My mother with early dementia is treating my wife poorly at times. How do we address this?

Your mother's brain in NOW incapable of so-called "inappropriate behavior." She, no doubt, has no idea that her mind is acting this way. Letting mom "get away" with a failing brain? There is no such thing.

Dennis said "So hard to see such a great woman be so uncaring!"

Dennis, this is where YOU & your wife MUST adjust YOUR thinking.

Your MOM "IS NOT" being uncaring - - her brain is BROKEN - - the previous connections ARE NOT THERE all the time - - AND your mom CAN'T HELP IT.

In some ways, she's NOT your mom any longer - - she may LOOK the same, but it's NOT HER...

One of the real sadnesses of this dis-ease is when they have LUCID MOMENTS - - then we can fall into the trap of thinking, believing and/or hoping that the condition will stabilize, reverse - - that the afflicted will "get better". Not gonna happen.

As caretakers of our LO's, we have to be brutally honest with ourselves - - there's only same, worse or "worse-er" and WE have to learn to atribute their behaviors to a different set of definitions.

it is a grieving you and your wife have now that your mother is different. It is the disease, not behavior management issue.
Your wife can not live for your mother's approval or acknowledgements now. That woman is gone. She needs to see her as a patient and just try to be patient and friendly, but it is not her mother in law anymore.
Someone with Dementia has pieces of memory and it is scary. She may know you and not your wife now. My husband's great grandma knew her son in law and not her own sister. She greeted her son in law so warmly by name and her sister said years later how "my own sister didnt even know me".
That is hard to come to terms with. Same body/different mind.
Hope you can find supportive people to help you learn more.

I encourage you to watch Teepa Snow on you tube discuss dementia and all that goes along with. The hurtful words are explained. It’s very helpful!

This happened with my Mom. It could be that she is thinking of you as more than a son, perhaps her husband instead. I know it sounds weird but it could be that she is jealous and confused as to why your wife is there in the first place. Three is a crowd. I had to get my Mom out of the house because it got to a very toxic situation. Not really sure what you can do about this but it probably will not get any better. I would suggest you start looking for an alternative before it destroys your marriage.

You think that not hugging is bad behavior?!? Lol ...you better fasten your seatbelts for what else is ahead. For example, cursing, hitting, refusing to take meds, refusing to follow the simplest of instructions, falling, not being able to walk, unable to toilet herself, diaper changes in middle of night, etc ....
hugs🤗 to you all

Basically your mom wants all your attention on her & she sees your wife as a roadblock - your mom has dementia & all the govenors on her behavior & how she acts are leaving - she is doing what she sees as self preservation for her optimum life .... it may not make sense but it is true - you will look back in 5 years & see how true it is - good luck as she seems to be developing into a master manipulator

I know how much this hurts especially since your mom was a kind, loving mom & MIL for so long. Dementia is cruel. It can totally change a persons personality.
I know this will be hard to believe but your mom doesn’t even realize what’s she’s doing.

This has happened to me with my MIL & my mom as well. I always considered my MIL to be like a 2nd mother. My mom & I always had a good relationship.

When they were hit with dementia, everything changed. They were the exact opposite of the way they had been all their life.

My MIL would accuse me of stealing from her...money, jewelry and clothes. I’m a size 2...she wore a size woman’s 20! She even threatened to call the police.

My my mom wasn’t that extreme. But she would say very hurtful things to me & my dad. However it’s all so hurtful because you’re trying your best to help them.

I found that the best ways to handle theses times is to just agree, ignore or try to change the subject. Even when they would say awful things as I left each visit (which was everyday), I would just say I love you.

Its very hard. It makes no sense. You will at times think...she KNOWS what she’s doing. But the truth is...she doesn’t & unfortunately it will get worse.

Just try to keep in mind that she is now living in the moment because she’s losing her long & short term memory. Try to make moments as special as you can.

Tell your wife...it’s OK to cry. It’s actually part of a mourning process that has already started.
Prayers for you both.

It's dementia. It's the new normal. As much as the behavior seems planted in reality and seems nasty and spiteful and that she seems quite capable, it's the disease. Roll your eyes and don't dwell on it...but you can limit (or your wife should) your exposure if it is that distressing. Check in with your Alzheimer's Assn Chapter or a brain health MD for a course called the Savvy Caregiver to get a better understanding of the illness. SHe and you are not alone. There's nothing we can do, we can only change our own behavior and the way we react which is far easier said than done. My mother and I have an antagonistic relationship, always have. I left two outfits for her to pick from for a celebratory lunch out (her and dads 70th anniversary) and she comes dressed in a resale shop special. You can't and shouldn't address this directly. You'll be using energy you don't need to waste.

Hi Dennis Rice. While I do feel sad for Your Wife and You also, I feel a dreadful sadness for Your Mother tho because Life for Your Mom is over and it will never resemble Life as it used to be. You say She now has a lot of the symptoms of early dementia, which suggests Your Mother has not been diagnosed yet ? and it sounds like You are correct but You do really need to get Your Mother diagnosed by contacting Her Doctor. Demensia similar to alzheimers is other wise known as the silent thief robbing the Sufferer of memory, speach, balance, and at the end organ failure. I would suggest to limit exposing Your Wife to Your Mom, and avoid conflict with Mom because Her behaviour is not deliberate, it is a disease of the brain. Try to plan ahead eg full time Care for Your Mother etc.
Good Luck Dennis and remember to keep in contact with this wonderful Site which is a God send for all of Us Caregivers Who found Ourselves Caring 24/7 for a Loved One. I had zero help but through Aging Care I received the best Help from wonderful caring Caregivers Who encouraged me, advised me, and We shared the journey together. In short I could never have done it with out all of Them, and I will forever be thankful.

Alzheimer's is just one, albeit the most common, types of dementia. Dementia is the catch all term for memory loss. There are more than 70 types of dementia, some of them reversible. UTI's can cause dementia symptoms, so with mom it may be something as simple as that. Get her to her doc for a thorough check.

I haven't read all the comments here, so this may have been addressed already. If not, and this may sound too simplistic but: Is it possible that your mother may feel that your wife is the one being standoffish and uncaring, and she's playing off those feelings. Sometimes communication can be confusing. When you say she's uncaring, what does that mean? Mean words? Hard glares? Total avoidance? What happens when your wife tries to hug your mother? Does mom hug back, or refuse? Just ask your mother if she is angry at your wife. Or have your wife ask her. In this case, ignorance is NOT bliss.