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I am caring for my mother Gloria, who is 79 years old, living at home with age-related decline, arthritis, cancer, depression, and mobility problems. I'm working part time, taking care of my mother, and not being helped by my family.

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Are they willing to pay for hired caregiving help? Some people are just too squeamish to do physical caregiving. Could you ask them to help in other ways?
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I am so sorry that you are caring for your mom without any help from your brothers.

It’s very hard. I went through it too.

Is she living in your house or is she in her own home?

Do you have any outside help in caring for your mom?
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"Why don't my brothers what to help care for her?"

Have you asked them?
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Polar,

They have probably told her a million and one excuses. Sad but true.
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polarbear Dec 2020
NHWM, I don't know that. OP wants to know why her brothers don't want to do something. It makes more sense for her to ask them directly. She didn't say they gave her excuses. Maybe she didn't ask, and was hoping they would just offer.

Maybe they would help or would pay for help if asked. If not asked, then they can't read minds.
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Probably because they don't know what to do.

Warning: casual sexism ahead. I'm being practical to save time.

In my experience of men, if you ask them to do a specific thing with a specific goal they are happy bunnies and will go to the ends of the earth to help (unless they have some particular reason to refuse).

E.g. compare the following:

Mother needs more support at home. [tumbleweeds]
versus
I'm clearing mother's spare bedroom for hospital equipment. Please could you take two chairs and six boxes to the goodwill on Saturday morning?

So, next question: what sort of help with your mother's care are you expecting/hoping for?
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MaryKathleen Dec 2020
You got it!
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Good questions asked below. Can you answer some of them?
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I have no doubt that my sister loved our mom but she would never have stepped in the way I did and I have no doubt she would have place her in a NH instead. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, in fact I would say that very few people are.
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My brother LIVED with my parents and didn't help with my mom. When he finally got his own place again (a mile away), my dad offered to do his laundry for him just to got him to come by once a week. I came up to spend the day with them every week from my home an hour away.

Now my dad is gone and my mom is in a nursing home near me. I did seven months of going to see her twice a week at the first nursing home near her old neighborhood, but the drive was killing me and surprise -- my brother wasn't ever visiting unless I was there. I moved her close to me in July 2019, and he's been to see her exactly four times -- each time because I told him to and never just one-on-one with her. Her slowness, her dementia, and her deafness frustrate him.

I finally figured it out, though. He can't handle old people. He wants everyone to be like they used to be, and he just can't deal with infirmities.

I think you should follow the advice below (above?) and flat-out ask them why they don't help, then give them specific things to do if they say they're willing.

When people let me down in one way or another, I tell myself that people do what they can do. They can usually do more if they tried, but most aren't willing. I do what I can do for my mom, and it just happens to be more than what my brother can or will do. I don't sweat it.
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The way I look at it, which may ruffle some feathers, is that the siblings are not helping because they are CHOOSING to avoid and/or to not help. They are adults. They know they have parents. They know that people age and decompensate and eventually die.

When someone says to a caregiver, "Did you ask your siblings for help," it can actually be a way of, yet again, putting a burden on the caregiver, and giving the siblings a "pass" from adulthood.

In my opinion, it's up to each individual adult to have what relationship they want -- if any -- with their parents. If they wanted to be active in mom's care in any way, they would be, whether it be just calling to chat with mom, picking up some groceries, or saying to the caregiver, "Yes, I am a responsible adult, but I have absolutely no idea what mom needs. Tell me something to do."

I think the real question in this is "Why are they CHOOSING not to help?" If you want to know the answer to this question, you'd have to ask them. "I didn't know mom needed help" is not the root answer. "I didn't help because you didn't ask" is deflecting and blaming.

I'm not putting any judgment on anyone's honest answer as to why they aren't helping their parents. Their answer is their answer, and sometimes people have a very healthy reason for not helping their parents. But, caregivers have enough to do already without being blamed for siblings inaction because they didn't ask siblings to help.

Now, if caregivers choose, they can ask siblings to help mom, and siblings just may decide to help. Everyone may even end up forming a good caregiving team. But, unfortunately, this often isn't the outcome when you ask someone to do something.

I realize sometimes some caregivers do actively work to prevent family from knowing about and helping their loved ones. But, that's a different topic in itself, and not what we're talking about here.

I also realize that sometimes caregivers and siblings have different definitions of "help." If the caregiver is going to talk to siblings about "helping mom", it would be a good idea for the caregiver to name specific tasks that she considers "help." Hopefully, everyone will end up working together for the good of mom and family, but be prepared for definitions, expectations, and people to clash. The phrase, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst" may come in handy when considering a talk with siblings.

Something that helps me deal with my similar situation is that I remind myself that I am not responsible for my siblings actions or inactions. I am not responsible for managing my siblings relationship with our parents. They need to make, or attempt to make, whatever relationship they want with them. I did take steps to give my siblings information about our parents when their health started going downhill. It's up to siblings to do what they want with that information.

I have to do for my parents what my personal values have me do for my parents. I also have to remind myself that my siblings may have -- and have a right to have -- different values and circumstances than I have. And, as much as I may want to, I can't make someone change or force somebody to do something.

I remind myself of these things quite often. I still have a lot of rough days, but sometimes these thoughts help to take the edge off.
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InFamilyService Dec 2020
Beautifully written, well said. When my parents and a beloved aunt began to decline I chose to reach out to my 3 adult daughters. At the time my two brothers were estranged from the family for many years. My sister was trying to recover from Covid. If the siblings do not offer help, ask for specific duties to be completed or they can help pay for sitters.
I sent an email listing in detail a few suggestions that would fit in with their busy lives raising young children and working. Items such as phone calls, cards and pictures of the great grandchildren. Occasionally dropping off a meal even take out means a lot. The elders appreciated not being forgotten.
I also realized that I could not provide caregiving alone and then hired part time sitters. I complete many tasks online such as medication home delivery and groceries. Moving my mom to a visiting physician service was huge since she has mobility issues. My aunt's physician will make some house calls. I keep sitters and family updated with emails as situations change.
Every little bit helps a lot! It takes a village.
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They don't help because you are doing the job. Why would they?
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Could part of it be that the siblings are afraid they will be expected to help in tasks that are too "intimate" or they might see their mother naked? Is it possible they feel they might have to treat their mother as if she were a child, which bothers them?

In any case, I agree that asking them would be a reasonable step. Sometimes just a bit of initiative can be richly rewarded.

As an example, on an unrelated issue, my parents used to wonder why they never heard from a relative although they had sent him cards each year--they wondered if they had offended him in some way, was he embarrassed about something (such as whether his wife, who was never thin, had gained even more weight). I got tired of hearing this, so I called the relative (my mother's only cousin), and found he was happy to hear from us, but he and his daughter (who lived with him, and his wife had died) simply "weren't into" sending cards, driving long distances to visit, etc. but were very pleasant and kind. It just took someone to go "break the ice" only to find there really wasn't any ice, and now we keep in touch and I visit most years.
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Your brothers are either lazy, don't care or maybe they just feel unsure and not capable of knowing how to help out your mom.

Have a meeting with your brothers all at one time or one in one and Tell your brothers that you understand their not helping out physically but you are not able to do it all and need help.

Beffort the meeting, figure out the amount of hours in a day that your mom needs help then divide it by 4 since you said it was you and 3 brothers.

Then take those amount of hours and multiply $10-$12 an hour that it will cost to hire a Caregiver and tell each brother they need to pay that amount daily for her care.

Say your mom needs 12 hrs of help during a 24 hr day and that means that each of the 4 siblings are responsible for 4 of those hrs each.

They can work the 4 hrs a day or pay for a Caregiver 4 hrs a day.

If your mom only needs 8 hrs of help then that drops it to all siblings work 2 hrs a day or pay for 2 hrs a day for care.
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JD654321 Dec 2020
I would update the hourly rate to the industry standard (at least where I'm from) which is $25-$30 per hour if hiring through an agency.
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Just know that caregivers usually end up doing it alone. I am sure that you have read many posts on this page where people state that they are the only caregiver, and their family members have fallen away and disappeared. And yes, it always seems to be the female sibling that does all of the work.
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Princess1954 Dec 2020
Yep! It’s usually the daughter. I had a colleague at work who has 5 siblings. Not a one helped her care for their elderly, sick mother. When their mother was dying in the hospital, my colleague called all her brothers and sisters. Not a one came in to say goodbye to their mother.

But here is the good news. I have a client who gave up a tenured position at a university to take care of his mom. He told me that after she died, he felt very satisfied that he had made the sacrifice and that he was actually sorry that he had not given up his tenured position sooner. How about that?!
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There are so many reasons why children do not help out with an aging parent. If you want to know, you need to ask...not assume they will volunteer. But you also have to be willing to accept their answer.

4 children growing up in a household could have 4 very different childhoods. They may not have the same relationship with mom that you did. My father was the fun uncle. My cousins thought the world of him. As a father he was lacking. I carry a lot of resentment. I was not abused but he put everyone before me. Then when all these people disappeared I was suddenly the most important person in his life. It was 40 years too late.

Some people just cannot do hands on caregiving. I was willing to make sure my father was safe and cared for....but it wasn't going to be by me or in my house. I was mortified on the few occasions I had to help him in the bathroom and required my son's assistance as it was a two person job.

Your brothers may just have too much on their plate that they cannot take on any more. Sure calling your mother or running an occasional errand should be something they could do but I have a feeling you are looking for a lot more help. Others have suggested that they help financially. I make a good salary but I don't have funds to give away to take care of someone else. Does you mom have the funds to hire caregivers? Ultimately this is her responsibility.

When my father started to decline I had a full time job, a part time job and two pre-teen kids, a house, pets.....and he ran me ragged for over a year be fore I got smart enough to start saying NO. The problem is it is never enough. I didn't mind helping with things he couldn't do but it morphs into things he doesn't feel like doing. He forgets I have a job and calls me at work to fix his remote....right now! Couldn't understand why I couldn't stop by after work as I had to pick up the kids from after-care. He expected me to find someone else to do that so his wants were met. Luckily he decided on his own to go into assisted living. He assumed he would be catered to in there...he was wrong.

Posters have said your siblings are choosing not to help and that is exactly right. Just as you are choosing to help. You get to make choices for yourself but you cannot do that for others.

Another poster said your siblings should be asking you what needs to be done...not you asking for help. They don't need to ask because nothing needs to be done....you are doing it all. If you need help you have to ask. And yes with men you really need to be specific.

If you need help you have to reach out and ask. I asked cousins to call my father every so often. And they did until they realized he no longer understood phone calls and told me they would no longer do that. I understood.

My end suggestion...if you need help...ask but be very specific in what you need.
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Princess1954 Dec 2020
I asked my brother numerous times. I begged in a long letter. “Just take the folks out for dinner once in a while. Visit once in a while, and bring a loaf of bread, grapes, a pound cake.” The response? No response. Passive aggressive. When my father died, my brother went to the movies that day. Now at 98 my mom is hanging on thru cardiac failure. It’s a slow death. It’s all up to me and my beloved husband. I keep the lines of communication open with my brother for my mother’s sake. However, when she goes, I’ll be so done with my brother. Have absolutely no respect for him.
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Not sure how comfortable your Mom is with brothers performing the more private & intimate duties of caregiving ? I know my Dad was that way about even me as the middle son doing those duties. Part of it too, the embarrassments when there is accidental/uncontrolled urination and defecation involved. That seems to be an issue for the older generations, it might be for any patient. Let's face it, at least in the USA, people are generally very private about showers, dressing, their private healthcare patient-doctor privileges.

As for the brothers, if they aren't willing to help your Mom out, that is a problem though, that is for the less private & personal issues. In my case, whether it was Mom or Dad, I was more than willing to do what they wanted me to do as long as it didn't upset either. I recall after my Mom's initial stroke, she needed to go to the bathroom, her sister/my aunt did that assisting. Both my Aunt & Dad were capable and for Mom, her sister/my aunt was the more personal tasks caregiver, while Dad was backup for that. Dad did a lot of other tasks. So it wasn't like he wasn't doing anything, it just appeared the more personal & private matters that need to be attended to was handled by my Aunt.
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Some people simply won't step up to the plate. You'll never really know if it's only that they don't want to, can't do personal things for others, can't stand to see the person decline, or if they have a spouse that creates too much havoc for them to handle the duty.. You'll get all kinds of excuses, but I don't think you ever really understand because you've become the designated caregiver only because you started doing it.

Maybe try a family conversation to see if you can get any kind of insight. If it's the personal hygiene issue - they can at least do a turn at staying in the home while you arrange a private hire caretaker to come in several times a day, If the answer from all is a firm 'no', then talk about siblings paying for in home care that she needs. There's 4 of you to divide time with. Make a calendar to split up each month and ask them to figure out coverage for their days.

Another option is to figure out things they could do to help you and mom at the same time. Provide daily meals, clean the house, wash clothes, pick up groceries or misc items you need. Hand them a calendar to claim their days.

If you get no where with that, you'll get no where with them for anything and you're just banging your own head on the wall. You'll be the only one with a headache, frustrated, and angry. Figure out what mom's finances can afford to help YOU. If she has money, use it to hire caregivers. Talk to an elder attorney to set up payments for you to be paid as caregiver (they can help you set it up legally to avoid mistakes) and maybe you won't need the part time job. Talk to mom about signing documents you are going to need - personal and medical powers of attorney, will, documents that transfer bank accounts to you upon death - so you can handle all of her business properly. There is a document some call Lady Bird Deed (trans upon death) that can be written up for her house to transfer to you and/or siblings upon death. It's hard enough to be a caregiver - so get anything to make the paperwork process easier for you. If she is of sound mind now, do all this immediately before there is mental decline.

More often than not, those siblings who do absolutely nothing, for whatever reason, are usually standing in line for the final handout or they are already asking about it. Some will guilt the only caregiver into continuing the duty at home in order to 'save' the inheritance. You need to be more in charge of what is left and what gets spent for her medical needs since you're doing the hard work now. Sorry you're having to go through this anger stage with the siblings. It's hard enough to deal with declining parent and then find out siblings can't even toss you a lifeline, but it happens all too often.
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I think we get this question as often as any other: "Why won't my sibling help". As it isn't the sibling writing we cannot know the answers, and likely they have unique answers, one and all. The point is that they are not helping you, and I assume you have asked them if they are able to provide help. Be as specific as you can when asking, for instance "Could you get and deliver food for us this week". "Anyone on for a casserole train to help us with meals once a week?" "Who can take Mom to her appointment Friday?" If not, first try that. Might you consider a family conference in which you call all together and tell them where you are, what you feel, what you need, and tell them that you simply need to know if you are alone in this, or if they are able to help you in specific ways.
That failing, I think you are stuck with the fact that you are alone in this as though you had no siblings. They may believe, in fact, that it would be better were Mom placed in care where she can receive care and you can have your own life. We are all different and the only certainty is that we cannot control the beliefs and actions of others. I am so sorry you feel alone in this, because often the feeling of being so "alone" is worse than almost anything. A supporting word is such a comfort. I wish you luck and I am so very sorry your Mom is going through all of this.
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Princess1954, does your mother want to see your brother?

If not, or she seems unconcerned, then let it go. I can tell you from personal experience, too, that the relief of leaving people behind once no parent binds you together any more is wonderful.

If your mother does want to see him, then bear with me; because you have provided a classic example of why caregivers don't get a response from family. You sent a long, heartfelt letter, you pleaded with him to come by once in a while, take them out once in a while. Possibly, your letter might have generated passing good intentions; but they passed, and nothing happened, and as time went on it became more difficult for your brother to make up for his inaction. So he didn't do anything.

To get a result, don't write a long letter. Call, text or email the equivalent of: "your mother wants to see you. Between eleven a.m. and one p.m. is her best time of day, and this weekend would suit me, but if you can't manage that then let's make an actual date please. Thanks, Sister."
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that's pretty normal--usually one person is stuck doing all the work. But after she dies they will be circling like vultures for a piece of the money pie.
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Rocky1121 Dec 2020
A little cynical and most cases, not true.
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Start using moms assets to pay for her care. That is what she saved for.
I am sure all of the siblings will inherit equally so spending her money for her care is only fair as it will be equal across the board. (technically if she is living with you you could also "charge" her for a portion of the household expenses. (example 5 people living in the house you could "charge" her 1/5 of the total household expenses. This includes mortgage, any bills...)
If you expect nothing from your brothers you will not be disappointed! By expecting them to step up it does nothing but fuel frustration, anger, resentment so stop expecting something you are not going to get.
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Don't expect your brothers to provide hands-on help. Give them a choice: hands-on care a certain number of hours a week or contribute a certain amount of money for hired help. If you cannot enforce that brothers choose one or the other, go with Grandma1954's advice to use any resources (Social Security? Pension? the HOuse?) your mother has toward her care. Brothers would be helping pay by "contributing" some of their future inheritance.
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You need support. From my view the most important issue is your mom; if she listens to you then you are actually in a better place than most, if she doesn’t then you need help and it’s understandable that you would want to start with help from your family.

If your mom listens:
1)     Come to an agreement with your mom on your compensation (track hours, mileage, any costs, and detail activities) if she can afford it and have a chat with your brothers.  
2)     Identify resources (start at state level programs) and contact them. Find out what your mom is eligible for (aging and disabilities) and start using it.
3)     Get your POA’s (or guardianship if her mental decline is sufficient), medical coverage/living Will, financial/budget, etc., in order.  Talk to her doctor.
4)     See if you can improve/simplify the home situation and make it more manageable for upkeep, care, mobility, safety. Consider assisted living options (and what happens as she degrades) and identify what would happen if you mom needs long term care (usually not covered unless you are on Medicaid).
5)     Have a nice chat with your brothers, focus initially on easy to do tasks they can help you with. Hopefully that opens the door for more involvement and help on their part. 

If your mom doesn’t listen:
1)     Go straight to your brothers and lay it all out. The state allows seniors to make “mistakes” but that can make it impossible for you to make progress and take advantage of various resources. Hopefully a united front will improve the situation; if not hopefully you’ve laid the groundwork for the mutually decided next steps. 
2)     The great comment SwampOphelia had about the brothers also applies to you mom.  If she and your brothers can’t work with you then you should work with state resources to find a caregiver option that helps you maintain your sanity and lets you visit as a daughter.   

I was unsuccessful with my mom; she died from a fall in a cluttered/unclean house. If a person is smart, stubborn, and has enablers it can become almost impossible to help them... I wish you the best of luck.
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There used to be a poster on here a long time ago.

He took care of his mom. He was an only child.

When he would see posts about siblings not helping one another, or not being supportive of each other, he would post that he was very happy to be an only child rather than have siblings that didn’t help.

I never forgot his post. I found it to be insightful and heartfelt.

Many times I would have liked being an only child rather than to struggle doing everything alone plus dealing with the additional stress with siblings!
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because you are a daughter (in nature we are caring) and that’s what makes us special. Enjoy your blessing of being able to help your mom, you will never have regrets, forget your brothers and never compare yourself with them. It will only make you unhappy. Just pretend you are the only child to your mom and don’t even bother asking them for help.
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Gloria:

I work with abused/neglected children.

It is very common for a parent to favor only one child and mistreat one or all of the others.

Perhaps your mother was not a good mother to your brothers.

Have you asked them why they are not interested in helping their mother?

You may be surprised by the answer.

If a mother is a good mother to a child, makes that child feel wanted and loved and treated fairly, than that child, as an adult, will want to help the parent when they are ill.

If the parent was neglectful, abusive or made the child feel as if they were a burden than it is a normal human reaction to not want to help that parent when he/she becomes ill and a burden.

In my experience, it is rare that a son that has been treated well will not step up to help a parent in need.

If your mother was actually a good mother to them, then they may have another reason, or perhaps they are just selfish.

If they are selfish, there is nothing you can say that will change them.

You can only change your reaction to them.
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mollymoose Dec 2020
I would like to respectfully disagree about a child being well cared for and loved will want to take care of their parent when they are ill. My mom was a great mom, but I do not change diapers (my babies only, and I thought it for years before deciding to have kids) and I do not bathe adults. I just don't. If I were cut out for that I would have gotten a job doing it.
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I think it is the generation they were raised in. When I was a child, I am 66 now so this was the 60’s, my sister and I did the dishes, helped with meals, cleaned the house, and made the beds. My brothers emptied the trash. That's all they had to do, empty the trash once a week while my sister and I had daily tasks that included making our brothers beds.

Years later my ,other told me that she should have made the boys do more but my father objected. Fast forward 50 years and guess who is dealing with elderly parental issues?
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Exactly right!

Well, boys did sometimes yard work, such as mow the lawn. Dishes, folding clothes and so on is year round, yard work is only during the summer.

We live in a mild climate so no shoveling snow or anything like that either.
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I hate to say it, but what you’re going through is normal. I saw this working as a hospice social worker on a consistent basis. In family systems, one of the children tends to be the one that over functions while the rest under functions. Males rarely perceive themselves as caregivers often leaving it to the females. Males generally speaking do not process emotions effectively and usually eschew any discomfort by avoidance, leaving you alone to deal with all of it.

Not knowing your situation, I am just guessing here about some things you can try. First of all, who has power of attorney? If you have it you’re in good shape. You have the power to make medical and financial decisions such as hiring home care support and other staff and using your mother’s resources to pay for it if she has resources. Your brothers may get agitated because of lost revenue but they have an option to help. They may also have limitations due to employment. Do they? If you don’t have POA, then negotiate with your brother who does and work out support plans that give you time off, outside help, or even have your brothers run errands if they can’t/won’t do the “hands on”care. I have seen siblings fly in for a few days for respite relief for a caregiver. I have also seen respite stays for 48 hours or more in an assisted living center where you can get a break. If they are totally heartless and you sense you physical and mental health may be at risk, then you need to push for some time in a facility. If you set a firm boundary, even when it’s the last straw to call Adult Protective Services, to at least give you time off, you may see your brothers begin to respond. You have to create enough heat to get them to move. You also might call an elder care attorney and ask for a consult. If your mother has cancer, she may qualify for hospice and consultations/assessments are free. People don’t call hospice soon enough. Hospice also supports the family and will help you with your situation. Medicare pays for the Hospice Benefit.

Again, since I don’t know your situation, I’m just pulling at strings.

Blessings in your holy understating of caring for your mom while attempting to care for yourself.
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Imho, I've seen this occur all too often where one adult kid gets to perform the caregiving duties for the parent. Prayers sent.
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Think about how boys were raised then.

The old fashioned mothers felt that boys and men were to be served and raised them to feel entitled.

Girls and women were taught to nurture. We were taught to be servants.

There were a few exceptions here and there. My precious mother in law was the opposite of my mom and most women of that era.

My mom spoiled my brothers. My mother in law taught her sons to be self sufficient and responsible.

All of my brothers divorced several times! My mother in law taught her sons to respect women and her sons are great husbands and fathers.

I made a point to thank my mother in law for raising my husband to be a wonderful husband and father!

My mother in law responded by saying, “Oh, that was easy! I did the opposite of what my mother in law did. My husband didn’t know how to do a thing and expected me to wait on him hand and foot. It took awhile to deprogram him! I swore that our sons would never be helpless like their father! So, I taught them all the basics to know how to take care of themselves.”

My mother in law was a gem. She broke unhealthy cycles.

Sadly, she died many years ago far too young, age 68 with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
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NavyVet90 Dec 2020
My DH was also raised by a mother who spoiled him. Took me years to deprogram him from expecting me to cook, clean, take care of everything and wait on him. I even left him for a while 4 years into our marriage, he was such a control freak. That scared him. He mellowed out and second round was better. We will be celebrating our 40th anniversary this month. They can be trained! LOL
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This is most likely cultural. Most older women do not want men - husbands included - to help with their most intimate care issues. They expect other women to care for them no matter what the problem. Most adult children in loving families want to help, as they each are able, with their parents.

So the real question is, "How can I get help with mom's care?" Let your family, friends, member from your faith community.... know what kinds of help you need: grocery shopping, buying supplies or medications. housecleaning, home health care aide for a couple of hours for a couple of days every week, visits with mom while you run errands... Don't be offended if they offer to pay for services rather than do a task themselves. If you need help, let them help however they can. The goal is to get mom cared for and for you not to burn out in the process.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
I forget where this came up before, but while it *may* be cultural", it wasn't for my mother. "Most older women do not want men - husbands included - to help with their most intimate care issues." My mother had ZERO use for women doctors. Even for those most intimate parts - GYN and Birth - MALE doctors. She was very critical of women doctors.

Sadly, if you think it through rationally, many women have been "reared" to be carers, so if they add Dr to their names, they should be not only even more competent, but would certainly more understanding as they have been through whatever the rest of us have been through physically (and maybe emotionally too)!
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