My spouse is not patient with my elderly mom. What can I do?

He needs to back off. She is not going to change at this point. You are very lucky she can still do for herself.

Why did he agree to have her move in?

So maybe this is not working and it's time to consider other options. I think you need to discuss this living arrangement with your mother and husband, either individually or in a family meeting, to find out exactly what is in their hearts. Maybe mom would be happier living independently in a seniors complex. Maybe DH just wants a little more personal space. How long has mom been living with you and how did it come about, was everyone on board at that time?

Since she lives with YOU, I don’t think it’s fair to say that he needs to back off. Ok she’s 89, she’s not going to change. We can say the same for him-he’s not going to change either. If this arrangement isn’t working out, all 3 need to sit down and discuss this and consider other options.

Thx JoAnn and all. He promised by father she can live here forever. And if she wasn't here, he'd pick on me.

Promises like that are too often made without being properly thought through and frankly I don't believe anyone should feel bound by them. And using your mother to buffer the dysfunction in your marriage is just plain wrong.
If your mom is as capable as you portray then she may very well be happier living among people of her own generation in a place that affords social opportunities. It would also have made it easier when the time came that she needed actual hands on care, and unless people mercifully die in their sleep that time will come. We allowed my mother to continue a lifestyle that was difficult and isolating because she was comfortable with the familiar and afraid of change. In retrospect I realize that a supportive family would have helped sooth her fears and encouraged a change, but let's face it the status quo is easier.

Some people are unkind. Is he unkind with other people? What's in it for him? Does he have some issue with her or does he resent her living with you? If there's no reason, then, I'd consider that he is just one of those people who delights in being mean to nice people for no reason. Those people do exist. I try to avoid them. When someone shows me who they are, I believe it. Living with them both in your home may make it difficult for you to protect mom from mean comments. Would it help to ask him to knock it off? Hmmmm...I hope you have luck with that.

It doesn’t sound like new behavior when you mention he would pick on you. How long has your mom lived with you? Did you think he would be different if she lived with you?
If this is new behavior perhaps he needs respite from care taking. Perhaps this is beginning dementia for him. Is he alcoholic or ill or recovering from illness, on new meds? Recently retired? Not looking for an excuse for his bad behavior but perhaps he’s not at his best for some reason. I doubt your dad had this in mind when he asked for you to care for your mom.

He need's to get a life, what if it was his Mother ?

Your mother sounds like a super lady, and may she long continue to be so independently able.

How long has she been living with you?
What led to your husband giving your father his word that your mother would always live with you; did you consider that a binding promise or just an intention to comfort your father?
What difference has your mother's moving in made to your household? Do you have enough space, has she taken over a room or rooms that you were using?

When you say that your husband's criticism of your mother is impatient and he has made her cry...

To the outside observer, that presents a whole spectrum of possibilities with scope for right and wrong on both sides.

I mean, what did he say to her about her washing? It could be:

she dyed all his office shirts pink by leaving red socks in the washing machine

he wishes she wouldn't leave wet laundry draped around the living room

he turned purple because she added a teaspoonful too much detergent

she starched his Y-fronts and he mildly asked her not to next time

But if your husband is *constantly* critical, not just of her but of everyone, it could well be that this is part of his personality and he intends no offence by it.

How did they get on before she moved in?

?

Is he resentful that she’s there? It sounds like he is taking out bitterness and resentment on her by way of being critical.

Hubby would probably be happier if mom moved out.

You mentioned that he would pick on you if she were not there.
Has he done that in the past or is this a new behavior for him? If so that can be an indication that he might have a problem.
If it is not a new behavior for him then I would put him in the "bully" category if not an an "abuser" category. Although in my mind there is no real difference.
If this is not a new behavior have you or can you talk to someone?
If it is a new behavior you should discuss it with him as well as his doctor.

What was the discussion prior to your Mom moving in. Was this going to be temporary? How did he feel about it was he reluctant or willing? If reluctant this attitude has probably been festering since day 1. If he was willing what has changed? Did he want to travel with you but now you don't want to because Mom is there? Or is it simply he wants to sit in the LazyBoy in his boxers and watch TV and he can't cuz Mom's there?

But time to tell him that you are not going to put up with the abuse. Stop and be respectful to both you and your Mother. If he continues to do so you can leave the room, take Mom with you.
Unless you want to issue the ultimatum where if he does not stop either he leaves or you leave. (before you do that you MUST consult a lawyer) And I have to stress I HATE ultimatums.

One last thought can you make your house or part of your house more like an "In-Law suite" so Mom can have her space and you have your space?

He sounds like somewhat of a bully. That is pretty mean - to make an elderly woman cry! Your mom sounds like she's doing great. IT'S hard when they move in but it could be a lot worse. My mom has some weird ways of doing things - but it's not life-threatening and I've learned to just let her be. Geez she's 92 and she probably won't be here too much longer. So I try and let her do things her way - not always easy but saves a lot of heartache and bad feelings.

Emelie, we don't even know what the spouse *said* to the mother.

Unconscionable bullying, incredibly disrespectful, no excuse for being mean - how do you know? Clearly there does need to be better understanding between the two of them, at least; but for me it's a bit of a leap to assume that he must be a cruel villain.

When I was in my late teens my parents moved my newly-widowed, able-bodied, 81-year-old grandmother in with us because "they didn't think she would live too much longer". She lived to age 96. Resentment built over the years and even though I had moved out, I was dragged into a role of marriage counselor more than once. Grandma died in 2001 but my parents' marriage has never been the same and they carried anger/resentment over it all into their own old age. It's not been nice. I could see both sides but frankly I believe everyone in the situation would have been better off long-term if grandma would have been prompted to get her own senior apartment, or something like that.

Well, to me, your user name says it all "SpouseofGrumpy." Seems like maybe hubby has a personality issue. You say if she wasn't there, he'd be picking on you. Yeah, I think the problem lies with him. That said, it IS tough to live with an elderly parent. I did it for 5 years AFTER I divorced my grumpy hubby. Living with her was only slightly less stressful than living with him. I can't even imagine living with both of them. This is not an ideal situation for anyone, especially you. Do something I'll bet you don't often do - consider your own needs and feelings, maybe talk with a counselor. Change this situation before it defeats you.

Hes being self centered. Show him my post. My 90 year old mom stays with us 2 -3 days a week. Shes gets up every 2 hours all night disturbing us, is incontinent, messes herself occasionally, cant cook, clean, do anything for herself. She repeats the same thing over and over and over. He is very blessed your mom is active and able. It could be much worse.

If it's not a mental issue with the "Spouse's" husband, maybe he has simply never learned that life goes better if you "pick your battles". Perhaps the MIL has a few annoying quirks about the way she does certain things, but maybe he could overlook them, prevent them from happening (such as, for example, not providing his white clothes if she turns them red), or just redo whatever it is she does "wrong". Some things are not worth fighting about, and over time one generally learns what upsets another person. I assume it would be easier for him to adjust his attitude than for his MIL to change what she is doing.

Spouse apparently wants to hire a maid. Gees. Does he not have a mother of his own? Apparently she did not teach compassion. Maybe the source of his frustration is really another issue and this is just easy to pick on.

If It's still Happening, You have Enabled it as Long as it Took to Write Here, dear...There is Not much to Do except to talk to Mom about a Monster You Created.:((xx

Wow, sad situation but I can speak from observation and experience. All of my life which was very hard and difficult and sad, I always reached out to other people and helped them (and animals) in any way I could. I ask nothing in turn, I loved being a giver and I continued this until a few years ago when, due to an old spinal injury, I could no longer walk and had to go into assisted living. When I got there, I was absolutely horrified and shocked what assisted living was - it was not the place where I thought older people went to for companionship, communal dining, activities, etc. It is where the "misfits" of society are put when they can no longer be capable of being home or the families don't want to and can't take care of them. They are all very feeble and almost all have dementia and constantly repeat the same things and certainly are incapable of carrying on an intelligent adult conversation. After a while, and I do feel sorry for them - but I did not make them that way and can't fix them - this really started getting on my nerves because I am of an extremely high functioning mental level. I have two jobs (50 years and l4 years both of which I love and will continue to work at until I pass), drive, go out to eat alone, have lots of hobbies and interests and take care of myself 99.9%. I am embarrassed to say it but I can't stand being in this type of an environment and the anger and resentment that I had to give up my home because I am now a crippled misfit just infuriates me. So I am polite and always pleasant to everyone but I stay by myself so I don't have contact. That has helped me keep my sanity. As to your husband, perhaps he is totally lacking compassion and empathy and can't or won't show kindness. I am not sure if that is who he is or if the "surroundings" (your mother and her behavior or things she does) are pushing him over the edge. Some people for whatever reason simply can't cope with things that are not "normal" as they understand them. Only you are in a position to judge that as you know your husband. First I would tell him that you will not, under any circumstances allow him to be mean to your mother. Second, if your marriage and family situation are being very negatively affected by your mother, then you must put yourself first - it is your turn now - and possibly consider placing her in a facility or home where she is safe and cared for. I truly do NOT see hopes of both of them living under the same room unless there is some method for a major separation of the living and contact areas. And stress to your man, that this treatment by him of your mother is damaging the relationship between the two of you. Last but not least, is you husband worth "keeping" if he is a bully and mean? I'd give that some deep thought.

It's difficult having another person around, especially when one has managed to get his own way, be in control, and do things his own way. Anger management is in order. He is maybe lashing out to cover for his frustrations and fears of having his life interupted by another person who he cannot control. See if he can voice these feelings calmly to you and even to her. She is doing great at her age, so can probably have some compassion for him, but it is awful to feel not wanted. I would cry too.

Mental and emotional abuse is just that...ABUSE. Just as real, just as destructive, as physical abuse. You say that if your husband wasn't being verbally abusive to your Mom, he would be doing it to you. Having an elderly parent living with you can be very difficult and trying to the marital home. But, your husband needs to get counseling. Where does all this anger come from? Are there other factors contributing to this behavior? I would suggest that you move your Mom out of this situation, so that she is not being abused emotionally. And, above all, do what you need to take care of yourself. God bless you all.

I will comment, although I do not have a dog in the fight. You may want to consider asking hubby to leave any criticism to you. That could be coupled with a request that he talk with you privately when he has concerns about mom's way of doing things.

It seems obvious to me that your husband would be happier if she was not there.
However, she IS there and functioning well. I have a hunch she is much too capable to consider assisted living.

I am remined of a one of the ten commandments: "honor thy father and mother that it may be well with thee and thou mayest live long upon the earth." This does not say one has to like or love his mother-in-law, but it does say we are to honor our parents (and I would assume that includes mothers-in-law. )

Being nearly 83 years old myself and quite adequately functional, I am nevertheless quite aware of my aging and becoming less capable in a number of activity areas, and of course slowly-deteriorating health in some respects.

Grace + Peace,
Old Bob in North Carolina

You might try telling him how it makes you love him even more when you see him being nice to your mother(even if that hasn't happened yet, speak as if it has) and that you know it isn't easy for him having her live there, so even when you see he bites his tongue, you notice and thank him in your heart.
THEN when you see him actually DOING that, give him a little indication that you've made note and that you admire him.

Dear SoG,

As you may see from the many questions posed, there is not enough information about your situation to offer a real solution to your dilemma, and a dilemma it is indeed. It is incredibly difficult to be stuck in the middle between two people you love, and that is exactly where you are :(

Maybe grumpy is just your fellas way in the world, or maybe this situation has brought this part of his personality to the fore... hard to say. What I can say confidently, is that it can be pretty tough to be where you are - but it is also tough to be where he is.

I have personal experience here. Suddenly your space has gone from a world governed by two adults, to one whose schedule and agenda is dictated (consciously or not) by a parent’s presence. For many of us, it has been literally decades since we shared our ‘space’ with a mom or a dad.

Suddenly, our wife is also a daughter, with all the baggage and scripts that entails. We become the person ‘in the way’ of a powerful mother daughter dynamic - no matter whether it is positive or negative - and those roles may not jibe well with our long-standing ‘husband/wife’ groove. It’s a complicated situation, a target rich environment for emotional charge and subsurface stress and resentment. No surprise that those issues are bubbling to the surface.

As a family therapist, and the spouse of a caregiver dealing with a love-in MIL, my suggestion would be this: blame is irrelevant and unhelpful - understanding and live, is key. Find somewhere you and your spouse can listen, and really hear, one another. Some respite time, a friend’s comfy living room, or if need be, a therapists office might work.

Sometimes the loss of (and subsequent grief over) the ‘we’ you two used to be, of the partners you both built your life with, can be like a constant pain - as onerous as nails on a chalkboard, day in, day out. Expressing it, and feeling it directly, can be a release valve that can drain away all that resentment and irritation. That way, it doesn’t have to come out side-ways. It was like that for us.

I was so sad about my home and partner - my ‘safe haven’ feeling lost, and missing the woman I knew and loved - it floored me when I realized just how much. When I did, my resentment of having my SO’s mom around, which had gotten pretty burdensome, became not only something much bearable, but something we could bear together.

Of course, it goes without saying that abusive behavior is never ok - no amount of hurt feelings justifies that choice. That said, most people don’t WANT to be grumpy... I’m not sure if this is what’s going on for you both, but maybe it is. Talking , formally or informally, might just be the antidote.

Wishing the three of you well,

-Andy

There is no excuse for anyone to be mean to a confused elderly person.She is just trying to make herself useful and help out. I am sorry your mother has to endure this and you have to witness it. If it were my mother I would try to keep her away from him away from him as much as possible. And I know it's his house and that would make it make it even more difficult. Good luck

There is always two sides to every story. I understand what is happening. My husband and I visit my Mom who is 96 and lives in her own home. Sometimes I feel like a referee when we visit. I try to keep the peace and always feel like I am in the middle. It causes much stress and resentment for all. Not trying to take your husbands side, but he needs some understanding too. Maybe that is why he is grumpy.