New Neighbor knocking on the wall at night. Any suggestions?

some of you here have nothing to do but post harsh and rude messages. How do you even consider yourself a caregiver if you can easily hurt another with your words. Time for me to exit this website. It is not what it used to be.you can say all you want to say without attacking.

Read your tenant rental agreement. Look for quiet hours and such. It might indicate options or what may happen if the situation escalates.

I wasn't suggesting that the fact that the OP turned off certain features as being " proof" of trolldom.

I start to suspect trolling when previous intelligent posters start screaming at each other and acting like 13 year old mean girls. It's what trolls thrive on.

It cheapens this site.

OP appears to have disabled account. Troll?

I read your post about Mom not peeing all day and releasing it at night. IMO, not peeing all day is a problem and a UTI is more likely than if she is left wet all night. I think her not going all day is a problem and should be mentioned to the doctor. Seems she can hold it but then when she is relaxed sleeping she can't.

Can't find the response and some mentioned Lasix water pills. Is Mom on this?

I think your office friend maybe mixing up "medical" condition and the Disabilities Act. Dementia is not a disability. I have to agree that when this person rented, he should have been told about the neighbor. Since he wasn't, he does have a good cause to sue the Landlord.

I know some of us may seem a little harsh in their responses but your neighbor does not have to be sympathetic to your problem. Mom may be becoming more than u can handle and u may have to place her. Maybe reread the responses and write down the suggestions and see what ones you can use. Really, its up to u to solve this problem.

I am in utter shock that you Bint, can think negatively impinging on anyone's space, that they pay for, is acceptable.

I think that fair housing laws will soon see your "friend" fired and possibly sued. With you as a named defendant.

I think you should be completely ashamed of your selfishness in this matter. You definitely know how to make enemies with your entitled attitude.

Who thinks that anyone should willingly, with a smile, put up with being jarred awake by screaming for a half hour nightly?

Just unfollowed this tread.

OP is more emboldened now that she has a friend in the rental office who backs her and her screaming mother up, basically giving the middle finger to the neighbors.

"My mother can shout and scream all she wants in the dead of night, and you can just suck it."

Inconsiderate, rude, and selfish.

OP, may you have many years and decades of diaper changing in the dead of nights.

Bye!

p.s. I hope the neighbors will sue the owner for all the moving costs, and any differential in rental expense between the current and the new place.

Maybe find a bigger unit or two bedroom?
Would be cheaper (much) than MC or assisted living.

My uncle, when I was a child, had WW2 nightmares, so many must moan or scream. Are there other Depends style
you could try. Even the wetness causes itchiness or pain.

Luck to you.

BintUmi, contact the rental office and tell them the situation. The rental office may be agreeable with putting up some type of sound barrier in that bedroom, they will do the work so that you don't need to take it down once it is time to move.

I use to manage my own rental properties and also managed a commercial office building. Anything reasonable was approved and usually left for the next tenant to benefit from.

Bint, does your mom take Lasix, aka a water pill, or meds for High Blood Pressure that include HCTZ? If so, experiment with moving that pill to earlier or later.

I’ve also had troubles with painters tape, left on too long. I did some glueing with flour and water paste, which worked well with paper on wood or plaster, and will wash off quite easily. I was surprised by how well it worked. That might be worth a try on a test spot.

update: I tried explaining to the neighbor but he wasn’t willing to understand and was so rude to me. He reached out to the rental office and he was told he needs to move out if he can’t stand the situation because the person he is complaining about has a medical condition (a friend of mine works at the office) My neighborhood is senior friendly. I appreciate all the heartfelt responses and recommendations, will explore them further. My mom doesn’t pee all day and it’s in the night time that her body releases all urine. If I don’t wake her up to change im pretty much opening the door for UTI

lealonnie1 has given you very solid options for improving the noise issue so that you're not forced to move. You should also write up a letter and slip it under the door of the neighbor to let them know you're working hard to solve the problem as fast as possible -- and you know it's a problem. Just a brief letter, apologizing for the noise and then thanking them for their patience as you try to solve it. Maybe asking that they don't knock on the wall since that just makes your cognitively impaired mother all the more agitated. Sign it and let them know you've sent a copy to the landlord so that they're in the loop, too. This way you preempt their complaining to the management. That's as much as you can do.

BintUmi, please ignore anyone here that tells you that you cannot put up sound proofing foam in a rental.

They don't know what it is or they would know it's less damaging then hanging a picture. Obviously, they have never hung anything with hot glue. It peels easily off and leaves no damage.

If you rent, you have to do the best thing possible to not get evicted or cited by the police for disturbing the peace.

You have no right to rob others of their right to live in peace. Move to a freestanding house. There is no other answer.

And don’t be such a coward. I wouldn’t look too friendly either if you were subjecting me to this kind of disturbance every night. Contact your neighbors and let them know what the situation is. Tell them you are looking for a single family dwelling and to bear with you until you find something. Then do it as soon as possible. In the meantime, try the approaches others have suggested except the soundproofing. Gluing panels to the wall is ludicrous, especially if you rent.

You can’t expect the neighbors to want anything but peace and quiet, just like with a yappy dog.

And as with a yappy dog, you can’t expect them to understand. It cracks me up seriously when ppl start rationalizing that the dog must be mistreated or it’s animal cruelty for brownie points so they can seem to care. They care about making the noise go away.

And yeah no if this is a rental you can’t be modifying the walls that way.

Are you renting an apt or own a condo? If renting, the ideas about soundproofing won't work because I am sure the landlord would disapprove of you ruining his walls.

If I am awaken from a dead sleep, my heart literally pounds and I can't get back to sleep. If I am trying to get to sleep, I must have peace and quiet. No TV, no radio, no white noise. Walls in these places are thin. I too would be upset if I had to deal with this day in and day out and I understand Dementia. I also think your Mom is passed middle stage.

Does Mom complain she is wet or is this just how u do things before u go to bed to insure u get some sleep? Do you wake her up? Because this maybe the problem and if so stop. If I didn't have Dementia I would not appreciate being waken out of a dead sleep to find someone touching me, especially trying to change my pants.

Is she still able to use a toilet? If so, stop liquids a while before she goes to bed. If she can still use the toilet, then have her go before you get her ready for bed. A good barrier creme is Desitin used for babies just make sure the area is clean before putting it on. Do what has been suggested concerning doubling up on her Depends.

I am sorry, but even if your neighbors understand the situation, they still may not like it. People have jobs, they need a good nights sleep. If you are going to continue to care for Mom, maybe you should find a house you can rent. I know changing rooms may not work because bedrooms in apts tend to be on shared walks.

Yes to your answer, police can be called. If too many times, they may suggest u make other arrangements for Mom.

Bint, go online and find sound proofing foam. This is used in recording studios and will keep the sound from traveling through the walls.

Spend the money to cover all of the walls in moms bedroom, completely, with the very heaviest foam you can get. I would also order a large hot clue gun and install it using that. Then it will be easy to remove and doesn't create holes that sound can carry through.

So, to answer you, YES, your neighbors can call the police and, YES, you can get cited for disturbing the peace. You could even be evicted for this.

Many people will understand but, that doesn't translate into putting up with it. Being jarred awake every night by screaming would make most of us look unfriendly to the culprit.

Sound proofing and changing her diaper schedule, along with speaking to the neighbor and explaining that you are fixing the problem will get rid of some of your stress about the situation.

Great big warm hug! This has to be awful for you.

As others have said, not necessary to change during the night, especially as upsetting her and your neighbors. Barrier cream and depends, pads, and bed pads. You also need your sleep…

I think plenty of advice has been handed to you.

It will be difficult to face the neighbors, as you are probably ASSUMING that they are going to be angry--but chances are, once they understand, you will feel able to figure this out.

And as for Cover99--what IS your problem? Methinks you are a thwarted obscene phone caller. Newsflash for you: you are NOT funny.

I shouldn't think they do look friendly if all they know about the situation is that your mother has shouting fits late at night and they've no idea what's going on. If they were more respectable-looking they'd probably have called APS on you.

Honestly, you would be best advised to knock on the door, say straight away that you've come to explain, and let them know that your mother has dementia and sometimes it is hard to settle her, you're sorry if they've been disturbed.

What is it about the changing that makes your mother shout, by the way?

Good grief! Put some Cavilon Durable Barrier cream or some type of diaper cream on her once you change her diaper before bed. Then, change your mothers diaper the next morning! Zinc Oxide ointment (16 oz Jar) and Vaseline Petroleum Jelly (16 oz Jar) will work too. Its not worth the trouble & problems you're creating by wanting to change moms diaper at all. You have enough going on without creating a ruckus in the middle of the night with your neighbors.

It's worth pointing out that

YOU get annoyed that the new neighbors knock on your wall but

You expect the neighbors to NOT to get annoyed with your mom's shouting.

BintUmi, sounds like you live in a condo or townhouse/row house, thus changing bedrooms would not work, as the neighbor on the other side would hear the noise after midnight, too.

Such noise is no different than if young children were living next door shrieking as they play, or running up and down the stairs, and there was a day sleeper living next door.

One idea is Sound Reducing Wall Panels. Not sure how much sound such panels would muffle but it might be worth looking into.

Why on earth wouldn't you talk to the neighbors? You need to apologize sincerely, explain the situation --not use it as an excuse as in "I'm sorry, but my mother has dementia" -- then incorporate the suggestions here to alleviate the problem.

That's how to be a good neighbor, clear the air, and keep tempers at bay.

Can you figure a way to change your mom's brief early in the morning, say 5:30 am instead of 12:30 am? If you give her a Melatonin or something her doctor can prescribe to help her sleep soundly, then you can wake her around 5:30 am for a brief change. That's what the caregivers did at my mother's Memory Care ALF. They'd change her right before bed, then not again until the early morning, then she'd go back to sleep until 9 am or thereabouts. Perhaps your neighbors are up at that time of morning and getting ready for work, so mom's yelling won't be bothersome to them, I don't know. In fact, you've got a difficult situation on your hands and my heart goes out to you. Many dementia patients get very loud and aggressive during a brief change, I know, and in your situation, things can turn ugly when the neighbors are complaining.

Can you move mom to a different room to sleep?

Can you move to a different apartment where there isn't another neighbor next door? Like where you are the end unit, for instance?

Maybe it's a good idea TO speak with your neighbor to let them know what's happening; that you are caring for your elderly mom who has dementia and she's upset at having her brief changed, etc. Not that they would necessarily understand, but they MIGHT. You don't know. At least you'd be explaining the situation and not leaving them to imagine the worst, you know? Plus if you explain that when they knock on the wall, it further agitates your mom, then maybe they won't do it anymore.

There is a product on the market called Chewelry; it is intended for dementia patients to chew on as many folks with dementia like to chew and/or have something in their mouths to pacify them. If your mom likes to chew, you may want to look into this product and let her chew on it while changing her, as Margaret suggested:

https://www.arktherapeutic.com/chewelry/

The other thing you can do is to ask her doctor for something to knock her out for the whole night and don't try changing her at all till she wakes up at at regular time in the morning. Put extra pads in her brief, barrier cream on her privates, and hope for the best. This is a situation where you could potentially get evicted, so no answer you find will be 'perfect', so you need to find one that's the least harmful I suppose.

Best of luck.

This is a new neighbor. The prior neighbor apparently moved out because of the noise? This is a serious landlord/tenant situation you have on your hands. The right thing to do is find a way to stop the screaming or you may find yourself having to move. Get mom's doctor's advice on how to do so.

BitUmi,

I could be wrong here, but the gist I am getting is:

1. You feel there’s absolutely no way to stop mom’s screaming.

2. You feel the neighbors should be more forgiving since mom has dementia (can’t help herself) and screams “only” for around 30 minutes. After midnight.

3. You are not liking the replies here that say the neighbors have every right to be mad. Which they do.

You say you’ve tried everything to keep mom calm, but mentioned nothing about medications or ways to avoid changing her at night. It really looks like medication is the only way to go here. Everyone in this situation is miserable!

It is unfair to think neighbors should tolerate the screaming. They pay to live there too. It would be one thing if the incidents were few and far between, but every single night? Even if they knew why she screams, the reason means little when they are woken up every night.

Your options: Get mom some melatonin or other medical relief. Find a way so she doesn’t need changing during the night. Move mom’s bed away from walls or in another room. Or consider memory care, because this is not going to get better and it looks like mom is needing more care than you can provide anymore.

If the neighbor reports this to the landlord, this could result in your having to leave. Every tenant is entitled to “quiet enjoyment” of their home.

I think it is easy to assume everyone will be understanding or compassionate when you are caring for someone. But, many people don't understand how hard it is and don't understand the challenges faced.

However, you also don't know what your neighbor is going through. They could be working two jobs, going through a break-up, on the brink of financial disaster, or in the depths of depression. Waking up in the middle of the night could be taking them to breaking point.

My recommendation:
1. Talk to your neighbor. Let them know you situation and maybe they will be more compassionate.
2. Try to find a way to stop your mother from waking as there are many suggestions from other readers.
3. If none of this works, you may need to consider moving or other solutions for your mother as the situation could escalate.

Most importantly, take action now. Don't wait as it won't improve on its own.