New Neighbor knocking on the wall at night. Any suggestions?

I agree with the neighbor, being woken up past midnight due to a screaming demented elder would make me bang walls too. Yes, they very much can, and probably should call the police if the issue is not resolved. She's disturbing the peace.

Maybe move her bed to a different room, as far away from them as possible.

Well I hope one day you get to be in my caregiver shoes to feel how much your cold hearted answer hurts.

If you don’t want to talk to them, at least write a note explaining the problem. Ask if they have any suggestions that might help, because the knocking on the wall makes it even worse.

I wonder if giving mother something to suck might help. Something that tastes nice might do it. Worth a try?

While most everyone here has empathy for your situation, I have to side with the neighbors. Banging on walls may not be the best response, but I’d be mad too if I kept getting woken up by hollering. Maybe you’re used to shouting, but they are not. Just because she shouts for only a short amount of time doesn’t matter… if the shouting wakes them, it’s a disturbance to them and unfair to those around you. Maybe they don’t look friendly because they keep being woken up every night!

This can’t be fun for your mother either. She needs a med to sleep through the night. Or an anti-anxiety med. I doubt she’d need a large dose.

I slept with earplugs all last Friday night because we had gale force winds that were very noisy. I sleep with earplugs if the young folks over the road are having their monthly late night party, and also if my husband is snoring (actually heavy breathing, he doesn’t really snore). My niece worked late shifts in central London, and wore earplugs and an eye mask every sleep for months.

I think that it’s not so good to ignore the neighbors because you don’t like the look of them. They deserve an explanation, and it’s only polite to give one and explain. Perhaps you could include a couple of earplugs with the note, and the details of the midnight session timing when they would help.

Whilst I understand your situation I too wouldn't be best pleased if I was in the neighbours situation. They may well sympathise with your mums situation too but if their sleep is getting disturbed that's not fair on them and their life which will be just as important to them as yours/yours mums is to you.

BintUmi, the shouting must stop. You must do what you can to keep your mother quiet.

I am sure you'd be very upset if the neighbor made a racket every night and woke you and your mom from a deep sleep..

Suggestions to keep your mother quiet:

Give her something to chew or suck on, a sugar free piece of chewing gum or candy, a frozen flavored ice cube.

Let her watch something interesting while being changed.

Give her a fidgety toy to manipulate so she is distracted and doesn't notice that you're changing her.

Good luck.

I agree with the below responses that something must be done, as it's not fair to your neighbors. I'm also windering...is this fair to YOU? Don't YOU also get awakened every night? What about YOUR sleep?

Melatonin has helped keep my mother calm and sleeping during the night. You may want to ask her doctor if it is appropriate, if she is not already taking it.

I think you should talk to the neighbors and the moving moms room to a differnt room is a great idea. No one wants to be woken up every single night like that. Not the neighbors and not you. I hope you have a plan to move her to a facility as mom gets more combative and you are not able to handle her.

I think it is easy to assume everyone will be understanding or compassionate when you are caring for someone. But, many people don't understand how hard it is and don't understand the challenges faced.

However, you also don't know what your neighbor is going through. They could be working two jobs, going through a break-up, on the brink of financial disaster, or in the depths of depression. Waking up in the middle of the night could be taking them to breaking point.

My recommendation:
1. Talk to your neighbor. Let them know you situation and maybe they will be more compassionate.
2. Try to find a way to stop your mother from waking as there are many suggestions from other readers.
3. If none of this works, you may need to consider moving or other solutions for your mother as the situation could escalate.

Most importantly, take action now. Don't wait as it won't improve on its own.

If the neighbor reports this to the landlord, this could result in your having to leave. Every tenant is entitled to “quiet enjoyment” of their home.

BitUmi,

I could be wrong here, but the gist I am getting is:

1. You feel there’s absolutely no way to stop mom’s screaming.

2. You feel the neighbors should be more forgiving since mom has dementia (can’t help herself) and screams “only” for around 30 minutes. After midnight.

3. You are not liking the replies here that say the neighbors have every right to be mad. Which they do.

You say you’ve tried everything to keep mom calm, but mentioned nothing about medications or ways to avoid changing her at night. It really looks like medication is the only way to go here. Everyone in this situation is miserable!

It is unfair to think neighbors should tolerate the screaming. They pay to live there too. It would be one thing if the incidents were few and far between, but every single night? Even if they knew why she screams, the reason means little when they are woken up every night.

Your options: Get mom some melatonin or other medical relief. Find a way so she doesn’t need changing during the night. Move mom’s bed away from walls or in another room. Or consider memory care, because this is not going to get better and it looks like mom is needing more care than you can provide anymore.

This is a new neighbor. The prior neighbor apparently moved out because of the noise? This is a serious landlord/tenant situation you have on your hands. The right thing to do is find a way to stop the screaming or you may find yourself having to move. Get mom's doctor's advice on how to do so.

Can you figure a way to change your mom's brief early in the morning, say 5:30 am instead of 12:30 am? If you give her a Melatonin or something her doctor can prescribe to help her sleep soundly, then you can wake her around 5:30 am for a brief change. That's what the caregivers did at my mother's Memory Care ALF. They'd change her right before bed, then not again until the early morning, then she'd go back to sleep until 9 am or thereabouts. Perhaps your neighbors are up at that time of morning and getting ready for work, so mom's yelling won't be bothersome to them, I don't know. In fact, you've got a difficult situation on your hands and my heart goes out to you. Many dementia patients get very loud and aggressive during a brief change, I know, and in your situation, things can turn ugly when the neighbors are complaining.

Can you move mom to a different room to sleep?

Can you move to a different apartment where there isn't another neighbor next door? Like where you are the end unit, for instance?

Maybe it's a good idea TO speak with your neighbor to let them know what's happening; that you are caring for your elderly mom who has dementia and she's upset at having her brief changed, etc. Not that they would necessarily understand, but they MIGHT. You don't know. At least you'd be explaining the situation and not leaving them to imagine the worst, you know? Plus if you explain that when they knock on the wall, it further agitates your mom, then maybe they won't do it anymore.

There is a product on the market called Chewelry; it is intended for dementia patients to chew on as many folks with dementia like to chew and/or have something in their mouths to pacify them. If your mom likes to chew, you may want to look into this product and let her chew on it while changing her, as Margaret suggested:

https://www.arktherapeutic.com/chewelry/

The other thing you can do is to ask her doctor for something to knock her out for the whole night and don't try changing her at all till she wakes up at at regular time in the morning. Put extra pads in her brief, barrier cream on her privates, and hope for the best. This is a situation where you could potentially get evicted, so no answer you find will be 'perfect', so you need to find one that's the least harmful I suppose.

Best of luck.

Why on earth wouldn't you talk to the neighbors? You need to apologize sincerely, explain the situation --not use it as an excuse as in "I'm sorry, but my mother has dementia" -- then incorporate the suggestions here to alleviate the problem.

That's how to be a good neighbor, clear the air, and keep tempers at bay.

BintUmi, sounds like you live in a condo or townhouse/row house, thus changing bedrooms would not work, as the neighbor on the other side would hear the noise after midnight, too.

Such noise is no different than if young children were living next door shrieking as they play, or running up and down the stairs, and there was a day sleeper living next door.

One idea is Sound Reducing Wall Panels. Not sure how much sound such panels would muffle but it might be worth looking into.

It's worth pointing out that

YOU get annoyed that the new neighbors knock on your wall but

You expect the neighbors to NOT to get annoyed with your mom's shouting.

Good grief! Put some Cavilon Durable Barrier cream or some type of diaper cream on her once you change her diaper before bed. Then, change your mothers diaper the next morning! Zinc Oxide ointment (16 oz Jar) and Vaseline Petroleum Jelly (16 oz Jar) will work too. Its not worth the trouble & problems you're creating by wanting to change moms diaper at all. You have enough going on without creating a ruckus in the middle of the night with your neighbors.

I shouldn't think they do look friendly if all they know about the situation is that your mother has shouting fits late at night and they've no idea what's going on. If they were more respectable-looking they'd probably have called APS on you.

Honestly, you would be best advised to knock on the door, say straight away that you've come to explain, and let them know that your mother has dementia and sometimes it is hard to settle her, you're sorry if they've been disturbed.

What is it about the changing that makes your mother shout, by the way?

I think plenty of advice has been handed to you.

It will be difficult to face the neighbors, as you are probably ASSUMING that they are going to be angry--but chances are, once they understand, you will feel able to figure this out.

And as for Cover99--what IS your problem? Methinks you are a thwarted obscene phone caller. Newsflash for you: you are NOT funny.

As others have said, not necessary to change during the night, especially as upsetting her and your neighbors. Barrier cream and depends, pads, and bed pads. You also need your sleep…

Bint, go online and find sound proofing foam. This is used in recording studios and will keep the sound from traveling through the walls.

Spend the money to cover all of the walls in moms bedroom, completely, with the very heaviest foam you can get. I would also order a large hot clue gun and install it using that. Then it will be easy to remove and doesn't create holes that sound can carry through.

So, to answer you, YES, your neighbors can call the police and, YES, you can get cited for disturbing the peace. You could even be evicted for this.

Many people will understand but, that doesn't translate into putting up with it. Being jarred awake every night by screaming would make most of us look unfriendly to the culprit.

Sound proofing and changing her diaper schedule, along with speaking to the neighbor and explaining that you are fixing the problem will get rid of some of your stress about the situation.

Great big warm hug! This has to be awful for you.

Are you renting an apt or own a condo? If renting, the ideas about soundproofing won't work because I am sure the landlord would disapprove of you ruining his walls.

If I am awaken from a dead sleep, my heart literally pounds and I can't get back to sleep. If I am trying to get to sleep, I must have peace and quiet. No TV, no radio, no white noise. Walls in these places are thin. I too would be upset if I had to deal with this day in and day out and I understand Dementia. I also think your Mom is passed middle stage.

Does Mom complain she is wet or is this just how u do things before u go to bed to insure u get some sleep? Do you wake her up? Because this maybe the problem and if so stop. If I didn't have Dementia I would not appreciate being waken out of a dead sleep to find someone touching me, especially trying to change my pants.

Is she still able to use a toilet? If so, stop liquids a while before she goes to bed. If she can still use the toilet, then have her go before you get her ready for bed. A good barrier creme is Desitin used for babies just make sure the area is clean before putting it on. Do what has been suggested concerning doubling up on her Depends.

I am sorry, but even if your neighbors understand the situation, they still may not like it. People have jobs, they need a good nights sleep. If you are going to continue to care for Mom, maybe you should find a house you can rent. I know changing rooms may not work because bedrooms in apts tend to be on shared walks.

Yes to your answer, police can be called. If too many times, they may suggest u make other arrangements for Mom.

You can’t expect the neighbors to want anything but peace and quiet, just like with a yappy dog.

And as with a yappy dog, you can’t expect them to understand. It cracks me up seriously when ppl start rationalizing that the dog must be mistreated or it’s animal cruelty for brownie points so they can seem to care. They care about making the noise go away.

And yeah no if this is a rental you can’t be modifying the walls that way.

You have no right to rob others of their right to live in peace. Move to a freestanding house. There is no other answer.

And don’t be such a coward. I wouldn’t look too friendly either if you were subjecting me to this kind of disturbance every night. Contact your neighbors and let them know what the situation is. Tell them you are looking for a single family dwelling and to bear with you until you find something. Then do it as soon as possible. In the meantime, try the approaches others have suggested except the soundproofing. Gluing panels to the wall is ludicrous, especially if you rent.

BintUmi, please ignore anyone here that tells you that you cannot put up sound proofing foam in a rental.

They don't know what it is or they would know it's less damaging then hanging a picture. Obviously, they have never hung anything with hot glue. It peels easily off and leaves no damage.

If you rent, you have to do the best thing possible to not get evicted or cited by the police for disturbing the peace.

lealonnie1 has given you very solid options for improving the noise issue so that you're not forced to move. You should also write up a letter and slip it under the door of the neighbor to let them know you're working hard to solve the problem as fast as possible -- and you know it's a problem. Just a brief letter, apologizing for the noise and then thanking them for their patience as you try to solve it. Maybe asking that they don't knock on the wall since that just makes your cognitively impaired mother all the more agitated. Sign it and let them know you've sent a copy to the landlord so that they're in the loop, too. This way you preempt their complaining to the management. That's as much as you can do.

update: I tried explaining to the neighbor but he wasn’t willing to understand and was so rude to me. He reached out to the rental office and he was told he needs to move out if he can’t stand the situation because the person he is complaining about has a medical condition (a friend of mine works at the office) My neighborhood is senior friendly. I appreciate all the heartfelt responses and recommendations, will explore them further. My mom doesn’t pee all day and it’s in the night time that her body releases all urine. If I don’t wake her up to change im pretty much opening the door for UTI

I’ve also had troubles with painters tape, left on too long. I did some glueing with flour and water paste, which worked well with paper on wood or plaster, and will wash off quite easily. I was surprised by how well it worked. That might be worth a try on a test spot.