My sister moved mom to a house closer to her own home because she felt mom needed help. She felt mom was on death’s door. No one else felt this way. Mom went along with the idea and left the beautiful lake house in the mountains that she planned to die in.
15 years go by. My sister was in an accident. She never fully recovers. Her own body is aging. She can no longer keep subsidizing moms every need. She is burnt out. Mom believes that the things the sister does as a caregiver are trivial and doesn’t understand/care that my sister can no longer keep up.
People in the family stay with mom for a month at time. So, 7 months out of the year, someone aside from the sister takes care of mom. We are helping. It is just not enough.
Now my sister wants to put mom in a nursing home costing $8,900/month. Mom’s long term health plan will cover 2 years at that rate. Mom is very healthy. Mom doesn’t want to go to a nursing home. But sister is desperately, bringing up the expensive home as an enticement to get mom to go.
Paying for any of the nursing home means I will grow old and be a burden to my children. I work full time and am just able to care for myself. I walk with a painful limp. I am past retirement age. I cannot take on the responsibility of the care giver role. Honestly, I see what it has done to her. It isn’t good.
I feel if mom was just left alone and hadn’t been moved out of state mom would have figured things out. Mom is an intelligent person. Mom left to her own devices, would have been forced to put herself into a facility that was within her budget if/when she felt that she needed the facility. The sister made a mistake. But there is no reason that she has to continue to suffer from that mistake.
I feel that the sister just needs to stop doing things and paying for things for mom. Since mom thinks the caregiver responsibilities are of no consequence, it shouldn’t be a problem. I feel no compunction to take the baton. Without outside enablers mom will have to pick a facility that is within her budget, start living the independent, retirement that she planned for or (if the SIL is correct) sit on the couch in dirty underwear and starve to death.
What are your thoughts?
EDIT: I said: "Taking agency away from an elder is a huge mistake." Of course, that should be an elder WHO IS COMPETENT TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS. I should have specified that.
I also made it clear that my meager savings are not enough to chip in for mom’s care.
Thank you everyone for helping me through this difficult situation.
You are absolutely correct that this cannot continue. Otherwise what will happen is a two fold health crisis situation (which could have been avoided)
I have suggestions for you:
- I assume by her “health policy”, it is LTCI Long Term Care Insurance, eg. something from a co. like Genworth. Y’all have mom’s policy reviewed as to exactly what the terms are for it to be in payout mode, like what the waiting period is and what the ADL (activities of daily life) assessment is. Have an independent insurance broker review it if need be and let y’all know the details. This way you can know what type of financial plan is or isn’t* available to pay for mom to either have InHome Healthcare OR mom moves into a facility. The devil is in the details on LTCI’s as to how she can utilize that policy and what type of facility or type of inhome care it will or will not pay for.
* If it seems mom does not yet have the ADL limitations needed to trigger the LTCI payout, as hers only activates for skilled care, that’s important to know as then y’all will have to look for an IL or AL facility rather than a NH/SNF. And mom will have to self pay.
- Sissy goes into respite mode. She 100% removes herself from any errands, cleaning, caregiving or any other mom stuff for 6 -8 weeks. And all of you siblings hold firm that none will go to be with mom during this period. Mom either has to have InHome healthcare or she moves into a facility on an interim basis.
Push for mom to go into a facility short term because…..
- while mom is there, one or two of the siblings contact 3 Realtors to come to moms home to do comps and what they each think her home can be 100&1% listed at “As Is”. Pls pls be beyond clear that if the home is listed, that there will be no updates or repairs to make it more market attractive. Having this done will be helpful - imho - as it may well be that mom is sturdy, healthy stubborn ox of a woman who is not yet frail enough to meet the eligibility for her LTCI payout, so she will have to sell her home to have the $ to private pay for care in an IL or AL.
The siblings & their spouses have to be a United front on all this. Or it becomes y’all just wait till Sissy or Mom falls and is hospitalized and then goes to rehab and then it’s all crisis planning.
You say she is healthy but do not give us an idea as to what type of help you are providing by moving in with her for a month at a time.
And why does mom need a "nursing home"
What we do and what is necessary are two different things. I have a full time job and remote work for most of the time. I perform the same tasks that I do when she cones to visit at my home. I cook dinner and talk to her.
My sister of manages an entire staff of employees and pays the bills for mom.
Why do I go? Simply put. Guilt trips.
It might be better for the family to sit down and have an open discussion to see who can help to what extent, while also considering the mother’s wishes. Besides a nursing home, part-time caregiving or in-home assistance options could also be explored.
Ultimately, it’s important for everyone to respect their own limits, and the decision should take into account both the mother’s wishes and the circumstances.
If mom's long term health care plan will cover 2 years in the nursing home your sister has selected, let her stay there until the money runs out, or she needs to move to a different level of care, or she dies. When the money runs out, the family does not start paying $8900 a month (or more). Mom would qualify for Medicaid assistance when she can no longer pay.
Let go of the resentment you feel for the decisions your sister made which you don't agree with. It is behind you, and it may have been a mistake. But you can't go back now, your mother can't go back to the home she left. You can only make decisions moving forward that you feel are in everyone's best interest.
It's unfortunate that your mother is unhappy about being moved to a care home. Your sister made a mistake thinking she could care for your mother long term, and that has now become unsustainable. If it makes you feel any better, mom could have been left alone in her lake house in the mountains 15 years ago, and by now she would have declined and need to move to a nursing home. Be happy that she has a long term care plan that will pay for 2 years!
Support your sister in this plan moving forward. And, if either of you think you have to "entice" mom to move, you do not. The family enablers need to STOP propping mom up. If she can not manage on her own, then she will see the wisdom in moving to a care home. If your sister is so desperate for mom to make this move, she needs to STOP taking care of your mother and paying for anything for her! She needs to focus on taking care of herself now. Mom has no incentive to move if she feels she has someone to take care of her.
No mom did not take the care giver role for her parents. Grandma died in her 50’s Grandpa died in his 60’s.
What happened to the house she left, that beautiful lake house in the mountains?
If it was sold where are the assets from that?
You say "nursing home" but mom is healthy why does she need a nursing home?
What type of help does she need?
Would she do well in a Senior housing building? And if needed caregivers.
If mom is healthy I do not see why y'all are giving up your lives to spend a month caring for her.
If she does need Skilled Nursing find a facility that accepts Medicaid and she can private pay for 2 years or so and then apply for Medicaid that will help with the expenses.
There is no way you or any sibling should place your own future in jeopardy to pay for mom's care. Who will jump in and pay for yours when you need to dip into your retirement fund?
Step back and let her .
That does not mean anyone has to help her stay there .
If she decides to starve herself to death in dirty underwear on the couch , so be it . That will be her choice . Sounds harsh, but I’m so done with manipulative elders.
Stop letting Mom have control of your lives. Step back . You all should tell her that you are not going to enable this any longer , you are all too tired and old. And that the only help you can give is to find an appropriate assisted living or nursing home depending on the level of care she needs.
Food for thought.
Your mother is acting like a Queen . She thinks she’s above being in a facility .
My father in law was like that . Turned out he had dementia . But he was good at hiding it. He showtimed really well .
Your mother sounds like she doesn't need to be in a nursing home. So don't put her in one. Move in a live-in companion then no one has to stay with her. You don't have to pay $8,900 a month for one either. If your mother doesn't need much care and she lives in a nice place, getting a privately-paid caregiver to move in for half that money a month or even less will not be hard to find. This is only one option.
Another option can be a senior retirement community or assisted living. You mother's LTC policy will pay for AL. There are options for your family that don't include your sister after 15 years of caring for your mother to continue to bear the full burden of her.
If your mother is mentally of sound mind, she can figure things out herself. It's okay for the family to help her figure out her old age care plans, but I'll tell you one thing. ANY and ALL help you and your family give your mother must be on YOUR terms, not hers. Being an elder does not give any person a free pass to enslave their family and make their lives miserable. Remember that.
I have a brother who couch surfs for a living. It would be nice for him to move in with her. He would have a home and she would have help.
But since the subject was brought up, my brother refuses to answer any calls. He really has no desire to work.
Also mom doesn’t want her disappointing son living with her.
Aside from that, I don’t think we can find anyone person who is willing to take on a job that replaces her all of current help. Who is going to pay for that person? Who is going to be manager for that person? I don’t want to clean out my savings. Mom’s long term care money will run out long before she does.
I read your most recent reply.
Tell your sister to step back . Stop doing.
Since Mom is totally competent , she can figure out how to hire people to replace your sister.
You all need to tell Mom that her children can no longer provide the care that she needs.
A wise social worker told me ( regarding my mother). “ Stop helping her. Let her fail . “
In other words stop propping Mom up . If she can’t manage her own care at home , then she will be forced to higher more help or go to assisted living or a nursing home.
None of you should be held hostage as her caregiver. Without you she will realize how much you have all been doing .
I think that women of mom’s generation are used to being taken care of.
Women of my generation worked just as hard as men for half the pay. It was an odd generation where one income was no longer enough to own your own home but the role models indicated that it was still women’s responsibility to exclusively take care of the children and home. I am happy to see that the newer generations have a shared division of labor in a marriage.
I can look back and realize that no one took care of us.
So, I honestly feel no remorse in refusing the POA role. I can take care of myself and I don’t need to feel guilty that it isn’t enough.
Honestly, I think my sister will pass before mom passes.
Mom wants to live in her own home. She likes the dog walkers, the nurses, the socializer, the landscaper and people who cook for her. She visits the best doctors in the country and travels frequently with her dog. All of these things are being arranged by my sister.
Mom is by no means suffering from any form of dementia.
Like what others mentioned, there's different levels of care. Nursing homes (long term care) is the highest level of care really meant for people who need total care (bathing, dressing, toileting, etc). If your mom can still do stuff in her own, then paid help at her home, assisted living or supportive living might be more appropriate. A lot of times, the parent doesn't want to do this because they don't want to spend the money and feel like they can do it by themself. There is this unspoken fear that with each thing they can't do, they are one step closer to the nursing home.
As for financing mom's care, that needs to come from Mom's assets first until she is Medicaid eligible.
Is your mother considered mentally competent / of sound mind to make her own life decisions - for her welfare and well-being?
While you feel your sister 'needs to stop,' who is going to stop her?
Reflecting on the past doesn't help anyone now to manage this situation ...
those 'what ifs' -
If your mother is medically considered to be competent, there is little to nothing you can do (perhaps get her assessed medically although she won't agree to that (99.99% of elders don't want to be medically assessed - why would they?)
If your sister doesn't have legal authority to make decisions on behalf of your mother, some someone else needs to 'if' your mother can't competently make them herself.
I would consider changing the 'family routine' of putting on a band aid for seven months to 'help mother.' The more you 'help' financially and otherwise, the longer this behavior will continue. It is only when the 'band-aid' care stops and decisions must be made on how to proceed that things may / will change because they have to. They don't have to, yet.
It might mean two years and then exhausting mother's funds.
Depends on who is legally able to manage mother's financial resources.
You might want to hire an attorney. Gena
When I saw her take the stairs without problem 10 minutes after being too weak to pour her own milk, it made me think of her saying that.
I honestly feel that mom does need help. But she has burned out my sister with her wants and pampering before the real need was actually there.
Vampiric may be harsh. But it resonated. There is no more blood left to give and I am not a blood donor.
NO CONTROL over your sister
NO CONTROL over your mother.
What you CAN control is your own reaction.
Stop trying to change them. Tell your sister you will not be putting any of your savings into your mother's care EVER. You ae correct in knowing that your own care in your aging process will require a lifetime of saving, coupon clipping, good job, good luck and good timing. It will ALSO depend upon your not burning up your money on anyone else's funeral pyre. Those are the hard facts.
Say these hard facts to sister ONCE. Thereafter refuse to discuss this nonsense.
You can't control what other people do. That includes your sister and your mother. But you don't have to become enmeshed in their drama.
Is the facility they're looking at a nursing home, though? It sounds like your mother needs assisted living. That is vastly different.
Your mother is intelligent and she has an income. Even if her house is not paid for, after 15 years she probably has equity in it. She could sell the house at a higher price than what she owes and invest the profit.
Your sister sounds very controlling. You can tell her kindly that you think your mom will be fine if your sister steps back and lets your mother decide what happens next. Letting her cope on her own will show her the reality, that she needs to hire help or move to assisted living. If your sister or any other siblings want to continue to help, that's up to them. But it's not an obligation. Your sister doesn't get to dictate or demand, and neither does your mother.
I'm sorry things didn't go in the way that might have been best, which was leaving your mother in the home she loved. But this is the current reality. Be kind and sympathetic from a distance, but stay strong in your resolve to do what's best for yourself and your own children and your futures. Let us know how everything goes.
And I do agree that your sister needs to stop doing things for your mom, especially if what she's doing is enabling your mom in any way.
Your mom should using her own money from the sale of her lake home along with any retirement funds to now subsidize her future care.
And if for some reason that money(from the lake home)has all been spent, then mom will have to apply for Medicaid and move to a facility that will accept Medicaid.
I wish you well in finding your mom the right facility that she will pay for with her own money or Medicaid.
I am new to these acronyms. What is IL? She has her memory. She can use the bathroom. When no one is looking, she gets up and down stairs better than I do. I think she has just become accustomed to being pampered. She can pour herself own milk, but just allows others to do it for her.
AL...Assisted living.
MC...Memory care.
$8900 is not necessarily very expensive. It depends on where one lives and what services they are receiving.
My MIL was in a very excellent LTC facility for 7 years on Medicaid. It was a non-profit, faith-based one run by a larger organization that has been in the care facility field since the 50s. Please help sister do more research so that these gems will be found. Consider joining Nextdoor.com and asking participants for recommendations and reviews.
You and the others are under no obligation to fund your sister's fears and your Mom's cluelessness. Does she still have the lake house? If not, it can be sold to fund her care.
How old is your Mom and what level of care will she need? IL? AL? Memory Care is even more expensive.
More info would be helpful.