My spouse is not patient with my elderly mom. What can I do?

She don't touch Anything of his an He doesn't have Anything done for him ..as He criticizes - Done deal :-)

I am going to answer this with a comparison situation. Many, many years ago I married a man with a son. It was pure misery and I felt I had no respect and was treated very badly and discipline when it was needed never entered the picture. I won't go into the gory details when, but for the Grace of God, I nearly died, the doctor intervened and told my husband that he knew he loved me, his wife, and his son and that was fine. However, it would be SUICIDE if he had both of us live under the same roof. He was right. But by the time he son left, the damage to the marriage was done. What I am saying, love the mother and love the spouse but they CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE UNDER THE SAFE ROOF TOGETHER. It just won't work.

The one time my husband criticized the way I did his laundry was when he started doing his own...and continues to do so. Life is too short, especially for our elders, to nit pick about such petty things. If he's unhappy with the way your mom is doing things, then, by all means, allow him to take charge of the task himself. I'd be amazed and overwhelmed if my 87 year old mother could do one of those things. She should be praised, not criticized. I do agree with RoseZullo, that there are always 2 sides, so you should find out why your husband is so unhappy that he has to take out his anger on an 89 year old lady. Wishing you peace.

Maybe contact your local Aging Service Access Point (ASAP) and inquire about Caregiver Support for both you and your husband.

You could ask your husband to tell you about any criticism he has about your mom and that you will handle it with her. This is the way to handle step children. The adult speaks to the actual parent of the child and they handle it. If he was unhappy that she didn't get the dishes clean for example he should tell you. At that point, if she isn't washing them well, you could redirect her to another task. Send her over to my house, she sounds like a great roommate. I won't make her cry! You can keep the husband though! Seriously, it might help if you and husband have some more couple's time. Go out on a date?

Oh leelor, I can wholeheartedly agree with the messes that u r talking about, even though my 👩 is in AL, I am there often and have (cleaned) her "many of time, I do her laundry, cut her hair, change her bed, take her cruising, bring her food, because I'v seen what the damn food looks like. Quit my job of 8 yrs to take care of my mom, because well she took care of me and my siblings. I was very blessed
But when I hear selfish self centered so called Ioving sons and daughters bitch and throw a fit because their parent that by the raised us and they smelled our shit, tripped over toys, cleaned up our messes, put up with back talk, anybody could go on and on with that sinaro. They put up with ALOT taught us and etc. This older generation didn't get to sign up for what is happening to them. Im not going to say I'm offened because dear god, who isn'tisn't? I am "pissed off. Wanna know why?? I have 2 brothers that do not call, their f*****g lives are so important god knows they want to "live their lives and of course both my parents would want them to. But they seem to forget one important factor: to return a measly phone call once a week for 10 minutes.

I began reading some of the replies then I just decided, nope- I'm going to answer this the was "I feel, living with my mother IN LAW". The difference is; she NO LONGER does a cotton-picking thing, and I mean not even picking a cotton fuzz ball off the floor! She has been living with us WAY TOO MANY YEARS. My husband brought her hear 23 years ago to die- yup, he thought it was just a matter of a year, or two, maybe three, but could be four, but I as much as five, or six, wow 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 20, 21, 22, 23 WHEN THE HELL! Sure I was very patient and kind and considerate, until her laziness, and need to demand and act like it was her house and because it was her son she could still with a stern voice tell him what he needed to do and what she wanted. Then she wouldn't cooperate or do anything! I don't know why I writing anymore... I have, for years now, it's never going to end. She has managed to ruin my life, so I'll finish with why I think your husband is acting the way he is; He's sick and tired of spending his last years taking care of her. Not having the freedom to just live his life with his wife and do all the things a married couple should be able to do. Maybe he too can't stand walking into his house and smelling her, seeing her, seeing her hair and Kleenex tissues on the floor. Get's sickened by knowing she just rinsing her hands after changing her diaper opposed to really washing them after she has. Is she always needing someone to turn her tv on when she can do it herself but needs attention? These are the things I wonder if e is dealing with but because she is your mother, maybe you aren't seeing these things. I could be so wrong and I am sorry if I am, but being on the other side, like your husband- it so difficult to NOT be a grouchy grump, because I sure have become one. I'm inching into my 60's soon, and my husband is 66 and can already retire and collect SSI. WHEN will we EVER be able to enjoy our Golden years and just sit around and twiddle our thumbs "IF WE WANT"?

Tell the dipwad that she is doing wonderful for being 89 years old, it cracks me up to hear idiots saying how much of a burden a 89 or 90 yr old can be, he needs to grow the "HELL" up and give more respect where respect belongs. Like the ole saying goes it's a long road that doesn't hit a curve, see how he does when he is that age. My mom is 91 and in AL maybe that would b an option. And believe me it's not healthy for you to live in this situation either, been there done that.

You must stand up to the bully, if you feel that your grumpy hubby is a bully. Just do it in private and not in front of your mother. He ought to apologize to your mother.

Aww...that makes me sad to think about your mother crying when she's just trying to do her best. Bear in mind, that elders are typically more emotional simply because of their age. Perhaps hubby could be kinder.

Your mother is doing exceedingly well and should not be bullied by your husband and neither should you. He needs to learn better coping skills to manage his behavior. Abuse isn't always physical....sometimes it is verbal. Perhaps, when he feels a critical tirade coming on, he can leave the room or house or retreat to his "man cave." Then, channel his frustration into something positive like a hobby or at least count to ten and then think about what he wants to say and if he really needs to say it. Usually, with a little time and space something that feels like a ten on the annoying scale is reduced to a five or less:) And I agree with one poster's suggestion that when he does something right, you reinforce that with positive feedback. Be careful when addressing bad behavior that you frame statements fairly. When you said X, Y and Z to mom, I feel bad because..... He can't invalidate your feelings. If you say, you were mean to mom.....it puts him on the defensive. Model a way of resolving conflict, don't fan the flames by accusing him of anything. Hopefully, this uncomfortable situation will become a source for positive change.

There is always two sides to every story. I understand what is happening. My husband and I visit my Mom who is 96 and lives in her own home. Sometimes I feel like a referee when we visit. I try to keep the peace and always feel like I am in the middle. It causes much stress and resentment for all. Not trying to take your husbands side, but he needs some understanding too. Maybe that is why he is grumpy.

There is no excuse for anyone to be mean to a confused elderly person.She is just trying to make herself useful and help out. I am sorry your mother has to endure this and you have to witness it. If it were my mother I would try to keep her away from him away from him as much as possible. And I know it's his house and that would make it make it even more difficult. Good luck

Dear SoG,

As you may see from the many questions posed, there is not enough information about your situation to offer a real solution to your dilemma, and a dilemma it is indeed. It is incredibly difficult to be stuck in the middle between two people you love, and that is exactly where you are :(

Maybe grumpy is just your fellas way in the world, or maybe this situation has brought this part of his personality to the fore... hard to say. What I can say confidently, is that it can be pretty tough to be where you are - but it is also tough to be where he is.

I have personal experience here. Suddenly your space has gone from a world governed by two adults, to one whose schedule and agenda is dictated (consciously or not) by a parent’s presence. For many of us, it has been literally decades since we shared our ‘space’ with a mom or a dad.

Suddenly, our wife is also a daughter, with all the baggage and scripts that entails. We become the person ‘in the way’ of a powerful mother daughter dynamic - no matter whether it is positive or negative - and those roles may not jibe well with our long-standing ‘husband/wife’ groove. It’s a complicated situation, a target rich environment for emotional charge and subsurface stress and resentment. No surprise that those issues are bubbling to the surface.

As a family therapist, and the spouse of a caregiver dealing with a love-in MIL, my suggestion would be this: blame is irrelevant and unhelpful - understanding and live, is key. Find somewhere you and your spouse can listen, and really hear, one another. Some respite time, a friend’s comfy living room, or if need be, a therapists office might work.

Sometimes the loss of (and subsequent grief over) the ‘we’ you two used to be, of the partners you both built your life with, can be like a constant pain - as onerous as nails on a chalkboard, day in, day out. Expressing it, and feeling it directly, can be a release valve that can drain away all that resentment and irritation. That way, it doesn’t have to come out side-ways. It was like that for us.

I was so sad about my home and partner - my ‘safe haven’ feeling lost, and missing the woman I knew and loved - it floored me when I realized just how much. When I did, my resentment of having my SO’s mom around, which had gotten pretty burdensome, became not only something much bearable, but something we could bear together.

Of course, it goes without saying that abusive behavior is never ok - no amount of hurt feelings justifies that choice. That said, most people don’t WANT to be grumpy... I’m not sure if this is what’s going on for you both, but maybe it is. Talking , formally or informally, might just be the antidote.

Wishing the three of you well,

-Andy

You might try telling him how it makes you love him even more when you see him being nice to your mother(even if that hasn't happened yet, speak as if it has) and that you know it isn't easy for him having her live there, so even when you see he bites his tongue, you notice and thank him in your heart.
THEN when you see him actually DOING that, give him a little indication that you've made note and that you admire him.

I will comment, although I do not have a dog in the fight. You may want to consider asking hubby to leave any criticism to you. That could be coupled with a request that he talk with you privately when he has concerns about mom's way of doing things.

It seems obvious to me that your husband would be happier if she was not there.
However, she IS there and functioning well. I have a hunch she is much too capable to consider assisted living.

I am remined of a one of the ten commandments: "honor thy father and mother that it may be well with thee and thou mayest live long upon the earth." This does not say one has to like or love his mother-in-law, but it does say we are to honor our parents (and I would assume that includes mothers-in-law. )

Being nearly 83 years old myself and quite adequately functional, I am nevertheless quite aware of my aging and becoming less capable in a number of activity areas, and of course slowly-deteriorating health in some respects.

Grace + Peace,
Old Bob in North Carolina

Mental and emotional abuse is just that...ABUSE. Just as real, just as destructive, as physical abuse. You say that if your husband wasn't being verbally abusive to your Mom, he would be doing it to you. Having an elderly parent living with you can be very difficult and trying to the marital home. But, your husband needs to get counseling. Where does all this anger come from? Are there other factors contributing to this behavior? I would suggest that you move your Mom out of this situation, so that she is not being abused emotionally. And, above all, do what you need to take care of yourself. God bless you all.

It's difficult having another person around, especially when one has managed to get his own way, be in control, and do things his own way. Anger management is in order. He is maybe lashing out to cover for his frustrations and fears of having his life interupted by another person who he cannot control. See if he can voice these feelings calmly to you and even to her. She is doing great at her age, so can probably have some compassion for him, but it is awful to feel not wanted. I would cry too.

Wow, sad situation but I can speak from observation and experience. All of my life which was very hard and difficult and sad, I always reached out to other people and helped them (and animals) in any way I could. I ask nothing in turn, I loved being a giver and I continued this until a few years ago when, due to an old spinal injury, I could no longer walk and had to go into assisted living. When I got there, I was absolutely horrified and shocked what assisted living was - it was not the place where I thought older people went to for companionship, communal dining, activities, etc. It is where the "misfits" of society are put when they can no longer be capable of being home or the families don't want to and can't take care of them. They are all very feeble and almost all have dementia and constantly repeat the same things and certainly are incapable of carrying on an intelligent adult conversation. After a while, and I do feel sorry for them - but I did not make them that way and can't fix them - this really started getting on my nerves because I am of an extremely high functioning mental level. I have two jobs (50 years and l4 years both of which I love and will continue to work at until I pass), drive, go out to eat alone, have lots of hobbies and interests and take care of myself 99.9%. I am embarrassed to say it but I can't stand being in this type of an environment and the anger and resentment that I had to give up my home because I am now a crippled misfit just infuriates me. So I am polite and always pleasant to everyone but I stay by myself so I don't have contact. That has helped me keep my sanity. As to your husband, perhaps he is totally lacking compassion and empathy and can't or won't show kindness. I am not sure if that is who he is or if the "surroundings" (your mother and her behavior or things she does) are pushing him over the edge. Some people for whatever reason simply can't cope with things that are not "normal" as they understand them. Only you are in a position to judge that as you know your husband. First I would tell him that you will not, under any circumstances allow him to be mean to your mother. Second, if your marriage and family situation are being very negatively affected by your mother, then you must put yourself first - it is your turn now - and possibly consider placing her in a facility or home where she is safe and cared for. I truly do NOT see hopes of both of them living under the same room unless there is some method for a major separation of the living and contact areas. And stress to your man, that this treatment by him of your mother is damaging the relationship between the two of you. Last but not least, is you husband worth "keeping" if he is a bully and mean? I'd give that some deep thought.

If It's still Happening, You have Enabled it as Long as it Took to Write Here, dear...There is Not much to Do except to talk to Mom about a Monster You Created.:((xx

Spouse apparently wants to hire a maid. Gees. Does he not have a mother of his own? Apparently she did not teach compassion. Maybe the source of his frustration is really another issue and this is just easy to pick on.

If it's not a mental issue with the "Spouse's" husband, maybe he has simply never learned that life goes better if you "pick your battles". Perhaps the MIL has a few annoying quirks about the way she does certain things, but maybe he could overlook them, prevent them from happening (such as, for example, not providing his white clothes if she turns them red), or just redo whatever it is she does "wrong". Some things are not worth fighting about, and over time one generally learns what upsets another person. I assume it would be easier for him to adjust his attitude than for his MIL to change what she is doing.

Hes being self centered. Show him my post. My 90 year old mom stays with us 2 -3 days a week. Shes gets up every 2 hours all night disturbing us, is incontinent, messes herself occasionally, cant cook, clean, do anything for herself. She repeats the same thing over and over and over. He is very blessed your mom is active and able. It could be much worse.

Well, to me, your user name says it all "SpouseofGrumpy." Seems like maybe hubby has a personality issue. You say if she wasn't there, he'd be picking on you. Yeah, I think the problem lies with him. That said, it IS tough to live with an elderly parent. I did it for 5 years AFTER I divorced my grumpy hubby. Living with her was only slightly less stressful than living with him. I can't even imagine living with both of them. This is not an ideal situation for anyone, especially you. Do something I'll bet you don't often do - consider your own needs and feelings, maybe talk with a counselor. Change this situation before it defeats you.

When I was in my late teens my parents moved my newly-widowed, able-bodied, 81-year-old grandmother in with us because "they didn't think she would live too much longer". She lived to age 96. Resentment built over the years and even though I had moved out, I was dragged into a role of marriage counselor more than once. Grandma died in 2001 but my parents' marriage has never been the same and they carried anger/resentment over it all into their own old age. It's not been nice. I could see both sides but frankly I believe everyone in the situation would have been better off long-term if grandma would have been prompted to get her own senior apartment, or something like that.

Emelie, we don't even know what the spouse *said* to the mother.

Unconscionable bullying, incredibly disrespectful, no excuse for being mean - how do you know? Clearly there does need to be better understanding between the two of them, at least; but for me it's a bit of a leap to assume that he must be a cruel villain.

He sounds like somewhat of a bully. That is pretty mean - to make an elderly woman cry! Your mom sounds like she's doing great. IT'S hard when they move in but it could be a lot worse. My mom has some weird ways of doing things - but it's not life-threatening and I've learned to just let her be. Geez she's 92 and she probably won't be here too much longer. So I try and let her do things her way - not always easy but saves a lot of heartache and bad feelings.

You mentioned that he would pick on you if she were not there.
Has he done that in the past or is this a new behavior for him? If so that can be an indication that he might have a problem.
If it is not a new behavior for him then I would put him in the "bully" category if not an an "abuser" category. Although in my mind there is no real difference.
If this is not a new behavior have you or can you talk to someone?
If it is a new behavior you should discuss it with him as well as his doctor.

What was the discussion prior to your Mom moving in. Was this going to be temporary? How did he feel about it was he reluctant or willing? If reluctant this attitude has probably been festering since day 1. If he was willing what has changed? Did he want to travel with you but now you don't want to because Mom is there? Or is it simply he wants to sit in the LazyBoy in his boxers and watch TV and he can't cuz Mom's there?

But time to tell him that you are not going to put up with the abuse. Stop and be respectful to both you and your Mother. If he continues to do so you can leave the room, take Mom with you.
Unless you want to issue the ultimatum where if he does not stop either he leaves or you leave. (before you do that you MUST consult a lawyer) And I have to stress I HATE ultimatums.

One last thought can you make your house or part of your house more like an "In-Law suite" so Mom can have her space and you have your space?

Hubby would probably be happier if mom moved out.

Is he resentful that she’s there? It sounds like he is taking out bitterness and resentment on her by way of being critical.