My mother with early dementia is treating my wife poorly at times. How do we address this?

I haven't read all the comments here, so this may have been addressed already. If not, and this may sound too simplistic but: Is it possible that your mother may feel that your wife is the one being standoffish and uncaring, and she's playing off those feelings. Sometimes communication can be confusing. When you say she's uncaring, what does that mean? Mean words? Hard glares? Total avoidance? What happens when your wife tries to hug your mother? Does mom hug back, or refuse? Just ask your mother if she is angry at your wife. Or have your wife ask her. In this case, ignorance is NOT bliss.

Alzheimer's is just one, albeit the most common, types of dementia. Dementia is the catch all term for memory loss. There are more than 70 types of dementia, some of them reversible. UTI's can cause dementia symptoms, so with mom it may be something as simple as that. Get her to her doc for a thorough check.

Hi Dennis Rice. While I do feel sad for Your Wife and You also, I feel a dreadful sadness for Your Mother tho because Life for Your Mom is over and it will never resemble Life as it used to be. You say She now has a lot of the symptoms of early dementia, which suggests Your Mother has not been diagnosed yet ? and it sounds like You are correct but You do really need to get Your Mother diagnosed by contacting Her Doctor. Demensia similar to alzheimers is other wise known as the silent thief robbing the Sufferer of memory, speach, balance, and at the end organ failure. I would suggest to limit exposing Your Wife to Your Mom, and avoid conflict with Mom because Her behaviour is not deliberate, it is a disease of the brain. Try to plan ahead eg full time Care for Your Mother etc.
Good Luck Dennis and remember to keep in contact with this wonderful Site which is a God send for all of Us Caregivers Who found Ourselves Caring 24/7 for a Loved One. I had zero help but through Aging Care I received the best Help from wonderful caring Caregivers Who encouraged me, advised me, and We shared the journey together. In short I could never have done it with out all of Them, and I will forever be thankful.

It's dementia. It's the new normal. As much as the behavior seems planted in reality and seems nasty and spiteful and that she seems quite capable, it's the disease. Roll your eyes and don't dwell on it...but you can limit (or your wife should) your exposure if it is that distressing. Check in with your Alzheimer's Assn Chapter or a brain health MD for a course called the Savvy Caregiver to get a better understanding of the illness. SHe and you are not alone. There's nothing we can do, we can only change our own behavior and the way we react which is far easier said than done. My mother and I have an antagonistic relationship, always have. I left two outfits for her to pick from for a celebratory lunch out (her and dads 70th anniversary) and she comes dressed in a resale shop special. You can't and shouldn't address this directly. You'll be using energy you don't need to waste.

I know how much this hurts especially since your mom was a kind, loving mom & MIL for so long. Dementia is cruel. It can totally change a persons personality.
I know this will be hard to believe but your mom doesn’t even realize what’s she’s doing.

This has happened to me with my MIL & my mom as well. I always considered my MIL to be like a 2nd mother. My mom & I always had a good relationship.

When they were hit with dementia, everything changed. They were the exact opposite of the way they had been all their life.

My MIL would accuse me of stealing from her...money, jewelry and clothes. I’m a size 2...she wore a size woman’s 20! She even threatened to call the police.

My my mom wasn’t that extreme. But she would say very hurtful things to me & my dad. However it’s all so hurtful because you’re trying your best to help them.

I found that the best ways to handle theses times is to just agree, ignore or try to change the subject. Even when they would say awful things as I left each visit (which was everyday), I would just say I love you.

Its very hard. It makes no sense. You will at times think...she KNOWS what she’s doing. But the truth is...she doesn’t & unfortunately it will get worse.

Just try to keep in mind that she is now living in the moment because she’s losing her long & short term memory. Try to make moments as special as you can.

Tell your wife...it’s OK to cry. It’s actually part of a mourning process that has already started.
Prayers for you both.

Basically your mom wants all your attention on her & she sees your wife as a roadblock - your mom has dementia & all the govenors on her behavior & how she acts are leaving - she is doing what she sees as self preservation for her optimum life .... it may not make sense but it is true - you will look back in 5 years & see how true it is - good luck as she seems to be developing into a master manipulator

You think that not hugging is bad behavior?!? Lol ...you better fasten your seatbelts for what else is ahead. For example, cursing, hitting, refusing to take meds, refusing to follow the simplest of instructions, falling, not being able to walk, unable to toilet herself, diaper changes in middle of night, etc ....
hugs🤗 to you all

This happened with my Mom. It could be that she is thinking of you as more than a son, perhaps her husband instead. I know it sounds weird but it could be that she is jealous and confused as to why your wife is there in the first place. Three is a crowd. I had to get my Mom out of the house because it got to a very toxic situation. Not really sure what you can do about this but it probably will not get any better. I would suggest you start looking for an alternative before it destroys your marriage.

I encourage you to watch Teepa Snow on you tube discuss dementia and all that goes along with. The hurtful words are explained. It’s very helpful!

it is a grieving you and your wife have now that your mother is different. It is the disease, not behavior management issue.
Your wife can not live for your mother's approval or acknowledgements now. That woman is gone. She needs to see her as a patient and just try to be patient and friendly, but it is not her mother in law anymore.
Someone with Dementia has pieces of memory and it is scary. She may know you and not your wife now. My husband's great grandma knew her son in law and not her own sister. She greeted her son in law so warmly by name and her sister said years later how "my own sister didnt even know me".
That is hard to come to terms with. Same body/different mind.
Hope you can find supportive people to help you learn more.

Dennis said "So hard to see such a great woman be so uncaring!"

Dennis, this is where YOU & your wife MUST adjust YOUR thinking.

Your MOM "IS NOT" being uncaring - - her brain is BROKEN - - the previous connections ARE NOT THERE all the time - - AND your mom CAN'T HELP IT.

In some ways, she's NOT your mom any longer - - she may LOOK the same, but it's NOT HER...

One of the real sadnesses of this dis-ease is when they have LUCID MOMENTS - - then we can fall into the trap of thinking, believing and/or hoping that the condition will stabilize, reverse - - that the afflicted will "get better". Not gonna happen.

As caretakers of our LO's, we have to be brutally honest with ourselves - - there's only same, worse or "worse-er" and WE have to learn to atribute their behaviors to a different set of definitions.

Your mother's brain in NOW incapable of so-called "inappropriate behavior." She, no doubt, has no idea that her mind is acting this way. Letting mom "get away" with a failing brain? There is no such thing.

My aunt would no longer hug her own sisters yet would greet her brother happily. It is not intentional by the lady you knew as your mother. It is a part of the disease - she would be heartbroken if she only understood what she was doing. My aunt was a very proper lady - yet this disease had her hitching up her skirt publicly for a good scratch “down below” which my aunt would have been mortified about if she were aware.

Accept the new person your mother is slowly becoming without her consent, and remember the wonderful hugger she was by giving your wife the hug she would have had on your mother’s behalf.

The advice below re power of attorney is highly valid - without that you’ll need to go through the courts and get permission for every little thing. There are 2 parts, health and finance.

Your wife sounds like a kind kind hearted person - I got used to being called “the chauffeur” instead of my name and no hugs etc. Just enjoy trying to help her retain memories or create happy times now. Laughter is a wonderful medicine. My philosophy was to do what was needed whilst seeing how many times I could get a smile or laugh from my elderly family I cared for no matter how their personality changed.

One aspect of forgetting you never ever run out of topics - and if they repeat a question, as one of mine did, every other question was “and how are you?” I found that by always having to give a truthful yet different answer each time set me a challenge. Rather than, as many did, get frustrated at a repeated question that I knew, as far as the person was aware, it was the first time they had asked, each time. Yes I counted once -22 times in one visit !

Another forgot how to boil potatoes, I went in and realised they had turned the gas on before coming to ask and had to stop them from putting the light on....

Its a hard disease for carers if they don’t have understanding of the disease, compassion for the sufferer, acceptance that their loved one is hidden and can be coaxed into reappearance at times with memories, at least in the early stages, and a healthy dose of humour.

I hope you find a way forward together

I deal with this and have for many years. The question is.. Is it the dementia or Mother being mean to manipulate the situation?? That is the tough one.
Having lived with a Mother In Law who has trated me terribly for many years and my wife frankly tolerating it. This gave mt MIL license to continue. It is CRITICAL that your Mother see the two of you are a commited team. It is the ONLY way to slow it down. There will be a time when the Mother wont know what she is doing and at that pint you will have to find some way to deal with it. BUT until then I urge to make it clear to your Mother ANY negative treatement of your wife will not be tolerated. Unfortunatly this type of abuse WILL cause permanent damage to your marriage up to and including divorce.You have to decide whos "feeling" are important here. If your thinking to your self your Mothers feelings are more important to you than your wifes then your marriage is dead. THis is why every shrink, Minister, priest etc says you MUST put the needs of the marriage first. Your Mother will be long gone but the pain your wife has had to endure Will NOT go away. The worst case is you worry about your Mother and not your wife. Your wife finally cannot tolerate it she leaves then your Mother dies and your alone. I can assure you this can and will happen it is what I am living with. It is all about priorities.

You have gotten a lot of good answers. My MIL has never been nice to me and Dementia/Alzheimer’s have just taken away any last hostages of a filter. So I support my husband in his care of them. I do a lot of the behind the scenes work, because if she thought any of his thoughtful gifts or care was at my behest, she would summarily dismiss it. I’m OK with it. I’m not doing it for her, I’m doing it for my husband, my FIL, my BIL and ultimately as an act of honor to the Lord.
One book that was more helpful to my Husband and his brother than “The 36 Hr Day” was a book called “When Reasoning No Longer Works”. It’s told in a narrative style and was not very long but VERY insightful. It’s available as an E-read also. I highly recommend it. https://www.google.com/search?q=when+reasoning+no+longer+works&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari

Ok. Let's review.
If she in fact does have dementia, (sounds like she does but your statement says "appears to be.")
If she has dementia, her brain is slowly permanently breaking. Addressing issues and hoping for your loved one to correct her behavior might or eventually will not work anymore. Her behavior is common for a dementia patient.

It's a good thing your wife is still forgiving her because shes not doing this on purpose and can no longer control the dementia behaviors. The part of her brain that controls acceptable polite behavior is being destroyed by the dementia.
Dementia is NOT just about memory loss.
The best way I've found to describe it Is like a car falling apart. Brain = engine, all other parts=rest of body. Parts keep breaking. As each piece breaks the car slowly stops working correctly or at all.

At first you don't notice anything. Next it runs funny, you notice but let it pass with little thought. Eventually it's running but you better take it in to be checked (sounds like your at this point) Now enough parts have broken theres Deffinately something wrong and you need help from a mechanic. (Assisted living) Lastly the car can no longer run. It gets parked and gone because theres no hope of it being what it once was. (Nursing home and passing phase)
Unlike the car our brains dont have parts that can be replaced. The dementia patient just keeps rolling along with the brain breaking piece by piece. Parts are breaking but the car keeps running all be it rough. The ac no longer works, radio shuts down, wipers are working at random, it backfires, etc. If engine (brain) cant run right the rest of the car cant work right either. Hope that makes sense.

I very strongly recommend you and your wife first get her in for a diagnosis. Could be something as simple as UT infection or vitamin deficiency.
Next if dementia, you and your wife need to learn everything you can about this disease, fast.
This is a VERY UGLY NASTY LONG, HEARTBREAKING disease for patient and family! Physically, mentally and emotionally. You do Not want surprises with this!

Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. She is an excellent speaker teacher and advocate on working with dementia patient's. I So wish someone had told me about her in the beginning. OMG WHAT A DIFFERENCE THAT WOULD HAVE MADE.
Read the 36 hour day.

You and your wife have MUCH bigger things to worry about than misbehaving and your wife being upset. Do you have power of attorney? Get it! Do you have plans on what to do when you can no longer take care of her?
Do you have help and a support system ready for when not if but when you need it. Do you have release of information papers signed at all of her physicians? Get it if you dont have power of attorney.
Sorry don't mean to minimize your wife's concerns but Moms in trouble and the focus needs to be on her and will be for quite a long time.
Good luck now start watching Teepa!
Hugs!

Your mother can not control her dementia. Its not her fault. She doesn't even realize she is doing this to anyone never mind your wife.
I know its hard to turn the other cheek when she begins to act
in that way. There is really not many options you have. Ignore,
talk to her about it, or forgive and forget.

as time goes on the dementia begins to take over the mind of the
loved one. I had two people, saying very hateful things to me at the same time. yes, its painful at first, but I realized they can not control the disease and I ignored the remarks.
both my parents had dementia and it was very hard to go from room to room listening to nasty remarks on and off day and night.
when I knew the mood was changing for them I simply left the room. this way there was no fighting, yelling or painful memories.
For me when I put my head on the pillow at the end of a long day and sometimes night, I focused on the good conversations we had that day, or the funny things they said, or did that made me laugh.
i am sorry to say that this is the beginning of the end and you should enjoy the talks, laughter and conversations you have with them and push aside the negative.. the negative will disappear but the memories of the loved one will not...........

Dementia causes the normal "social controls" to break down. This is a phase that she is going through. It will pass when she enters another phase.

However, you CAN ask your mother why she is acting that way - and see what she says. She may not even be aware that her behavior has changed.

My mother has never been a nice person. Verbally abusive my entire life but it became more cruel and hateful after she stared with dementia. Her neurologist’s advice was change the subject ,the more agitated they get the meaner they get( at least my mother) and it seems to feed even more anger. You need to stop the cycle . The dr.’s advice was if you can’t change the subject, make sure they are safe and leave. You can’t change their delusions. Maybe reintroduce your wife every time, stressing she’s her dil, you are her son but you aren’t going to be able to change it if she’s delusional. ( they can get really odd delusions, my mother is obsessed with theft of things like socks and old clothes, birds she claims grow out of the cat litter box and fight under her bed all night and some man who lives in the crack under her door and washes his car in her shower)
I'm sure it is hurtful and in your case it’s the disease process. But in my case the abuse is bad enough ( and I know stems in part from her narcissism, she still lies and manipulates along with the delusions, so far the narcissism is still in charge) I don’t go around her any longer. It’s a matter of self preservation. You can’t change the situation, to a degree you can try to change how you react but your wife’s feelings matter too, if it’s too painful, stay away. She can do things like make phone calls, order what she needs online etc if she want to help in her care. Maybe she can send cards or gifts . Maybe she’ll attach the name to a memory of someone she lived if she doesn’t see the face. I did that for the last 6 months until my narcissistic sister made that impossible. (🙄🙄🙄) Now I just stay away .

You can do nothing. Your wife can do something about it. She can lower her expectations of what warmth she may receive from your mother or avoid further interactions with her.

Sometimes dementia makes people lose their inhibitions or the need to keep societal niceties. One may get to see the real nature of a person, since they no longer mask their inner feelings. In your mother mind, your wife may be the person, who stole you away from her. What can you do about it...nothing. Your mother is way beyond understanding societal norms or logical reasoning. Expect the situation to turn worse not better...just keep your wife out of it!

i have seen elders start to see their spouse when they look at their own children. She could see you as her husband or boyfriend and your wife as the "other woman."

I get so terribly upset when I see people getting dementia and how their horrible behavior affects their families and caretakers. I look at this differently - been there, done that as they say. I had a very dear elderly friend who was like a mother to me and we had a deep love for one another. Not a living soul in her family lifted hand to take care of her. When I was able to find a good caretaker, I hire them as I had to work full time, long hours and was constantly exhausted and newly married. But none of them stayed very long or there were other problems. So her care fell on my shoulders. I did it out of love and kindness when others would have long since gone. Every so often she would get downright rude and nasty and after nicely telling her to stop (she had no reason to complain or cause trouble), I would get firm and strongly tell her to stop. If it got to the point where I was about to explode from nerves and exhaustion and she would not stop, I would go out of her apartment and slam the door so the building shook - I had to do this for my mental sanity as I had a lot of responsibilities of my own and working full time. I did not call her or go back to see her for maybe several days until she called me and begged me to come back. I would tell her if she was not on her bad behavior, I'd be back. She was still able to eat and do the most basic things. Perhaps this is wrong to many but mentally harmed people do not, and will never understand "NICE, NICE". Sometimes fear and threat of harm of something else will knock sense into them so you can cope. It always worked with her and I took care of her for 28 years until she died at age 98. These people were once loving, sweet people but now they are not and you have to face the fact they are not who they once were. So, if you want to save your own sanity and not be destroyed, you must get very, very tough. I am human and could take just so much before I exploded. And, if things get too rough, you have no choice but to remove them from your surroundings and put them somewhere. God help you if you don't.

Your wife is going to have to accept the changes that are beyond your mother's control. You/she cannot fix mom's broken brain. You cannot get her to understand what she doesn't even understand. Tell wife to read up on behavior changes with this illness and, basically, grow a tougher hide. Yes, it's hard, but you will both be butting heads into a brick wall if you think you can change the course of the illness. Some get mean and some get overly nice and no one gets to pick what you get.

The good news is that this is probably s phase that will change. My husband went thru an awful phase, even called our family attorney and asked to start divorce proceedings! Thank goddess for all of us that phase only last for about 3 mo. Now he is content, cooperative, sweet and smiles at everything....I’m waiting for the next phase. There is no reasoning with them, so don’t even try. These 2 books gave me the most info and comfort: My 2 Elaine’s and Creating moments of joy.

It is hard to witness behaviorial changes in a loved one. It is also difficult to be the target of negative behaviors. Addressing directly probably not change it since your mother due to the dementia is not aware of it. If changing the subject does not work, perhaps your wife taking a break from the situation is in order. A brief break may be enough of a distraction to break her thoughts, and give your wife time to regroup.

Your mother can’t control it - you can only ever control your own response. Husband with early on-set went through a stage of calling me awful names, words he would never have said. Trying to find out what’s behind it sometimes helps. Doing something silly to redirect some times helps. Asking for help with emotion in my voice (Can you help me?) usually will get him out of whatever mood he’s in and able to redirect him. Sometimes I couldn’t help it and burst into tears - and the emotion made him stop and want to comfort me. However, the memory of him hurting my feelings stuck with him for a while (although he didn’t know what he did) and I always felt bad.
Your mom probably has underlying anxiety about what’s happening. Medication did help my husband with this and helped to stabilize mood. Good luck.

As the wife of someone caring for his dad with mild dementia, I can put myself into your wife's shoes. My FIL is difficult for me to be around because he is severely depressed, highly anxious, noncompliant with his Zoloft and Xanax, and very negative. I have cut back on my visits and their duration because I found myself feeling so sad and crying.

Allow your wife to remain involved in your mother's life in a way that's not sad and painful for her. Ask your wife to do things behind the scenes that are helpful for you. For example, enlist the help of your wife to find an assisted living community for your mother. Your wife could begin the lengthy process, tour communities herself, and narrow down choices. Once she's found good candidates, tour them with your wife. Once you have your #1 community, make an appointment for your mother to get the grand tour and only you escort her. Directors of ALs are great at working with old people and are far more objective than those of us who are just too close to the situation.

A good reference book for dealing with and understanding elders with dementia and other mind issues of the elderly is THE 36 HOUR DAY by Nancy L. Mace, MA and Peter V. Rabins, MD, MPH. It is a reference book and does not need to be read cover to cover so don’t be alarmed when you see how many pages it is. This book helped me when my formerly nice mother was being so mean to me. So sorry you have to go through this. It is awful.

My mother has become racist, homophobic, and often vicious in the last year, and there's nothing I can do about it. When she tries to tell me about articles in the paper that offend and/or confuse her, because they discuss a "queer voice" or "African-American perspective," I tell her no, I won't listen to bigotry. She still makes snide comments about people's weight, including mine. It is hard to ignore the criticism of the person you care for all day, but you have to learn how to tune a lot of it out or you won't survive.

You can not "correct" the behavior of a person with Dementia.
You can only "correct" your reaction to it.
Is there some other greeting that your mom would use?
It might not be long before your mom stops hugging other people as well. and you should just let this go as well.
Even if your mom does not hug back will she accept a hug from your wife?
I think it was 6 years prior to my Husbands death that he last hugged me. And that hurt. But he would give me a kiss hello, a kiss good bye when I left the house and when I returned. He would hold my hand still but no hugs.

"We" are now teaching children not to be forced into giving someone a hug if they feel uncomfortable. I think the same should hold for any adult that feel uncomfortable with a hug, a kiss or even a handshake. I know lots of people that will not shake hands. They do a fist bump.

The other side to this coin is a dementia patient that becomes very sexual and that brings up a whole 'nuther group of problems.