this fact and not to be so afraid. That high level of stress is unnecessary and does not help anyone. Especially you! Do some deep breathing and come to terms with the crazy. That is not under your control.

It doesn't have to black or white. You can help your parents a bit, IF you want to. But you get to decide what to do. How much. When. Since you can't continue doing all you have been, might be good to arrange to have staff come to their home to pick up the slack. If they send them away, that's on them, not you.

Definitely disable the car and hide the keys off-site.

So sorry this is happening to you. Try to get them to a real medical doctor to evaluate their mental competency. When they are declared incompetent, then put them into memory care. The other option is to wait until the next ER visit or accident and explain to the authorities how you have tried to help them. Let the authorities lock them away in memory care.

To use a good phrase from 12-Step programs, wise little mottos: "Let Go, Let God (or whatever you acknowledge to move life along)"...because in a case like this you cannot do anything more than you've already done. Yes, we hope there's no accidents/deaths, but if things fall apart for your folks the authorities/social services will step in for the community's sake. Your mother may be placed in a facility appropriate for her needs; your father elsewhere, as needed. That you've already crashed means you simply must take care of you; release them with love; it is not abandonment, it is accepting reality: a hopeless situation that requires more than you can handle nor change. Find good support for yourself, counselor, etc. to endure the unfolding of your parents' chosen path. Yes, you must save your life over theirs; no one is expected to sacrifice themselves and it is Not wrong to want to live: that is a Sign of Life, of your innate understanding of the Law of Nature, which is always lifeward. For whatever reason your parents seem to be giving in to their decline toward death as hard as it is to witness. You walk away by making all the appropriate agencies aware of the situation so that when things evolve in whatever direction your folks will be on their 'radar.' Adult Protective Services might be an appropriate contact if you haven't consulted with them already. When my declining mom became difficult I appealed to APS, asking 'what happens when the elder just doesn't get it, won't cooperate?' and their answer was, you let things run their course and then mom would be placed wherever space was found; it was a terrible prospect, but out of my hands. In my case, Grace intervened and she passed away the morning of the day I was to interview a place to try to place her. These situations did not happen overnight; the dynamics were in place for a very long time. It is their path, not yours even tho you are blood relations; everyone has their own destiny.

You disconnect part of the car engine.
You change the keys on the chain so they do not work.
You put glue or something in the door / key hole to jam it (if it takes a key to open (mine doesn't).

You need to get out of this situation.
Your responsibility now is to yourself and healing yourself. If you do not have your health, what is left for you? Nothing. I believe you are writing us here for validation.

Your cries for support are validated.

You need to help yourself.

If you legally do not have any recourse, accept this and if you do not, I question why not? You matter. Just take care of the car per above instructions . . . / suggestion. Even if he buys a new one, take part of the engine away so he can't start it.

Sometimes, the police and/or DMV cannot do anything until an MD submits in writing they / your dad is incompetent and unable to drive a vehicle. Even if license is revoked, some people will drive anyway. Do both - from a distance. It is frightening to realize that some people with dementia - and many - are driving.

Take care of yourself. If you are suicidal, your therapist must take some action on your behalf for your safety. What does s/he say ? Do ? Advise ?

Your life depends on you letting go. Do you see this?
What is running you to continue to self-abuse?

Gena / Touch Matters

No one wants to hear more of the details, but did I add that my dad is in such fear about his high blood pressure that he refused a simple blood pressure check by nurses at the AL and went ballistic? They couldn't even get a reading it was so high. My uncle died of a stroke, HBP runs in the family. So he is up for an imminent stroke and he falls asleep easily and could at the wheel (I think it's related to HBP). Of course we must get them to real doctors but they don't use normal doctors. I won't post anymore details but will explore all this trauma and stress in therapy.

For starters, the car keys should not even be in your parent's house. Keep them at your house. This way when your father is berating the caregiver about it, the keys can't be produced even if she wanted to. I feel sorry for whoever is their hired caregivers. I've had many clients like your parents. Some sweet, loving caregiver who thinks she has a halo on her head is not the kind of caregiver people like your parents need.
They need an older one who's experienced with this kind of behavior. One who knows how to put a stubborn senior in their place and how to keep them there for their own safety and everyone else's.
Now, you are in no fit condition to be handling any of it just right now because you need to take some time and have a rest.
Here's what you do for them. Pay a visit to the police department in the town they live in. Tell the cops that they have dementia and have caused car accidents, but the DMV is aware. Ask the police to do regular wellness checks on your parents because they are at-risk adults. The police department will report them to APS (Adult Protective Services) and to your state's department of social services. When the calls come in from the police these agencies get on the ball a lot faster than if it was a family member trying to get help.
Also, don't pay any mind to what a paralegal working for an elder law attorney has to say. Police, social workers, and healthcare professionals are who handle these kinds of situations. Not elder lawyers or their paralegals. Please talk to the police department. They will help you and will probably send a social worker to speak with you too. Then let the state take it from there. Good luck and please keep us posted.

I get anxiety just reading this. Why would any doctor, police or DMV want someone like these two on the road. Laws have to change. I know, no one wants to be the bad guy. With my Grandson's PCP, as soon as he found my GSs seizures were not being controlled by medication, he reported him to DMV and told him not to drive. My GS was in his early 20s. He had to work. He depended on us and friends for rides. We had a police officer in town who knew his Mom should not be driving. He was told she needed to have an accident where it was determined her Dementia was the cause before her licence could be taken away. So, she needs to kill someone first.

We need help in supervising our parents. Once Dementia is in the mix we as children should have some sort of control and a law backing us up. If our parents were children, CPS would come in and take them away. Dementia makes them like children. We need laws in place to protect them and others around them. A car is a weapon and people have gone to jail for vehicular homicide.

I think by law a Dr. should be made to report to DMV any diagnosis of Dementia or any desease that would interfere with driving. Then its up to DMV to contact the person and have them come in for a driving test and eye test. This is followed up every 3 to 6 months. With a family member or designated person having the right to call if there are any changes in that time. If the person doesn't comply, then DMV revolks his licence until he does comply.

We can't help our parents if our hands are tied. And we can't be held responsible either. If our parents have rights in situations like this, then we cannot be held accountable when something drastic happens. Driving is a privilege not a right. You can legally take a drunk off the streets but you can't legally take a person whose brain is dying off the streets?

You may just need to walk away and wait for the disaster. You have tried everything with no help. So if something does happen you say "I tried and no one listened".

Can you call the city and have the house cited or condemned? I know it sounds extreme, but if the house is dangerous, that is an issue. I would also call Adult Protective Services and see if they can help you out. At least there will be professional documentation. I would also call the police department and speak to the Chief and ask him if there is anything you can do as you are concerned that, with all the accidents, and your father falling asleep at the wheel, they will kill someone. Praying for you and your parents.

Make yourself unavailable and just move. If you can afford their care, just put it on auto-pay and call them once in awhile.

Run. Sorry, but yes, run. Get away, whether geographical or mentally. You have done your best.

Call Adult Protective Service in your area, explain they are dangerous to themselves and others and have APS come see for themselves. Tell them, you have done everything possible to assist and they resist every turn. See if APS can get them evaluated and in turn, placed somewhere.

You’re right, you can’t make them, however if they are found to be a safety risk, I think APS should be able to get the ball rolling. It’s brutal and won’t be a good situation, but yeah, you really have no choice. Report them to APS and get out while you can. I know you don’t want to do that, but it sounds like you have no choice. Good luck & keep us posted.

Want2havehope, you live separate, yes?

Are the folks blowing up your phone day & night with 'urgencies'?

What specific tasks must you do for them this week?

Let's see if we can thinktank to offload some?