I take care of her due to the fact no one else will! I shrink at the thought of her touching me because I know it is because I’m the only one left that will visit her! She is difficult to be around with the continuous paranoia and passive aggressive behavior. I feel trapped because in my heart of hearts I know if someone more interesting came along I would be kicked to the curb! She was never physically affectionate with me or my brother and now she wants physical affection from me and I become totally grossed out! What do I do, I feel so bad having these feelings!
I would say that you owe her nothing and for your sanity, walk away. Noone deserves to be unappreciated when they are a care giver. Call adult protective services. Tell them she needs help to arrange care for herself. They can find resources. There is no law where you have to care for her. She should have made arrangements for herself like any mature person does as they age.
If you find your mother’s request for affection repugnant, then you should distance yourself from her if you can.
When DH’s father passed in 2020, his mother wanted to move in with us. He reminded me what he said and then she tried to convince me since I was remodeling my garage. I didn’t want her in a space I planned on using and spent a lot of money on. She wouldn’t have liked it - far too much light coming in through the windows. We experienced her bad behavior over the previous years towards my dear sweet husband - threats of disinheriting, bad words, nasty comments to both of us, etc.
Once my FIL died, she changed her tune and behaved nicer but I told her she would not be able to bring her dog, would not like the rules of the house - no shopping, have to go to adult day care, have to go to the dr regularly, limited tv, no phone, It didn’t really sink in. My husband kept repeating that the dog couldn’t come with her- it was and still isn’t house trained and being a teacup size dog - impossible to train. She also doesn’t go to the doctor and turns on people in a heartbeat. We didn’t want our home destroyed.
My mil is now in assisted living 3.5 hours from here with her little dog and claims she was kidnapped into the facility. Not true. She walked in under her own power, understood why she was there (couldn’t remain at her sister’s place, didn’t want to return to her home - thought it was haunted, & wasn’t welcome at our home because of the dog and the refusal to abide by house rules).
I see an old woman who would like a good relationship with her family & be close by to them, included in holidays and events, but through mental illness and bad behavior is exiled, refuses to consider any culpability because her brain is broken and can’t be fixed. The poor dog has become her focal point and suffers from her attention (no walks, no going outside, she thinks it is dying when there is nothing wrong, etc) & she tries to use it as a ploy to leave. Soon she may end in memory care if we can get her to a neurologist. If she loses the dog, that will be the end of her.
My thou6that distance is the best thing.
'A hug we give to strangers?' You hug strangers? That's probably not a good idea.
To tell the truth, I think most people would be willing to help their parents. Maybe not living together, but helping them manage and even money assistance. What turns adult kids away from careging and helping out, is the abuse and abusive neediness that so often comes with it.
It certainly is understandable that you have these strong feelings based on how your mom interacted with you when you were younger, and perhaps, throughout your life.
I sense you need to flush out what exactly you want to do, i.e., :
1) managing that you feel bad due to the feelings you have; or
2) needing to deal with buried grief, anger, resentment over the last ??? years, since you were a child - and never really had a mother - as most of us want and most certainly deserve, a protector, someone to love us unconditionally, and care for our welfare.
3) A combination of both.
4) You need to question why you have taken on the role of caring for her now. I realize you say no one else will - is this why you are taking care of her while clenching your teeth when around her, wanting to scream and / or leave, or both.
5) It sounds to me that you do not want to be in the role you have taken on regardless of who else is or isn't available to take on these responsibilities. You may feel like you are between a 'rock and a hard place.' And, perhaps you are.
- Are you feeling guilty if you stop caring for her as you are?
- Have you researched what else is available, Medi-Cal ? Medi-caid ? Would you feel and be okay turning over her care to a state agency ?
- It sounds to me that deep down inside you want to love her and care for her and having the anger and hurt/pain in front of these deep feelings. Every child wants to have their mother care for them, and often an abused child will return to the abuser (the mother) as this is all they know. And someone is better than no one.
* I would encourage you to get some professional support to sort this out. If there is family, besides you, it is TIME that you 'put your foot down, and tell them to take some responsibility for your mom's care - and that you are stepping aside.
* Get some legal advise too.
Do not allow yourself to be 'kicked to the curb' again. You are used to being in this role as a daughter. It is time for you to say ENOUGH ... I'VE HAD ENOUGH... and be at peace when the chips fall where they may. It may not be easy however the outcome will be you learning how to love yourself, as you wanted your mom to do. While I didn't have a mother as you do, I too, had to learn to become my own mother - and give myself what my mother couldn't because she didn't get that love from her mother . . . and the pattern of behavior continues until someone YOU stop it. Learn to love yourself and release your mother. Become your own loving mother. Love yourself unconditionally. This IS a process. It starts with making a decision to get the support you need to sort it all out. Your feelings won't change overnight. It is one step in front of the other.
AND KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THIS.
Gena
We have to be honest with ourselves.
So many people struggle with these issues when caregiving for their parents.
I don’t blame her siblings for flying the coop but it’s terribly sad that she is going through this alone.
I want to make this clear that caring for a frail, helpless parent is totally different than being married to an abusive husband.
Someone on the thread mentioned about a bad marriage--these are two different things.
Unfortunately, one of the highest domestic violence incidences; death resulting are in the bible belt--I think the Carolina's but I am not sure. Basically, the Pastor tells the wife, stay, pray, be more supportive and the wife ends up dying at the hands of an abusive husband. I was surprised when I read that.
If you are in an abusive marriage--don't walk, run. Call 9-1-1, get a restraining order, move or get new locks and a camera at the door. A baseball bat in the umbrella stand too. I want to be clear on this.
I want to make sure my answer matches the issue at hand and NOT a blanket statement that stay with any type of abusive person. My response for some on the thread was taken out of context.
Enough said...have a good evening.
Of course, part of you would like to try for that parent-child bond that you missed out on in childhood. Don't bother. I have known others who have tried for that, none who succeeded. If it wasn't there in childhood I don't think it is possible later.
Set out your own terms. Simply state that you have no intention of beginning a touchy-feely relationship at this point. Tell her exactly what will make your visits work for you and tell her firmly, but politely, that your relationship is what it is and you do not intend to change at this late point. If she sets up a howl (she probably will), stay away for a week or two. When you visit again, start with the same conversation.
Bear in mind that you owe your mother NOTHING. You owe yourself both honesty with yourself and respect for your own feelings. Do what you must to be true to yourself. If you can also do something to build a different relationship with your mother, that would be nice, but do not think for a minute that you can manage that unless your mother also works on her side of that. I wish you luck, but I also want you to know that there are plenty of us who understand what you are going through and fully support you and your need to be the person you already are, not the person your mother would like you to be.
Love yourself first, you deserve it.
Time to free yourself and let Karma be her companion. Please call Adult Protective services to evaluate her for placement.
When that's all done, plan a nice vacation for yourself.
Aloha!
You say this truth so beautifully and simply.
Aloha to you, too. Gena / Touch Matters
I hated to call both my mother and my stepmother on Mother's day. I'm not good at faking things. Don't feel bad...you can decide if you want to fake it if she is nice to you.
You could do worse than observe how the staff treat residents in need of reassurance and comfort. They're constrained by professional boundaries (I once did put my arms round a client to comfort her, but that was when she'd just literally jumped from the shower because the water ran cold and I was wrapping a towel round her at the same time) which you too might find useful in keeping tight control of how close you let your mother get.
Don't feel bad about how you feel. You're a product of your own experience, it's not like you can just suddenly decide you do like green eggs and ham.
I wish you good luck in finding a solution ASAP.
Get out of there. She neglected you as a child. She made her bed and has the exact kind of support system she deserves: none. Let her go to a care facility and make friends there, if she's capable of it. She burned her mother card. You owe her nothing.
Not sure what she should DO with regard to her mother. But encouraging an unforgiving attitude is harder on the victim than acknowledging that her mom had her own demons.
It's never too late...I believe if you Honor your mother you will be rewarded. Not everyone has the same beliefs but "Honor thy Mother and Father" is different than "Love Your Neighbor". The Lord knew not everyone would be given the same set of parents.
I believe in Mercy and Forgiveness...flowers and plants are calming too. Make things her surrounds beautiful for the both of you and see the change!
It's a Trap (most likely) ... with that in mind,
Be VERY careful about proceeding or believing your mother
WHY? --> Your post describes a very manipulative mother, who might have a Cluster B personality, which means you might benefit from the following:
1. enter into Google search: Cluster B personality disorders
2. separate your emotions from everything (extremely difficult but possible over time).
3. Their manipulative tactics include the installation of lifelong guilt (to get you to do as they want); this is NOT your fault
Manipulative personalities know EXACTLY what they are doing, if they were clueless then they would behave exactly the same in front of everyone.
4. For a layman's insight into manipulative parents please Google MulderFan Blogger, which is a writer who describes about her experiences within an extremely manipulative parental dynamic. A network of bloggers have been informal lifesavers, for so many who have been living with similar situations, as you describe.
5. Keep us updated on everything, you are NOT alone, in your experiences
(My (M.S., M.A., etc) degrees in this realm are my official qualifications; which means that I must say that I'm not diagnosing anyone, nor providing legal advice). I'm only providing generalized insight into stuff.
So sorry that you're experiencing the lifelong patterns of a passive aggressive manipulative mother
When my brother was still a baby she would leave us alone all night, I was 11 when he was born, she was out partying.
I went no contact with her 11 years ago, I had to choose me or her, I chose me.'
Happiest 11 years of my adult life, to me she is dead.
I'm so sorry that you had such a life. It's sad when children have to be the parents. Your brother was lucky to have an older sister who stepped up to be like a mother to him. I know that role all too well.
You live with her? UGH.
Keep your distance. Keep busy.. Tune out....
Hang in there <3
I've accepted long ago that praise and criticism, love and hate are all the same to my mother.
I pretty much put no stock by anything she says or does. None of it's real. I pretty much indifferent. I think has regret but not enough to take any accountability for her behavior or to admit to being wrong.
My dad came from an abusive household. No physical affection, lots of verbal abuse, maybe physical, too -- he never got into details.
He grew up to be a kind and loving family man and a pillar of his community. No one in the community knew about his ppbringing, nor did my brother and I until about 10 years ago.
After hearing some of my dad's stories of his upbringing I asked him how in the world he became the wonderful person he was, and he said,
"Whenever I didn't know how to handle something, I'd ask myself what my parents would have done. Then I do the opposite."
That, in my opinion is how you get past trauma. My dad was not a repressed personality, but he chose not to dwell on the negatives and he made a conscious effort not to let those experiences form who he'd become unless he could learn from them by doing the opposite. He knew that by hanging on to the memories and bitterness, the actions of his parents would last long after they were gone. He cared for my grandmother in her old age because in spite of her failings as a mother, she tried.
Think about that as you make your choices.
My MIL had the same experience as your dad. Her mother was a witch!
My MIL would often say, “Most people learn what to do from their mothers. I learned what NOT to do from my mother!
Oh, if only everyone could be as wise as your father and my mother in law! There would be a lot less heartaches in this world.
Unfortunately, some people pass on abuse because it is all they know. It’s their frame of reference. Others are exceptionally intuitive like your dad and my mother in law and break cycles of abuse.
Thank you for sharing this information. I often share about my MIL. She was an amazing woman who died far too early in life, age 68 due to non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
Some people in spite of their past difficulties learn how to show love to others. It’s remarkable.
Many people need help to overcome their past trauma. I truly hope that they will seek out the help that is needed for them to live fulfilling lives.
This is such a complex web of emotions that I can't think of a single solid response that could be of any help.
I've found that in my 65 yrs, after a tumultuous childhood (non-sexual, but in every other way, abusive bio-father) and stuck mother without any supports for leaving this NPD abuser, I was left with the typically dysfunctional false roles that kids from dysfunctional families assume. I was both the scapegoat and the fixer. The only way that I could see my own way clear to any sort of healthy and not co-dependent relationship was to do counseling.
I utilized a couple of psychologists over the decades of 2 failed marriages and once becoming a parent, I recognized the need to not perpetuate the passivity of my long-suffering mom (who, btw made a solid, loving 2nd marriage) or the dismissive and abusive traits of my bio-father. I sought counseling and I think God that I did.
I can only suggest that instead of trying to work out this complex dance of emotions on your own, you seek counseling and find a way to be at peace with whatever choice you make as regards your mothers needs, but MOST importantly, your own needs. You were raised by an NPD parent and yet, you're not calling her what she is. I think that identifying your own unmet emotional childhood needs will help you to establish healthy boundaries with your mother.
There is too much history here and too many unmet needs. pls consider counseling so that once your mother is gone, you can move forward in your life without the baggage of the deficits and confusion you now express. This is a huge opportunity for personal growth.
Best to you.
She didn't want... Now wants.
Yeah, awkward.
Hugs & hand holding are a two way street imho.
I truly dislike huggers that force themselves on you - all about them. Zero care for their target. Feel used.
I can be flexible & have decided to learn to relate to this new 'version' of Mother. With boundaries that suit me of course!
Hopefully you can find the right balance too.
If you are secretly holding hope that you'll get a deathbed "I always did love you" or an apology, I can assure you this has maybe .005% chance of happening.
My mom loved her kids, but she too was unaffectionate and I think disappointed with me. She was thrilled to have a daughter, but I wasn't what she wanted. Never flat out said that to me but it was easy to infer. I couldn't understand why she was often cold. As I grew up I understood. Her parents fought like cats and dogs daily. Constant shouting. If any couple should have split up, it was them. Nope, stayed married 60+ years because God would hate them if they divorced. Even I hated being around them when I was a kid! It's hard to grow up in a house like that. Mom will never face how her childhood affected her. She learned to cope by being the Good Girl. Smile! Nothing's wrong! Just look pretty and be quiet! Mom is 79 now and still in that mindset. It's sad. In some ways I feel bad for her.
Great post!
You need to realize that Dementia can change people. Maybe she wanted to hug you but something in her growing up kept her holdingo back. Now the filters are down she wants to hug. But that does not mean that you need to hug her or hold her hand. You don't need to do anything ur not comfortable with.
I like what Burnt said.
Everything you do for your undeserving parent is a gift of kindness and generosity to yourself.