No hope for impossible parents. How do I walk away?

want2havehope,

Maybe you shouldn't assume that you'll come undone if there's one more moment of your parent's madness. You might actually be stronger and better off than you think so don't work yourself up in advance of something happening.
All you can do is to do what you can. Then walk away. Let the state take it from there. If your father is so out of it that he can't even have his BP taken the state will put him in a care facility along with your dementia mother. They will get no say in it.
Let the state take over. As you know whatever money, assets, or property they have will go towards their facility care bill. That's what happens. Your health is more important than a potential inheritance.

The laws in my state with the DMV were very clear. The DMV do not take statements from family or others regarding driving abilities. The revocation HAS to come from a doctor. We purposely mentioned it to every doctor that he saw that he was still driving. When they would tell us to take his keys or disable his car we knew he would just call and get the car fixed or new keys. This is also illegal for you to do - as long as they have the right to drive we can't steal his car from him. They finally medically revoked his license and we took his car from his home at that point. We did explain he could ask the doctor to arrange an assessment (simulator at a place that scores and evaluates reaction time and ability) if he wants to try and get it back. We know he will never pass but this keeps him more compliant.
You can get an evaluation from Agency on Aging for your state. They can see what services are needed and are a wealth of resources and information.
This is very hard and you have to put yourself first without any guilt. They have had their time and you should place the appropriate value on your own life and not exchange it for theirs!

Get into therapy. Don't think you can't afford it. The first person to take care of is you. If your parents have gotten you to the point of wanting to end it all, you need to walk. Call Adult Protective Services and tell them you can no longer handle the situation and tell them about your parents and their resistance to care. APS can send out a social worker to assess your parent's needs.

People will make it a habit of placing you in a position where you will feel obligated to helping. You will be taking on more and more of their responsibilities, and your life will fade into the background.

I don't know what your parents were like before they got in this position and how they treated you during their lifetimes. What caretakers need to realize is how to balance their lives and what they can afford to do without stripping their life of essentials, such as savings, jobs, time and energy that we need for ourselves. There are only so many hours in a day. Do not give up your job to stay home. It will not work out well for you in the long run taking care of sick parents 24/7.

want2havehope: Disable the auto by ANY MEANS POSSIBLE. Your father's falling asleep while being the operator of a motor vehicle is a scary propostion! I don't quite grasp the elder care paralegal's statement of waiting for crises to happen before action is taken. One crisis has almost occurred; you've thought of taking your life by your own hand. How much worse could it get?! You must take care of YOU, else they'll be no you. Do not take your own life. Seek immediate help by way of the crisis counselor. Also, come back here for support, but it is of PARAMOUNT importance to seek help IMMEDIATELY if you feel suicidal. As for your parents, you've done everything physically and emotionally possible for one individual and that individual, YOURSELF, must walk away since your parents have refused your help.

Wonder if Mexico has decent and affordable Memory Care facilities?

This thread makes me wonder if this shifting responsibility for out-of-control parents is just KARMA and they are really teenagers in mutant bodies. I still have PTSD from raising three teenagers............seems apropos that KARMA would come back, in some form, to bite their butts.

I am right there with you, but luckily I am down to only 1 nutty parent (mom), as dad died in 2019 locked away in a memory care facility. I've been on the Crazy Train for over a decade. Mom is planning to move herself out of AL for the second time. I've seen this story before, and I know how it plays out. I feel like I am in the movie "Groundhog Day". There is nothing I can do. I have no siblings and there is no other family. All of the fallout from her sh*t falls squarely in my lap. This will never end, she's only 79.

I have begun to envision her as "Jason" from Friday the 13th. You know, at the end, when the surviving teenagers think they have him whipped and their nightmare is over, then he springs up in the background and comes back at them with a knife.

I am choosing my life over hers. I cannot come to her rescue anymore. She may end up killing someone with her driving, getting scammed of all of her money, etc. No parent should ever do this to a child. I am positive the younger version of my parents would never want this to be how it ended up. What they had to do for their elders pales in comparison to what I have been stuck with, and they resented every minute of it.

I am terrified for my future. I had a consultation with a lawyer to find out my rights & responsibilities. I wish I could send this message back in time to my parents: "Mom, dad, in 2020 I am going to have to consult with a lawyer on how to protect myself from you (mom)".

I know guardianship is not the path I can take, or is even feasible at this time. I cannot make her stay in AL. I slept so well knowing she was "contained". Now she will be on the loose again. I keep hoping there will be a fall with a broken bone, something, something to stop all of this and make her stay in AL. Once again the freight train is coming at me and it's just as scary as it was when this whole thing started in about 2010.

If you are really tired of them and you want to walk away you will regret your own actions when they die. They are your parents and you should continue to support them and understand what they are going through. I did the same thing with my parents. We are all going to go through the same thing. Read my posts here. Do not put them in a nursing home or rehab or whatever. They will only see devils there. Keep them at home and get someone to help you take care of them. Enjoy their company while you can.

One of the first things you can do is to physically remove the cars or secretly disable the car. And tell Motor Vehicle Administration that their car needs to be removed. Second, accept the fact that they are most difficult and selfish and will do what they want to do and it will destroy you if you allow it to continue. So you need the input of an eldercare attorney and help from Protective Adult Services. Third, make up your mind right now - YOU COME FIRST. You need to set hard boundaries and know that if they don't cooperate, you may have to just get up and sever ties until they come to a reasonable state of mind. You can't and won't win but you do not have to be a fool and tolerate what they are doing. You need to get up and walk away - sometimes that helps bring reason.

I am in a similar situation to you. My parents are 82, I am the eldest daughter. My brother cut ties with my parents 16 years ago, due to them taking on his son, which he had had no contact with since.

What I have found is that over the years, they have become very reliant on me, and I have tried to make them happy by including them in everything that I do with my family.

Over the last 4 years, whatever I do causes backlash. It was very hard for me, but I have realised that I am not responsible for their happiness, especially at the expense of my own.

I have felt much happier at stepping away, but it isn't easy, my dad is saying he's had a stroke, although he's still driving. He has a blocked artery stopping the blood flow to the eyeand is booked in for surgery

I think what I am trying to say is live your life to the best you can, your parents have had a life, like mine have. They will always be there with problems and could live many more years.

Good luck, hope your health improves.

My mother in law lives with us and she has dementia. She is very defiant with us and we are desperately searching for help to get her in a facility with her Medicare. There is a certain amount that Medicare allows and it’s not enough for most places and the one place has no openings. She constantly fights us and curses us. She has to be made to bathe and help with bathing/dressing. She is a roamer that we had to put a key lock on our door to keep her in. We feel so overwhelmed and I have stress eaten almost all of my weight back. We have to have some kind of help because she is going to cause my husband, her son to have a stroke. She is really mean to him as I work full time as a preschool teacher. They act better than she does. I dread coming home. I don’t even see my own mom because I have to go straight home and help which I want to help my husband, she is too much a lot of days for him. It has gotten so bad that we have called 911. She goes to the hospital then they call and say come get her, the pet team sees no problems, she is physically fine and mentally stable right now. When we get home, she starts all over again. She is in denial and refuses our help. We pray that she can be approved for Medicaid and can be placed. I love my mil but we are ruining our health as well. I know this is not helping you and I am sorry. I hope maybe someone out there can help us both. You are in our prayers of getting you the answers you need. But most definitely take care of yourself. At least they are in a place and hope they can be placed in a better facility or maybe they will have to be separated. If I read that correctly they are together sorta independent. That may have to be stopped. My mil hates the fact she is not allowed to drive or have a phone or go to her own house which we have my daughter staying there to keep it up. They will have to get use to the changes. I have been told that once an adult and twice a kid. Our daughter has never been this defiant. I know this hasn’t been much help and I pray you get your answers.

want2havehope I have read your original post and several of the other comments. One thing that really jumps out at me, is how overwhelmed you are. I get this to the core of my being. I know of people who are caregivers that deal with much, much worse situations than I do, and have to ask myself why I am so totally overwhelmed. I can't help but think you are so much like me, a highly sensitive person. I feel everything, I go over all the possibilities in my head, I anticipate the train wrecks before they even happen, etc, etc, etc.

Several years ago, I was in a book store and saw a book on the shelf that almost threw itself into my arms. The name of the book is: The Highly Sensitive Person.
I bought it, read it thoroughly, underlining as I went along. Not everything applied to me, but SO much of it did, and it gave me great insight and also validation. Many times I've wanted my husband and kids to understand me and read the book, but none of them care enough, especially my husband.
I would like to encourage you to get the book too. It might help on some level.
I will NEVER have my mom live with us, there is no way I could endure that either, but now my husband is showing signs of slight mental decline, so of course I'm not very encouraged about how my future is shaping up.

I agree with disabling the car somehow. Did you know you can actually go on Amazon and buy a car boot? I'd be tempted to put one on and then leave an anonymous note on the window saying, "Because you are too dangerous to be driving."

Depending on the city you live in, a friend of mine who was an attorney told us in our small town the police would “ look out” for certain drivers ( at the family’s request ) and pull them over as soon as they saw any infraction. Then they could make them get a drivers test that they inevitably failed. Due to their basic inability to operate a vehicle safely it usually didn’t take long for it to happen. You can also get a Dr to test them and notify the dmv and police, not sure an herbalist could do the same thing.

I feel your pain I have a mum who won’t accept that she has Dementia and drives me mad and I just want to walk away for good but I make sure she has shopping and take a break til the next week as I refuse to let her pull me down with her so start thinking about yourself and take a step back let them get on with it too many people are forced to look after elderly which is damaging to their own health and so unfair good luck

The ONLY person you have control over and can save is yourself. Read that again please. Suicide is not going to fix anything and it certainly will not help your parents, so please take that option off of the table. Continue with your therapist.

You're gonna have to take a step back and let it hit the ground. You have attempted to help them and they don't want it. It's hard to do with people you love, but it has to happen. I had to walk away from an alcoholic father for the same reason. You cannot make sense of insanity.

You could write a letter to the BMV and let them know that your parents are not mentally sound and that they should be brought in for a driving test. That's how I got moms drivers license taken away. Then if they continue to drive without a license and they get into an accident or pulled over, the law/courts will get involved. Basically you're waiting until they corner themselves and have no other resource other than to go into a facility. Adult Protective Services is another phone call you can make just to let them know that your parents are endangering themselves. I know this is hard for you and I am not attempting to make light of the situation. Your stress and worry is not solving their issue and it is causing you harm.

Their lives are falling apart and they are going to fight to try to maintain control of it, no matter how crazy that sounds. Other than alerting the authorities about their situation, you're going to have to let it play out. If you have a type A personality like I do, it is going to be very difficult for you to do, but you have to keep yourself healthy so that when the s*** hits the fan and it will, you are available to help them however you can.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, as I have read the entire thread….if your parents have already had numerous auto accidents, aren’t they on the police radat already? Hasnt their auto insurance been involved? Why can’t the police report to dmv and APS the dangerous situation? I hope you will continue to see your therapist and come to the realization that yes, you love your parents but they don’t want help, you have to accept that and now help yourself. Please take one day at a time and heal, for yourself and your husband and/or children, if that applies……you’ve done nothing wrong, so you should have no guilt. Rather you are grieving. Ask your therapist about anticipatory grief…..please continue to heal your mind and body. Blessings to you……Liz

Well, of course you are not willing to join the crazy game. Walk away. Make a written report to the police about the driving and send a copy to the local newspaper and the DMV. Tell the police you are doing so. It is out of your hands. Unless there is any significant way you are improving the situation, and it sure doesn't sound like it, why are you involved? You place one foot in front of the other and start! That's how you walk away. And you accept that some will criticize you; remember they crucified Christ.

My heart totally goes out to you. I remember when my dad was burning leaves during a no burn ban. Reasoning with him was impossible. Looking back at family history, I do not remember past generations being so difficult to help, care for, or manage. I’m wondering if others are noticing this, too? I know my parents never did as much for their parents as I have for them. I remember feeling so exhausted and depressed that one night I said, “God, either take one of them or me. I can’t keep this up.” All I can say is contact APS and let them know your parents are affecting your physical and mental health and that you are no longer able to manage their safety and behaviors. I definitely had to re-evaluate my own quality of life. At my age, my parents were thriving and enjoying life. This is a good forum for support. I wish nothing but good things and rest.

Run, do not walk away. I am dealing with an abusive monster.
I no longer feel she’s my mother.
She continues to harm me and my family with no remorse.

I can’t wait to be free of this bondage.

Get out while you can.

Walking away is far easier to say than do. Somehow the parent/child connection - whatever and however it may be, still lingers full of guilt and obligation.

You have receive much good advice and guidance here. Make sure you anyone you contact about this situation - i.e., the police, the state, their doctor, etc, that this is all done in writing (either snail mail certified or email with a notification that the email has been viewed) so that there is a 'trail of proof' for you.

For sure recontact the DMV, the auto insurance company, the home insurance company, the local police, their doctor(s), and the State - including Adult Protective Services. Have a doctor declare, in writing, that your parents are unable to take care of themselves and make their own financial decisions. They don't have to be full out dementia - it sounds like they are not living in a 'safe home environment' (key words there). This opens the possibility that then POA an be given to a competent person to manage your folks affairs - whether it is you or another trusted family member. This letter is then provided to all agencies and to the bank, insurance companies, etc.

When my mother mixed up her meds and the result was that the local pharmacy had to call 911 because mother was at the pharmacy having a full anxiety attack (she forgot she took her pain meds and took too many along with forgetting to take her hi blood pressure pills, etc), the emergency room had to notify the state, and the state got Adult Protective Services involved. They scheduled a visit to come and 'chat' at which I was present because I set up the appointment. If you folks don't set up an appointment, APS could show up unannounced and your folks might not let them in. You want to be present so all the 'facts' are aired and APS fully understands the situation. And if the hospital doesn't call APS, YOU call them.

Take away al the keys to the car(s), disconnect the battery, render the alternator unusable, flatten all the tires - do whatever it takes to disable any vehicle so they cant drive it. Don't tell them, just do it.

Once you have done everything in your power, there is no more you can do. You cannot control them, nor can you change them - like ever. You have been as proactive as you possible can, and now set your boundaries. Do not engage in discussions or arguments with either parent - it doesn't help nor does it work - it just frustrates you further and stresses you out even more. If they call and start b*******, hang up. Do not engage. I know that is hard and they will probably be super pissed at and with you - but you have to now recoup your mental and physical health. No more jumping through hoops between tall buildings. You cannot do anymore, and must heal yourself.

Want2havehope, you live separate, yes?

Are the folks blowing up your phone day & night with 'urgencies'?

What specific tasks must you do for them this week?

Let's see if we can thinktank to offload some?

Run. Sorry, but yes, run. Get away, whether geographical or mentally. You have done your best.

Call Adult Protective Service in your area, explain they are dangerous to themselves and others and have APS come see for themselves. Tell them, you have done everything possible to assist and they resist every turn. See if APS can get them evaluated and in turn, placed somewhere.

You’re right, you can’t make them, however if they are found to be a safety risk, I think APS should be able to get the ball rolling. It’s brutal and won’t be a good situation, but yeah, you really have no choice. Report them to APS and get out while you can. I know you don’t want to do that, but it sounds like you have no choice. Good luck & keep us posted.

Make yourself unavailable and just move. If you can afford their care, just put it on auto-pay and call them once in awhile.

Can you call the city and have the house cited or condemned? I know it sounds extreme, but if the house is dangerous, that is an issue. I would also call Adult Protective Services and see if they can help you out. At least there will be professional documentation. I would also call the police department and speak to the Chief and ask him if there is anything you can do as you are concerned that, with all the accidents, and your father falling asleep at the wheel, they will kill someone. Praying for you and your parents.

I get anxiety just reading this. Why would any doctor, police or DMV want someone like these two on the road. Laws have to change. I know, no one wants to be the bad guy. With my Grandson's PCP, as soon as he found my GSs seizures were not being controlled by medication, he reported him to DMV and told him not to drive. My GS was in his early 20s. He had to work. He depended on us and friends for rides. We had a police officer in town who knew his Mom should not be driving. He was told she needed to have an accident where it was determined her Dementia was the cause before her licence could be taken away. So, she needs to kill someone first.

We need help in supervising our parents. Once Dementia is in the mix we as children should have some sort of control and a law backing us up. If our parents were children, CPS would come in and take them away. Dementia makes them like children. We need laws in place to protect them and others around them. A car is a weapon and people have gone to jail for vehicular homicide.

I think by law a Dr. should be made to report to DMV any diagnosis of Dementia or any desease that would interfere with driving. Then its up to DMV to contact the person and have them come in for a driving test and eye test. This is followed up every 3 to 6 months. With a family member or designated person having the right to call if there are any changes in that time. If the person doesn't comply, then DMV revolks his licence until he does comply.

We can't help our parents if our hands are tied. And we can't be held responsible either. If our parents have rights in situations like this, then we cannot be held accountable when something drastic happens. Driving is a privilege not a right. You can legally take a drunk off the streets but you can't legally take a person whose brain is dying off the streets?

You may just need to walk away and wait for the disaster. You have tried everything with no help. So if something does happen you say "I tried and no one listened".

For starters, the car keys should not even be in your parent's house. Keep them at your house. This way when your father is berating the caregiver about it, the keys can't be produced even if she wanted to. I feel sorry for whoever is their hired caregivers. I've had many clients like your parents. Some sweet, loving caregiver who thinks she has a halo on her head is not the kind of caregiver people like your parents need.
They need an older one who's experienced with this kind of behavior. One who knows how to put a stubborn senior in their place and how to keep them there for their own safety and everyone else's.
Now, you are in no fit condition to be handling any of it just right now because you need to take some time and have a rest.
Here's what you do for them. Pay a visit to the police department in the town they live in. Tell the cops that they have dementia and have caused car accidents, but the DMV is aware. Ask the police to do regular wellness checks on your parents because they are at-risk adults. The police department will report them to APS (Adult Protective Services) and to your state's department of social services. When the calls come in from the police these agencies get on the ball a lot faster than if it was a family member trying to get help.
Also, don't pay any mind to what a paralegal working for an elder law attorney has to say. Police, social workers, and healthcare professionals are who handle these kinds of situations. Not elder lawyers or their paralegals. Please talk to the police department. They will help you and will probably send a social worker to speak with you too. Then let the state take it from there. Good luck and please keep us posted.

No one wants to hear more of the details, but did I add that my dad is in such fear about his high blood pressure that he refused a simple blood pressure check by nurses at the AL and went ballistic? They couldn't even get a reading it was so high. My uncle died of a stroke, HBP runs in the family. So he is up for an imminent stroke and he falls asleep easily and could at the wheel (I think it's related to HBP). Of course we must get them to real doctors but they don't use normal doctors. I won't post anymore details but will explore all this trauma and stress in therapy.

You disconnect part of the car engine.
You change the keys on the chain so they do not work.
You put glue or something in the door / key hole to jam it (if it takes a key to open (mine doesn't).

You need to get out of this situation.
Your responsibility now is to yourself and healing yourself. If you do not have your health, what is left for you? Nothing. I believe you are writing us here for validation.

Your cries for support are validated.

You need to help yourself.

If you legally do not have any recourse, accept this and if you do not, I question why not? You matter. Just take care of the car per above instructions . . . / suggestion. Even if he buys a new one, take part of the engine away so he can't start it.

Sometimes, the police and/or DMV cannot do anything until an MD submits in writing they / your dad is incompetent and unable to drive a vehicle. Even if license is revoked, some people will drive anyway. Do both - from a distance. It is frightening to realize that some people with dementia - and many - are driving.

Take care of yourself. If you are suicidal, your therapist must take some action on your behalf for your safety. What does s/he say ? Do ? Advise ?

Your life depends on you letting go. Do you see this?
What is running you to continue to self-abuse?

Gena / Touch Matters

To use a good phrase from 12-Step programs, wise little mottos: "Let Go, Let God (or whatever you acknowledge to move life along)"...because in a case like this you cannot do anything more than you've already done. Yes, we hope there's no accidents/deaths, but if things fall apart for your folks the authorities/social services will step in for the community's sake. Your mother may be placed in a facility appropriate for her needs; your father elsewhere, as needed. That you've already crashed means you simply must take care of you; release them with love; it is not abandonment, it is accepting reality: a hopeless situation that requires more than you can handle nor change. Find good support for yourself, counselor, etc. to endure the unfolding of your parents' chosen path. Yes, you must save your life over theirs; no one is expected to sacrifice themselves and it is Not wrong to want to live: that is a Sign of Life, of your innate understanding of the Law of Nature, which is always lifeward. For whatever reason your parents seem to be giving in to their decline toward death as hard as it is to witness. You walk away by making all the appropriate agencies aware of the situation so that when things evolve in whatever direction your folks will be on their 'radar.' Adult Protective Services might be an appropriate contact if you haven't consulted with them already. When my declining mom became difficult I appealed to APS, asking 'what happens when the elder just doesn't get it, won't cooperate?' and their answer was, you let things run their course and then mom would be placed wherever space was found; it was a terrible prospect, but out of my hands. In my case, Grace intervened and she passed away the morning of the day I was to interview a place to try to place her. These situations did not happen overnight; the dynamics were in place for a very long time. It is their path, not yours even tho you are blood relations; everyone has their own destiny.

So sorry this is happening to you. Try to get them to a real medical doctor to evaluate their mental competency. When they are declared incompetent, then put them into memory care. The other option is to wait until the next ER visit or accident and explain to the authorities how you have tried to help them. Let the authorities lock them away in memory care.