I am caring for my mother Gloria, who is 79 years old, living at home with age-related decline, arthritis, cancer, depression, and mobility problems. I'm working part time, taking care of my mother, and not being helped by my family.
The way I look at it, which may ruffle some feathers, is that the siblings are not helping because they are CHOOSING to avoid and/or to not help. They are adults. They know they have parents. They know that people age and decompensate and eventually die.
When someone says to a caregiver, "Did you ask your siblings for help," it can actually be a way of, yet again, putting a burden on the caregiver, and giving the siblings a "pass" from adulthood.
In my opinion, it's up to each individual adult to have what relationship they want -- if any -- with their parents. If they wanted to be active in mom's care in any way, they would be, whether it be just calling to chat with mom, picking up some groceries, or saying to the caregiver, "Yes, I am a responsible adult, but I have absolutely no idea what mom needs. Tell me something to do."
I think the real question in this is "Why are they CHOOSING not to help?" If you want to know the answer to this question, you'd have to ask them. "I didn't know mom needed help" is not the root answer. "I didn't help because you didn't ask" is deflecting and blaming.
I'm not putting any judgment on anyone's honest answer as to why they aren't helping their parents. Their answer is their answer, and sometimes people have a very healthy reason for not helping their parents. But, caregivers have enough to do already without being blamed for siblings inaction because they didn't ask siblings to help.
Now, if caregivers choose, they can ask siblings to help mom, and siblings just may decide to help. Everyone may even end up forming a good caregiving team. But, unfortunately, this often isn't the outcome when you ask someone to do something.
I realize sometimes some caregivers do actively work to prevent family from knowing about and helping their loved ones. But, that's a different topic in itself, and not what we're talking about here.
I also realize that sometimes caregivers and siblings have different definitions of "help." If the caregiver is going to talk to siblings about "helping mom", it would be a good idea for the caregiver to name specific tasks that she considers "help." Hopefully, everyone will end up working together for the good of mom and family, but be prepared for definitions, expectations, and people to clash. The phrase, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst" may come in handy when considering a talk with siblings.
Something that helps me deal with my similar situation is that I remind myself that I am not responsible for my siblings actions or inactions. I am not responsible for managing my siblings relationship with our parents. They need to make, or attempt to make, whatever relationship they want with them. I did take steps to give my siblings information about our parents when their health started going downhill. It's up to siblings to do what they want with that information.
I have to do for my parents what my personal values have me do for my parents. I also have to remind myself that my siblings may have -- and have a right to have -- different values and circumstances than I have. And, as much as I may want to, I can't make someone change or force somebody to do something.
I remind myself of these things quite often. I still have a lot of rough days, but sometimes these thoughts help to take the edge off.
Beautifully written, well said. When my parents and a beloved aunt began to decline I chose to reach out to my 3 adult daughters. At the time my two brothers were estranged from the family for many years. My sister was trying to recover from Covid. If the siblings do not offer help, ask for specific duties to be completed or they can help pay for sitters. I sent an email listing in detail a few suggestions that would fit in with their busy lives raising young children and working. Items such as phone calls, cards and pictures of the great grandchildren. Occasionally dropping off a meal even take out means a lot. The elders appreciated not being forgotten. I also realized that I could not provide caregiving alone and then hired part time sitters. I complete many tasks online such as medication home delivery and groceries. Moving my mom to a visiting physician service was huge since she has mobility issues. My aunt's physician will make some house calls. I keep sitters and family updated with emails as situations change. Every little bit helps a lot! It takes a village.
My brother LIVED with my parents and didn't help with my mom. When he finally got his own place again (a mile away), my dad offered to do his laundry for him just to got him to come by once a week. I came up to spend the day with them every week from my home an hour away.
Now my dad is gone and my mom is in a nursing home near me. I did seven months of going to see her twice a week at the first nursing home near her old neighborhood, but the drive was killing me and surprise -- my brother wasn't ever visiting unless I was there. I moved her close to me in July 2019, and he's been to see her exactly four times -- each time because I told him to and never just one-on-one with her. Her slowness, her dementia, and her deafness frustrate him.
I finally figured it out, though. He can't handle old people. He wants everyone to be like they used to be, and he just can't deal with infirmities.
I think you should follow the advice below (above?) and flat-out ask them why they don't help, then give them specific things to do if they say they're willing.
When people let me down in one way or another, I tell myself that people do what they can do. They can usually do more if they tried, but most aren't willing. I do what I can do for my mom, and it just happens to be more than what my brother can or will do. I don't sweat it.
I have no doubt that my sister loved our mom but she would never have stepped in the way I did and I have no doubt she would have place her in a NH instead. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, in fact I would say that very few people are.
Warning: casual sexism ahead. I'm being practical to save time.
In my experience of men, if you ask them to do a specific thing with a specific goal they are happy bunnies and will go to the ends of the earth to help (unless they have some particular reason to refuse).
E.g. compare the following:
Mother needs more support at home. [tumbleweeds] versus I'm clearing mother's spare bedroom for hospital equipment. Please could you take two chairs and six boxes to the goodwill on Saturday morning?
So, next question: what sort of help with your mother's care are you expecting/hoping for?
NHWM, I don't know that. OP wants to know why her brothers don't want to do something. It makes more sense for her to ask them directly. She didn't say they gave her excuses. Maybe she didn't ask, and was hoping they would just offer.
Maybe they would help or would pay for help if asked. If not asked, then they can't read minds.
Are they willing to pay for hired caregiving help? Some people are just too squeamish to do physical caregiving. Could you ask them to help in other ways?
When someone says to a caregiver, "Did you ask your siblings for help," it can actually be a way of, yet again, putting a burden on the caregiver, and giving the siblings a "pass" from adulthood.
In my opinion, it's up to each individual adult to have what relationship they want -- if any -- with their parents. If they wanted to be active in mom's care in any way, they would be, whether it be just calling to chat with mom, picking up some groceries, or saying to the caregiver, "Yes, I am a responsible adult, but I have absolutely no idea what mom needs. Tell me something to do."
I think the real question in this is "Why are they CHOOSING not to help?" If you want to know the answer to this question, you'd have to ask them. "I didn't know mom needed help" is not the root answer. "I didn't help because you didn't ask" is deflecting and blaming.
I'm not putting any judgment on anyone's honest answer as to why they aren't helping their parents. Their answer is their answer, and sometimes people have a very healthy reason for not helping their parents. But, caregivers have enough to do already without being blamed for siblings inaction because they didn't ask siblings to help.
Now, if caregivers choose, they can ask siblings to help mom, and siblings just may decide to help. Everyone may even end up forming a good caregiving team. But, unfortunately, this often isn't the outcome when you ask someone to do something.
I realize sometimes some caregivers do actively work to prevent family from knowing about and helping their loved ones. But, that's a different topic in itself, and not what we're talking about here.
I also realize that sometimes caregivers and siblings have different definitions of "help." If the caregiver is going to talk to siblings about "helping mom", it would be a good idea for the caregiver to name specific tasks that she considers "help." Hopefully, everyone will end up working together for the good of mom and family, but be prepared for definitions, expectations, and people to clash. The phrase, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst" may come in handy when considering a talk with siblings.
Something that helps me deal with my similar situation is that I remind myself that I am not responsible for my siblings actions or inactions. I am not responsible for managing my siblings relationship with our parents. They need to make, or attempt to make, whatever relationship they want with them. I did take steps to give my siblings information about our parents when their health started going downhill. It's up to siblings to do what they want with that information.
I have to do for my parents what my personal values have me do for my parents. I also have to remind myself that my siblings may have -- and have a right to have -- different values and circumstances than I have. And, as much as I may want to, I can't make someone change or force somebody to do something.
I remind myself of these things quite often. I still have a lot of rough days, but sometimes these thoughts help to take the edge off.
I sent an email listing in detail a few suggestions that would fit in with their busy lives raising young children and working. Items such as phone calls, cards and pictures of the great grandchildren. Occasionally dropping off a meal even take out means a lot. The elders appreciated not being forgotten.
I also realized that I could not provide caregiving alone and then hired part time sitters. I complete many tasks online such as medication home delivery and groceries. Moving my mom to a visiting physician service was huge since she has mobility issues. My aunt's physician will make some house calls. I keep sitters and family updated with emails as situations change.
Every little bit helps a lot! It takes a village.
Now my dad is gone and my mom is in a nursing home near me. I did seven months of going to see her twice a week at the first nursing home near her old neighborhood, but the drive was killing me and surprise -- my brother wasn't ever visiting unless I was there. I moved her close to me in July 2019, and he's been to see her exactly four times -- each time because I told him to and never just one-on-one with her. Her slowness, her dementia, and her deafness frustrate him.
I finally figured it out, though. He can't handle old people. He wants everyone to be like they used to be, and he just can't deal with infirmities.
I think you should follow the advice below (above?) and flat-out ask them why they don't help, then give them specific things to do if they say they're willing.
When people let me down in one way or another, I tell myself that people do what they can do. They can usually do more if they tried, but most aren't willing. I do what I can do for my mom, and it just happens to be more than what my brother can or will do. I don't sweat it.
Warning: casual sexism ahead. I'm being practical to save time.
In my experience of men, if you ask them to do a specific thing with a specific goal they are happy bunnies and will go to the ends of the earth to help (unless they have some particular reason to refuse).
E.g. compare the following:
Mother needs more support at home. [tumbleweeds]
versus
I'm clearing mother's spare bedroom for hospital equipment. Please could you take two chairs and six boxes to the goodwill on Saturday morning?
So, next question: what sort of help with your mother's care are you expecting/hoping for?
They have probably told her a million and one excuses. Sad but true.
Maybe they would help or would pay for help if asked. If not asked, then they can't read minds.
Have you asked them?
It’s very hard. I went through it too.
Is she living in your house or is she in her own home?
Do you have any outside help in caring for your mom?