Mom lives with us. At 89 she cooks, cleans, does laundry, pays her bills. But my husband is overly critical of the way she does things. He criticized her washing and made her cry.
Your mother sounds like a super lady, and may she long continue to be so independently able.
How long has she been living with you? What led to your husband giving your father his word that your mother would always live with you; did you consider that a binding promise or just an intention to comfort your father? What difference has your mother's moving in made to your household? Do you have enough space, has she taken over a room or rooms that you were using?
When you say that your husband's criticism of your mother is impatient and he has made her cry...
To the outside observer, that presents a whole spectrum of possibilities with scope for right and wrong on both sides.
I mean, what did he say to her about her washing? It could be:
she dyed all his office shirts pink by leaving red socks in the washing machine
he wishes she wouldn't leave wet laundry draped around the living room
he turned purple because she added a teaspoonful too much detergent
she starched his Y-fronts and he mildly asked her not to next time
But if your husband is *constantly* critical, not just of her but of everyone, it could well be that this is part of his personality and he intends no offence by it.
It doesn’t sound like new behavior when you mention he would pick on you. How long has your mom lived with you? Did you think he would be different if she lived with you? If this is new behavior perhaps he needs respite from care taking. Perhaps this is beginning dementia for him. Is he alcoholic or ill or recovering from illness, on new meds? Recently retired? Not looking for an excuse for his bad behavior but perhaps he’s not at his best for some reason. I doubt your dad had this in mind when he asked for you to care for your mom.
Some people are unkind. Is he unkind with other people? What's in it for him? Does he have some issue with her or does he resent her living with you? If there's no reason, then, I'd consider that he is just one of those people who delights in being mean to nice people for no reason. Those people do exist. I try to avoid them. When someone shows me who they are, I believe it. Living with them both in your home may make it difficult for you to protect mom from mean comments. Would it help to ask him to knock it off? Hmmmm...I hope you have luck with that.
Promises like that are too often made without being properly thought through and frankly I don't believe anyone should feel bound by them. And using your mother to buffer the dysfunction in your marriage is just plain wrong. If your mom is as capable as you portray then she may very well be happier living among people of her own generation in a place that affords social opportunities. It would also have made it easier when the time came that she needed actual hands on care, and unless people mercifully die in their sleep that time will come. We allowed my mother to continue a lifestyle that was difficult and isolating because she was comfortable with the familiar and afraid of change. In retrospect I realize that a supportive family would have helped sooth her fears and encouraged a change, but let's face it the status quo is easier.
This is a stereotypical comment. Not every person over 80 (or even 90) needs someone to help them with many things. Case in point a lady I knew lived to be 107 still doing many things on her own.
Then he needs to get a grip, get a life, and get over it! A husband like that does not get away with disrespecting his MIL unless he has a death wish in my family. If he tries to pick on you, stand up to him. Make it clear that you love him, but you won't be disrespected by him. If he doesn't stop, drag him to a counselor where you two can sort this out like adults.
Since she lives with YOU, I don’t think it’s fair to say that he needs to back off. Ok she’s 89, she’s not going to change. We can say the same for him-he’s not going to change either. If this arrangement isn’t working out, all 3 need to sit down and discuss this and consider other options.
Mind your own business Cali! Unlike you, I DO put my husband first, which based on what you said in your profile is more than you can say! I know your taking ''temporary'' care of your husband so don't even tell me how to help others since you yourself don't seem to be taking your husband's disability too well at this point. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
So maybe this is not working and it's time to consider other options. I think you need to discuss this living arrangement with your mother and husband, either individually or in a family meeting, to find out exactly what is in their hearts. Maybe mom would be happier living independently in a seniors complex. Maybe DH just wants a little more personal space. How long has mom been living with you and how did it come about, was everyone on board at that time?
DH is displaying bullying behavior; targeting an 89 year old woman is unconscionable. If you haven’t done so, Sit down and talk to hubby. Come up with a solution/compromise. Yes, your marriage is important, but his behavior towards your mom is unloving. There may be explanations for his attitude/behavior, but there are no excuses for being mean. It’s incredibly disrespectful.
How long has she been living with you?
What led to your husband giving your father his word that your mother would always live with you; did you consider that a binding promise or just an intention to comfort your father?
What difference has your mother's moving in made to your household? Do you have enough space, has she taken over a room or rooms that you were using?
When you say that your husband's criticism of your mother is impatient and he has made her cry...
To the outside observer, that presents a whole spectrum of possibilities with scope for right and wrong on both sides.
I mean, what did he say to her about her washing? It could be:
she dyed all his office shirts pink by leaving red socks in the washing machine
he wishes she wouldn't leave wet laundry draped around the living room
he turned purple because she added a teaspoonful too much detergent
she starched his Y-fronts and he mildly asked her not to next time
But if your husband is *constantly* critical, not just of her but of everyone, it could well be that this is part of his personality and he intends no offence by it.
How did they get on before she moved in?
If this is new behavior perhaps he needs respite from care taking. Perhaps this is beginning dementia for him. Is he alcoholic or ill or recovering from illness, on new meds? Recently retired? Not looking for an excuse for his bad behavior but perhaps he’s not at his best for some reason. I doubt your dad had this in mind when he asked for you to care for your mom.
If your mom is as capable as you portray then she may very well be happier living among people of her own generation in a place that affords social opportunities. It would also have made it easier when the time came that she needed actual hands on care, and unless people mercifully die in their sleep that time will come. We allowed my mother to continue a lifestyle that was difficult and isolating because she was comfortable with the familiar and afraid of change. In retrospect I realize that a supportive family would have helped sooth her fears and encouraged a change, but let's face it the status quo is easier.
I know your taking ''temporary'' care of your husband so don't even tell me how to help others since you yourself don't seem to be taking your husband's disability too well at this point. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
If you haven’t done so, Sit down and talk to hubby. Come up with a solution/compromise. Yes, your marriage is important, but his behavior towards your mom is unloving. There may be explanations for his attitude/behavior, but there are no excuses for being mean. It’s incredibly disrespectful.