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She visits every few months for a couple days.

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Thanks for starting this post. I live 2 hours from Dad and my sister lives six hours from him. First my Mom was sick and passed away and now my father is showing signs of dementia plus other common issues with elderly - CHF, COPD. I have spent almost 5 years of weekends (and sometimes weekday) visits to check on and care for my parents. I have given up time with my family, money, almost lost (or even still may lose) my job, etc. My Dads siblings live in the same town and volunteered to help with my Dad, but it is all talk no action - plus they are retired and have health issues so I do not expect a lot from them.

Everyone thinks because I have only one son and my husband can care for him while I am gone that that is ok.. I am missing out on so much. He is not a pleasant person either and smokes like an chimney so I cannot move him into my house as I have asthma and he will fall if he smokes outside. It is a mess and so dysfunctional...

Dad qualifies for community care service and meals on wheel which worked for a while on the weekdays; however, now that his mental state is worsening he fires all his caregivers.

He agreed to and was accepted into assisted living last week, but he had a fit and locked me out of the house. So I went home to my house to prepare for Christmas. Because, guess what - my sister and family and Dad came to my house for the holidays. I had wanted to go to their house with Dad so that I could get a few days break from worrying about my Dad and caring for him myself. But they came for one day, left and now I am alone again to care for Dad....my husband put his foot down and said that if they are that worried about Dad then they need to take time to help or Dad will have to be on his own. Dad told us yesterday he would agree to assisted living - but there are too many rules there so my husband does not think it will work.

I am too young to retire and my Dad and I cannot afford to hire full time help at home.

Some people may think I am selfish for wanting to spend time with my son before he graduates from high school - I want to help him get into a great college.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
You’re not selfish. Your sister will not share the responsibility. Your husband had a right to be annoyed. He doesn’t want you to be saddled with everything. You have a right to be annoyed.

Dad should go to assisted living. He has lived his life and now you deserve to live yours. Your sister will not care for your dad and isn’t obligated to and neither are you. Tell him you are not doing it anymore and it’s time for him to go live in a facility.
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Keep taking advantage of this forum whenever you need to vent. It's big help to be able to express your frustrations and feelings, especially to sympathetic listeners.
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There is the old story about a man going into the doctor and saying, doc, it hurts when I move my arm like this.

The doctor says, dont move your arm like that.
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Stop telling her-she will never understand. You want her to be sister you thought she was, not the one she is.

This is terribly disappointing, but unfortunately common.
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“Walk a mile in my shoes “. I’m an only. But I have a cousin who is the only sibling living in the same city as her parents. My cousin has 3 siblings. They are all so willing to let her be the one on call, the weekly visitor , their parents are 85 and 82. No dementia in either. I’ve told my cousin who lives close to them, that her siblings will need to help her, if and when the time comes. Which eventually it will. She agrres
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Thanks for showing that even if we have siblings most of the time one child does it all, therefore carrying the entire load alone. It’s precisely the same as being an only child, maybe a bit worse because only children don’t have siblings constantly criticizing them. I once saw an only child post on this forum that they were glad they didn’t have siblings after reading about rotten siblings. Truly sad situation.
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Probably nothing to gain by talking to her on it. She will not help in any event, the you just feel frustrated she is not helping.
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Ladyeagle,

I totally understand that you feel overwhelmed at times. For the record I don’t feel you are being insensitive at all. I do feel that your sister is being insensitive though for not allowing you to express your feelings to her. That is the very least that she could do.

If she ever needs you, you can turn the tables on her and let her see how it feels not having you to listen. Or you can listen and hopefully she will see that she should have been kind enough to listen to you.
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Ladyeagle,

Seek out a caregiver support group if you can. I don’t mean just to vent. Venting is good but you need real help. You may see solutions that others came up with and can implement some of those ideas in caring for your mom. I hope so.

Also therapy if possible. Does mom have money to pay for a caregiver so you can tend to these things? Your sister hasn’t shown concern for you so seek support elsewhere. That is what I had to do.

People on this forum will be here as much as we can be. This forum was and is a great support to me. The social worker that I work with is very helpful to me. The social worker that led the support group once a month helped some too. She called me In between meetings which I wasn’t expecting. She was very kind.
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Here’s what the OP says about her sister. “My sibling thinks it’s insensitive of me to tell her I am sometimes overwhelmed.”

That pretty much says it all, point blank. Don’t even have to read between the lines on that statement. The out of town sibling is treating her sister like she is a burden and uninterested in hearing about anything because she doesn’t want to be uncomfortable. She’s not concerned about the discomfort of her caregiver sister.

How terribly sad that the OP doesn’t receive any compassion, understanding or support from her sibling. Then the OP goes on to ask this forum for advice.

I doubt seriously that her sibling will show any indication of being thoughtful or even grateful to her for being mom’s caregiver.

Let me tell everyone how it truly is since I was the caregiver sister for a bazillion years. My siblings treated me the same way. It’s so common for one child to do it all. The caregiver is doing everything for their mom, but the out of town sibling feels that it is a burden just to listen to her talk about it. Wow! Kind of says it all, doesn’t it?

How about the sister saying something like, ‘I sincerely wish that I could help but being so far away I can’t do anything.’ Anything like that would be sweet to say and then the caregiver wouldn’t feel so alone as a caregiver. I felt horribly alone because I was alone!

My siblings never failed to show up if they were invited for a meal that I cooked or money from mom. Some of us have truly pathetic siblings.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
No it doesn’t say it all. You are all speculation and making very broad assumptions based on that one sentence. As the out of state sibling, I can honestly say that the sentence you quote does not say much of anything at all.
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I think perhaps she feels guilty, and feels that when you put down your luggage for a moment she must pick it up. Reassure her that you understand how far away she is and that she is trying to help you, but that you need just to be able to let her know your truth. That you don't expect her to be able to fix it. If there are some things you feel she COULD do to help you, why not ask that directly. She can only say no. And you can only say you either do or do not understand her inability to help you.
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FloridaDD Dec 2019
I see no evidence that the out of town sister is trying to help, maybe I missed a follow up?   Yes, Op should ask direct help:

1.  Handling bills, meds, etc.
2.   If mom is short on money, help with paying for caregiver.  OP should not have to do it all.
3.   Research caregiver groups that OP can go to
4.  Visit to give OP a vacation.  Even a staycation. 
5.   And listen.   OP should remind her sister that she has to listen to moms complaints, it is out of town sister who is being insensitive.
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Oh my gosh, I have to say that I literally wanted to scream after I spoke to my siblings. Seriously, I was sorry that I foolishly called them thinking that I would receive support from them. I get it! I just wanted them to understand about how hard it was for me to watch mom deteriorate further daily with Parkinson’s disease. It is heartbreaking! I needed a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen and for them to simply care and be grateful to me for doing all of the heavy lifting!

The first thing out of their mouth was some stupid ‘devil’s advocate’ thing making me out to be the bad guy for even feeling the way I did. What a joke! They are clueless! I would suffer in silence because I stopped calling them after dealing with their crap.

They acted like mom was a queen and I was a servant. They thought that I was supposed to look at caring for her as a privilege. I was supposed to be joyful 100 percent of the time too so mom wouldn’t get upset. That is just not realistic. Yeah, right! Oh but I was supposed to show empathy for whatever crap they told me about. You’ve got to be kidding me.

Now my brother will somewhat see. Mom now lives with him after I burned out. She hired help for him. I was required to do everything because I was female! So nuts! 15 years of my life gone that I can’t ever get back. She’s 94 now so he won’t have her for 15 years like I did.

You know what’s funny? My sibs were always at my house for holiday or Sunday meals! Then hug and kiss mom goodbye. Not even thank me for cooking a fabulous meal. So guess what? I QUIT! I quit all meals for them. Why should I slave in the kitchen for hours on end when they did nothing? What a fool I was.

Funny how they had time for everything else. Their vacations, like I wanted to hear about their cruise at my dinner table while all I did was care for mom and hadn’t had a much needed vacation in a bazillion years.

They made time for their friends, and whatever else they wanted to do, excuses, excuses, excuses! That’s all it was with them. One person can’t do it all. God knows I did it by myself but it nearly killed me!

So, I am sending you a million hugs!

One final word, KARMA!
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elaineSC Dec 2019
NeedHelpWithMom, I can't even imagine you preparing a holiday spread for the ungrateful siblings. I understand fully how you could be so angry and it is hard to believe they could be that insensitive. On the other hand, my sisters kids who my parents gave money to all the time and fawned over never once came to see my mother in that nursing home over 4 years and only came to Mom & Dad's house when they were made to by my sister. So when my sister had the aneurysm and stroke, they stopped dropping in totally and never went to the nursing home. I was the only one handling both parents and my husband would help by taking my Dad to some of his doctor appointments while I was checking on my mother and her clothes and whether she was being given enough thickened water at the nursing home. I go to Probate tomorrow for the final meeting which should end Probate. My sister's daughter acts like she can't get off work an hour early to even come to the courthouse to sign the paperwork. Keep in mind that I have handled everything for my parents and even the sale of their house after Mom died last December. They just wait for their half of the check. My niece, who lives with my sister, will say thank you at least from time to time but it seems forced. I have to remember that I did all of this for my parents and glad I was able to do it. Went through the dreaded Medicaid spend down and dealt with audits by social security and Medicaid and was the point person to make decisions. Each time she went to the ER due to falling out of her geriatric chair or "climbing" out of it and got hurt, here I went to meet the EMS at the Emergency Room at the hospital and sat for hours. They don't even acknowledge any of it. Mom was in the hospital for a whole week one time and not one single family member showed up to even visit her! I was so shocked because my mother had done so much for them. It was like the nevere even cared for her at all nor were they appreciative of anything she did for them through the years. So sad. I try not to think about it or I will be/stay bitter about their behavior. What you wrote about your siblings just struck a chord with me and my heart goes out to you. It is hard to forget that stuff too.
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It’s difficult when siblings simply don’t understand because they haven’t had the experience. My own ‘vent-worthy’ trial was when I was considering whether mother could move to an AL very close to me, so that frequent visits (even the granddaughters on the way home from school) were easier. Sister said ‘I was just considering my own convenience.’ Ouch! Twenty years and a lot of experience later, that sister is a lot more understanding about the caregiver reality and also the interests of the person being cared for. The other sister did manage a weekend here so that I could go away to a Nature Resort, which was great.

Instead of venting, perhaps you could think of ways that your sister could help. Yes you should go away when she visits, but it shouldn’t be an angry punishment. Could sister fund a caregiver for a weekend or two, between her own visits? Could she field some of the calls, as suggested in other posts? You are in a better position to work out what could help, as sister doesn’t have a clue - how could she? Helping would give each of you something to be grateful for, and help her not to feel angry and guilty. Writing off the relationship isn’t going to help either of you, or your mother. Best wishes, and good luck at a difficult time.
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She apparently has never been a caregiver. Good gosh. Tell her to walk a mile in your shoes.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Thank you for saying this!
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Yes. Tell her to walk a mile in your shoes.

I was deeply frustrated by DH's children offering to help - "we're only a phone call and a few hours away" - and when I finally did need them, the answer I got was, "I'll be there in 2 weeks." DH passed 2 weeks later. Talk about too little, too late.

No, I'm not bitter - I'm thankful that I managed as long as DH survived, as a 24/7 Caregiver. Today I owe his children absolutely nothing. I can live with that.

Advice is cheap. Help isn't. Let her think whatever she wants to think. Karma really is a witch. What goes around, comes around.

You just do the best you can and keep coming back here to vent.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Yep!
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My suggestion: Reach out to your local Senior Services agency and seek help. You can call your local 211 ( or 411) the local information number. Then keep radio silence with that sibling. Siblings sure can be mean. I grew up around friends who had the most callous siblings. I never had any.
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I think you’re better off talking to the wall than her. On this site, you can always vent. Your sister is the one who is insensitive. & selfish too. Next time when she comes to visit, give her a list of chores to do. Then just leave. Go to movies & lunch with a friend. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb. Hugs 🤗
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Seems out of state sibling may be overwhelmed by your need for emotional support. Don't get mad or saddened by this person's inability to help you. Instead, consider finding support people closer to home: friends/family who will listen or give you a respite for an hour or so, folks from church who will pray with you and for you... and paid help to give you time to attend your own needs. Yes, your needs are just as important as the person you are caring for. If out of state sibling offers to give you "time off" - take it and get away from it all. Let this sibling get the full experience of caregiving. Yes, their caregiving will be different than yours, but your LO should survive and so should your sibling and you.
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Let visiting sister take over for at least two days (so it includes an overnight) when she is the sole caretaker. A longer time would be better, b/c with just a day or two there would be too many things she could just postpone or ignore until you stepped back in.

If you continue caretaking as usual when sister is visiting, she is not getting the xperience, you are not getting a break, you just have one more person in the house. If your sister has a long enough turn at being responsible, she might be less critical.
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my2cents Dec 2019
2 days???? Give sis a full dose with a week's vacation. LOL
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Try to find extra care most out of state siblings seem not to care for what ever the reason.
My brother came in cause not was my dads birthday. But I left the two together and had super diem job didn't come back till late. I would have gone to a hotel. Do next time your sibling comes in town go somewhere and don't say where your going. I think me working all day and letting them stay together might have helped his insensitivity. We didn't get to take cause I didn't come home till dark.
It may take a few times but whenever they come just leave you need it.
ALos get a CNA to help out for s few hours a week they can do chores around the house while you step out and relax some.
If you're taking care of a Veteran go to the VA and ask for a CNA it is free of charge. Its not a lot of hours but every little bit helps. Probably should ask for their nurse or Social worker and see what other services they offer. They won't necessarily tell you..
Llook into the Find Care option on this site if not a Veterans family or if you can afford it.
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FloridaDD Dec 2019
All these, get this, get that, can take hours or days of time to apply for.  Tell out of state sibling to do it.
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My one brother could have cared less what I did for my mom. She existed for him to steal money from and I was standing in his way. My other brother thought I was trying to make him feel bad. True to a point. I needed help.
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katiekat2009 Dec 2019
I had the same experience.
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She may not realize what is really happening day to day.
The next few days write out EXACTLY what you do for the person you care for.
Write it out so that anyone would be able to follow and do your "job".
Next time she comes for a visit..you tell her that you are going to visit a friend and here is a schedule that you can follow.
Then pick up your over night bag and walk out the door.
I think a day doing what you do might make her realize what you face day after day.
And to this point do you get time off? You need a break once in a while. So next time you talk to your sibling discuss the need to place your loved one in respite for a week. (If your loved one is on Hospice Medicare pays for 1 week of respite per year)
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Judysai422 Dec 2019
A week is not enough...take a 3 week cruise or 6 week safari. 😘
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As a couple of other folks have mentioned, it is possible she is feeling guilty and does not know how to verbalize it. I too am far away, so far that I can only visit once or twice a year. My sister and I sort of naturally fell into a division of labor so to speak. Her job does not allow her to take calls during the days, while mine does, so I am listed first on the facility’s call list. I handle everything that can be done by phone (when my parents were doing better, this meant solving their crises three to four times per week as they were still able to call me). I also handle all the “business” aspects. My sister does the in person visiting. We both have times when our respective roles overwhelm us. And truthfully, we both have times when we are insensitive to what the other is going through. This is not easy on anyone. Maybe you could find a local support group...search for Alzheimers support groups as a starting point. If one group cannot give what you need, they may be able to recommend another. And come here often where you will always find loving support from people who understand what you are going through. Bless you for all you are doing. Be kind to yourself.
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Yes. Tell her to take over. Seriously.
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I found the same thing with my brother. He comes twice a year and when I would call him to share, he would make a flippant remark and move on. After much prayer, I have forgiven him and realize he can't handle hearing anything or doesn't know what to do with it. So I quit expecting something he either can't or won't give. Either way I'm at peace and get support from others.
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Tell her to step in your shoes for a few months and then and only then will you accept her criticism as fact. In the meantime I would ask her to either take over the caretaking or pay for one.
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wendall Dec 2019
My situation exactly. Very hurtful. Work on forgiveness daily
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I think if your sibling visits for a couple of days every few months, she should be willing to take over so you can get a dang break! Then maybe you would not be so overwhelmed. Sounds like she "visits" and still expects you to do everything? Like wait on her too? Maybe she can offer to stay with your family member and you can go to a hotel for a few days and relax. Maybe she can help pay for this? She says you are insensitive,, because she doesn't want to step up? My Aunt takes my mom for a week or so every few months, and we take my Aunt for a week or so in return, so her kids get a break ( she is in better shape, but they still love to be able to not worry about her) We also take her on all our vacations, so her kids can relax a bit. I will say I am an only child, and she has 6 living,, but I am happy to help them, and they are happy to help me!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Amen!
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It must be pretty irritating to hear your sibling tell you you're 'insensitive' to tell her your feelings, considering she comes to help out a few times a year! What I'm confused about is why she feels you're being 'insensitive'.........? Does it somehow hurt her feelings to hear you vent? Does it make her feel guilty that she's not doing more to help you out? If you can figure out what is at the root of her statement, perhaps you can then figure out a way to speak to her whereby BOTH of you leave the conversation feeling satisfied.

If not, stop talking to her about your feelings and vent to someone else who has better listening skills.

Good luck!
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If your sibling does not want to listen to you, I would ask him or her, could he pay for a caretaker or visit more often so you could attend a support group.
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Consider this. And I say this as the sibling who lives far away—when you vent to your SIL you probably make her feel helpless and leave her wondering what she is supposed to do. I don’t fault you at all for trying to keep her informed but for those of us who don’t live nearby and who can’t just drop everything to help, it is hard to hear the harsh reality of the situation from our siblings who are there dealing with it. All it does is make me stress and worry over something I have no control over and can’t fix. I think you both need to have a mutual understanding here. She needs recognize how hard it is to be in your position and you need to understand how hard it is to be in hers.
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katiekat2009 Dec 2019
So you shouldn't be "stressed and worried" but it's ok if the caregiver is? Maybe, she just needs a kind, listening ear! And there IS something you can do - go relieve her once and a while so she can take a vacation or bring them to your home for a visit so she can get a break.
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There is a flip side, u don't have to worry about her telling u what to do. And if she does tell her since she doesn't seem to want to be involved in the caregiving keep her opinions to herself.
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