Our relationship has always been strained. Emotional distress caused by my mothers actions.

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Our job is to keep them safe and provide a roof over their head and food on the table. We are not responsible for their happiness. At a certain point when someone becomes more like a child/teen then a rational adult, we need to do the right thing and ignore the child's demands. This may mean a “home”. Tough but necessary…
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Sadinroanokeva
MsRubinChats Mar 17, 2023
OMG, you are tough, cold, but responsible. I am relieved to know you were not my mom's kid nor my great aunt's kid, nor my grandfather's kid.

Relationships, kindness & patience says a lot of about people, (men & women alike.) (Unless of course your parents were abusive or became abusive.)

--Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. I would do it all over again to still have my parents.
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Your house your rules. You bring in a caregiver on Moms dime. You tell Mom that you cannot care for two people and DH comes first. So she excepts the caregiver or she goes into an AL on her dime. If there is no money, then she will go into a nice LTC on Medicaid.

You need this time with your DH. If Mom winds up in the Hospital and better if she is sent to Rehab, thats when you say, I will no longer care for her. Ask for a 24/7 eval and if found she needs 24/7 care thats when she is transferred to an AL if she has money, or LTC with Medicaid paying. You cannot do it all. DH is your priority.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JoAnn29

If your mother causes you distress then allow her to make her own decisions for herself and stay out of it. Sort of a lesson that you arranged care givers and then that all changed.

Many would suggest that you go all in, try to get a POA or guardianship or conservatorship or or or or. That would not be me. I would suggest you put on running shoes and take off in the other direction.

Your Mom had her life. Due to her own limitations she was unable to be a special Mom. She still is adamant in making her own decisions. She should do so. If you have worries report her to APS for wellness checks. If APS suggests you try to get control of her tell them that isn't a good idea for your own sanity and survival.

Not everyone even HAS children to intervene for them. Pretent that your Mother is one of them.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to AlvaDeer

I understand how you feel. Even if your mom was pleasant to be around, it’s still hard having another person living in our home.

I think that you realize that your mom is not going to change her personality. You don’t have to like the way she is.

No one gets use to this type of situation. The only thing that will really help is if you take necessary breaks, just like you do with any other job.

When you were working at your job, you stopped working to eat lunch. You took vacations and so on. So, do the same thing now. Speak to your mother about hiring someone to care for her so you can have a break.

Wishing you all the best. Please take care of yourself. I had my mom living in my home. I know how exhausting this is.

Your mom is who she is. I doubt that you can say anything that will cause her to be any different. Let her be and work on finding peace for yourself.

If the only way that you will ever have peace is to have your mother living elsewhere, then tell her that. Tell her that you want her to receive good care but it can no longer be provided by you.

Tell her that you will find a suitable place for her to live. Then you can visit her on your terms. If she becomes unpleasant you will be free to leave.

Your mom will have an entire staff to be unpleasant with. Although, I must say that some mothers are sweet as pie to others. They reserve their wicked behavior for their children.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
BurntCaregiver Mar 18, 2023

In response to your comment lower on the thread.

I don't mind helping out. I never minded bringing my mother to bingo and picking her up. I never minded running errands or doing the housework and cooking. These things were never the problem.
What I do mind is the disrespect and abuse. The being lied about also. Especially when the lying is meant to make someone else feel bad about their own situation. That's why she got called out on that bs.
The homecare is set to start in April. So it's accept it or don't. Either way, I'm done. My sibling can step up now.
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Coming from a person that stayed home (in my parents home) to take care of both of my parents when they were dying a few years apart, so I moved in twice for a year the first time, and about six months the second time, I can tell you three things to consider.
First, consider how your mom feels about her privacy, and having strangers in her home. She is worried about them having to change her clothes and other issues like that (if they are not now, they will eventually when the time comes) and that's hard for anyone to deal with. More importantly, if she doesn't like them, you need to be certain they are not mistreating her in any way. It's possible she may be reluctant to tell you out of fear that you won't believe her, and she'll then be left with them after having told what they are doing to mistreat her.
Next, despite how you perceive your relationship with your mom, now is a good time for you to try to repair your relationship with her. None of us are perfect, and depending on what she's done to you to make you feel like your relationship with her is strained, you'll still have some level of responsibility to do your part to make that happen before you no longer have that option.
Finally, your mom is the one that is sick, so it's up to you to find a way to help her find some comfort with her caregivers. Maybe you can find a way to spend more time with them until she gets more comfortable with them being around. Consider how she's feeling, knowing even though she's in her own home, it may not feel like that to her since her home is full of strangers that are in control. Set limits with the caretakers, and show your mom that SHE is in charge of these people in her home, and that they are there to help, not take over. Also let her know that YOU are in charge after her in the chain of command, and that will give her some comfort knowing these people know she is in charge even though they are there to care for her, and at the same time you are showing her that you care about what happens with her.
Most importantly, spend less time thinking about who's fault it is that your relationship is strained, and do your best to fix it, and make sure your mom knows you love her every day because you'll regret not doing so someday, and if that happens, you don't get the option to try again. You live with the guilt, and believe me, you won't escape the guilt, and who's fault the strain on the relationship was won't matter anymore because it will be just you someday, and no one else there to blame. It won't be easy, but find a way to spend more time with your mom, and make sure she sees you letting her caregivers know she is in charge, and you are watching. That will help her not feel like she's losing her independence, and show her you care. I'm sorry to bring you all the answers you didn't want to hear, but there's no easy answers, and no easy way to handle these things. Best of luck with your mom.....
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Nevertoheal
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 17, 2023

Why are you caring for your mom?

If you called your mom out on her comments it in front of the other woman, it seems like you would rather not be caring for her. Think about placing her in a facility or have her hire caregivers from your business.

It’s miserable caring for someone who is unpleasant to be around. Do yourself a favor and resign from being her caregiver.
this is how we got my brother out of his house. For the past two years after an accident he wanted to live in house and have no professional. He wasn't taking his meds etc. he was in and out of hosp, till finally dec 2022. he had to go to ER and while there the dr said he couldn't live on his own. (my niece was happy bc it had been a strain on her and myself (the sister). they told my brother and he had no choice bc they sold his house and he is in a facility. I don't know if your mother has a situation where she would have to go to hospital but it was the best for us. Good luck
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to AngieGuido74

She wanted to stay in her own home but refused any caregivers you found for her.

Wow, and that’s how she set you up to bring her into your home?

You are taking on too much! It’s impossible to keep this going. You’re juggling too many balls in the air.

You must make other arrangements for mom. She doesn’t control you. YOU control you. And your first responsibility is your husband, not mom.

Good luck, and I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby

Hi, so put yourself in her shoes and figure out why she is rejecting caregivers. We have been through this with my mom several times, and been through many people.

a). She does not like them, just incompatible. this is ok, find another one

b). She does not think she needs them. For this one, I get an opinion from her doctor or caregiver that she will respect.

c). you are enabling, if she rejects the caregiver and you step in every time, she will always do that. When this happens, and she wants something, I do not enable and I give her a worse option. Like when she rejected the service for transportation, I told her she can take the public bus. She did this only once, it is accessible and easy but she had to wait in the rain, and that ended the objection to using the service.

It took quite a bit of time for us to setup the right services, people and processes for my Mom to continue to live safe and independantly. Her doctor and the CCAC workers were really helpful.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to jlastwood
Davenport Mar 17, 2023
Fabulous ideas, jlastwood, thank you!! Your experience was mine as well.
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Oh, the desire to remain at home…,,,,,

That’s what my dad wanted. I was his caregiver until I couldn’t do it alone. Then I hired a 24/7 live-in plus two + others to relieve her. Fortunately he liked them. It took a great deal of management to maintain this situation. I was there too, to help them to shop, cook, schedule. He made the comment, “it’s so easy to make a hospital in your own home. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do it.” He had no idea of the stress, strain and difficulty I went through (and wouldn’t have cared anyway).

So the kicker is that after all this, in the last months of his life he thought he was in a hospital. We kept him at home and HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT.

Don’t take them too seriously.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby
LittleOrchid Mar 18, 2023
So sad. I am sorry that you had such an ordeal. I have seen it over and over again. You are so right. My sisters insisted that Mom do hospice at home because it was what Mom said she wanted. So we paid for 24/7 help because Mom was released from the hospital unable to get out of bed. Two of my sisters traded off staying with her overnight, the rest of us took turns for daytime. For the first 3 days, Mom was ecstatic, she got what she wanted, various grandchildren and great grandchildren came to visit. For the next 2 1/2 weeks it wouldn't have mattered where she was. She rarely recognized us, no longer communicated.

Some of my friends have done the same thing with their parents. There always seem to be some family members who think there is some wonderful thing about keeping the LO at home. Unfortunately, they usually are not going to be doing the caregiving and the dying person is totally unaware of where they are or who is caring for them long before death grants release to all.

I think there are too many movies out there in which dying at home is portrayed as a beautiful experience. Perhaps it is for some, but I haven't seen it yet. A nice hospital/hospice with well-rested nurses and aides and a cleaning staff is a lot better to deal with.
First of all there has never been a senior who ever lived on this planet that ever wanted to go into a "home". Maybe in some other part of the multi-verse there might be (I watched Everything, Everywhere, All At Once last night. Great movie) but not here.
I did homecare for 25 years and am going to tell you what I have told countless family members in your same situation.
Walk away. Do nothing for the stubborn elder. Force them to accept the homecare helping them OR they WILL be placed in a "home". They will end up getting sick or hurt and the state will place them against their wishes and you will let them do it.
Arrange some homecare that your mother will pay for. If she gets stubborn about it make it known that you will not tolerate her crap for another second and if she gets too pushy she will be O-U-T OUT.
Then look for assisted placement. Don't even tell her until you've found a place. Then she goes. Hopefully, she will have developed a good relationship with her homecare aide by the time she's placed and that person can continue working for her after you move her to AL.
You stop jumping through hoops for her. She runs on YOUR clock not the other way around.
You do not tolerate one moment of fussiness, orneriness, instigating, or any other kind of abusive behavior from her.
She also gets a bedtime now. At a certain time of the night she retires to her room and you do nothing for her until the morning other than bring her to the bathroom a couple of times if you need to.
This means, no snacks, drinks, conversations, nothing. You do not do not keep her company and she stays in her room watching tv, reading a book, knitting, whatever. This is your time with your husband and she will not be part of that. She stays in her room. Enforce this. It's the same as being sent to your room when you were a kid because the adults were having company. Do it though.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Mhillwt Mar 17, 2023
sorry but your response lacks empathy.....i ask the poster to realize that everyone who answers her questions has their own complicated history and that impacts how they answer the question.....where is the "love" and "compassion" in your response that sick elderly people need - its not their fault and yes, not everyone can care for them at home and yes, they might become unmanageable but that doesnt mean you run their home like a prison camp......
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