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"An elder will insist on their adult children because that is their way of controlling the family's life".
Please everyone read the whole comment!
You are very insightful. While I'd love to believe many elders choose family over strangers because they love their family member, feel more comfortable with them, trust them & enjoy their company.. I totally get what you said & I have seen this controlling behaviour many many times.
I am still smoking mad whenever I let myself think back to the many times I was expected & manipulated into helping family because 'family helps family'.
*Family CONTROLS family* would be a more accurate assessment in many cases.
Like so many others here, I had to learn the lesson: Family will not ask/employ anyone else if you stay at their beck & call. It is only when you STOP they are forced to CHANGE.
Get her out, immediately. Her wants and desires are irrelevant.
Why did she come to live with you ?
Is it because she refused caregivers that you set up at her house ?
Your question states that she wants to stay in her own home . Therefore her two choices were to accept caregivers that were set up to come help her or she go to a facility. Coming to live with you did not have to happen.
Either she goes home to her house with hired caregivers or she goes to a facility .
If she needs extensive help , which according to your profile it appears that way , she needs 24/7 caregivers wherever she ends up .
Your mother’s refusal of hired caregivers does not mean you have to take her into your home and take care of her .
Another option is to hire caregivers to come to your house and take care of her. Although I do not recommend this as it sounds like your mother is manipulating you and she will continue to cause you stress.
If she refuses to leave your home , you can get APS social worker involved . Also if you have DPOA, that would be helpful .
Her goal is to stay in her home. That is your goal too. To keep her home as long as possible, she needs a little help. You will help her to get some 'aides' in the home, but she will have to accept that sort of help. Doing this helps both of you keep her in her own home as long as possible.
The alternative with no caregivers? She falls down or something happens where she has absolutely no choice in having to leave. Someone visits and feels she's no longer safe, so they call adult protective. Then it becomes a legal issue and may not have any choice in whether or not she can stay in her home AND you have a bunch of strangers digging into your business making decisions for you.
If she still refuses, then ask her where she wants to live at such time she cannot make a decision so you're aware of her desires. Push the fact she has the ball in her court now to get a little help to stay home or deal with having no say so later on. If she would like to tour some assisted living facilities, you'll be glad to take her. Otherwise, with an injury it will likely be home to hospital to nursing home.
I say all this assuming she is still of pretty sound mind and understands what you are telling her. If dementia is involved. that could be other suggestions.
I am a proponent of medications that help stubborn patients progress to the next level of care.............please consult a Geriatric Psychiatrist and let the professionals take it from here.
Medications and therapy are very helpful for those of us who refuse to let go.
No to caregivers in home.
No to living in a care home.
No insight these two were the only options available.
The magic of modern medicine knocked one tiny corner off the block of stubborn - just enough to allow the paid aides in..
Without that.. LO would be another statistic on the APS case book for psych eval, emergency guardianship & NH placement.
I did homecare for 25 years and am going to tell you what I have told countless family members in your same situation.
Walk away. Do nothing for the stubborn elder. Force them to accept the homecare helping them OR they WILL be placed in a "home". They will end up getting sick or hurt and the state will place them against their wishes and you will let them do it.
Arrange some homecare that your mother will pay for. If she gets stubborn about it make it known that you will not tolerate her crap for another second and if she gets too pushy she will be O-U-T OUT.
Then look for assisted placement. Don't even tell her until you've found a place. Then she goes. Hopefully, she will have developed a good relationship with her homecare aide by the time she's placed and that person can continue working for her after you move her to AL.
You stop jumping through hoops for her. She runs on YOUR clock not the other way around.
You do not tolerate one moment of fussiness, orneriness, instigating, or any other kind of abusive behavior from her.
She also gets a bedtime now. At a certain time of the night she retires to her room and you do nothing for her until the morning other than bring her to the bathroom a couple of times if you need to.
This means, no snacks, drinks, conversations, nothing. You do not do not keep her company and she stays in her room watching tv, reading a book, knitting, whatever. This is your time with your husband and she will not be part of that. She stays in her room. Enforce this. It's the same as being sent to your room when you were a kid because the adults were having company. Do it though.
That’s what my dad wanted. I was his caregiver until I couldn’t do it alone. Then I hired a 24/7 live-in plus two + others to relieve her. Fortunately he liked them. It took a great deal of management to maintain this situation. I was there too, to help them to shop, cook, schedule. He made the comment, “it’s so easy to make a hospital in your own home. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do it.” He had no idea of the stress, strain and difficulty I went through (and wouldn’t have cared anyway).
So the kicker is that after all this, in the last months of his life he thought he was in a hospital. We kept him at home and HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT.
Don’t take them too seriously.
Some of my friends have done the same thing with their parents. There always seem to be some family members who think there is some wonderful thing about keeping the LO at home. Unfortunately, they usually are not going to be doing the caregiving and the dying person is totally unaware of where they are or who is caring for them long before death grants release to all.
I think there are too many movies out there in which dying at home is portrayed as a beautiful experience. Perhaps it is for some, but I haven't seen it yet. A nice hospital/hospice with well-rested nurses and aides and a cleaning staff is a lot better to deal with.
So very sorry about the loss of your mom. May she rest in peace.
Two things: I gave notice to my two sisters (who were able) notice that it was their turn; and they eventually insisted on daytime caregivers. When it came time for live-in care, she finally agreed to leave the house instead.
" safety" issues. If she is cognitively appropriate and, still deemed by medical assessment capable to make her own decisions, then still have the " safety" talk but if she still says " no" or refuses help in home, then her wishes will need to be honored. You can also try to share that having someone helping her in her home will help her remain where she chooses( in her home) and, give you some peace of mind. Be sure that POA has been established so that in the event that POA decisions are needed now or in future that is in place. She is most likely, as most people/ particularly aging ones, fearing and grieving change(s) and loss of control that aging often brings; this can often present as anger, denial, resistance directed at adult children and/ or other caregivers. Be sure that her doctor is aware of the dynamics and, all needed medical ( physical and mental) are up to date to support whichever way this goes.
If and or when all other efforts fail, you can always let your mother know that for " safety" reasons, if needed, you can and will notify
" APS, Adult Protective Services" of the situation in the home. And proceed to do so as you deem needed. This also protects you and your accountability .
Peace.... remember your own self care is equally important.
Practice good self care !
I had a similar relationship with my mom but I made sure she had good care with in home caregivers until her last week of life.
Dad had passed two years prior. He stayed at their home with caregivers and was so much easier to care for.
Sister and I had to move her to a nursing home the last week of her life. It was a difficult decision but she had declined to a bedridden state unable to move herself at all. Her dementia had increased also. I saw her everyday until she passed.
Sister and I had very serious health crises this same year and could do no more for her. Please get help to make YOUR life easier. Protect your health at all costs!!!!!!!
All this caregiving for my parents and husband's 94 year old aunt took a toll on my health. I had a stroke and ended up with a heart surgery.
My sister was in hospital on ventilator covid and now her health is ruined. She has so many long haulers issues and is not the same person.
Good luck to you because none of this is easy and takes a massive toll.
See it from her point of view.
What matters more: your career/job or her?
It will be some of the best years of your life, if you stop working and let her move in with you or your move in with her.
Life is too short, you will never regret being there for her during her time of need.
(Excuses are just excuses.)
Feel free to e-mail about how I was able to make it happen.
it was a hard decision. I had to take the emotion out of it and live in reality. Even with the family members who disagreed (yet we’re in denial about her condition).
We had to “act as if” this was a great idea and a new adventure for us and mom to be on. We took her to visit before the move, “picked out”a room, talked about how beautiful, nice, and fun it was. We acted excited about everything (even though I was crying inside).
I look at it this way- I was responsible for giving mom the best possible care. The reality was that the care I was able to give was far from the best.
praying for you to feel/hear the leading of God as you walk through this. 🙏🏼
Relationships, kindness & patience says a lot of about people, (men & women alike.) (Unless of course your parents were abusive or became abusive.)
--Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. I would do it all over again to still have my parents.
First, consider how your mom feels about her privacy, and having strangers in her home. She is worried about them having to change her clothes and other issues like that (if they are not now, they will eventually when the time comes) and that's hard for anyone to deal with. More importantly, if she doesn't like them, you need to be certain they are not mistreating her in any way. It's possible she may be reluctant to tell you out of fear that you won't believe her, and she'll then be left with them after having told what they are doing to mistreat her.
Next, despite how you perceive your relationship with your mom, now is a good time for you to try to repair your relationship with her. None of us are perfect, and depending on what she's done to you to make you feel like your relationship with her is strained, you'll still have some level of responsibility to do your part to make that happen before you no longer have that option.
Finally, your mom is the one that is sick, so it's up to you to find a way to help her find some comfort with her caregivers. Maybe you can find a way to spend more time with them until she gets more comfortable with them being around. Consider how she's feeling, knowing even though she's in her own home, it may not feel like that to her since her home is full of strangers that are in control. Set limits with the caretakers, and show your mom that SHE is in charge of these people in her home, and that they are there to help, not take over. Also let her know that YOU are in charge after her in the chain of command, and that will give her some comfort knowing these people know she is in charge even though they are there to care for her, and at the same time you are showing her that you care about what happens with her.
Most importantly, spend less time thinking about who's fault it is that your relationship is strained, and do your best to fix it, and make sure your mom knows you love her every day because you'll regret not doing so someday, and if that happens, you don't get the option to try again. You live with the guilt, and believe me, you won't escape the guilt, and who's fault the strain on the relationship was won't matter anymore because it will be just you someday, and no one else there to blame. It won't be easy, but find a way to spend more time with your mom, and make sure she sees you letting her caregivers know she is in charge, and you are watching. That will help her not feel like she's losing her independence, and show her you care. I'm sorry to bring you all the answers you didn't want to hear, but there's no easy answers, and no easy way to handle these things. Best of luck with your mom.....
Why are you caring for your mom?
If you called your mom out on her comments it in front of the other woman, it seems like you would rather not be caring for her. Think about placing her in a facility or have her hire caregivers from your business.
It’s miserable caring for someone who is unpleasant to be around. Do yourself a favor and resign from being her caregiver.
a). She does not like them, just incompatible. this is ok, find another one
b). She does not think she needs them. For this one, I get an opinion from her doctor or caregiver that she will respect.
c). you are enabling, if she rejects the caregiver and you step in every time, she will always do that. When this happens, and she wants something, I do not enable and I give her a worse option. Like when she rejected the service for transportation, I told her she can take the public bus. She did this only once, it is accessible and easy but she had to wait in the rain, and that ended the objection to using the service.
It took quite a bit of time for us to setup the right services, people and processes for my Mom to continue to live safe and independantly. Her doctor and the CCAC workers were really helpful.
What advice do you really expect? And, more importantly, will you follow it? You haven't responded to any comments yet. I suspect that you won't change your situation. So many here don't.
Are you an only child? Just curious.
I think that you realize that your mom is not going to change her personality. You don’t have to like the way she is.
No one gets use to this type of situation. The only thing that will really help is if you take necessary breaks, just like you do with any other job.
When you were working at your job, you stopped working to eat lunch. You took vacations and so on. So, do the same thing now. Speak to your mother about hiring someone to care for her so you can have a break.
Wishing you all the best. Please take care of yourself. I had my mom living in my home. I know how exhausting this is.
Your mom is who she is. I doubt that you can say anything that will cause her to be any different. Let her be and work on finding peace for yourself.
If the only way that you will ever have peace is to have your mother living elsewhere, then tell her that. Tell her that you want her to receive good care but it can no longer be provided by you.
Tell her that you will find a suitable place for her to live. Then you can visit her on your terms. If she becomes unpleasant you will be free to leave.
Your mom will have an entire staff to be unpleasant with. Although, I must say that some mothers are sweet as pie to others. They reserve their wicked behavior for their children.
In response to your comment lower on the thread.
I don't mind helping out. I never minded bringing my mother to bingo and picking her up. I never minded running errands or doing the housework and cooking. These things were never the problem.
What I do mind is the disrespect and abuse. The being lied about also. Especially when the lying is meant to make someone else feel bad about their own situation. That's why she got called out on that bs.
The homecare is set to start in April. So it's accept it or don't. Either way, I'm done. My sibling can step up now.
You need this time with your DH. If Mom winds up in the Hospital and better if she is sent to Rehab, thats when you say, I will no longer care for her. Ask for a 24/7 eval and if found she needs 24/7 care thats when she is transferred to an AL if she has money, or LTC with Medicaid paying. You cannot do it all. DH is your priority.
That was the only way my Mom could get the full time care she needed. She didn't want any part of "strangers" in her house, especially another woman cooking a meal for my Dad. It took a serious fall in my Mom's kitchen that resulted in head trauma, and Mom had to spend her final months in a skilled nursing home.
My Dad, on the other hand, welcomes the caregivers into the house. And eventually he decided he wanted to move to senior living.
Did she need temporary help while recovering from something? Or you noticed she was losing independence in her daily life?
What happened after your Mother cancelled the caregivers you set up for her?
Did she cope?
Did she call you instead?
Did she realise she did in fact need help?
Wow, and that’s how she set you up to bring her into your home?
You are taking on too much! It’s impossible to keep this going. You’re juggling too many balls in the air.
You must make other arrangements for mom. She doesn’t control you. YOU control you. And your first responsibility is your husband, not mom.
Good luck, and I wish you well.
No one WANTS to go into a home. But sometimes the reality of the aging situation makes is a necessity. If you don't have a good relationship, living together must not be much fun. At 93, she is probably a bit (or a LOT ) of work for you.
So, you need to take care of yourself first. Then your husband. Do you have enough left to do all for your mom? Either arrange for caregivers or look for a facility. She will not like it but she is not independent and it is no longer her choice.
Best of luck