My sister moved mom to a house closer to her own home because she felt mom needed help. She felt mom was on death’s door. No one else felt this way. Mom went along with the idea and left the beautiful lake house in the mountains that she planned to die in.
15 years go by. My sister was in an accident. She never fully recovers. Her own body is aging. She can no longer keep subsidizing moms every need. She is burnt out. Mom believes that the things the sister does as a caregiver are trivial and doesn’t understand/care that my sister can no longer keep up.
People in the family stay with mom for a month at time. So, 7 months out of the year, someone aside from the sister takes care of mom. We are helping. It is just not enough.
Now my sister wants to put mom in a nursing home costing $8,900/month. Mom’s long term health plan will cover 2 years at that rate. Mom is very healthy. Mom doesn’t want to go to a nursing home. But sister is desperately, bringing up the expensive home as an enticement to get mom to go.
Paying for any of the nursing home means I will grow old and be a burden to my children. I work full time and am just able to care for myself. I walk with a painful limp. I am past retirement age. I cannot take on the responsibility of the care giver role. Honestly, I see what it has done to her. It isn’t good.
I feel if mom was just left alone and hadn’t been moved out of state mom would have figured things out. Mom is an intelligent person. Mom left to her own devices, would have been forced to put herself into a facility that was within her budget if/when she felt that she needed the facility. The sister made a mistake. But there is no reason that she has to continue to suffer from that mistake.
I feel that the sister just needs to stop doing things and paying for things for mom. Since mom thinks the caregiver responsibilities are of no consequence, it shouldn’t be a problem. I feel no compunction to take the baton. Without outside enablers mom will have to pick a facility that is within her budget, start living the independent, retirement that she planned for or (if the SIL is correct) sit on the couch in dirty underwear and starve to death.
What are your thoughts?
NO CONTROL over your sister
NO CONTROL over your mother.
What you CAN control is your own reaction.
Stop trying to change them. Tell your sister you will not be putting any of your savings into your mother's care EVER. You ae correct in knowing that your own care in your aging process will require a lifetime of saving, coupon clipping, good job, good luck and good timing. It will ALSO depend upon your not burning up your money on anyone else's funeral pyre. Those are the hard facts.
Say these hard facts to sister ONCE. Thereafter refuse to discuss this nonsense.
When I saw her take the stairs without problem 10 minutes after being too weak to pour her own milk, it made me think of her saying that.
I honestly feel that mom does need help. But she has burned out my sister with her wants and pampering before the real need was actually there.
Vampiric may be harsh. But it resonated. There is no more blood left to give and I am not a blood donor.
Step back and let her .
That does not mean anyone has to help her stay there .
If she decides to starve herself to death in dirty underwear on the couch , so be it . That will be her choice . Sounds harsh, but I’m so done with manipulative elders.
Stop letting Mom have control of your lives. Step back . You all should tell her that you are not going to enable this any longer , you are all too tired and old. And that the only help you can give is to find an appropriate assisted living or nursing home depending on the level of care she needs.
Food for thought.
Your mother is acting like a Queen . She thinks she’s above being in a facility .
My father in law was like that . Turned out he had dementia . But he was good at hiding it. He showtimed really well .
I also made it clear that my meager savings are not enough to chip in for mom’s care.
Thank you everyone for helping me through this difficult situation.
You can't control what other people do. That includes your sister and your mother. But you don't have to become enmeshed in their drama.
Is the facility they're looking at a nursing home, though? It sounds like your mother needs assisted living. That is vastly different.
Your mother is intelligent and she has an income. Even if her house is not paid for, after 15 years she probably has equity in it. She could sell the house at a higher price than what she owes and invest the profit.
Your sister sounds very controlling. You can tell her kindly that you think your mom will be fine if your sister steps back and lets your mother decide what happens next. Letting her cope on her own will show her the reality, that she needs to hire help or move to assisted living. If your sister or any other siblings want to continue to help, that's up to them. But it's not an obligation. Your sister doesn't get to dictate or demand, and neither does your mother.
I'm sorry things didn't go in the way that might have been best, which was leaving your mother in the home she loved. But this is the current reality. Be kind and sympathetic from a distance, but stay strong in your resolve to do what's best for yourself and your own children and your futures. Let us know how everything goes.
See All Answers