Our relationship has always been strained. Emotional distress caused by my mothers actions.

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If your mother causes you distress then allow her to make her own decisions for herself and stay out of it. Sort of a lesson that you arranged care givers and then that all changed.

Many would suggest that you go all in, try to get a POA or guardianship or conservatorship or or or or. That would not be me. I would suggest you put on running shoes and take off in the other direction.

Your Mom had her life. Due to her own limitations she was unable to be a special Mom. She still is adamant in making her own decisions. She should do so. If you have worries report her to APS for wellness checks. If APS suggests you try to get control of her tell them that isn't a good idea for your own sanity and survival.

Not everyone even HAS children to intervene for them. Pretent that your Mother is one of them.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Sankrz, Welcome.

I don’t know anyone who wanted to go into care at home or a facility.

Our wants become less important as the reality of advanced age enters the picture.

It is certainly not your fault or your responsibility to sacrifice your remaining good years to tiptoeing around an ungrateful elder if that is the case.

I am sorry you have decided to add your mother’s care to that of your husband. It is okay to change your mind.

I hope you make time for yourself.

The forum is a good place to find others in your situation.

Did you have a question? It’s okay if you didn’t. Feel free to come here and vent.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to 97yroldmom

Per your profile, she lives with you. Is that still true? And your hubby has end stage COPD? Sounds like you just might have your hand very very full with this combo of events.

No one WANTS to go into a home. But sometimes the reality of the aging situation makes is a necessity. If you don't have a good relationship, living together must not be much fun. At 93, she is probably a bit (or a LOT ) of work for you.

So, you need to take care of yourself first. Then your husband. Do you have enough left to do all for your mom? Either arrange for caregivers or look for a facility. She will not like it but she is not independent and it is no longer her choice.

Best of luck
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to againx100

She wanted to stay in her own home but refused any caregivers you found for her.

Wow, and that’s how she set you up to bring her into your home?

You are taking on too much! It’s impossible to keep this going. You’re juggling too many balls in the air.

You must make other arrangements for mom. She doesn’t control you. YOU control you. And your first responsibility is your husband, not mom.

Good luck, and I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby

What were the circumstances leading to you arranging caregivers for your Mother?

Did she need temporary help while recovering from something? Or you noticed she was losing independence in her daily life?

What happened after your Mother cancelled the caregivers you set up for her?

Did she cope?
Did she call you instead?
Did she realise she did in fact need help?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Beatty

Sankrz2855, many of us here had situations similar to this. Usually one has to wait for a serious fall or illness of the love one.... 911... hospital.... rehab.... and finally into senior living.

That was the only way my Mom could get the full time care she needed. She didn't want any part of "strangers" in her house, especially another woman cooking a meal for my Dad. It took a serious fall in my Mom's kitchen that resulted in head trauma, and Mom had to spend her final months in a skilled nursing home.

My Dad, on the other hand, welcomes the caregivers into the house. And eventually he decided he wanted to move to senior living.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to freqflyer

Your house your rules. You bring in a caregiver on Moms dime. You tell Mom that you cannot care for two people and DH comes first. So she excepts the caregiver or she goes into an AL on her dime. If there is no money, then she will go into a nice LTC on Medicaid.

You need this time with your DH. If Mom winds up in the Hospital and better if she is sent to Rehab, thats when you say, I will no longer care for her. Ask for a 24/7 eval and if found she needs 24/7 care thats when she is transferred to an AL if she has money, or LTC with Medicaid paying. You cannot do it all. DH is your priority.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JoAnn29

I understand how you feel. Even if your mom was pleasant to be around, it’s still hard having another person living in our home.

I think that you realize that your mom is not going to change her personality. You don’t have to like the way she is.

No one gets use to this type of situation. The only thing that will really help is if you take necessary breaks, just like you do with any other job.

When you were working at your job, you stopped working to eat lunch. You took vacations and so on. So, do the same thing now. Speak to your mother about hiring someone to care for her so you can have a break.

Wishing you all the best. Please take care of yourself. I had my mom living in my home. I know how exhausting this is.

Your mom is who she is. I doubt that you can say anything that will cause her to be any different. Let her be and work on finding peace for yourself.

If the only way that you will ever have peace is to have your mother living elsewhere, then tell her that. Tell her that you want her to receive good care but it can no longer be provided by you.

Tell her that you will find a suitable place for her to live. Then you can visit her on your terms. If she becomes unpleasant you will be free to leave.

Your mom will have an entire staff to be unpleasant with. Although, I must say that some mothers are sweet as pie to others. They reserve their wicked behavior for their children.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
BurntCaregiver Mar 18, 2023

In response to your comment lower on the thread.

I don't mind helping out. I never minded bringing my mother to bingo and picking her up. I never minded running errands or doing the housework and cooking. These things were never the problem.
What I do mind is the disrespect and abuse. The being lied about also. Especially when the lying is meant to make someone else feel bad about their own situation. That's why she got called out on that bs.
The homecare is set to start in April. So it's accept it or don't. Either way, I'm done. My sibling can step up now.
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How long has your mother been living with you?

What advice do you really expect? And, more importantly, will you follow it? You haven't responded to any comments yet. I suspect that you won't change your situation. So many here don't.

Are you an only child? Just curious.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to CTTN55

Hi, so put yourself in her shoes and figure out why she is rejecting caregivers. We have been through this with my mom several times, and been through many people.

a). She does not like them, just incompatible. this is ok, find another one

b). She does not think she needs them. For this one, I get an opinion from her doctor or caregiver that she will respect.

c). you are enabling, if she rejects the caregiver and you step in every time, she will always do that. When this happens, and she wants something, I do not enable and I give her a worse option. Like when she rejected the service for transportation, I told her she can take the public bus. She did this only once, it is accessible and easy but she had to wait in the rain, and that ended the objection to using the service.

It took quite a bit of time for us to setup the right services, people and processes for my Mom to continue to live safe and independantly. Her doctor and the CCAC workers were really helpful.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to jlastwood
Davenport Mar 17, 2023
Fabulous ideas, jlastwood, thank you!! Your experience was mine as well.
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Coming from a person that stayed home (in my parents home) to take care of both of my parents when they were dying a few years apart, so I moved in twice for a year the first time, and about six months the second time, I can tell you three things to consider.
First, consider how your mom feels about her privacy, and having strangers in her home. She is worried about them having to change her clothes and other issues like that (if they are not now, they will eventually when the time comes) and that's hard for anyone to deal with. More importantly, if she doesn't like them, you need to be certain they are not mistreating her in any way. It's possible she may be reluctant to tell you out of fear that you won't believe her, and she'll then be left with them after having told what they are doing to mistreat her.
Next, despite how you perceive your relationship with your mom, now is a good time for you to try to repair your relationship with her. None of us are perfect, and depending on what she's done to you to make you feel like your relationship with her is strained, you'll still have some level of responsibility to do your part to make that happen before you no longer have that option.
Finally, your mom is the one that is sick, so it's up to you to find a way to help her find some comfort with her caregivers. Maybe you can find a way to spend more time with them until she gets more comfortable with them being around. Consider how she's feeling, knowing even though she's in her own home, it may not feel like that to her since her home is full of strangers that are in control. Set limits with the caretakers, and show your mom that SHE is in charge of these people in her home, and that they are there to help, not take over. Also let her know that YOU are in charge after her in the chain of command, and that will give her some comfort knowing these people know she is in charge even though they are there to care for her, and at the same time you are showing her that you care about what happens with her.
Most importantly, spend less time thinking about who's fault it is that your relationship is strained, and do your best to fix it, and make sure your mom knows you love her every day because you'll regret not doing so someday, and if that happens, you don't get the option to try again. You live with the guilt, and believe me, you won't escape the guilt, and who's fault the strain on the relationship was won't matter anymore because it will be just you someday, and no one else there to blame. It won't be easy, but find a way to spend more time with your mom, and make sure she sees you letting her caregivers know she is in charge, and you are watching. That will help her not feel like she's losing her independence, and show her you care. I'm sorry to bring you all the answers you didn't want to hear, but there's no easy answers, and no easy way to handle these things. Best of luck with your mom.....
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Nevertoheal
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 17, 2023

Why are you caring for your mom?

If you called your mom out on her comments it in front of the other woman, it seems like you would rather not be caring for her. Think about placing her in a facility or have her hire caregivers from your business.

It’s miserable caring for someone who is unpleasant to be around. Do yourself a favor and resign from being her caregiver.
I would stop calling the person a caregiver introduce them as a friend and have that person over for a chat or just to hang out and then introduce them as a friend and slowly but surely she can help assisting make a story about them needing time away from being alone ask can I come see you I love your company tell the person to pretend they need help with a little task then they would be helping each other there is a few ideas I’m due you can get creative also outer
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Aprils

Our job is to keep them safe and provide a roof over their head and food on the table. We are not responsible for their happiness. At a certain point when someone becomes more like a child/teen then a rational adult, we need to do the right thing and ignore the child's demands. This may mean a “home”. Tough but necessary…
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Sadinroanokeva
MsRubinChats Mar 17, 2023
OMG, you are tough, cold, but responsible. I am relieved to know you were not my mom's kid nor my great aunt's kid, nor my grandfather's kid.

Relationships, kindness & patience says a lot of about people, (men & women alike.) (Unless of course your parents were abusive or became abusive.)

--Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. I would do it all over again to still have my parents.
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My mom has dementia also and the doctors in the hospital has to put her in the nursing home because she could not take care of herself also. For me it was not her family doctor it was the hospital doctors. They did a lot of testing and talked to her about it. You may have to try your family doctor to her set in one you just have to pick it out and the doctors call to see if there is any avalbility. Then the nursing home will call you. We are in Ohio and the meadows is a great place they really take care of the residents. You have to put them in a safe place where they can be watched. I know it’s hard but it’s the thing to do because dementia is hard on them as it is on you. Also hopefully you have poa because eventually you will have to sell the house if it has not been sold already. If you have any other questions you can message me. I’ve already been thru this with my mom and about to go thru it again with my aunt
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Rose61mary

It is very tricky to have caretakers for a mentally compromised person. You can be fortunate, but not 24-7. A facility is a better, not perfect, position to provide care and monitor it. Sounds like that is where your Mom belongs. If she refuses, you can turn the decision over to an Agency on Aging or whatever exists in your state, or a hospital ER if she should end up there. Make it clear that you can't care for her. If she can manage with some help, but keep an eye on it, fine. Then, you back out of being that person. You cannot have your own life and care for her. Some people decide to sacrifice their own life, some don't regret doing that, some live beyond the invalid and resume their life. Others don't make it there, and the invalid still needs care.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Moxies
Smile1 Mar 17, 2023
my Mom told me since I was 5 years old she did not want to be in a nursing home. As her dementia progressed, I could not care for her. We found a “home” close to our home where we could “pop in” at any time. Neither mom nor the workers knew when our extra “ pop ins” would be. That gave us security she would be taken care of since nobody knew when we would show up.
it was a hard decision. I had to take the emotion out of it and live in reality. Even with the family members who disagreed (yet we’re in denial about her condition).
We had to “act as if” this was a great idea and a new adventure for us and mom to be on. We took her to visit before the move, “picked out”a room, talked about how beautiful, nice, and fun it was. We acted excited about everything (even though I was crying inside).
I look at it this way- I was responsible for giving mom the best possible care. The reality was that the care I was able to give was far from the best.
praying for you to feel/hear the leading of God as you walk through this. 🙏🏼
The short answers: (You might not like this....)
See it from her point of view.
What matters more: your career/job or her?
It will be some of the best years of your life, if you stop working and let her move in with you or your move in with her.
Have fun!
Life is too short, you will never regret being there for her during her time of need.
(Excuses are just excuses.)
Feel free to e-mail about how I was able to make it happen.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MsRubinChats
Caregiverstress Mar 17, 2023
IMO this advice is guilt producing and not helpful. There are many, many reasons for not giving up your career and life to care for a parent. Reasons are not excuses. For one thing, it creates havoc with your own finances and retirement plans and puts a massive strain on your own family. Read this forum. It is FILLED with posts from people who deeply, deeply regret taking on full time caregiving for a loved one. Nobody wants to go into a home, but often it is what has to be done. I made the decision not to move home and care for my father. I do what I can from a distance. My life matters too.
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I looked up your profile for more details and learned that your husband has serious health issues and your mom needs moderate to maximum care with ADLs. That's a lot of stress on you -Here's my advice: YOUR HOUSE/YOUR RULES! Hire a caretaker who is a good fit for both of you and take advantage of any help that caretaker brings to your household. Be CLEAR the caretaker is there to stay. Emphasize the positive, have that caretaker do things that Mom likes - play music, talk and give companionship, help with the ADL's, Yes, Mom will object and may even be obnoxious for a time but stand your ground in a positive, loving way. Eventually Mom will have to accept that you are the captain of the ship! In time she will learn to accept and depend on the caretaker. Even though you have a strained relationship with your Mom, it's obvious that your intentions are good and caring - so stand firm and hire the help you all need.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to NYCmama

I think Smile1's response below was on point. Even though you & mom were not close do the best for her you can. This will be optimal for your mental health and you will have no regrets.

I had a similar relationship with my mom but I made sure she had good care with in home caregivers until her last week of life.

Dad had passed two years prior. He stayed at their home with caregivers and was so much easier to care for.

Sister and I had to move her to a nursing home the last week of her life. It was a difficult decision but she had declined to a bedridden state unable to move herself at all. Her dementia had increased also. I saw her everyday until she passed.

Sister and I had very serious health crises this same year and could do no more for her. Please get help to make YOUR life easier. Protect your health at all costs!!!!!!!

All this caregiving for my parents and husband's 94 year old aunt took a toll on my health. I had a stroke and ended up with a heart surgery.

My sister was in hospital on ventilator covid and now her health is ruined. She has so many long haulers issues and is not the same person.

Good luck to you because none of this is easy and takes a massive toll.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to InFamilyService

The primary concern is " safety" for the patient; if your mother is deemed cognitively appropriate to have a rational conversation, you can perhaps frame the situation around
" safety" issues. If she is cognitively appropriate and, still deemed by medical assessment capable to make her own decisions, then still have the " safety" talk but if she still says " no" or refuses help in home, then her wishes will need to be honored. You can also try to share that having someone helping her in her home will help her remain where she chooses( in her home) and, give you some peace of mind. Be sure that POA has been established so that in the event that POA decisions are needed now or in future that is in place. She is most likely, as most people/ particularly aging ones, fearing and grieving change(s) and loss of control that aging often brings; this can often present as anger, denial, resistance directed at adult children and/ or other caregivers. Be sure that her doctor is aware of the dynamics and, all needed medical ( physical and mental) are up to date to support whichever way this goes.

If and or when all other efforts fail, you can always let your mother know that for " safety" reasons, if needed, you can and will notify
" APS, Adult Protective Services" of the situation in the home. And proceed to do so as you deem needed. This also protects you and your accountability .

Peace.... remember your own self care is equally important.

Practice good self care !
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to janicemeyer18

My mom, living at home, also refused caregivers, and they were all caring and attentive. My mom just didn't 'get it'; she treated them like employees, at best. The last (and best) of four caregivers was situated to be able to move in to a spare bedroom and private bath. My mom so detested the prospect of anyone living in her house that she went into a (quite nice) facility on 'her own' choice. This was after living in that house for 55 years and always 'joked' about never leaving unless it were in a box--like, cutesy, ha-ha. It wasn't a joke the last 7 years. Her stubbornness put nine adults through hell for seven years.

Two things: I gave notice to my two sisters (who were able) notice that it was their turn; and they eventually insisted on daytime caregivers. When it came time for live-in care, she finally agreed to leave the house instead.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Davenport

My mom just passed away last week in her own home in her own bed with me next to her. She wanted to stay home - no hospitals, no nursing homes, etc. Last 2 months we had an aide but I would have to be there 24/7 - she wanted me but the aide helped me with mom. She developed nighttime agitation that lasted all night and i and my brother would be up all night with her(we both lived in differant homes but stayed with mom during these pandemic years) - it wasnt pretty and at points i lost my temper(guilt) but at least she was at home. At points, I wasnt sure we would be able to grant her last wish but im happy that it was possible - she suffered greatly for the 6 months prior to her death but her death was peaceful and in her sleep. Life isnt perfect so no one knows - each situation is differant - there is no right or wrong - trust your gut with what would work best for your mom and you.....after its all over(now for me), its gut wrenching grief no matter what.......
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Mhillwt
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 17, 2023
So true, every situation is different and what is right for some may not be right for others.

So very sorry about the loss of your mom. May she rest in peace.
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Oh, the desire to remain at home…,,,,,

That’s what my dad wanted. I was his caregiver until I couldn’t do it alone. Then I hired a 24/7 live-in plus two + others to relieve her. Fortunately he liked them. It took a great deal of management to maintain this situation. I was there too, to help them to shop, cook, schedule. He made the comment, “it’s so easy to make a hospital in your own home. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do it.” He had no idea of the stress, strain and difficulty I went through (and wouldn’t have cared anyway).

So the kicker is that after all this, in the last months of his life he thought he was in a hospital. We kept him at home and HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT.

Don’t take them too seriously.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby
LittleOrchid Mar 18, 2023
So sad. I am sorry that you had such an ordeal. I have seen it over and over again. You are so right. My sisters insisted that Mom do hospice at home because it was what Mom said she wanted. So we paid for 24/7 help because Mom was released from the hospital unable to get out of bed. Two of my sisters traded off staying with her overnight, the rest of us took turns for daytime. For the first 3 days, Mom was ecstatic, she got what she wanted, various grandchildren and great grandchildren came to visit. For the next 2 1/2 weeks it wouldn't have mattered where she was. She rarely recognized us, no longer communicated.

Some of my friends have done the same thing with their parents. There always seem to be some family members who think there is some wonderful thing about keeping the LO at home. Unfortunately, they usually are not going to be doing the caregiving and the dying person is totally unaware of where they are or who is caring for them long before death grants release to all.

I think there are too many movies out there in which dying at home is portrayed as a beautiful experience. Perhaps it is for some, but I haven't seen it yet. A nice hospital/hospice with well-rested nurses and aides and a cleaning staff is a lot better to deal with.
First of all there has never been a senior who ever lived on this planet that ever wanted to go into a "home". Maybe in some other part of the multi-verse there might be (I watched Everything, Everywhere, All At Once last night. Great movie) but not here.
I did homecare for 25 years and am going to tell you what I have told countless family members in your same situation.
Walk away. Do nothing for the stubborn elder. Force them to accept the homecare helping them OR they WILL be placed in a "home". They will end up getting sick or hurt and the state will place them against their wishes and you will let them do it.
Arrange some homecare that your mother will pay for. If she gets stubborn about it make it known that you will not tolerate her crap for another second and if she gets too pushy she will be O-U-T OUT.
Then look for assisted placement. Don't even tell her until you've found a place. Then she goes. Hopefully, she will have developed a good relationship with her homecare aide by the time she's placed and that person can continue working for her after you move her to AL.
You stop jumping through hoops for her. She runs on YOUR clock not the other way around.
You do not tolerate one moment of fussiness, orneriness, instigating, or any other kind of abusive behavior from her.
She also gets a bedtime now. At a certain time of the night she retires to her room and you do nothing for her until the morning other than bring her to the bathroom a couple of times if you need to.
This means, no snacks, drinks, conversations, nothing. You do not do not keep her company and she stays in her room watching tv, reading a book, knitting, whatever. This is your time with your husband and she will not be part of that. She stays in her room. Enforce this. It's the same as being sent to your room when you were a kid because the adults were having company. Do it though.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Mhillwt Mar 17, 2023
sorry but your response lacks empathy.....i ask the poster to realize that everyone who answers her questions has their own complicated history and that impacts how they answer the question.....where is the "love" and "compassion" in your response that sick elderly people need - its not their fault and yes, not everyone can care for them at home and yes, they might become unmanageable but that doesnt mean you run their home like a prison camp......
See 10 more replies
this is how we got my brother out of his house. For the past two years after an accident he wanted to live in house and have no professional. He wasn't taking his meds etc. he was in and out of hosp, till finally dec 2022. he had to go to ER and while there the dr said he couldn't live on his own. (my niece was happy bc it had been a strain on her and myself (the sister). they told my brother and he had no choice bc they sold his house and he is in a facility. I don't know if your mother has a situation where she would have to go to hospital but it was the best for us. Good luck
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to AngieGuido74

Do nothing, except may report to Adult Protective Services that she is unsafe in her home along. It may be she is trying to get you to take care of her needs.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BuffyRoberts

No one wants to be sick or disabled, no one wants to live in herding environments...................when one gets to the "end of the road," everyone wants to hang a u-turn and say, "Hell no, I won't go." On the other hand, it is what it is and life goes on, whether we like it or not.

I am a proponent of medications that help stubborn patients progress to the next level of care.............please consult a Geriatric Psychiatrist and let the professionals take it from here.

Medications and therapy are very helpful for those of us who refuse to let go.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to ConnieCaretaker
Beatty Mar 17, 2023
Yep, worked a treat for my stubborn LO!
No to caregivers in home.
No to living in a care home.
No insight these two were the only options available.

The magic of modern medicine knocked one tiny corner off the block of stubborn - just enough to allow the paid aides in..

Without that.. LO would be another statistic on the APS case book for psych eval, emergency guardianship & NH placement.
Have a calm conversation with her (you have to be the calm one because sounds like she'll be obstinate).
Her goal is to stay in her home. That is your goal too. To keep her home as long as possible, she needs a little help. You will help her to get some 'aides' in the home, but she will have to accept that sort of help. Doing this helps both of you keep her in her own home as long as possible.

The alternative with no caregivers? She falls down or something happens where she has absolutely no choice in having to leave. Someone visits and feels she's no longer safe, so they call adult protective. Then it becomes a legal issue and may not have any choice in whether or not she can stay in her home AND you have a bunch of strangers digging into your business making decisions for you.

If she still refuses, then ask her where she wants to live at such time she cannot make a decision so you're aware of her desires. Push the fact she has the ball in her court now to get a little help to stay home or deal with having no say so later on. If she would like to tour some assisted living facilities, you'll be glad to take her. Otherwise, with an injury it will likely be home to hospital to nursing home.

I say all this assuming she is still of pretty sound mind and understands what you are telling her. If dementia is involved. that could be other suggestions.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to my2cents

I read your profile. It says that your Mom has moved in your home with you and your disabled husband .

Why did she come to live with you ?
Is it because she refused caregivers that you set up at her house ?

Your question states that she wants to stay in her own home . Therefore her two choices were to accept caregivers that were set up to come help her or she go to a facility. Coming to live with you did not have to happen.

Either she goes home to her house with hired caregivers or she goes to a facility .
If she needs extensive help , which according to your profile it appears that way , she needs 24/7 caregivers wherever she ends up .

Your mother’s refusal of hired caregivers does not mean you have to take her into your home and take care of her .

Another option is to hire caregivers to come to your house and take care of her. Although I do not recommend this as it sounds like your mother is manipulating you and she will continue to cause you stress.

If she refuses to leave your home , you can get APS social worker involved . Also if you have DPOA, that would be helpful .
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Way2tired

Why in the world would you let someone that you "always had a strained relationship" and caused you "emotional distress" live with you?

Get her out, immediately. Her wants and desires are irrelevant.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to ZippyZee

Sankrz2855: Perhaps your mother can no longer reside in YOUR home. Maybe she requires managed care facility living.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Llamalover47

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