Don't share your feelings with your sister anymore. She obviously isn't compassionate to your care giving role and while I understand your need to reach out for support from a sibling in this situation your sister isn't likely to be receptive to anything you may share about being a caregiver. Seek out other support among other family members, friends, and community.
Good advice because her speaking to her sister will fall on deaf ears which will only become more frustrating to the caregiver. It always made me feel worse when I got ridiculous responses from my siblings. So I stopped calling them.
Consider this. And I say this as the sibling who lives far away—when you vent to your SIL you probably make her feel helpless and leave her wondering what she is supposed to do. I don’t fault you at all for trying to keep her informed but for those of us who don’t live nearby and who can’t just drop everything to help, it is hard to hear the harsh reality of the situation from our siblings who are there dealing with it. All it does is make me stress and worry over something I have no control over and can’t fix. I think you both need to have a mutual understanding here. She needs recognize how hard it is to be in your position and you need to understand how hard it is to be in hers.
So you shouldn't be "stressed and worried" but it's ok if the caregiver is? Maybe, she just needs a kind, listening ear! And there IS something you can do - go relieve her once and a while so she can take a vacation or bring them to your home for a visit so she can get a break.
We all need someone to spew to when caregiving becomes too much but your sister clearly isn't it. This forum is a great place full of people who have been there, done that, it truly kept me sane!
It must be pretty irritating to hear your sibling tell you you're 'insensitive' to tell her your feelings, considering she comes to help out a few times a year! What I'm confused about is why she feels you're being 'insensitive'.........? Does it somehow hurt her feelings to hear you vent? Does it make her feel guilty that she's not doing more to help you out? If you can figure out what is at the root of her statement, perhaps you can then figure out a way to speak to her whereby BOTH of you leave the conversation feeling satisfied.
If not, stop talking to her about your feelings and vent to someone else who has better listening skills.
Tell her to step in your shoes for a few months and then and only then will you accept her criticism as fact. In the meantime I would ask her to either take over the caretaking or pay for one.
Ditto to what Eyerishlass and cwillie posted. Unfortunately, you can't pick your family. Even though you haven't provided details of who you're caring for and other situational info, please stop to consider that "sometimes feel overwhelmed" will probably eventually turn into "completely overwhelmed" if you are caring for an elderly person who is infirmed or has dementia -- they require more care, not the same or less, as time goes on. You should really start thinking about how to deal with this reality so you don't become burnt out (or broke or sick in some cases -- just read some of the other posts by on this forum). Blessings!
If your sibling does not want to listen to you, I would ask him or her, could he pay for a caretaker or visit more often so you could attend a support group.
There is a flip side, u don't have to worry about her telling u what to do. And if she does tell her since she doesn't seem to want to be involved in the caregiving keep her opinions to herself.
My one brother could have cared less what I did for my mom. She existed for him to steal money from and I was standing in his way. My other brother thought I was trying to make him feel bad. True to a point. I needed help.
As a couple of other folks have mentioned, it is possible she is feeling guilty and does not know how to verbalize it. I too am far away, so far that I can only visit once or twice a year. My sister and I sort of naturally fell into a division of labor so to speak. Her job does not allow her to take calls during the days, while mine does, so I am listed first on the facility’s call list. I handle everything that can be done by phone (when my parents were doing better, this meant solving their crises three to four times per week as they were still able to call me). I also handle all the “business” aspects. My sister does the in person visiting. We both have times when our respective roles overwhelm us. And truthfully, we both have times when we are insensitive to what the other is going through. This is not easy on anyone. Maybe you could find a local support group...search for Alzheimers support groups as a starting point. If one group cannot give what you need, they may be able to recommend another. And come here often where you will always find loving support from people who understand what you are going through. Bless you for all you are doing. Be kind to yourself.
If not, stop talking to her about your feelings and vent to someone else who has better listening skills.
Good luck!
See All Answers