My mother was emotionally negligent in raising my brother and I as children. Now in her mid 80s she wants this close relationship. Any advice?

If she needs something to cuddle, I should get her a big teddy bear. If she's expecting you to cuddle her - :/ - that's trickier. I come from a no or limited physical displays of affection family too and it still makes my ears prickle when people want to hug or hold hands.

You could do worse than observe how the staff treat residents in need of reassurance and comfort. They're constrained by professional boundaries (I once did put my arms round a client to comfort her, but that was when she'd just literally jumped from the shower because the water ran cold and I was wrapping a towel round her at the same time) which you too might find useful in keeping tight control of how close you let your mother get.

Don't feel bad about how you feel. You're a product of your own experience, it's not like you can just suddenly decide you do like green eggs and ham.

I feel the same way. I cringe at the idea of hugging my mother. I cringe when she even writes me that she wants to hug and love me now (because I know she is 77 and she missed the first 52 years with worse than negligence - constant abuse, manipulation and demands. Yes, acknowledge your feelings. They are normal!
I hated to call both my mother and my stepmother on Mother's day. I'm not good at faking things. Don't feel bad...you can decide if you want to fake it if she is nice to you.

Good advice listed below. Set boundaries and limit contact. Some family of narcissistic parents decide to go no contact. She only wants someone to take care of her. My Mother isn’t quite as bad, but close. I now say what I feel to her. I am not angry when I say it, but I don’t sugar coat it either. We get along for the most part. However, I keep her in check when I’m around her. I don’t allow her to complain or talk about someone else for more than two sentences and then I tell her let’s talk about something else and because it only brings up bad memories. She stops. At Thanksgiving, I must have said it five times a day for three days. It was somewhat stressful. However, it definitely made her aware of what she was doing. I would start now looking for nursing facilities. If she can private pay, it costs about 10-12 thousand a month. Home care is a little less. Maybe let her know there are no other options. Social services may have to step in. If she goes to the hospital for any emergency services, let them know that there is no one at home to take care of her and there is no money. If that’s the case. They will place her somewhere. You and your Sister will need to strong about your decision together. Good luck.

Please get yourself to a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can explain the situation and help you figure out how resign your position. Abused/Neglected children do not deserve to be emotionally enslaved by their abuser.

Time to free yourself and let Karma be her companion. Please call Adult Protective services to evaluate her for placement.

When that's all done, plan a nice vacation for yourself.

Aloha!

I feel for you, you are in a tough spot. My childhood memories do contain a few really nice memories, but they are way outnumbered by memories of abuse and neglect. I moved 3000 miles away as soon as I could, though I did move back 30 years later.

Of course, part of you would like to try for that parent-child bond that you missed out on in childhood. Don't bother. I have known others who have tried for that, none who succeeded. If it wasn't there in childhood I don't think it is possible later.

Set out your own terms. Simply state that you have no intention of beginning a touchy-feely relationship at this point. Tell her exactly what will make your visits work for you and tell her firmly, but politely, that your relationship is what it is and you do not intend to change at this late point. If she sets up a howl (she probably will), stay away for a week or two. When you visit again, start with the same conversation.

Bear in mind that you owe your mother NOTHING. You owe yourself both honesty with yourself and respect for your own feelings. Do what you must to be true to yourself. If you can also do something to build a different relationship with your mother, that would be nice, but do not think for a minute that you can manage that unless your mother also works on her side of that. I wish you luck, but I also want you to know that there are plenty of us who understand what you are going through and fully support you and your need to be the person you already are, not the person your mother would like you to be.

Love yourself first, you deserve it.

Good Evening,

I want to make this clear that caring for a frail, helpless parent is totally different than being married to an abusive husband.

Someone on the thread mentioned about a bad marriage--these are two different things.

Unfortunately, one of the highest domestic violence incidences; death resulting are in the bible belt--I think the Carolina's but I am not sure. Basically, the Pastor tells the wife, stay, pray, be more supportive and the wife ends up dying at the hands of an abusive husband. I was surprised when I read that.

If you are in an abusive marriage--don't walk, run. Call 9-1-1, get a restraining order, move or get new locks and a camera at the door. A baseball bat in the umbrella stand too. I want to be clear on this.

I want to make sure my answer matches the issue at hand and NOT a blanket statement that stay with any type of abusive person. My response for some on the thread was taken out of context.

Enough said...have a good evening.

It is vitally important to HONOR how you feel. You do not have to like them. Be grateful you can identify them to this degree; many could not.

It certainly is understandable that you have these strong feelings based on how your mom interacted with you when you were younger, and perhaps, throughout your life.

I sense you need to flush out what exactly you want to do, i.e., :
1) managing that you feel bad due to the feelings you have; or
2) needing to deal with buried grief, anger, resentment over the last ??? years, since you were a child - and never really had a mother - as most of us want and most certainly deserve, a protector, someone to love us unconditionally, and care for our welfare.
3) A combination of both.
4) You need to question why you have taken on the role of caring for her now. I realize you say no one else will - is this why you are taking care of her while clenching your teeth when around her, wanting to scream and / or leave, or both.
5) It sounds to me that you do not want to be in the role you have taken on regardless of who else is or isn't available to take on these responsibilities. You may feel like you are between a 'rock and a hard place.' And, perhaps you are.
- Are you feeling guilty if you stop caring for her as you are?
- Have you researched what else is available, Medi-Cal ? Medi-caid ? Would you feel and be okay turning over her care to a state agency ?
- It sounds to me that deep down inside you want to love her and care for her and having the anger and hurt/pain in front of these deep feelings. Every child wants to have their mother care for them, and often an abused child will return to the abuser (the mother) as this is all they know. And someone is better than no one.
* I would encourage you to get some professional support to sort this out. If there is family, besides you, it is TIME that you 'put your foot down, and tell them to take some responsibility for your mom's care - and that you are stepping aside.
* Get some legal advise too.
Do not allow yourself to be 'kicked to the curb' again. You are used to being in this role as a daughter. It is time for you to say ENOUGH ... I'VE HAD ENOUGH... and be at peace when the chips fall where they may. It may not be easy however the outcome will be you learning how to love yourself, as you wanted your mom to do. While I didn't have a mother as you do, I too, had to learn to become my own mother - and give myself what my mother couldn't because she didn't get that love from her mother . . . and the pattern of behavior continues until someone YOU stop it. Learn to love yourself and release your mother. Become your own loving mother. Love yourself unconditionally. This IS a process. It starts with making a decision to get the support you need to sort it all out. Your feelings won't change overnight. It is one step in front of the other.
AND KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THIS.

Gena

MareMare222: Unfortunately as your mother suffers from dementia in the form of Alzheimer's disease, her mind has tricked her personality into becoming someone who now shows affection. It's going to be very difficult for you to reciprocate as your mother never instilled this in you.

Our obligation is to provide a safe place for a parent to live, food and basic necessities! Everything else is out of love. I am blessed my mom was a great mom but still not perfect. I have chosen to forget what she did wrong and show love. My hope is my daughter will do the same for me. Also I have chosen counseling to help me forgive any silly wrongs. A hug we give to strangers…surely you can do that!

I think that you have to decide how much care you can actually give your mother. My husband tried to have a decent relationship with both of his parents at the beginning of our marriage, but the relationship with his mother was odd. From the beginning, DH told me he would never have her live with us and described her and her siblings treatment of his maternal grandmother, shuffling her from one house to another and treating her like a hot potato until they put her in skilled nursing so far away nobody would visit. He then told his mother when that happened (he was 18) that would happen to her.

If you find your mother’s request for affection repugnant, then you should distance yourself from her if you can.

When DH’s father passed in 2020, his mother wanted to move in with us. He reminded me what he said and then she tried to convince me since I was remodeling my garage. I didn’t want her in a space I planned on using and spent a lot of money on. She wouldn’t have liked it - far too much light coming in through the windows. We experienced her bad behavior over the previous years towards my dear sweet husband - threats of disinheriting, bad words, nasty comments to both of us, etc.

Once my FIL died, she changed her tune and behaved nicer but I told her she would not be able to bring her dog, would not like the rules of the house - no shopping, have to go to adult day care, have to go to the dr regularly, limited tv, no phone, It didn’t really sink in. My husband kept repeating that the dog couldn’t come with her- it was and still isn’t house trained and being a teacup size dog - impossible to train. She also doesn’t go to the doctor and turns on people in a heartbeat. We didn’t want our home destroyed.

My mil is now in assisted living 3.5 hours from here with her little dog and claims she was kidnapped into the facility. Not true. She walked in under her own power, understood why she was there (couldn’t remain at her sister’s place, didn’t want to return to her home - thought it was haunted, & wasn’t welcome at our home because of the dog and the refusal to abide by house rules).

I see an old woman who would like a good relationship with her family & be close by to them, included in holidays and events, but through mental illness and bad behavior is exiled, refuses to consider any culpability because her brain is broken and can’t be fixed. The poor dog has become her focal point and suffers from her attention (no walks, no going outside, she thinks it is dying when there is nothing wrong, etc) & she tries to use it as a ploy to leave. Soon she may end in memory care if we can get her to a neurologist. If she loses the dog, that will be the end of her.

My thou6that distance is the best thing.

Please consider spending some time weekly with a licensed counsellor. You need to process the feelings, the memories, and the problems of your childhood so that you can move from "being her child" to "being her caregiver". As a caregiver, you decide on what types of care you can give. If you find you can not give what is needed, please help her to get another caregiver she can afford or placement in a facility that she can afford.

Screw her of course.

I understand, I lived that. I was the last left who would associate with my mother, even my brother stayed away. Her negativity never left her. She finally fought me about wanting her car parked in the backyard so she should get to it and i was not going to allow her to drive and hurt someone, so I cut ties and she had to call the squad herself when she fell 3 times in 2 weeks until the hospital told her she needed to be in a nursing home.
I would say that you owe her nothing and for your sanity, walk away. Noone deserves to be unappreciated when they are a care giver. Call adult protective services. Tell them she needs help to arrange care for herself. They can find resources. There is no law where you have to care for her. She should have made arrangements for herself like any mature person does as they age.