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I take care of her due to the fact no one else will! I shrink at the thought of her touching me because I know it is because I’m the only one left that will visit her! She is difficult to be around with the continuous paranoia and passive aggressive behavior. I feel trapped because in my heart of hearts I know if someone more interesting came along I would be kicked to the curb! She was never physically affectionate with me or my brother and now she wants physical affection from me and I become totally grossed out! What do I do, I feel so bad having these feelings!

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Please could you explain what physical affection she is wanting from you that is ‘totally grossing you out’? Also your own gender would help to understand what is going on. You are anonymous, so this is not intended to be intrusive, just to understand better. What you say covers a large range of posters’ experience, often very difficult indeed.
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If she's in AL, let them deal with her. Interact as little as possible. It's what she deserves.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@Zippy

You're right. If the OP does not want to be part of it, she does not have to be.
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I’m so sorry that you and your brother didn’t receive the motherly affection that you deserved.

Was she always paranoid and passive aggressive or is it just since she has declined due to her Alzheimer’s disease?
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Why can't you disentangle yourself from her the way your brother did? How often do you visit her? Are you her POA/HCPOA? How often does your brother visit her?
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Tit for tat?
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She is living in a facility that has staff that are paid to care for her.
If you feel you must visit out of some perceived obligation then visit 1 time a month, 2 times a month or 1 time a week. Whatever YOU feel YOU can do. Set a timer on your phone for your 10-15 minute visit. Then leave.
On the other hand if visiting is not emotionally healthy for you then do not visit at all.
Emotional health and safety is just as important as physical health and safety. If your mother had beaten you and left you with visible scars, bruises and broken bones no one would question the reason you do not want to visit. Just because a wound is not visible does not mean it is less important or less of a wound.
Do what you feel is right for you.
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Lived this. My mother was a severely damaged woman, riddled with anxieties.

I was her only child, and during my entire early life, in fact until I was married in my early 30s, she was a tragic agoraphobic, and never saw any of my graduations or recitals or performances because of her illness.

In her last years, we BOTH learned how to come together for each other.

I was open to acknowledging that she had been a wonderful amazing grandmother, and she learned to acknowledge in her own damaged ways that she loved me sincerely as her daughter.

Her dementia actually allowed me to overlook and release a lot of what had been her earlier years, and we both benefited for the changes I made.

In a sense, you are fully in control of how “close” you want your relationship to be. See if it helps if you can frame your interactions as being with a damaged stranger, who no longer has the capacity to herself willfully damage you or your brother.

After all the years of flawed interactions with my mother, our last years were pretty much smoother. I treasure that time. Living through all of the steps helped me to grow as a human being.

I hope you’ll be able to let your mother give you that gift, as my damaged mother did for me.
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I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother you needed and deserved. That will leave a hole that can’t be filled as you’ve seen. Know that you can’t get back at her now for the bad choices she made in parenting. She won’t understand, ever, what she did wrong. Now, she’s an elderly lady whose mind is leaving her, and still difficult to be around. Everyone in any managed care setting needs someone overseeing their care, being their advocate, making sure the staff is doing well by them and seeing that this is a person who is cared about. That doesn’t mean you have to spend loads of time. Separate yourself emotionally and views the visits as checking in on a person in need, just a person. It won’t be easy, but with that mindset it can get easier. When the rudeness starts, leave immediately. And though it’s highly unlikely that “someone more interesting” will come along, if they do, let them have at it.
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The description of your mother is basically exactly both of my parents. You are correct. She tries to be all over you because you're the only person who visits her. Everything you say is true because you're the one who lived it.
So now it's for you to decide what the relationship will be with her, if in fact you even want to have one. It's okay if you don't.
Keep in mind that everything you do for her and every time you visit her it's an act of pure kindness and generosity on your part.
You have to forgive yourself and get past the guilt that controls you. You don't deserve that. Try therapy to help get past the guilt you have.
I knew many a bored and lonely elder who complained that their kids don't bother with them and don't care. Usually I knew the other side of the story from their adult kids. You know what I always told these people?

If you plant a field of resentment and indifference, don't expect a crop of love and understanding when it's harvest time.

Know what I always told the adult children these elderly people?

Everything you do for your undeserving parent is a gift of kindness and generosity to yourself.

This doesn't mean you have to visit her every day. You decide how much contact you have. This doesn't mean you have to become a slave to her needsor tolerate abuse from her. When she starts up with the passive/aggressive behavior and paranoid nonsense start up, cut her off. Hang up if you're on the phone with her. End the visit if it's in person.
You set the tone of the visit. If physical contact with her makes you uncomfortable, don't allow it. If you don't want to hear her complaining crap, refuse to listen.
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Tagtae Dec 2022
Wise words
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Burnt--
What a great saying about, well, basically, reaping what you've sown!

I was not close to my mother. I tried, as best as a kid can and even as a child knew, somehow, she was not capable of truly loving without expecting anything in return.

I've always felt that if you have one person in your life who loves you unconditionally, you are lucky. If you have 2, you're beyond blessed.

My dad and his mom were my 2. And it was enough to get me through to adulthood where I choose to love and am loved in return.

Don't play 'tit for tat'--be kind, considerate and compassionate as your soul allows you. The person who suffers is the one who didn't/couldn't love you.

(Lest you think I'm a really great person, I have to add that I have zero relationship with my MIL. I truly tried and beyond--but being with her was so depressing and negative, I was counseled to cut all ties with her. We don't have ANY kind of relationship, good or bad. Just...nothing. And sometimes that has to be OK, too.)
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@Midkid

I totally agree with you. I was lucky that both of my MIL's were cool, but my first one was like a real mother to me even after I got divorced from her son. She understood that I couldn't live with the alcoholism anymore. The first person who truly loved me was her son, my first husband. Then of course their huge Polish clan of a family, and there was a lot them. He never wanted anything in return and he could refuse me nothing. I wanted my little brother to live with us, and he moved in. I quit any job I didn't like and he never cared. When he got sick and was at the end of his life, I was married to my second husband. I still took care of him though. He understood why I did and had no problem with it.
My second husband was the other love of my life. I've been lucky in love and am luckier still that we came back to each other.
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Your mother has Alzheimer's Disease, according to your profile and the category you put your post under, plus she lives in Assisted Living. Her brain is broken and that's why (possibly) she's looking for physical touch/affection from you NOW which she never looked for from you in the past. Things change when dementia sets in. I was adopted at 3 months old, and when my adoptive mother's dementia became moderate, she started carrying on and ON about how sad she was she never had 'children of her own' and how it was 'dad's fault' and blah blah. It became an exercise in patience and tolerance for me to visit with her at all, and be this tower of strength for HER while she was cutting ME down. It became awful to deal with her, even MORE awful that it had been in the past to deal with her histrionics and dramatics.

So, what your mother 'wants' and what she will 'get' from you are likely two different things. Give what you are able to give and not what you are unable to give. Visit when you can, stay until things become intolerable, and then leave. Me, I never visited mom alone b/c one time she told me something SO foul, that I decided it was not wise to visit her alone anymore. So I'd take my DH with me as a buffer. If she became too toxic, I could leave the room and have DH take over 'entertaining' her b/c she'd never act up TOO badly with him. This is why the buffer idea was a good one.

Do what you can and not what you can't. Deal with mother on YOUR terms now, you're no longer a child living in HER home, but an adult visiting her.

You're entitled to your feelings; feelings have no consequence unless they're acted upon. You've earned the right to dislike your mother and/or her behaviors, as I earned the right to dislike my mother and her behaviors. Before I acted out on MY feelings, however, I'd leave her presence. So I never had anything to feel 'guilty' about with respect to my OWN behavior. I'd stay as long as I could bear to, and then take off. I suggest you do the same. Don't dole out physical affection b/c it's unnatural and not warranted ANYWAY. A small hug or air kiss on your way out should suffice in terms of 'affection.' You get what you get from me, mom, just as I got what I got from YOU growing up.

Wishing you the best of luck carving out a relationship with your mother that works for YOU and that's all done on YOUR terms now.
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Luta65 Dec 2022
lealonnie,

As a mother and daughter (Nana too), I am so very saddened to read about the travails you experienced with your mother in her ALZ years, likely a clear vocalization of a rejection you'd always felt as a child growing up with a mother who never wanted to adopt. I am so sorry that you had to live this for your whole life as an unspoken feeling that was voiced fully once the filters were gone from her.

As an adoptive mom, I cannot imagine any parent not fully embracing the love shared with and between a mother and child. It's kind of funny but with my daughter and I, ppl are always trulyy surprised to learn that we're not of biological connection; everyone who knows us assumes that she's my biological child even though she's full black and I'm white.

I am so very much an part of my grandkids' lives that they've taken on a lot of me, my traits, both good and not so much, just as with any close multigenerational family. Of course, they know that I'm they're not of my DNA, but they sure know to their hearts that I am their Nana (great Grandma has the Grandma title still). Never ever would I hold the slightest regret that I carried my daughter in my heart and that God designed to bring her to me.

I am so sorry that you had to hear these feelings expressed by this mother who raised you and sincerely hope that your wounds are now fully healed.
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My mother was emotionally unavailable too. Not affectionate with me my entire childhood. She made me feel like a burden. Sometime in my mid 20’s she started wanting hugs and because of the history it made me very uncomfortable. I still don’t like it and really won’t do it. I think parents have a chance to bond with their kids when they are young and if they don’t do it that is on them. You shouldn’t feel bad at all.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
This is the key.

The bonding has to happen when the children are young.

If a parent misses out on establishing a relationship during these foundational years it isn’t going to be easy for the child to make an intimate connection later on.

In rare cases it is possible to build a new foundation but it usually doesn’t happen.
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MareMare222, my Mom wasn't all that huggy when I was growing up. It wasn't until after my Mom had passed that my cousin and I were talking about our Moms, and back in the 1940's no one knew or understood about post-partum issues.

I really believed my Mom had post-partum depression as it was my God-mother who cared for me during the first few months as my Mom was in the hospital [the family lore said she had pneumonia]. And when I was growing up, I always felt like my Mom was upset with me for some reason. I was an only child.

Sometimes we need to dig into the far past to figure out why a parent acted the way they did. For my cousin, her Mom [my Mom's sister] wasn't happy with her daughter, as her parents were hoping for a son. I know that sounds crazy.
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My Mom loved her kids but she was not a hugger or kisser of cheeks. Either was her sister my favorite Aunt. It may have been the way they were raised and having a father leave when my Aunt was 8 and Mom not born yet. So when a foster Aunt we would go see always gave me a hug, I was uncomfortable. I am not a hand holder either. I think its cute when old married couples hold hands but I don't like too. I never hugged and kissed my Mom goodbye. I never touched her in any way. When my MIL was in rehab my husband said "I think you should give Mom a hug when we leave. I know she would like it" Yes, I got snippy and regret it but I came back with "no one tells me who I should hug" Really, we never got along the way she thought we would. Not after telling lies about me to others and my DH which he did not believe anyway. Why would I hug her. Neither side of my family hugged. Maybe it was the German-English in the families. The only Aunts that hugged married into the family and were Italian.

You need to realize that Dementia can change people. Maybe she wanted to hug you but something in her growing up kept her holdingo back. Now the filters are down she wants to hug. But that does not mean that you need to hug her or hold her hand. You don't need to do anything ur not comfortable with.

I like what Burnt said.

Everything you do for your undeserving parent is a gift of kindness and generosity to yourself.
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I understand what you are feeling. My parents raised me but my father always treated others as if they were more important than I was. Their opinions and feelings mattered more than mine did. If someone hurt my feelings I wasn't to say anything to upset the offending party. Even as an adult he would make plans with me then cancel out if something better came along. Knew more(took more of an interest in) about the lives of the workers at the bank he went to than his own grandchildren. Then he got really old and the friends and family he held in such high regard dropped off. Suddenly I was the most important person in the world to him. For me he was 45 years too late and I just could not get past that. The idea of hugging him made me ill. I just did not have that connection with him. I am sure he was confused by all of this. I understand how you feel.
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Why are you trapped? You're not trapped. There is no reason you have to step up because she ran off everyone else around her. She has her needs met in the facility as far as food, clothes, and medical care. It's fine to visit but once she gives attitude, say you'll come back when she's feeling better.

If you are secretly holding hope that you'll get a deathbed "I always did love you" or an apology, I can assure you this has maybe .005% chance of happening.

My mom loved her kids, but she too was unaffectionate and I think disappointed with me. She was thrilled to have a daughter, but I wasn't what she wanted. Never flat out said that to me but it was easy to infer. I couldn't understand why she was often cold. As I grew up I understood. Her parents fought like cats and dogs daily. Constant shouting. If any couple should have split up, it was them. Nope, stayed married 60+ years because God would hate them if they divorced. Even I hated being around them when I was a kid! It's hard to grow up in a house like that. Mom will never face how her childhood affected her. She learned to cope by being the Good Girl. Smile! Nothing's wrong! Just look pretty and be quiet! Mom is 79 now and still in that mindset. It's sad. In some ways I feel bad for her.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Loopy,

Great post!
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Non affectional Mother. Now more affectionate with aging.
She didn't want... Now wants.
Yeah, awkward.

Hugs & hand holding are a two way street imho.

I truly dislike huggers that force themselves on you - all about them. Zero care for their target. Feel used.

I can be flexible & have decided to learn to relate to this new 'version' of Mother. With boundaries that suit me of course!

Hopefully you can find the right balance too.
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I read recently on another post that parents who didn’t ‘care much’ when children were young and wanted love, sometimes think that they can make it up in later life. That the adult son and daughter are still a child who wants hugs and love. It often doesn’t work like that. It feels false and icky, and just rubs in how bad the past was. Is that the problem?
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Mare,

This is such a complex web of emotions that I can't think of a single solid response that could be of any help.

I've found that in my 65 yrs, after a tumultuous childhood (non-sexual, but in every other way, abusive bio-father) and stuck mother without any supports for leaving this NPD abuser, I was left with the typically dysfunctional false roles that kids from dysfunctional families assume. I was both the scapegoat and the fixer. The only way that I could see my own way clear to any sort of healthy and not co-dependent relationship was to do counseling.

I utilized a couple of psychologists over the decades of 2 failed marriages and once becoming a parent, I recognized the need to not perpetuate the passivity of my long-suffering mom (who, btw made a solid, loving 2nd marriage) or the dismissive and abusive traits of my bio-father. I sought counseling and I think God that I did.

I can only suggest that instead of trying to work out this complex dance of emotions on your own, you seek counseling and find a way to be at peace with whatever choice you make as regards your mothers needs, but MOST importantly, your own needs. You were raised by an NPD parent and yet, you're not calling her what she is. I think that identifying your own unmet emotional childhood needs will help you to establish healthy boundaries with your mother.

There is too much history here and too many unmet needs. pls consider counseling so that once your mother is gone, you can move forward in your life without the baggage of the deficits and confusion you now express. This is a huge opportunity for personal growth.

Best to you.
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I've said this story before, and I post it again here.

My dad came from an abusive household. No physical affection, lots of verbal abuse, maybe physical, too -- he never got into details.

He grew up to be a kind and loving family man and a pillar of his community. No one in the community knew about his ppbringing, nor did my brother and I until about 10 years ago.

After hearing some of my dad's stories of his upbringing I asked him how in the world he became the wonderful person he was, and he said,

"Whenever I didn't know how to handle something, I'd ask myself what my parents would have done. Then I do the opposite."

That, in my opinion is how you get past trauma. My dad was not a repressed personality, but he chose not to dwell on the negatives and he made a conscious effort not to let those experiences form who he'd become unless he could learn from them by doing the opposite. He knew that by hanging on to the memories and bitterness, the actions of his parents would last long after they were gone. He cared for my grandmother in her old age because in spite of her failings as a mother, she tried.

Think about that as you make your choices.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
MJ,

My MIL had the same experience as your dad. Her mother was a witch!

My MIL would often say, “Most people learn what to do from their mothers. I learned what NOT to do from my mother!

Oh, if only everyone could be as wise as your father and my mother in law! There would be a lot less heartaches in this world.

Unfortunately, some people pass on abuse because it is all they know. It’s their frame of reference. Others are exceptionally intuitive like your dad and my mother in law and break cycles of abuse.

Thank you for sharing this information. I often share about my MIL. She was an amazing woman who died far too early in life, age 68 due to non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Some people in spite of their past difficulties learn how to show love to others. It’s remarkable.

Many people need help to overcome their past trauma. I truly hope that they will seek out the help that is needed for them to live fulfilling lives.
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From my own experience and thinking, children always bear part of the "consequence" of parents' behaviors, good and bad. Only when I realized specific cause-effect and decided to end the bad cause for good, then I would willingly choose to do what's better, rather than repeating the negative cycle. Sometimes doing is way harder than thinking.
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I feel the same re: my Mom. I HATE her compliments. I HATE her expressions of supposed love. I do not like hugging her & oftentimes don't when I arrive or leave. She was angry & emotionally abusive my entire life. I sign off with "XO" on the phone if even that. Sometimes I pretend the call dropped. I ignore when the compliments & weird comments that come out of her & talk over them. Natural to feel nauseous at this love bombing from them.
You live with her? UGH.
Keep your distance. Keep busy.. Tune out....
Hang in there <3
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@eat-pray-love

I've accepted long ago that praise and criticism, love and hate are all the same to my mother.
I pretty much put no stock by anything she says or does. None of it's real. I pretty much indifferent. I think has regret but not enough to take any accountability for her behavior or to admit to being wrong.
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My mother, she was and is a terrible mother, it is all about her and what she wants. She is a verbal abuser and was a physical one when I was a child. Her interests when my brother & I were young, was Boys, Bowling and Booze, not her children.

When my brother was still a baby she would leave us alone all night, I was 11 when he was born, she was out partying.

I went no contact with her 11 years ago, I had to choose me or her, I chose me.'

Happiest 11 years of my adult life, to me she is dead.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@MeDolly

I'm so sorry that you had such a life. It's sad when children have to be the parents. Your brother was lucky to have an older sister who stepped up to be like a mother to him. I know that role all too well.
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Your feelings are justified ...

It's a Trap (most likely) ... with that in mind,
Be VERY careful about proceeding or believing your mother
WHY? --> Your post describes a very manipulative mother, who might have a Cluster B personality, which means you might benefit from the following:
1. enter into Google search: Cluster B personality disorders
2. separate your emotions from everything (extremely difficult but possible over time).
3. Their manipulative tactics include the installation of lifelong guilt (to get you to do as they want); this is NOT your fault
Manipulative personalities know EXACTLY what they are doing, if they were clueless then they would behave exactly the same in front of everyone.
4. For a layman's insight into manipulative parents please Google MulderFan Blogger, which is a writer who describes about her experiences within an extremely manipulative parental dynamic. A network of bloggers have been informal lifesavers, for so many who have been living with similar situations, as you describe.
5. Keep us updated on everything, you are NOT alone, in your experiences

(My (M.S., M.A., etc) degrees in this realm are my official qualifications; which means that I must say that I'm not diagnosing anyone, nor providing legal advice). I'm only providing generalized insight into stuff.

So sorry that you're experiencing the lifelong patterns of a passive aggressive manipulative mother
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Don't feel bad if you really had no relationship with your mother and you feel uncomfortable go with your feeling. Your not being mean. At least your around and just do what you can
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Give it to her if you can. She has probably forgotten all the things that happened in her life to make her the way she was. Loss of memory can be a blessing because of this. Enjoy her, love her because you won't have long to do so. Make up for lost time and try to forget a out the negative and take advantage of the little time God has given you with the mom you wish you always had.
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sp19690 Dec 2022
Yeah thats fantastic (end sarcasm). Too bad he didn't give her a decent mother when she was a vulnerable child. Who needs tjis abusive old bat being all needy now and wanting a hug. Its not because she magically became a goid oerson it's just because she's old and dying. Not exactly a change if you ask me. The OP owes her mother nothing and if the thought of hugging her mother makes her cringe then she certainly doesnt have to grin and bear that.
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Good Morning,

It's never too late...I believe if you Honor your mother you will be rewarded. Not everyone has the same beliefs but "Honor thy Mother and Father" is different than "Love Your Neighbor". The Lord knew not everyone would be given the same set of parents.

I believe in Mercy and Forgiveness...flowers and plants are calming too. Make things her surrounds beautiful for the both of you and see the change!
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Dupedwife Dec 2022
How does one find it in her heart to forgive someone who has done such irreparable psychological damage to her? I have been married to a man who is a narcissist for over 41 years. I am a Christian, and my Bible tells me that I should forgive seventy times seven, I tried forgiving my husband but as soon as I forgave him he turns around and hurts me psychologically again and forgiving him is not working for me while I’m living with him. The only way that I can, perhaps, forgive him is if I move out and have no contact with him. Since OP’s mother sounds like she’s a narcissist, in order for her to heal from her psychological scars she should put her mother in a NH and then have no contact with her mother. Living with a narcissist is a psychological death sentence. Having no contact with her mother will help her find a way to forgive her mother and heal from her psychological scars.
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Here's what I think, sweetheart. I think someone else CAN take care of her. I think some part of you is still trying to show her that you're a good daughter by showing up.

Get out of there. She neglected you as a child. She made her bed and has the exact kind of support system she deserves: none. Let her go to a care facility and make friends there, if she's capable of it. She burned her mother card. You owe her nothing.
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bkoropchak123 Dec 2022
Oh my! Your teeth probably are grinding. Yes, there are some more capable than others of being good at motherhood. Unfortunately we often only get one crack at this complicated role. And we all face relationships that test our patience and tolerance. Resentments toward others hurt us not them.
Not sure what she should DO with regard to her mother. But encouraging an unforgiving attitude is harder on the victim than acknowledging that her mom had her own demons.
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If you shrink at her touching you that is Not a good sign . You dont Have to make excuses for your feelings . Sometimes though we have to Look beyond the Past and Let it go . You are Being the Bigger person By Visiting her . Get a Therapist to deal with your feelings . No One is Perfect and Some People are Not cut Out to be Mothers . I deal with My situation as Taking Care of someone who Is sick and needs help and compassion . Give yourself some extra Points for being a Good Human we need More of them .
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My heart aches for you and your brother. Your mother is displaying signs of a narcissist. As a narcissist gets older her/his paranoia becomes exacerbated. I’m living with a husband who is a narcissist, and I have suffered over 41 years of psychological trauma being around him. In order for me to find peace and happiness, I have a plan in place to move away from him in 2023. In order for you to heal from these deep psychological wounds that your mother has inflicted on you and your brother, you should move away from her. You should have her placed in a nursing home and perhaps once you have less contact with her you can have peace and happiness in your life by trying to forgive her. This is a matter of YOUR survival and you need to do what’s right for YOU.

I wish you good luck in finding a solution ASAP.
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sp19690 Dec 2022
I am so glad you have a plan in the new year to get away from him.
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