My spouse is not patient with my elderly mom. What can I do?

Your mother is doing exceedingly well and should not be bullied by your husband and neither should you. He needs to learn better coping skills to manage his behavior. Abuse isn't always physical....sometimes it is verbal. Perhaps, when he feels a critical tirade coming on, he can leave the room or house or retreat to his "man cave." Then, channel his frustration into something positive like a hobby or at least count to ten and then think about what he wants to say and if he really needs to say it. Usually, with a little time and space something that feels like a ten on the annoying scale is reduced to a five or less:) And I agree with one poster's suggestion that when he does something right, you reinforce that with positive feedback. Be careful when addressing bad behavior that you frame statements fairly. When you said X, Y and Z to mom, I feel bad because..... He can't invalidate your feelings. If you say, you were mean to mom.....it puts him on the defensive. Model a way of resolving conflict, don't fan the flames by accusing him of anything. Hopefully, this uncomfortable situation will become a source for positive change.

Aww...that makes me sad to think about your mother crying when she's just trying to do her best. Bear in mind, that elders are typically more emotional simply because of their age. Perhaps hubby could be kinder.

You must stand up to the bully, if you feel that your grumpy hubby is a bully. Just do it in private and not in front of your mother. He ought to apologize to your mother.

Tell the dipwad that she is doing wonderful for being 89 years old, it cracks me up to hear idiots saying how much of a burden a 89 or 90 yr old can be, he needs to grow the "HELL" up and give more respect where respect belongs. Like the ole saying goes it's a long road that doesn't hit a curve, see how he does when he is that age. My mom is 91 and in AL maybe that would b an option. And believe me it's not healthy for you to live in this situation either, been there done that.

I began reading some of the replies then I just decided, nope- I'm going to answer this the was "I feel, living with my mother IN LAW". The difference is; she NO LONGER does a cotton-picking thing, and I mean not even picking a cotton fuzz ball off the floor! She has been living with us WAY TOO MANY YEARS. My husband brought her hear 23 years ago to die- yup, he thought it was just a matter of a year, or two, maybe three, but could be four, but I as much as five, or six, wow 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 20, 21, 22, 23 WHEN THE HELL! Sure I was very patient and kind and considerate, until her laziness, and need to demand and act like it was her house and because it was her son she could still with a stern voice tell him what he needed to do and what she wanted. Then she wouldn't cooperate or do anything! I don't know why I writing anymore... I have, for years now, it's never going to end. She has managed to ruin my life, so I'll finish with why I think your husband is acting the way he is; He's sick and tired of spending his last years taking care of her. Not having the freedom to just live his life with his wife and do all the things a married couple should be able to do. Maybe he too can't stand walking into his house and smelling her, seeing her, seeing her hair and Kleenex tissues on the floor. Get's sickened by knowing she just rinsing her hands after changing her diaper opposed to really washing them after she has. Is she always needing someone to turn her tv on when she can do it herself but needs attention? These are the things I wonder if e is dealing with but because she is your mother, maybe you aren't seeing these things. I could be so wrong and I am sorry if I am, but being on the other side, like your husband- it so difficult to NOT be a grouchy grump, because I sure have become one. I'm inching into my 60's soon, and my husband is 66 and can already retire and collect SSI. WHEN will we EVER be able to enjoy our Golden years and just sit around and twiddle our thumbs "IF WE WANT"?

Oh leelor, I can wholeheartedly agree with the messes that u r talking about, even though my 👩 is in AL, I am there often and have (cleaned) her "many of time, I do her laundry, cut her hair, change her bed, take her cruising, bring her food, because I'v seen what the damn food looks like. Quit my job of 8 yrs to take care of my mom, because well she took care of me and my siblings. I was very blessed
But when I hear selfish self centered so called Ioving sons and daughters bitch and throw a fit because their parent that by the raised us and they smelled our shit, tripped over toys, cleaned up our messes, put up with back talk, anybody could go on and on with that sinaro. They put up with ALOT taught us and etc. This older generation didn't get to sign up for what is happening to them. Im not going to say I'm offened because dear god, who isn'tisn't? I am "pissed off. Wanna know why?? I have 2 brothers that do not call, their f*****g lives are so important god knows they want to "live their lives and of course both my parents would want them to. But they seem to forget one important factor: to return a measly phone call once a week for 10 minutes.

You could ask your husband to tell you about any criticism he has about your mom and that you will handle it with her. This is the way to handle step children. The adult speaks to the actual parent of the child and they handle it. If he was unhappy that she didn't get the dishes clean for example he should tell you. At that point, if she isn't washing them well, you could redirect her to another task. Send her over to my house, she sounds like a great roommate. I won't make her cry! You can keep the husband though! Seriously, it might help if you and husband have some more couple's time. Go out on a date?

Maybe contact your local Aging Service Access Point (ASAP) and inquire about Caregiver Support for both you and your husband.

The one time my husband criticized the way I did his laundry was when he started doing his own...and continues to do so. Life is too short, especially for our elders, to nit pick about such petty things. If he's unhappy with the way your mom is doing things, then, by all means, allow him to take charge of the task himself. I'd be amazed and overwhelmed if my 87 year old mother could do one of those things. She should be praised, not criticized. I do agree with RoseZullo, that there are always 2 sides, so you should find out why your husband is so unhappy that he has to take out his anger on an 89 year old lady. Wishing you peace.

I am going to answer this with a comparison situation. Many, many years ago I married a man with a son. It was pure misery and I felt I had no respect and was treated very badly and discipline when it was needed never entered the picture. I won't go into the gory details when, but for the Grace of God, I nearly died, the doctor intervened and told my husband that he knew he loved me, his wife, and his son and that was fine. However, it would be SUICIDE if he had both of us live under the same roof. He was right. But by the time he son left, the damage to the marriage was done. What I am saying, love the mother and love the spouse but they CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE UNDER THE SAFE ROOF TOGETHER. It just won't work.

She don't touch Anything of his an He doesn't have Anything done for him ..as He criticizes - Done deal :-)