I am caring for my mother Gloria, who is 79 years old, living at home with age-related decline, arthritis, cancer, depression, and mobility problems. I'm working part time, taking care of my mother, and not being helped by my family.
Unfortunately, care-giving is usually considered the responsibility of daughters, not sons. Much as we think women are "emancipated" or "empowered" it is not always true... especially if care-giving involves such personal assistance as bathing, toileting, dressing. Your brothers probably have not even given it much thought. They've just taken it for granted that caring for your mother would not be their responsibility as long as they had a sister. I don't know your family situation, but you need to mention to them SPECIFIC ways they can help e.g. taking her shopping or for business or banking appointments, handling some heavier household cleaning and/or maintenance for her, staying with her when you need time to meet obligations of your own. And how about them taking her to visit them in THEIR homes. They will not think of these things on their own. You need to remind them that she is their mother, too. And sometimes sons can influence mom to accept things that she might otherwise object to...take advantage of this. Maybe you can say things like, "maybe you could talk to mom about..." Be creative. Make brothers feel that they are important to her well-being. That may help.
Gloria, I can totally understand what you feel like.I am in the same situation as you. I have 1 brother and 2 sisters that do nothing practical to help Mum. I help Mum with everything and see her everyday. I have asked my siblings for help, my older sister told me “ I’m not Mums carer”. But neither am I. I look after Mum because she’s my Mother and she needs me. I have a young family and a job. I want to study but I can’t afford the time away from Mum. My Mums house is clean and tidy, in fact spotless. Mum has clean sheets and towels every other day. The shopping is done on Monday along with meal preparation for the week. I make sure the little things like salt/ pepper filled,and coffee/ tea / sugar in the canisters are done. There is a stockpile of things to use when an item runs out, toilet paper / soap / washing powder etc. I buy fresh milk and bread every second day. Mums bills are paid up to date. I take her to the library on Monday and to her hair dressing appointment on Friday every week. I take Mum to her Doctors, Specialists, Podiatrist, Optometrist and Dentist appointments. I buy and wrap all birthday and Christmas presents for her to give to the family and make sure she has cards to write when she needs them in her drawer. I make sure she has fresh flowers on her table every Thursday and that her plants inside and outside are watered. Her birdbath is always filled with water. I take her every two weeks on a Tuesday to a department complex so she can go clothes / shoe shopping and have lunch out at a cafe. I will spend one night fortnight overnight for a girls movie night. I have taken her on three vacations this year for a week each. I am a Registered Nurse and work night shift, I do all this for Mum while I should be sleeping. My house is a unorganised mess, I am exhausted but I take my son to school everyday and pick him up. My husband always has dinner on the table when he gets home from work. Goodluck Gloria, Get your whip out or let it be. I know how you feel Sister! I know I’m not going to have my beautiful precious Mother forever, so I choose my Mother, my siblings are the ones missing out. Susan
Yes, they are missing out, but they'll likely never figure that out. I also have 2 brothers who really just gave her up for lost when she had to be moved to MC. Even before that... when trying to keep her in the condo as long as possible, it was me who did all the work. Not as much as you, she was still semi-independent, and I lived 1.5 hours away, but I did what was needed and couldn't count on them for much of anything. Picked through her things when clearing out the condo, each took a bunch of stuff. I didn't want much, just some mementos. My other comments touch on the lack of visiting. Sure, it's not a lot of fun listening to her repeat the same things over and over and hard to have any real conversation, but that wasn't really the point of visiting! Watching her reaction when OB came the first time (almost the last time too!), you'd think he was the second coming... When I visited, I would get Oh, where'd you come from? or What are you doing here? Yet I continued to go up until the lockdown, and two visits (one outdoor, one indoor) since they allowed some scheduled brief visits... Them? Nothing.
She is a woman and has terminal colon cancer. That is a dirty, ugly disease and it is highly uncomfortable for a man to step in with helping. I would lay the law down that all must help and if they don't, then all must share in the cost of a caretaker. Otherwise she will need to be placed somewhere. It is not right the this all falls on you and it will cause you severe problems if this is not immediately rectified. Good luck.
There’s a lot more to care than just personal care. Sometimes you have to figure out who does what best and who is comfortable with what. It is such a blessing to have a family team to care for Mom, but figuring out who will play what role and if understudies are needed (back up professionals) can save you a lot of resentment and improve Moms care.
Just to throw in a thought on males as caregivers. When my parents have been in the hospital, they often had male nurses taking care of them --male RNs, LPNs, and CNAs. I must admit, I was initially surprised at the number of male nurses. ALL of the nurses, male and female, provided excellent care, so I don't think care-giving ability is determined by gender.
Male professionals are viewed differently from male offspring. Male nurses and caregivers are comfortable with their role and are professional in their approach.
Some female patients are initially uncomfortable having male nurses and male care givers, but in a hospital they have no choice. They get used to it and usually end up being quite satisfied with the care.
As others have said, give them specific ways in which they can help, I do that with my brother when it comes to our dad. "When you come down on Saturday, please put the fountain and outdoor refrigerator away for the winter" works a lot better than "Dad could use some help with outdoor work, call him." Because inevitably, dad always says 'That's okay, I can do it' so what happens? Nothing, my brother figures he isn't needed.
My brother will gladly help but he needs direction. Maybe your brothers do, too.
It is sad how often this happens. When one sibling is stuck with all the care and responsibility of an elderly parent, it feels like they might as well be an only child. My 2 brothers lived far away so of course I understood that they were unable for hands on care, but that doesn't mean that they couldn't help in other ways, like financial or moral support. One brother is a born again christian and the youngest was the Golden Child. Both were my father's favorites all my life. Our parents hardly ever heard from BAC. At least GC called nearly every Sunday to say hi. Neither gave me any emotional support when I was overwhelmed with caregiving and health issues of my own. They just didn't even want to hear that the folks were declining, etc. The one time that I asked for a bit of financial assistance to help with their parents, BAC answered with how little they had saved up for their retirement. GC never answered my email at al,l but the following day, we saw his wife had posted on her Facebook that they bought a boat - a freaking boat! I felt abandoned and resented their carefree lives when I had no life at all. Now my caregiving is done and I am settling the estate as Trustee and when that's done, they will never hear from me again. If it wasn't for me, there would be no assets left to distribute, so they'll get their 1/3 and then I am done with my entire dysfunctional family! I never had kids and I changed my will/trust last year. I removed them and my nieces on hubby's side will get everything. My Greatest regret is that I didn't go no contact/sever ties many years ago. I could have saved myself so much heartache. Best of luck in caring for your mother. I hope she appreciates all you have sacrificed for her.
"At least GC called nearly every Sunday to say hi."
Yeah, OB wasn't local, so that was his "thing" to do. I didn't need a badge or a star for calling often, going to help out, bringing supplies, etc, but to hear her say "Oh, he calls me EVERY Sunday." (emphasis was hers, not mine!) I just knew that he was the Golden Boy. As noted in another response, if you'd see her reaction when he showed up to visit, yup... Glowing Gold all the way!
Sadly GloriaKB40, this IS a common song sung on this forum.
We can't answer that question for you, as those of us in the same boat don't really understand the why of it all.
If you have asked for help and they refuse or ignore, they likely won't help. I know I've asked my brothers to help. Most of the help was them helping themselves to what they wanted from her condo. The rest will be helping themselves to whatever is left in the trust when she's gone!
In your case, there are a few options: 1) Ask (again) for help 2) Be specific in what help you want 3) If they refuse, you can ask why
Asking for help, even if already tried, can't hurt. If they won't, then drop it. You will waste time and energy trying to get what they won't give. Any anger you feel will only affect you, not them, so if it's a no go, move on to something that WILL help you, such as hiring some help, if her assets permit (her assets should pay for help, not yours.)
Being specific about what they can do to help might work. As others noted, sometimes they just don't think, and therefore can't figure it out. I've often said, and will continue to say, I think I'm the only one in the family who got any brains! Most likely I would steer away from asking help with any "personal" care, such as changing briefs or bathing - that might seem a bit icky to them. Start small and if you get some assistance, work your way up to additional tasks. Bringing (or having delivered) supplies would save you time. If there's yard work to be done, they might be willing to do that. Sitting with her for a while, so you can have a break, at least for a few hours in a day once in a while wouldn't kill them. Maintenance work on the home (this and yard work are out if she's in an apartment.) Preparing or buying a takeout meal from a restaurant would eliminate making one meal. Little things can add up.
If they continue to refuse or ignore, you can ask them why. You may never get an answer, but at least you asked.
Me, I'm done with these two clowns. Now that mom has had a stroke and is on hospice, there really isn't anything we can do. I still have to manage everything and ensure she's cared for. Those two don't even ask how she is. F'ers. She wasn't the greatest mother in the world, but she wasn't the worst either. She's still a person, and she's still our mother. The least they could do, they don't do.
As far as I'm concerned, I am an only child. They'll get their "share" when the time comes (after I take the exec fee that is!), then >snip< no more ties!
You are here now, so you have many caring sisters AND brothers to support you, offer suggestions, give hugs, etc. We may not be able to physically help you, but sometimes that pat on the back or hug means a lot!
As far as brothers are concerned, after they've been unwilling to help, and it's too late anyway, don't be surprised if they think of all sorts of ways you could have done better.
Don't mean to be cynical (speaking from experience). Just forewarning you so you won't get hurt all over again. Don't let them guilt you in any way. Don't think of things you might have done differently. You deserve a hero's medal for taking on all the work and sacrifice alone. Your mom has been blessed to have you for a daughter.
dear gloria, i'm sending lots of hugs to you (and to your mother!! i wish her well!!), and to everyone here on the forum. i decided today to register and become a member, hoping i can give you hope and courage!
regarding the actual topic of why brothers don't help... i'm sure it's different from family to family. all sorts of backgrounds. BUT -- i feel, often, it has nothing to do with boy/girl (gender). it's simply this: some people are more selfish than others. some daughters/sons have NO conscience. they really don't. they feel zero guilt for not helping. and they love it that someone else is helping! and they don't mind at all, if this destroys your life along the way. some might even want, take pleasure, in the fact that it's destroying your life (if it is). anyone with a conscience (i'm talking about adult children who were not abused, who were loved by their parents), anyone with a conscience would automatically ask, "how can i help? how are you doing, sister/brother/primary caregiver? thank you so much for taking so good care of our parents. i can't help much, but let me at least do X, Y, Z. would that help out? what's the best way forward now, taking into account our parents' lives, your life, our lives?"...
they don't help, because you're helping. and because you have a conscience, of course, you won't abandon your parents.
i have to say 1 thing though... maybe sometimes it's good (i mean of course it's terrible to be in such a situation...terrible for the parents, the caregiver, etc.)...but maybe it's good, in the sense that maybe it's good to see someone's TRUE NATURE. better to know now, how one's sister/brother really is.
i also want to say, thank you to this forum in general. i read many posts. it helped me a lot.
i wish everyone taking care of their parents, a lot of strength, love, and i hope your parent/parents are ok!!! we do our best. we love our best, and try to keep our parents healthy, happy, joyful for as looong as possible :).
wishing everyone a wonderful xmas and soon happy new year 2021!!! may all your xmas and new year wishes come true!! :)
I don't know your family situation, but you need to mention to them SPECIFIC ways they can help e.g. taking her shopping or for business or banking appointments, handling some heavier household cleaning and/or maintenance for her, staying with her when you need time to meet obligations of your own. And how about them taking her to visit them in THEIR homes. They will not think of these things on their own. You need to remind them that she is their mother, too. And sometimes sons can influence mom to accept things that she might otherwise object to...take advantage of this. Maybe you can say things like, "maybe you could talk to mom about..." Be creative. Make brothers feel that they are important to her well-being. That may help.
I can totally understand what you feel like.I am in the same situation as you. I have 1 brother and 2 sisters that do nothing practical to help Mum. I help Mum with everything and see her everyday. I have asked my siblings for help, my older sister told me “ I’m not Mums carer”. But neither am I. I look after Mum because she’s my Mother and she needs me. I have a young family and a job. I want to study but I can’t afford the time away from Mum. My Mums house is clean and tidy, in fact spotless. Mum has clean sheets and towels every other day. The shopping is done on Monday along with meal preparation for the week. I make sure the little things like salt/ pepper filled,and coffee/ tea / sugar in the canisters are done. There is a stockpile of things to use when an item runs out, toilet paper / soap / washing powder etc. I buy fresh milk and bread every second day. Mums bills are paid up to date. I take her to the library on Monday and to her hair dressing appointment on Friday every week. I take Mum to her Doctors, Specialists, Podiatrist, Optometrist and Dentist appointments. I buy and wrap all birthday and Christmas presents for her to give to the family and make sure she has cards to write when she needs them in her drawer. I make sure she has fresh flowers on her table every Thursday and that her plants inside and outside are watered. Her birdbath is always filled with water. I take her every two weeks on a Tuesday to a department complex so she can go clothes / shoe shopping and have lunch out at a cafe. I will spend one night fortnight overnight for a girls movie night. I have taken her on three vacations this year for a week each.
I am a Registered Nurse and work night shift, I do all this for Mum while I should be sleeping. My house is a unorganised mess, I am exhausted but I take my son to school everyday and pick him up. My husband always has dinner on the table when he gets home from work.
Goodluck Gloria, Get your whip out or let it be. I know how you feel Sister!
I know I’m not going to have my beautiful precious Mother forever, so I choose my Mother, my siblings are the ones missing out.
Susan
Male nurses and caregivers are comfortable with their role and are professional in their approach.
Some female patients are initially uncomfortable having male nurses and male care givers, but in a hospital they have no choice. They get used to it and usually end up being quite satisfied with the care.
My brother will gladly help but he needs direction. Maybe your brothers do, too.
My 2 brothers lived far away so of course I understood that they were unable for hands on care, but that doesn't mean that they couldn't help in other ways, like financial or moral support. One brother is a born again christian and the youngest was the Golden Child. Both were my father's favorites all my life. Our parents hardly ever heard from BAC. At least GC called nearly every Sunday to say hi. Neither gave me any emotional support when I was overwhelmed with caregiving and health issues of my own. They just didn't even want to hear that the folks were declining, etc. The one time that I asked for a bit of financial assistance to help with their parents, BAC answered with how little they had saved up for their retirement. GC never answered my email at al,l but the following day, we saw his wife had posted on her Facebook that they bought a boat - a freaking boat! I felt abandoned and resented their carefree lives when I had no life at all. Now my caregiving is done and I am settling the estate as Trustee and when that's done, they will never hear from me again. If it wasn't for me, there would be no assets left to distribute, so they'll get their 1/3 and then I am done with my entire dysfunctional family! I never had kids and I changed my will/trust last year. I removed them and my nieces on hubby's side will get everything. My Greatest regret is that I didn't go no contact/sever ties many years ago. I could have saved myself so much heartache.
Best of luck in caring for your mother. I hope she appreciates all you have sacrificed for her.
Yeah, OB wasn't local, so that was his "thing" to do. I didn't need a badge or a star for calling often, going to help out, bringing supplies, etc, but to hear her say "Oh, he calls me EVERY Sunday." (emphasis was hers, not mine!) I just knew that he was the Golden Boy. As noted in another response, if you'd see her reaction when he showed up to visit, yup... Glowing Gold all the way!
We can't answer that question for you, as those of us in the same boat don't really understand the why of it all.
If you have asked for help and they refuse or ignore, they likely won't help. I know I've asked my brothers to help. Most of the help was them helping themselves to what they wanted from her condo. The rest will be helping themselves to whatever is left in the trust when she's gone!
In your case, there are a few options:
1) Ask (again) for help
2) Be specific in what help you want
3) If they refuse, you can ask why
Asking for help, even if already tried, can't hurt. If they won't, then drop it. You will waste time and energy trying to get what they won't give. Any anger you feel will only affect you, not them, so if it's a no go, move on to something that WILL help you, such as hiring some help, if her assets permit (her assets should pay for help, not yours.)
Being specific about what they can do to help might work. As others noted, sometimes they just don't think, and therefore can't figure it out. I've often said, and will continue to say, I think I'm the only one in the family who got any brains! Most likely I would steer away from asking help with any "personal" care, such as changing briefs or bathing - that might seem a bit icky to them. Start small and if you get some assistance, work your way up to additional tasks. Bringing (or having delivered) supplies would save you time. If there's yard work to be done, they might be willing to do that. Sitting with her for a while, so you can have a break, at least for a few hours in a day once in a while wouldn't kill them. Maintenance work on the home (this and yard work are out if she's in an apartment.) Preparing or buying a takeout meal from a restaurant would eliminate making one meal. Little things can add up.
If they continue to refuse or ignore, you can ask them why. You may never get an answer, but at least you asked.
Me, I'm done with these two clowns. Now that mom has had a stroke and is on hospice, there really isn't anything we can do. I still have to manage everything and ensure she's cared for. Those two don't even ask how she is. F'ers. She wasn't the greatest mother in the world, but she wasn't the worst either. She's still a person, and she's still our mother. The least they could do, they don't do.
As far as I'm concerned, I am an only child. They'll get their "share" when the time comes (after I take the exec fee that is!), then >snip< no more ties!
You are here now, so you have many caring sisters AND brothers to support you, offer suggestions, give hugs, etc. We may not be able to physically help you, but sometimes that pat on the back or hug means a lot!
Don't mean to be cynical (speaking from experience). Just forewarning you so you won't get hurt all over again. Don't let them guilt you in any way. Don't think of things you might have done differently. You deserve a hero's medal for taking on all the work and sacrifice alone. Your mom has been blessed to have you for a daughter.
regarding the actual topic of why brothers don't help...
i'm sure it's different from family to family. all sorts of backgrounds.
BUT -- i feel, often, it has nothing to do with boy/girl (gender).
it's simply this:
some people are more selfish than others. some daughters/sons have NO conscience. they really don't. they feel zero guilt for not helping. and they love it that someone else is helping! and they don't mind at all, if this destroys your life along the way. some might even want, take pleasure, in the fact that it's destroying your life (if it is). anyone with a conscience (i'm talking about adult children who were not abused, who were loved by their parents), anyone with a conscience would automatically ask, "how can i help? how are you doing, sister/brother/primary caregiver? thank you so much for taking so good care of our parents. i can't help much, but let me at least do X, Y, Z. would that help out? what's the best way forward now, taking into account our parents' lives, your life, our lives?"...
they don't help, because you're helping.
and because you have a conscience, of course, you won't abandon your parents.
i have to say 1 thing though...
maybe sometimes it's good (i mean of course it's terrible to be in such a situation...terrible for the parents, the caregiver, etc.)...but maybe it's good, in the sense that maybe it's good to see someone's TRUE NATURE. better to know now, how one's sister/brother really is.
i also want to say, thank you to this forum in general. i read many posts. it helped me a lot.
i wish everyone taking care of their parents, a lot of strength, love, and i hope your parent/parents are ok!!! we do our best. we love our best, and try to keep our parents healthy, happy, joyful for as looong as possible :).
wishing everyone a wonderful xmas and soon happy new year 2021!!! may all your xmas and new year wishes come true!! :)