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Alzheimer's dementia is kind of like living in reverse. Sufferers have difficulty retaining current information and start living on prior knowledge/memories. It seems your wife reminds mom of somebody who she had difficulty with in the past - so much so that she is now venting dormant feelings of hostility and hurt from "that relationship". Knowing this may never change the way mom is acting, but your wife can see that the actions are not directed at her but a hurtful relationship with a female in the past. As the son, you might be able to get mom to open up about what is bothering her. Another tactic is to divert mom to other ways of connecting.

My gram had some dementia and would get into a "do loop" about my grandpa and his brother having disagreements in their business. Gramps chose to sell his portion of the business to his brother, but there were a lot of hard feelings afterward. Of course, Gram took her husband's side and would get into snit fits about Uncle W. I would divert her attention to the last time she saw Uncle W and his family and the changes. I talked and prayed with her about forgiveness. Then, I reminded her that wee had chosen to "forgive" this situation and would change the subject. She eventually let go of this memory and moved onto talking about her childhood friends.

Praying and hoping that your mom will let go of this painful memory and move to more pleasant behavior in the future. If mom becomes agitated, lashes out in frustration or anger... you need to talk to her doctor about medications to help mom relax more and/or antidepressants or mood enhancers to help lift her out of anger.
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You do not address your mom's behavior. You may find it helpful to find a caregiver support group. Realize that dementia causes all sorts of unusual behavior and it really has nothing to do with your wife. Being associated with someone with dementia requires very thick skin.

In the future wait for mom to make the first move to hug, not your wife. Dementia requires a whole new set of rules.
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Treat your wife with something special each time she goes through a bad experience. When I would be having a bad time with my mom, I would concentrate on how I would treat myself later. A small
celebration of getting through a difficult situation. A little time to cruise through the bath aisle at the drug store. Some moisturizing cream in a floral fragrance. A cappuccino with whip cream from Wawa.
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Caring replies from the veteran caregivers her, so I will simply recommend reading...like The 36 Hour Day......and the library of posts and replies on the wonderful forum. Knowledge and compassion are incredible tools to have on this journey.
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It is hard when they become nasty and you begin to not know them. One thing is for sure, your mother can't and won't change. You just have to know that they don't mean it and it isn't her anymore. It may be easier to tolerate.
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You may not be able to change any of mom's behavior--but remind your wife that she did, at one time, have a sweet relationship with your mother and nothing can take away from that.

My MIL has hated me and has been verbal with this since before DH and I got married. I thought time would soften her. Nope, It has gotten so bad I cannot even be in the same room with her--she'll start in on me. (Early dementia now, so she doesn't even have a filter left to keep her from saying nasty things to me in front of anyone).

Your wife DID have a good relationship. She needs to hang on to that. And if she needs to cry, to mourn the loss of that, let her. It's OK to feel bad when sad things happen.
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DennisRice Aug 2019
Remembering the good times is even more important as new challenges arise. Thanks for the reminder, and hope your MIL sees new light one day.
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Dennis, just a thought, maybe your Mom could be dealing with an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can cause all types of strange behaviors in us seniors. It is really worth having Mom tested, and if it is an UTI, that can be cleared with antibiotics. If the behavior remains afterwards, then you know for sure that it is the broken brain reacting.
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DennisRice Aug 2019
Good to know — thanks for that suggestion. Will definitely have that checked.
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Your wife has done nothing to offend your mother. Make it clear to your wife that this is so, and that her being excluded from your mother's embraces is the result of one filter or another gone missing, or one connection or another misfiring.

But your wife is still responding appropriately by being sad. God knows, this is sad. It would be a good idea to read up on dementia, especially its more challenging aspects, and prepare.

What you need to drop immediately and forever is that idea of correcting your mother's "poor" behaviour. She's not "getting away" with anything. Her brain is disintegrating. Respond to incidents like this in sorrow and not in anger. Don't rebuke her or challenge her - go round the problem.

One way to look at it is to imagine what your "real" mother's feelings would be about the way she is behaving now that she's lost her internal guide, and remember that the real person is not like this.

If it gets much worse - I hope it won't, but it may - then support your wife in putting boundaries in place so that she isn't forced into painful or humiliating encounters. For example, if your mother begins to make unkind personal remarks - again, I HOPE this won't happen, it's just an example - then it needs to be fine for your wife to avoid being out with her in public, or to leave the room, or to do whatever she needs to do not to have to listen to that kind of thing. You can't change your mother's behaviour, but that doesn't mean your wife just has to suck it up.
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DennisRice Aug 2019
Thanks for taking time to reply, all good advice. So hard to see such a great woman be so uncaring!
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There is no rhyme or reason to this desease. Telling Mom she hurt ur wifes fillings probably will be forgot in a few minutes or the next day. Your Mom is entering her own little world. The brain is undergoing changes. Right now ur Mom may see ur wife as a threat. They cling to the one they know, their child. I found my Mom lost her reasoning. Then her ability to process. We had a friend put in a walk in shower for her. He was so happy with the result but Mom acted like she didn't realize it was for her.

I agree u and wife need to get more info on this disease. Call ur local hospital and see if they provide Seminars. One of our local ALs does and all r welcome. There is a video on utube under Alzhemers. Look for the yellow brain. It is about ALZ but my Moms Dementia followed it pretty closely.

Your Moms brain is dying. She cannot be held responsible for what she says or thinks.
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DennisRice Aug 2019
No rhyme or reason is right. Just sadness with moments of clarity. One day at a time!
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None of us really know for sure what happens in the mind of someone suffering from dementia, and although there is increasing research, the ramblings of the healthy mind should indicate how tragically the inexplicably damaged mind must search in vain for the information and connections that served it well in its healthy past.

What I have done for years, and what has always served me when dealing with those whom I loved so dearly when they were well, is IGNORE, and if this fails, to continue to ignore.

Your dear mother’s brain is now broken beyond repair, and I know of no test that can reveal a single strategy for reclaiming what was lost. You see her lack of hugging as something she somehow chooses as a reaction to your wife.

If that were so, there would be specific strategies for you to employ to remind her of the kindness and comradeship she experienced with her DDIL in the past. Sadly, it is not so.

”Forgiving” her is important for your wife.

“Ignoring” your mother’s negative conduct is a gift that you may choose, if you decide to, to give to your mother. As the disease process continues, she may treat your wife more warmly, or perhaps not. But in loving her, you must address her just as she is.

This is a disease of tragedy and generosity and loss and compassion. Most of us here are veterans in this war. and we understand how you’re feeling.
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DennisRice Aug 2019
Thanks so much for the veteran advice. Each day brings a new question we have a hard time answering, so much appreciate the help.
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Why is crying not the correct response? It hurts.
But no one is at fault. And no one can fix this. It is, as we on the forum always say, not your mom speaking now, it is the disease.
What you need to do now is accept that. Don't pretend it doesn't hurt. Don't pretend it is not worth crying over. Go ahead. Weep. It clears the head, it washes out the soul.
No, you don't address a broken mind. It is broken. It cannot be helped. There are currently no answers for it. What you DO do is sit together and discuss together what you each are capable of doing moving forward for Mom, for you are losing the person you knew before your eyes, and you will be left with a diagnosis that looks a lot like your Mom used to look. And you will still have to function best you can in her protection without breaking both yourselves and your marriage.
So there is no option but to accept. If anyone needs help then seek it with a licensed social worker trained in dealing with life changes. Talk together. Accept your honest reactions to pain. The honest reaction to pain is to cry.
Next, sit together and discuss what you each are willing to do moving forward, what if and when. DO NOT attempt to take on the 24/7 care of this woman, as that is what will soon be needed if it is not now. Live your lives the best you can, being the good and decent people you are in the midst of a terrible terrible disease.
So sorry for all the pain. Be easy on yourselves. Be gentle on yourselves. Recognize your limitation.
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DennisRice Aug 2019
Working on introducing the idea of assisted living, but it will be an uphill battle. One day at a time.
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Have you tried asking your mom if she is upset with your wife? I would just approach it as, "mom I noticed that you are not hugging DW and I was wondering if everything is all good?"

If it is the dementia, she probably won't have a clue. Which if frustrating because we like to know what is going on.

Encourage your wife to do some research on dementia and the behaviors that you can expect, it will help her understand that it is nothing personal and she won't feel as hurt. I know that when a great hugger stops hugging you it is a loss and she is justified in a few tears, grieving for that loss. You will all find that you are loosing your mom one brain cell at a time and that is why it is called the long goodbye. You loose parts and pieces of your loved one everyday it seems and you grieve those changes as they happen, it is a gut wrenching journey for everyone.

I am sorry that your wife seems to be the 1st one and that your family is facing this. Give your wife a hug and this website. It will help her find peace with her new roll.
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Takincare Aug 2019
I agree to ask mom whats going on, if DW "said or did something " sometimes the answer may surprise you, eg she made me take my cane with me into the store. They fixate on things. If it's early on in her long road she may make sense of her twisted thinking. I have found in my personal experience with MIL, focus is on her son and daughters, I am her main caregiver and am also the one who she treats poorly. Unfortunately they tend to abuse the ones who do the most for them. Right now it's withholding affection, when the verbal abuse and meanness begins you will have to grow a suit of armor around your heart to protect your feelings. Cry, its good to release stress. Not easy to travel down this road but travel it many do. She may be frustrated because she realizes something is not quite right but not sure what it is. They go thru denial and anger, needing to lash out at someone. Pretending that they are still ok and able to fully function, that they're "still with it", and able to fool some for short periods of time is the norm. Took a bit but hospice nurse, cna, and social worker see it now because it's harder to keep up the charade and remember everything.
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