My mother with early dementia is treating my wife poorly at times. How do we address this?

Have you tried asking your mom if she is upset with your wife? I would just approach it as, "mom I noticed that you are not hugging DW and I was wondering if everything is all good?"

If it is the dementia, she probably won't have a clue. Which if frustrating because we like to know what is going on.

Encourage your wife to do some research on dementia and the behaviors that you can expect, it will help her understand that it is nothing personal and she won't feel as hurt. I know that when a great hugger stops hugging you it is a loss and she is justified in a few tears, grieving for that loss. You will all find that you are loosing your mom one brain cell at a time and that is why it is called the long goodbye. You loose parts and pieces of your loved one everyday it seems and you grieve those changes as they happen, it is a gut wrenching journey for everyone.

I am sorry that your wife seems to be the 1st one and that your family is facing this. Give your wife a hug and this website. It will help her find peace with her new roll.

Why is crying not the correct response? It hurts.
But no one is at fault. And no one can fix this. It is, as we on the forum always say, not your mom speaking now, it is the disease.
What you need to do now is accept that. Don't pretend it doesn't hurt. Don't pretend it is not worth crying over. Go ahead. Weep. It clears the head, it washes out the soul.
No, you don't address a broken mind. It is broken. It cannot be helped. There are currently no answers for it. What you DO do is sit together and discuss together what you each are capable of doing moving forward for Mom, for you are losing the person you knew before your eyes, and you will be left with a diagnosis that looks a lot like your Mom used to look. And you will still have to function best you can in her protection without breaking both yourselves and your marriage.
So there is no option but to accept. If anyone needs help then seek it with a licensed social worker trained in dealing with life changes. Talk together. Accept your honest reactions to pain. The honest reaction to pain is to cry.
Next, sit together and discuss what you each are willing to do moving forward, what if and when. DO NOT attempt to take on the 24/7 care of this woman, as that is what will soon be needed if it is not now. Live your lives the best you can, being the good and decent people you are in the midst of a terrible terrible disease.
So sorry for all the pain. Be easy on yourselves. Be gentle on yourselves. Recognize your limitation.

None of us really know for sure what happens in the mind of someone suffering from dementia, and although there is increasing research, the ramblings of the healthy mind should indicate how tragically the inexplicably damaged mind must search in vain for the information and connections that served it well in its healthy past.

What I have done for years, and what has always served me when dealing with those whom I loved so dearly when they were well, is IGNORE, and if this fails, to continue to ignore.

Your dear mother’s brain is now broken beyond repair, and I know of no test that can reveal a single strategy for reclaiming what was lost. You see her lack of hugging as something she somehow chooses as a reaction to your wife.

If that were so, there would be specific strategies for you to employ to remind her of the kindness and comradeship she experienced with her DDIL in the past. Sadly, it is not so.

”Forgiving” her is important for your wife.

“Ignoring” your mother’s negative conduct is a gift that you may choose, if you decide to, to give to your mother. As the disease process continues, she may treat your wife more warmly, or perhaps not. But in loving her, you must address her just as she is.

This is a disease of tragedy and generosity and loss and compassion. Most of us here are veterans in this war. and we understand how you’re feeling.

There is no rhyme or reason to this desease. Telling Mom she hurt ur wifes fillings probably will be forgot in a few minutes or the next day. Your Mom is entering her own little world. The brain is undergoing changes. Right now ur Mom may see ur wife as a threat. They cling to the one they know, their child. I found my Mom lost her reasoning. Then her ability to process. We had a friend put in a walk in shower for her. He was so happy with the result but Mom acted like she didn't realize it was for her.

I agree u and wife need to get more info on this disease. Call ur local hospital and see if they provide Seminars. One of our local ALs does and all r welcome. There is a video on utube under Alzhemers. Look for the yellow brain. It is about ALZ but my Moms Dementia followed it pretty closely.

Your Moms brain is dying. She cannot be held responsible for what she says or thinks.

Your wife has done nothing to offend your mother. Make it clear to your wife that this is so, and that her being excluded from your mother's embraces is the result of one filter or another gone missing, or one connection or another misfiring.

But your wife is still responding appropriately by being sad. God knows, this is sad. It would be a good idea to read up on dementia, especially its more challenging aspects, and prepare.

What you need to drop immediately and forever is that idea of correcting your mother's "poor" behaviour. She's not "getting away" with anything. Her brain is disintegrating. Respond to incidents like this in sorrow and not in anger. Don't rebuke her or challenge her - go round the problem.

One way to look at it is to imagine what your "real" mother's feelings would be about the way she is behaving now that she's lost her internal guide, and remember that the real person is not like this.

If it gets much worse - I hope it won't, but it may - then support your wife in putting boundaries in place so that she isn't forced into painful or humiliating encounters. For example, if your mother begins to make unkind personal remarks - again, I HOPE this won't happen, it's just an example - then it needs to be fine for your wife to avoid being out with her in public, or to leave the room, or to do whatever she needs to do not to have to listen to that kind of thing. You can't change your mother's behaviour, but that doesn't mean your wife just has to suck it up.

Dennis, just a thought, maybe your Mom could be dealing with an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can cause all types of strange behaviors in us seniors. It is really worth having Mom tested, and if it is an UTI, that can be cleared with antibiotics. If the behavior remains afterwards, then you know for sure that it is the broken brain reacting.

You may not be able to change any of mom's behavior--but remind your wife that she did, at one time, have a sweet relationship with your mother and nothing can take away from that.

My MIL has hated me and has been verbal with this since before DH and I got married. I thought time would soften her. Nope, It has gotten so bad I cannot even be in the same room with her--she'll start in on me. (Early dementia now, so she doesn't even have a filter left to keep her from saying nasty things to me in front of anyone).

Your wife DID have a good relationship. She needs to hang on to that. And if she needs to cry, to mourn the loss of that, let her. It's OK to feel bad when sad things happen.

It is hard when they become nasty and you begin to not know them. One thing is for sure, your mother can't and won't change. You just have to know that they don't mean it and it isn't her anymore. It may be easier to tolerate.

Caring replies from the veteran caregivers her, so I will simply recommend reading...like The 36 Hour Day......and the library of posts and replies on the wonderful forum. Knowledge and compassion are incredible tools to have on this journey.

Treat your wife with something special each time she goes through a bad experience. When I would be having a bad time with my mom, I would concentrate on how I would treat myself later. A small
celebration of getting through a difficult situation. A little time to cruise through the bath aisle at the drug store. Some moisturizing cream in a floral fragrance. A cappuccino with whip cream from Wawa.

You do not address your mom's behavior. You may find it helpful to find a caregiver support group. Realize that dementia causes all sorts of unusual behavior and it really has nothing to do with your wife. Being associated with someone with dementia requires very thick skin.

In the future wait for mom to make the first move to hug, not your wife. Dementia requires a whole new set of rules.

Alzheimer's dementia is kind of like living in reverse. Sufferers have difficulty retaining current information and start living on prior knowledge/memories. It seems your wife reminds mom of somebody who she had difficulty with in the past - so much so that she is now venting dormant feelings of hostility and hurt from "that relationship". Knowing this may never change the way mom is acting, but your wife can see that the actions are not directed at her but a hurtful relationship with a female in the past. As the son, you might be able to get mom to open up about what is bothering her. Another tactic is to divert mom to other ways of connecting.

My gram had some dementia and would get into a "do loop" about my grandpa and his brother having disagreements in their business. Gramps chose to sell his portion of the business to his brother, but there were a lot of hard feelings afterward. Of course, Gram took her husband's side and would get into snit fits about Uncle W. I would divert her attention to the last time she saw Uncle W and his family and the changes. I talked and prayed with her about forgiveness. Then, I reminded her that wee had chosen to "forgive" this situation and would change the subject. She eventually let go of this memory and moved onto talking about her childhood friends.

Praying and hoping that your mom will let go of this painful memory and move to more pleasant behavior in the future. If mom becomes agitated, lashes out in frustration or anger... you need to talk to her doctor about medications to help mom relax more and/or antidepressants or mood enhancers to help lift her out of anger.

You can not "correct" the behavior of a person with Dementia.
You can only "correct" your reaction to it.
Is there some other greeting that your mom would use?
It might not be long before your mom stops hugging other people as well. and you should just let this go as well.
Even if your mom does not hug back will she accept a hug from your wife?
I think it was 6 years prior to my Husbands death that he last hugged me. And that hurt. But he would give me a kiss hello, a kiss good bye when I left the house and when I returned. He would hold my hand still but no hugs.

"We" are now teaching children not to be forced into giving someone a hug if they feel uncomfortable. I think the same should hold for any adult that feel uncomfortable with a hug, a kiss or even a handshake. I know lots of people that will not shake hands. They do a fist bump.

The other side to this coin is a dementia patient that becomes very sexual and that brings up a whole 'nuther group of problems.

My mother has become racist, homophobic, and often vicious in the last year, and there's nothing I can do about it. When she tries to tell me about articles in the paper that offend and/or confuse her, because they discuss a "queer voice" or "African-American perspective," I tell her no, I won't listen to bigotry. She still makes snide comments about people's weight, including mine. It is hard to ignore the criticism of the person you care for all day, but you have to learn how to tune a lot of it out or you won't survive.

A good reference book for dealing with and understanding elders with dementia and other mind issues of the elderly is THE 36 HOUR DAY by Nancy L. Mace, MA and Peter V. Rabins, MD, MPH. It is a reference book and does not need to be read cover to cover so don’t be alarmed when you see how many pages it is. This book helped me when my formerly nice mother was being so mean to me. So sorry you have to go through this. It is awful.

As the wife of someone caring for his dad with mild dementia, I can put myself into your wife's shoes. My FIL is difficult for me to be around because he is severely depressed, highly anxious, noncompliant with his Zoloft and Xanax, and very negative. I have cut back on my visits and their duration because I found myself feeling so sad and crying.

Allow your wife to remain involved in your mother's life in a way that's not sad and painful for her. Ask your wife to do things behind the scenes that are helpful for you. For example, enlist the help of your wife to find an assisted living community for your mother. Your wife could begin the lengthy process, tour communities herself, and narrow down choices. Once she's found good candidates, tour them with your wife. Once you have your #1 community, make an appointment for your mother to get the grand tour and only you escort her. Directors of ALs are great at working with old people and are far more objective than those of us who are just too close to the situation.

Your mother can’t control it - you can only ever control your own response. Husband with early on-set went through a stage of calling me awful names, words he would never have said. Trying to find out what’s behind it sometimes helps. Doing something silly to redirect some times helps. Asking for help with emotion in my voice (Can you help me?) usually will get him out of whatever mood he’s in and able to redirect him. Sometimes I couldn’t help it and burst into tears - and the emotion made him stop and want to comfort me. However, the memory of him hurting my feelings stuck with him for a while (although he didn’t know what he did) and I always felt bad.
Your mom probably has underlying anxiety about what’s happening. Medication did help my husband with this and helped to stabilize mood. Good luck.

It is hard to witness behaviorial changes in a loved one. It is also difficult to be the target of negative behaviors. Addressing directly probably not change it since your mother due to the dementia is not aware of it. If changing the subject does not work, perhaps your wife taking a break from the situation is in order. A brief break may be enough of a distraction to break her thoughts, and give your wife time to regroup.

The good news is that this is probably s phase that will change. My husband went thru an awful phase, even called our family attorney and asked to start divorce proceedings! Thank goddess for all of us that phase only last for about 3 mo. Now he is content, cooperative, sweet and smiles at everything....I’m waiting for the next phase. There is no reasoning with them, so don’t even try. These 2 books gave me the most info and comfort: My 2 Elaine’s and Creating moments of joy.

Your wife is going to have to accept the changes that are beyond your mother's control. You/she cannot fix mom's broken brain. You cannot get her to understand what she doesn't even understand. Tell wife to read up on behavior changes with this illness and, basically, grow a tougher hide. Yes, it's hard, but you will both be butting heads into a brick wall if you think you can change the course of the illness. Some get mean and some get overly nice and no one gets to pick what you get.

I get so terribly upset when I see people getting dementia and how their horrible behavior affects their families and caretakers. I look at this differently - been there, done that as they say. I had a very dear elderly friend who was like a mother to me and we had a deep love for one another. Not a living soul in her family lifted hand to take care of her. When I was able to find a good caretaker, I hire them as I had to work full time, long hours and was constantly exhausted and newly married. But none of them stayed very long or there were other problems. So her care fell on my shoulders. I did it out of love and kindness when others would have long since gone. Every so often she would get downright rude and nasty and after nicely telling her to stop (she had no reason to complain or cause trouble), I would get firm and strongly tell her to stop. If it got to the point where I was about to explode from nerves and exhaustion and she would not stop, I would go out of her apartment and slam the door so the building shook - I had to do this for my mental sanity as I had a lot of responsibilities of my own and working full time. I did not call her or go back to see her for maybe several days until she called me and begged me to come back. I would tell her if she was not on her bad behavior, I'd be back. She was still able to eat and do the most basic things. Perhaps this is wrong to many but mentally harmed people do not, and will never understand "NICE, NICE". Sometimes fear and threat of harm of something else will knock sense into them so you can cope. It always worked with her and I took care of her for 28 years until she died at age 98. These people were once loving, sweet people but now they are not and you have to face the fact they are not who they once were. So, if you want to save your own sanity and not be destroyed, you must get very, very tough. I am human and could take just so much before I exploded. And, if things get too rough, you have no choice but to remove them from your surroundings and put them somewhere. God help you if you don't.

i have seen elders start to see their spouse when they look at their own children. She could see you as her husband or boyfriend and your wife as the "other woman."

You can do nothing. Your wife can do something about it. She can lower her expectations of what warmth she may receive from your mother or avoid further interactions with her.

Sometimes dementia makes people lose their inhibitions or the need to keep societal niceties. One may get to see the real nature of a person, since they no longer mask their inner feelings. In your mother mind, your wife may be the person, who stole you away from her. What can you do about it...nothing. Your mother is way beyond understanding societal norms or logical reasoning. Expect the situation to turn worse not better...just keep your wife out of it!

My mother has never been a nice person. Verbally abusive my entire life but it became more cruel and hateful after she stared with dementia. Her neurologist’s advice was change the subject ,the more agitated they get the meaner they get( at least my mother) and it seems to feed even more anger. You need to stop the cycle . The dr.’s advice was if you can’t change the subject, make sure they are safe and leave. You can’t change their delusions. Maybe reintroduce your wife every time, stressing she’s her dil, you are her son but you aren’t going to be able to change it if she’s delusional. ( they can get really odd delusions, my mother is obsessed with theft of things like socks and old clothes, birds she claims grow out of the cat litter box and fight under her bed all night and some man who lives in the crack under her door and washes his car in her shower)
I'm sure it is hurtful and in your case it’s the disease process. But in my case the abuse is bad enough ( and I know stems in part from her narcissism, she still lies and manipulates along with the delusions, so far the narcissism is still in charge) I don’t go around her any longer. It’s a matter of self preservation. You can’t change the situation, to a degree you can try to change how you react but your wife’s feelings matter too, if it’s too painful, stay away. She can do things like make phone calls, order what she needs online etc if she want to help in her care. Maybe she can send cards or gifts . Maybe she’ll attach the name to a memory of someone she lived if she doesn’t see the face. I did that for the last 6 months until my narcissistic sister made that impossible. (🙄🙄🙄) Now I just stay away .

Dementia causes the normal "social controls" to break down. This is a phase that she is going through. It will pass when she enters another phase.

However, you CAN ask your mother why she is acting that way - and see what she says. She may not even be aware that her behavior has changed.

Your mother can not control her dementia. Its not her fault. She doesn't even realize she is doing this to anyone never mind your wife.
I know its hard to turn the other cheek when she begins to act
in that way. There is really not many options you have. Ignore,
talk to her about it, or forgive and forget.

as time goes on the dementia begins to take over the mind of the
loved one. I had two people, saying very hateful things to me at the same time. yes, its painful at first, but I realized they can not control the disease and I ignored the remarks.
both my parents had dementia and it was very hard to go from room to room listening to nasty remarks on and off day and night.
when I knew the mood was changing for them I simply left the room. this way there was no fighting, yelling or painful memories.
For me when I put my head on the pillow at the end of a long day and sometimes night, I focused on the good conversations we had that day, or the funny things they said, or did that made me laugh.
i am sorry to say that this is the beginning of the end and you should enjoy the talks, laughter and conversations you have with them and push aside the negative.. the negative will disappear but the memories of the loved one will not...........

Ok. Let's review.
If she in fact does have dementia, (sounds like she does but your statement says "appears to be.")
If she has dementia, her brain is slowly permanently breaking. Addressing issues and hoping for your loved one to correct her behavior might or eventually will not work anymore. Her behavior is common for a dementia patient.

It's a good thing your wife is still forgiving her because shes not doing this on purpose and can no longer control the dementia behaviors. The part of her brain that controls acceptable polite behavior is being destroyed by the dementia.
Dementia is NOT just about memory loss.
The best way I've found to describe it Is like a car falling apart. Brain = engine, all other parts=rest of body. Parts keep breaking. As each piece breaks the car slowly stops working correctly or at all.

At first you don't notice anything. Next it runs funny, you notice but let it pass with little thought. Eventually it's running but you better take it in to be checked (sounds like your at this point) Now enough parts have broken theres Deffinately something wrong and you need help from a mechanic. (Assisted living) Lastly the car can no longer run. It gets parked and gone because theres no hope of it being what it once was. (Nursing home and passing phase)
Unlike the car our brains dont have parts that can be replaced. The dementia patient just keeps rolling along with the brain breaking piece by piece. Parts are breaking but the car keeps running all be it rough. The ac no longer works, radio shuts down, wipers are working at random, it backfires, etc. If engine (brain) cant run right the rest of the car cant work right either. Hope that makes sense.

I very strongly recommend you and your wife first get her in for a diagnosis. Could be something as simple as UT infection or vitamin deficiency.
Next if dementia, you and your wife need to learn everything you can about this disease, fast.
This is a VERY UGLY NASTY LONG, HEARTBREAKING disease for patient and family! Physically, mentally and emotionally. You do Not want surprises with this!

Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. She is an excellent speaker teacher and advocate on working with dementia patient's. I So wish someone had told me about her in the beginning. OMG WHAT A DIFFERENCE THAT WOULD HAVE MADE.
Read the 36 hour day.

You and your wife have MUCH bigger things to worry about than misbehaving and your wife being upset. Do you have power of attorney? Get it! Do you have plans on what to do when you can no longer take care of her?
Do you have help and a support system ready for when not if but when you need it. Do you have release of information papers signed at all of her physicians? Get it if you dont have power of attorney.
Sorry don't mean to minimize your wife's concerns but Moms in trouble and the focus needs to be on her and will be for quite a long time.
Good luck now start watching Teepa!
Hugs!

You have gotten a lot of good answers. My MIL has never been nice to me and Dementia/Alzheimer’s have just taken away any last hostages of a filter. So I support my husband in his care of them. I do a lot of the behind the scenes work, because if she thought any of his thoughtful gifts or care was at my behest, she would summarily dismiss it. I’m OK with it. I’m not doing it for her, I’m doing it for my husband, my FIL, my BIL and ultimately as an act of honor to the Lord.
One book that was more helpful to my Husband and his brother than “The 36 Hr Day” was a book called “When Reasoning No Longer Works”. It’s told in a narrative style and was not very long but VERY insightful. It’s available as an E-read also. I highly recommend it. https://www.google.com/search?q=when+reasoning+no+longer+works&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari

I deal with this and have for many years. The question is.. Is it the dementia or Mother being mean to manipulate the situation?? That is the tough one.
Having lived with a Mother In Law who has trated me terribly for many years and my wife frankly tolerating it. This gave mt MIL license to continue. It is CRITICAL that your Mother see the two of you are a commited team. It is the ONLY way to slow it down. There will be a time when the Mother wont know what she is doing and at that pint you will have to find some way to deal with it. BUT until then I urge to make it clear to your Mother ANY negative treatement of your wife will not be tolerated. Unfortunatly this type of abuse WILL cause permanent damage to your marriage up to and including divorce.You have to decide whos "feeling" are important here. If your thinking to your self your Mothers feelings are more important to you than your wifes then your marriage is dead. THis is why every shrink, Minister, priest etc says you MUST put the needs of the marriage first. Your Mother will be long gone but the pain your wife has had to endure Will NOT go away. The worst case is you worry about your Mother and not your wife. Your wife finally cannot tolerate it she leaves then your Mother dies and your alone. I can assure you this can and will happen it is what I am living with. It is all about priorities.

My aunt would no longer hug her own sisters yet would greet her brother happily. It is not intentional by the lady you knew as your mother. It is a part of the disease - she would be heartbroken if she only understood what she was doing. My aunt was a very proper lady - yet this disease had her hitching up her skirt publicly for a good scratch “down below” which my aunt would have been mortified about if she were aware.

Accept the new person your mother is slowly becoming without her consent, and remember the wonderful hugger she was by giving your wife the hug she would have had on your mother’s behalf.

The advice below re power of attorney is highly valid - without that you’ll need to go through the courts and get permission for every little thing. There are 2 parts, health and finance.

Your wife sounds like a kind kind hearted person - I got used to being called “the chauffeur” instead of my name and no hugs etc. Just enjoy trying to help her retain memories or create happy times now. Laughter is a wonderful medicine. My philosophy was to do what was needed whilst seeing how many times I could get a smile or laugh from my elderly family I cared for no matter how their personality changed.

One aspect of forgetting you never ever run out of topics - and if they repeat a question, as one of mine did, every other question was “and how are you?” I found that by always having to give a truthful yet different answer each time set me a challenge. Rather than, as many did, get frustrated at a repeated question that I knew, as far as the person was aware, it was the first time they had asked, each time. Yes I counted once -22 times in one visit !

Another forgot how to boil potatoes, I went in and realised they had turned the gas on before coming to ask and had to stop them from putting the light on....

Its a hard disease for carers if they don’t have understanding of the disease, compassion for the sufferer, acceptance that their loved one is hidden and can be coaxed into reappearance at times with memories, at least in the early stages, and a healthy dose of humour.

I hope you find a way forward together