My mother is diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. She has 3 sons and 1 daughter (me). Why don't my brothers want to help care for her?

dear gloria, i'm sending lots of hugs to you (and to your mother!! i wish her well!!), and to everyone here on the forum. i decided today to register and become a member, hoping i can give you hope and courage!

regarding the actual topic of why brothers don't help...
i'm sure it's different from family to family. all sorts of backgrounds.
BUT -- i feel, often, it has nothing to do with boy/girl (gender).
it's simply this:
some people are more selfish than others. some daughters/sons have NO conscience. they really don't. they feel zero guilt for not helping. and they love it that someone else is helping! and they don't mind at all, if this destroys your life along the way. some might even want, take pleasure, in the fact that it's destroying your life (if it is). anyone with a conscience (i'm talking about adult children who were not abused, who were loved by their parents), anyone with a conscience would automatically ask, "how can i help? how are you doing, sister/brother/primary caregiver? thank you so much for taking so good care of our parents. i can't help much, but let me at least do X, Y, Z. would that help out? what's the best way forward now, taking into account our parents' lives, your life, our lives?"...

they don't help, because you're helping.
and because you have a conscience, of course, you won't abandon your parents.

i have to say 1 thing though...
maybe sometimes it's good (i mean of course it's terrible to be in such a situation...terrible for the parents, the caregiver, etc.)...but maybe it's good, in the sense that maybe it's good to see someone's TRUE NATURE. better to know now, how one's sister/brother really is.

i also want to say, thank you to this forum in general. i read many posts. it helped me a lot.

i wish everyone taking care of their parents, a lot of strength, love, and i hope your parent/parents are ok!!! we do our best. we love our best, and try to keep our parents healthy, happy, joyful for as looong as possible :).

wishing everyone a wonderful xmas and soon happy new year 2021!!! may all your xmas and new year wishes come true!! :)

As far as brothers are concerned, after they've been unwilling to help, and it's too late anyway, don't be surprised if they think of all sorts of ways you could have done better.

Don't mean to be cynical (speaking from experience). Just forewarning you so you won't get hurt all over again. Don't let them guilt you in any way. Don't think of things you might have done differently. You deserve a hero's medal for taking on all the work and sacrifice alone. Your mom has been blessed to have you for a daughter.

Sadly GloriaKB40, this IS a common song sung on this forum.

We can't answer that question for you, as those of us in the same boat don't really understand the why of it all.

If you have asked for help and they refuse or ignore, they likely won't help. I know I've asked my brothers to help. Most of the help was them helping themselves to what they wanted from her condo. The rest will be helping themselves to whatever is left in the trust when she's gone!

In your case, there are a few options:
1) Ask (again) for help
2) Be specific in what help you want
3) If they refuse, you can ask why

Asking for help, even if already tried, can't hurt. If they won't, then drop it. You will waste time and energy trying to get what they won't give. Any anger you feel will only affect you, not them, so if it's a no go, move on to something that WILL help you, such as hiring some help, if her assets permit (her assets should pay for help, not yours.)

Being specific about what they can do to help might work. As others noted, sometimes they just don't think, and therefore can't figure it out. I've often said, and will continue to say, I think I'm the only one in the family who got any brains! Most likely I would steer away from asking help with any "personal" care, such as changing briefs or bathing - that might seem a bit icky to them. Start small and if you get some assistance, work your way up to additional tasks. Bringing (or having delivered) supplies would save you time. If there's yard work to be done, they might be willing to do that. Sitting with her for a while, so you can have a break, at least for a few hours in a day once in a while wouldn't kill them. Maintenance work on the home (this and yard work are out if she's in an apartment.) Preparing or buying a takeout meal from a restaurant would eliminate making one meal. Little things can add up.

If they continue to refuse or ignore, you can ask them why. You may never get an answer, but at least you asked.

Me, I'm done with these two clowns. Now that mom has had a stroke and is on hospice, there really isn't anything we can do. I still have to manage everything and ensure she's cared for. Those two don't even ask how she is. F'ers. She wasn't the greatest mother in the world, but she wasn't the worst either. She's still a person, and she's still our mother. The least they could do, they don't do.

As far as I'm concerned, I am an only child. They'll get their "share" when the time comes (after I take the exec fee that is!), then >snip< no more ties!

You are here now, so you have many caring sisters AND brothers to support you, offer suggestions, give hugs, etc. We may not be able to physically help you, but sometimes that pat on the back or hug means a lot!

It is sad how often this happens. When one sibling is stuck with all the care and responsibility of an elderly parent, it feels like they might as well be an only child.
My 2 brothers lived far away so of course I understood that they were unable for hands on care, but that doesn't mean that they couldn't help in other ways, like financial or moral support. One brother is a born again christian and the youngest was the Golden Child. Both were my father's favorites all my life. Our parents hardly ever heard from BAC. At least GC called nearly every Sunday to say hi. Neither gave me any emotional support when I was overwhelmed with caregiving and health issues of my own. They just didn't even want to hear that the folks were declining, etc. The one time that I asked for a bit of financial assistance to help with their parents, BAC answered with how little they had saved up for their retirement. GC never answered my email at al,l but the following day, we saw his wife had posted on her Facebook that they bought a boat - a freaking boat! I felt abandoned and resented their carefree lives when I had no life at all. Now my caregiving is done and I am settling the estate as Trustee and when that's done, they will never hear from me again. If it wasn't for me, there would be no assets left to distribute, so they'll get their 1/3 and then I am done with my entire dysfunctional family! I never had kids and I changed my will/trust last year. I removed them and my nieces on hubby's side will get everything. My Greatest regret is that I didn't go no contact/sever ties many years ago. I could have saved myself so much heartache.
Best of luck in caring for your mother. I hope she appreciates all you have sacrificed for her.

As others have said, give them specific ways in which they can help, I do that with my brother when it comes to our dad. "When you come down on Saturday, please put the fountain and outdoor refrigerator away for the winter" works a lot better than "Dad could use some help with outdoor work, call him." Because inevitably, dad always says 'That's okay, I can do it' so what happens? Nothing, my brother figures he isn't needed.

My brother will gladly help but he needs direction. Maybe your brothers do, too.

Just to throw in a thought on males as caregivers. When my parents have been in the hospital, they often had male nurses taking care of them --male RNs, LPNs, and CNAs. I must admit, I was initially surprised at the number of male nurses. ALL of the nurses, male and female, provided excellent care, so I don't think care-giving ability is determined by gender.

She is a woman and has terminal colon cancer. That is a dirty, ugly disease and it is highly uncomfortable for a man to step in with helping. I would lay the law down that all must help and if they don't, then all must share in the cost of a caretaker. Otherwise she will need to be placed somewhere. It is not right the this all falls on you and it will cause you severe problems if this is not immediately rectified. Good luck.

Gloria,
I can totally understand what you feel like.I am in the same situation as you. I have 1 brother and 2 sisters that do nothing practical to help Mum. I help Mum with everything and see her everyday. I have asked my siblings for help, my older sister told me “ I’m not Mums carer”. But neither am I. I look after Mum because she’s my Mother and she needs me. I have a young family and a job. I want to study but I can’t afford the time away from Mum. My Mums house is clean and tidy, in fact spotless. Mum has clean sheets and towels every other day. The shopping is done on Monday along with meal preparation for the week. I make sure the little things like salt/ pepper filled,and coffee/ tea / sugar in the canisters are done. There is a stockpile of things to use when an item runs out, toilet paper / soap / washing powder etc. I buy fresh milk and bread every second day. Mums bills are paid up to date. I take her to the library on Monday and to her hair dressing appointment on Friday every week. I take Mum to her Doctors, Specialists, Podiatrist, Optometrist and Dentist appointments. I buy and wrap all birthday and Christmas presents for her to give to the family and make sure she has cards to write when she needs them in her drawer. I make sure she has fresh flowers on her table every Thursday and that her plants inside and outside are watered. Her birdbath is always filled with water. I take her every two weeks on a Tuesday to a department complex so she can go clothes / shoe shopping and have lunch out at a cafe. I will spend one night fortnight overnight for a girls movie night. I have taken her on three vacations this year for a week each.
I am a Registered Nurse and work night shift, I do all this for Mum while I should be sleeping. My house is a unorganised mess, I am exhausted but I take my son to school everyday and pick him up. My husband always has dinner on the table when he gets home from work.
Goodluck Gloria, Get your whip out or let it be. I know how you feel Sister!
I know I’m not going to have my beautiful precious Mother forever, so I choose my Mother, my siblings are the ones missing out.
Susan

Unfortunately, care-giving is usually considered the responsibility of daughters, not sons. Much as we think women are "emancipated" or "empowered" it is not always true... especially if care-giving involves such personal assistance as bathing, toileting, dressing. Your brothers probably have not even given it much thought. They've just taken it for granted that caring for your mother would not be their responsibility as long as they had a sister.
I don't know your family situation, but you need to mention to them SPECIFIC ways they can help e.g. taking her shopping or for business or banking appointments, handling some heavier household cleaning and/or maintenance for her, staying with her when you need time to meet obligations of your own. And how about them taking her to visit them in THEIR homes. They will not think of these things on their own. You need to remind them that she is their mother, too. And sometimes sons can influence mom to accept things that she might otherwise object to...take advantage of this. Maybe you can say things like, "maybe you could talk to mom about..." Be creative. Make brothers feel that they are important to her well-being. That may help.

This is most likely cultural. Most older women do not want men - husbands included - to help with their most intimate care issues. They expect other women to care for them no matter what the problem. Most adult children in loving families want to help, as they each are able, with their parents.

So the real question is, "How can I get help with mom's care?" Let your family, friends, member from your faith community.... know what kinds of help you need: grocery shopping, buying supplies or medications. housecleaning, home health care aide for a couple of hours for a couple of days every week, visits with mom while you run errands... Don't be offended if they offer to pay for services rather than do a task themselves. If you need help, let them help however they can. The goal is to get mom cared for and for you not to burn out in the process.

Think about how boys were raised then.

The old fashioned mothers felt that boys and men were to be served and raised them to feel entitled.

Girls and women were taught to nurture. We were taught to be servants.

There were a few exceptions here and there. My precious mother in law was the opposite of my mom and most women of that era.

My mom spoiled my brothers. My mother in law taught her sons to be self sufficient and responsible.

All of my brothers divorced several times! My mother in law taught her sons to respect women and her sons are great husbands and fathers.

I made a point to thank my mother in law for raising my husband to be a wonderful husband and father!

My mother in law responded by saying, “Oh, that was easy! I did the opposite of what my mother in law did. My husband didn’t know how to do a thing and expected me to wait on him hand and foot. It took awhile to deprogram him! I swore that our sons would never be helpless like their father! So, I taught them all the basics to know how to take care of themselves.”

My mother in law was a gem. She broke unhealthy cycles.

Sadly, she died many years ago far too young, age 68 with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Imho, I've seen this occur all too often where one adult kid gets to perform the caregiving duties for the parent. Prayers sent.

I hate to say it, but what you’re going through is normal. I saw this working as a hospice social worker on a consistent basis. In family systems, one of the children tends to be the one that over functions while the rest under functions. Males rarely perceive themselves as caregivers often leaving it to the females. Males generally speaking do not process emotions effectively and usually eschew any discomfort by avoidance, leaving you alone to deal with all of it.

Not knowing your situation, I am just guessing here about some things you can try. First of all, who has power of attorney? If you have it you’re in good shape. You have the power to make medical and financial decisions such as hiring home care support and other staff and using your mother’s resources to pay for it if she has resources. Your brothers may get agitated because of lost revenue but they have an option to help. They may also have limitations due to employment. Do they? If you don’t have POA, then negotiate with your brother who does and work out support plans that give you time off, outside help, or even have your brothers run errands if they can’t/won’t do the “hands on”care. I have seen siblings fly in for a few days for respite relief for a caregiver. I have also seen respite stays for 48 hours or more in an assisted living center where you can get a break. If they are totally heartless and you sense you physical and mental health may be at risk, then you need to push for some time in a facility. If you set a firm boundary, even when it’s the last straw to call Adult Protective Services, to at least give you time off, you may see your brothers begin to respond. You have to create enough heat to get them to move. You also might call an elder care attorney and ask for a consult. If your mother has cancer, she may qualify for hospice and consultations/assessments are free. People don’t call hospice soon enough. Hospice also supports the family and will help you with your situation. Medicare pays for the Hospice Benefit.

Again, since I don’t know your situation, I’m just pulling at strings.

Blessings in your holy understating of caring for your mom while attempting to care for yourself.

I think it is the generation they were raised in. When I was a child, I am 66 now so this was the 60’s, my sister and I did the dishes, helped with meals, cleaned the house, and made the beds. My brothers emptied the trash. That's all they had to do, empty the trash once a week while my sister and I had daily tasks that included making our brothers beds.

Years later my ,other told me that she should have made the boys do more but my father objected. Fast forward 50 years and guess who is dealing with elderly parental issues?

Gloria:

I work with abused/neglected children.

It is very common for a parent to favor only one child and mistreat one or all of the others.

Perhaps your mother was not a good mother to your brothers.

Have you asked them why they are not interested in helping their mother?

You may be surprised by the answer.

If a mother is a good mother to a child, makes that child feel wanted and loved and treated fairly, than that child, as an adult, will want to help the parent when they are ill.

If the parent was neglectful, abusive or made the child feel as if they were a burden than it is a normal human reaction to not want to help that parent when he/she becomes ill and a burden.

In my experience, it is rare that a son that has been treated well will not step up to help a parent in need.

If your mother was actually a good mother to them, then they may have another reason, or perhaps they are just selfish.

If they are selfish, there is nothing you can say that will change them.

You can only change your reaction to them.

because you are a daughter (in nature we are caring) and that’s what makes us special. Enjoy your blessing of being able to help your mom, you will never have regrets, forget your brothers and never compare yourself with them. It will only make you unhappy. Just pretend you are the only child to your mom and don’t even bother asking them for help.

There used to be a poster on here a long time ago.

He took care of his mom. He was an only child.

When he would see posts about siblings not helping one another, or not being supportive of each other, he would post that he was very happy to be an only child rather than have siblings that didn’t help.

I never forgot his post. I found it to be insightful and heartfelt.

Many times I would have liked being an only child rather than to struggle doing everything alone plus dealing with the additional stress with siblings!

You need support. From my view the most important issue is your mom; if she listens to you then you are actually in a better place than most, if she doesn’t then you need help and it’s understandable that you would want to start with help from your family.

If your mom listens:
1)     Come to an agreement with your mom on your compensation (track hours, mileage, any costs, and detail activities) if she can afford it and have a chat with your brothers.  
2)     Identify resources (start at state level programs) and contact them. Find out what your mom is eligible for (aging and disabilities) and start using it.
3)     Get your POA’s (or guardianship if her mental decline is sufficient), medical coverage/living Will, financial/budget, etc., in order.  Talk to her doctor.
4)     See if you can improve/simplify the home situation and make it more manageable for upkeep, care, mobility, safety. Consider assisted living options (and what happens as she degrades) and identify what would happen if you mom needs long term care (usually not covered unless you are on Medicaid).
5)     Have a nice chat with your brothers, focus initially on easy to do tasks they can help you with. Hopefully that opens the door for more involvement and help on their part. 

If your mom doesn’t listen:
1)     Go straight to your brothers and lay it all out. The state allows seniors to make “mistakes” but that can make it impossible for you to make progress and take advantage of various resources. Hopefully a united front will improve the situation; if not hopefully you’ve laid the groundwork for the mutually decided next steps. 
2)     The great comment SwampOphelia had about the brothers also applies to you mom.  If she and your brothers can’t work with you then you should work with state resources to find a caregiver option that helps you maintain your sanity and lets you visit as a daughter.   

I was unsuccessful with my mom; she died from a fall in a cluttered/unclean house. If a person is smart, stubborn, and has enablers it can become almost impossible to help them... I wish you the best of luck.

Don't expect your brothers to provide hands-on help. Give them a choice: hands-on care a certain number of hours a week or contribute a certain amount of money for hired help. If you cannot enforce that brothers choose one or the other, go with Grandma1954's advice to use any resources (Social Security? Pension? the HOuse?) your mother has toward her care. Brothers would be helping pay by "contributing" some of their future inheritance.

Start using moms assets to pay for her care. That is what she saved for.
I am sure all of the siblings will inherit equally so spending her money for her care is only fair as it will be equal across the board. (technically if she is living with you you could also "charge" her for a portion of the household expenses. (example 5 people living in the house you could "charge" her 1/5 of the total household expenses. This includes mortgage, any bills...)
If you expect nothing from your brothers you will not be disappointed! By expecting them to step up it does nothing but fuel frustration, anger, resentment so stop expecting something you are not going to get.

that's pretty normal--usually one person is stuck doing all the work. But after she dies they will be circling like vultures for a piece of the money pie.

Princess1954, does your mother want to see your brother?

If not, or she seems unconcerned, then let it go. I can tell you from personal experience, too, that the relief of leaving people behind once no parent binds you together any more is wonderful.

If your mother does want to see him, then bear with me; because you have provided a classic example of why caregivers don't get a response from family. You sent a long, heartfelt letter, you pleaded with him to come by once in a while, take them out once in a while. Possibly, your letter might have generated passing good intentions; but they passed, and nothing happened, and as time went on it became more difficult for your brother to make up for his inaction. So he didn't do anything.

To get a result, don't write a long letter. Call, text or email the equivalent of: "your mother wants to see you. Between eleven a.m. and one p.m. is her best time of day, and this weekend would suit me, but if you can't manage that then let's make an actual date please. Thanks, Sister."

I think we get this question as often as any other: "Why won't my sibling help". As it isn't the sibling writing we cannot know the answers, and likely they have unique answers, one and all. The point is that they are not helping you, and I assume you have asked them if they are able to provide help. Be as specific as you can when asking, for instance "Could you get and deliver food for us this week". "Anyone on for a casserole train to help us with meals once a week?" "Who can take Mom to her appointment Friday?" If not, first try that. Might you consider a family conference in which you call all together and tell them where you are, what you feel, what you need, and tell them that you simply need to know if you are alone in this, or if they are able to help you in specific ways.
That failing, I think you are stuck with the fact that you are alone in this as though you had no siblings. They may believe, in fact, that it would be better were Mom placed in care where she can receive care and you can have your own life. We are all different and the only certainty is that we cannot control the beliefs and actions of others. I am so sorry you feel alone in this, because often the feeling of being so "alone" is worse than almost anything. A supporting word is such a comfort. I wish you luck and I am so very sorry your Mom is going through all of this.

Some people simply won't step up to the plate. You'll never really know if it's only that they don't want to, can't do personal things for others, can't stand to see the person decline, or if they have a spouse that creates too much havoc for them to handle the duty.. You'll get all kinds of excuses, but I don't think you ever really understand because you've become the designated caregiver only because you started doing it.

Maybe try a family conversation to see if you can get any kind of insight. If it's the personal hygiene issue - they can at least do a turn at staying in the home while you arrange a private hire caretaker to come in several times a day, If the answer from all is a firm 'no', then talk about siblings paying for in home care that she needs. There's 4 of you to divide time with. Make a calendar to split up each month and ask them to figure out coverage for their days.

Another option is to figure out things they could do to help you and mom at the same time. Provide daily meals, clean the house, wash clothes, pick up groceries or misc items you need. Hand them a calendar to claim their days.

If you get no where with that, you'll get no where with them for anything and you're just banging your own head on the wall. You'll be the only one with a headache, frustrated, and angry. Figure out what mom's finances can afford to help YOU. If she has money, use it to hire caregivers. Talk to an elder attorney to set up payments for you to be paid as caregiver (they can help you set it up legally to avoid mistakes) and maybe you won't need the part time job. Talk to mom about signing documents you are going to need - personal and medical powers of attorney, will, documents that transfer bank accounts to you upon death - so you can handle all of her business properly. There is a document some call Lady Bird Deed (trans upon death) that can be written up for her house to transfer to you and/or siblings upon death. It's hard enough to be a caregiver - so get anything to make the paperwork process easier for you. If she is of sound mind now, do all this immediately before there is mental decline.

More often than not, those siblings who do absolutely nothing, for whatever reason, are usually standing in line for the final handout or they are already asking about it. Some will guilt the only caregiver into continuing the duty at home in order to 'save' the inheritance. You need to be more in charge of what is left and what gets spent for her medical needs since you're doing the hard work now. Sorry you're having to go through this anger stage with the siblings. It's hard enough to deal with declining parent and then find out siblings can't even toss you a lifeline, but it happens all too often.

Not sure how comfortable your Mom is with brothers performing the more private & intimate duties of caregiving ? I know my Dad was that way about even me as the middle son doing those duties. Part of it too, the embarrassments when there is accidental/uncontrolled urination and defecation involved. That seems to be an issue for the older generations, it might be for any patient. Let's face it, at least in the USA, people are generally very private about showers, dressing, their private healthcare patient-doctor privileges.

As for the brothers, if they aren't willing to help your Mom out, that is a problem though, that is for the less private & personal issues. In my case, whether it was Mom or Dad, I was more than willing to do what they wanted me to do as long as it didn't upset either. I recall after my Mom's initial stroke, she needed to go to the bathroom, her sister/my aunt did that assisting. Both my Aunt & Dad were capable and for Mom, her sister/my aunt was the more personal tasks caregiver, while Dad was backup for that. Dad did a lot of other tasks. So it wasn't like he wasn't doing anything, it just appeared the more personal & private matters that need to be attended to was handled by my Aunt.

There are so many reasons why children do not help out with an aging parent. If you want to know, you need to ask...not assume they will volunteer. But you also have to be willing to accept their answer.

4 children growing up in a household could have 4 very different childhoods. They may not have the same relationship with mom that you did. My father was the fun uncle. My cousins thought the world of him. As a father he was lacking. I carry a lot of resentment. I was not abused but he put everyone before me. Then when all these people disappeared I was suddenly the most important person in his life. It was 40 years too late.

Some people just cannot do hands on caregiving. I was willing to make sure my father was safe and cared for....but it wasn't going to be by me or in my house. I was mortified on the few occasions I had to help him in the bathroom and required my son's assistance as it was a two person job.

Your brothers may just have too much on their plate that they cannot take on any more. Sure calling your mother or running an occasional errand should be something they could do but I have a feeling you are looking for a lot more help. Others have suggested that they help financially. I make a good salary but I don't have funds to give away to take care of someone else. Does you mom have the funds to hire caregivers? Ultimately this is her responsibility.

When my father started to decline I had a full time job, a part time job and two pre-teen kids, a house, pets.....and he ran me ragged for over a year be fore I got smart enough to start saying NO. The problem is it is never enough. I didn't mind helping with things he couldn't do but it morphs into things he doesn't feel like doing. He forgets I have a job and calls me at work to fix his remote....right now! Couldn't understand why I couldn't stop by after work as I had to pick up the kids from after-care. He expected me to find someone else to do that so his wants were met. Luckily he decided on his own to go into assisted living. He assumed he would be catered to in there...he was wrong.

Posters have said your siblings are choosing not to help and that is exactly right. Just as you are choosing to help. You get to make choices for yourself but you cannot do that for others.

Another poster said your siblings should be asking you what needs to be done...not you asking for help. They don't need to ask because nothing needs to be done....you are doing it all. If you need help you have to ask. And yes with men you really need to be specific.

If you need help you have to reach out and ask. I asked cousins to call my father every so often. And they did until they realized he no longer understood phone calls and told me they would no longer do that. I understood.

My end suggestion...if you need help...ask but be very specific in what you need.

Just know that caregivers usually end up doing it alone. I am sure that you have read many posts on this page where people state that they are the only caregiver, and their family members have fallen away and disappeared. And yes, it always seems to be the female sibling that does all of the work.

Your brothers are either lazy, don't care or maybe they just feel unsure and not capable of knowing how to help out your mom.

Have a meeting with your brothers all at one time or one in one and Tell your brothers that you understand their not helping out physically but you are not able to do it all and need help.

Beffort the meeting, figure out the amount of hours in a day that your mom needs help then divide it by 4 since you said it was you and 3 brothers.

Then take those amount of hours and multiply $10-$12 an hour that it will cost to hire a Caregiver and tell each brother they need to pay that amount daily for her care.

Say your mom needs 12 hrs of help during a 24 hr day and that means that each of the 4 siblings are responsible for 4 of those hrs each.

They can work the 4 hrs a day or pay for a Caregiver 4 hrs a day.

If your mom only needs 8 hrs of help then that drops it to all siblings work 2 hrs a day or pay for 2 hrs a day for care.

Could part of it be that the siblings are afraid they will be expected to help in tasks that are too "intimate" or they might see their mother naked? Is it possible they feel they might have to treat their mother as if she were a child, which bothers them?

In any case, I agree that asking them would be a reasonable step. Sometimes just a bit of initiative can be richly rewarded.

As an example, on an unrelated issue, my parents used to wonder why they never heard from a relative although they had sent him cards each year--they wondered if they had offended him in some way, was he embarrassed about something (such as whether his wife, who was never thin, had gained even more weight). I got tired of hearing this, so I called the relative (my mother's only cousin), and found he was happy to hear from us, but he and his daughter (who lived with him, and his wife had died) simply "weren't into" sending cards, driving long distances to visit, etc. but were very pleasant and kind. It just took someone to go "break the ice" only to find there really wasn't any ice, and now we keep in touch and I visit most years.

They don't help because you are doing the job. Why would they?