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Went back and read your profile and some other posts. I mean, why do you care if your brother gets money? It's time to move mom out. She can go to your brother's if he will take her, or she can go to a facility. Why is it your job to board and care for her so your bro can get an inheritance? 14 years is a long time, sis, a long time. Nothing is forever, it's time for her to move. At the very least get her out of the master bedroom. Start reasserting your rights.
What happened to the basement? I thought she was down there? Maybe you can rent that basement out to someone when your mom moves out to recoup whatever you've spent. I know she paid to redo the basement but is that something you wanted to do anyway or was it just for her use? You have to start thinking on your own two feet without this enmeshment with mom. You are confusing her happiness and comfort with your own, and your husband's.
Maybe it sounds harsh to you and I hope you can hear all this in the spirit in which it's given, which is that you have to draw lines. You are just as important as her, and just as important as your brother. Society is set up so that we don't notice the misogyny, we can't recognize the sexism, but that is partly what's going on here. Everyone is worried about the brother, who is not contributing at all. Break that chain.
Refer back to all your other posts for the same advice. Why are you in the same situation since 2023?
Are you just looking to vent and get sympathy or do you want real change? The problem lies within your inability to solve the issue. I suggest therapy to help you. Then real change can happen.
The question is this; What do you want to do? Why did you allow her to move into your master bedroom in the first place?
I see what happens to people when they allow guilt and frustration to take over their ability to make wise choices. Catering to elderly folks just to keep the peace is not helping you. You are wasting time, harming your marriage, and preventing your mother from getting the care that she needs.
You feel guilty for feeling this way, but frustrated that you no longer feel your house is yours. If you are caring for someone with dementia, it's time to find placement.
Tenancy-at-will requires a notification process to end the arrangement (even without any written agreement to begin with or proof of rent paid). If the tenant doesn't agree to the end of the arrangement or cooperate then it moves to eviction.
Yeah, it can be done, but all mom has to do is get a tenant lawyer to fight this for years, which ironically AoA or even aps might refer her to. Thats why in so many cases with an unwanted tenant, you literally end up having to pay them.
You muster up courage to get Mom out of your house . You tell her you can no longer provide the care she needs. I hope Mom isn’t cognizant enough to go to a lawyer and fight to stay because as stated below your Mom has tenancy .
I would like to ask a question here on your post to whomever wants to answer it.
Why would you need to even ask this question when clearly the answer is so obvious?
If you're resenting your mother occupying your master bedroom, move her out. It's your house. If you don't want her living there anymore, same answer. Move her out.
The mom has tenancy after 14 years. And I’m guessing mom was moved into the master suite because it had an adjoining bath easier for her to get to. If that wasn’t the case 14 years ago, it certainly is now.
Move mother out of your master bedroom and not ask "why should I do this"? Because you are resentful, burned out and ASKING what to do. It's like taking a baby to sleep in your bed, after being told not to, and then being resentful of the 10 yr old sleeping in your bed in your master bedroom. Actions have consequences that then must be remedied.
I see from the old thread that JoAnn brought up from below, that your mother has money, so she can afford to move out. If you, like your brother, are waiting for an inheritance, which is why you've kept her intruding on your home and marriage for fourteen years, then just give that up. Make her spend her money on her life now so that you and your husband can have your own lives now. If your brother doesn't like it, he can move her in with him. If she doesn't like it, she can ask to move with him. Otherwise, out she goes, to her own place. Fourteen years -- enough is enough!
I have to ask why 14 years ago you decided to give up your bedroom? And was your husband in agreement with this decision? (I bet not)
What are your mothers needs that it was decided that she move in with you?
First thing you do depends on what needs your mother has. If she is cognizant (and I hope not because if she is cognizant and allowed you to give up your master bedroom for her that is a selfish thing to have done..and not in the best interest of your marriage) You sit down and tell mom that she has to leave. she can go to a Senior housing in the area, get an apartment, move to Assisted Living or Independent living based on her needs .If moving out of the house is not possible then if she has not been paying her FAIR SHARE or ALL household expenses that starts now. so if there are 3 of you in the house she pays 1/3 of EVERYTHING mortgage, insurance, cable, gas, water. And she begins to pay you for ANY care that you are providing. Look up what a caregiver costs in your area and that is what she pays you. In addition to her fair share of expenses.
If mom is not cognizant then you begin to look for caregivers that will help you, And move mom to another bedroom. If it is getting difficult to care for mom then you start looking for a facility that can meet her care needs.
But you start by moving mom to another bedroom and take back your life, this is your house, your life, your marriage.
I replied to you on that other person’s thread about their elderly roommate where you gave details of your situation . You can read my reply to you there . It will show up when you go to your newsfeed .
My Sister lived with her son for over a dozen years before getting dementia , then she was placed in a board and care home after rehab . While there she finally agreed to go to a neurologist who gave her Aricept . She had better than expected TEMPORARY results from Aricept . It was enough for her to showtime well at two monthly neurology visits in a row and basically strong armed the PA to say she could go back home to her son’s home and my sister made him put that in writing . She refused to leave his office without a letter in her hand . She also made him remove Lewy Body Dementia from her diagnosis list on her portal . She insisted she never had dementia ( she does ) and that her problems were all from a bout of metabolic encephalopathy that she had prior to being placed in the board and care home . She thinks she’s cured. Her son went to the eldercare lawyer he has been using . The lawyer said she had a right to go home and that the mistake was never drawing up a lease . So now he has a lease and my sister pays him rent which he’s just been keeping in a seperate account to use for her later on . He can try the eviction process but given the history of her living there so long it would be very difficult to evict an elderly woman . Now sis is back in rehab . Back to full blown Lewy Body and nephew is at square one again . When Sis was in the board and care home she also called the Agency of Aging and lodged a complaint about my nephew placing her and wasting her money . They investigated and found no wrongdoing and the PCP said sis needed supervision . It was later that the PA at neurology reset this all back to zero again .
More info would be helpful, like how old she is and if she has the financial means to go into a facility. It doesn't matter that she won't like it -- you and your husband are the priority, not her. Your husband is a Saint for putting up with it for all this time. Your Mom will get over moving out. Your husband may one day decide he's had enough.
You need to start by finding out your Mom's financial ability to pay for facility care. If she has mobility problems, then she may need LTC.
I think you're less likely to really resent your mother if you get her out of the primary bedroom and out of your home entirely. If the latter seems excessive, then tell her that it's time for you and your husband to have the primary bedroom and that she needs to have a different bedroom.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What happened to the basement? I thought she was down there? Maybe you can rent that basement out to someone when your mom moves out to recoup whatever you've spent. I know she paid to redo the basement but is that something you wanted to do anyway or was it just for her use? You have to start thinking on your own two feet without this enmeshment with mom. You are confusing her happiness and comfort with your own, and your husband's.
Maybe it sounds harsh to you and I hope you can hear all this in the spirit in which it's given, which is that you have to draw lines. You are just as important as her, and just as important as your brother. Society is set up so that we don't notice the misogyny, we can't recognize the sexism, but that is partly what's going on here. Everyone is worried about the brother, who is not contributing at all. Break that chain.
Are you just looking to vent and get sympathy or do you want real change? The problem lies within your inability to solve the issue. I suggest therapy to help you. Then real change can happen.
The question is this; What do you want to do? Why did you allow her to move into your master bedroom in the first place?
I see what happens to people when they allow guilt and frustration to take over their ability to make wise choices. Catering to elderly folks just to keep the peace is not helping you. You are wasting time, harming your marriage, and preventing your mother from getting the care that she needs.
You feel guilty for feeling this way, but frustrated that you no longer feel your house is yours. If you are caring for someone with dementia, it's time to find placement.
Figure it out.
I hope Mom isn’t cognizant enough to go to a lawyer and fight to stay because as stated below your Mom has tenancy .
Why would you need to even ask this question when clearly the answer is so obvious?
If you're resenting your mother occupying your master bedroom, move her out. It's your house. If you don't want her living there anymore, same answer. Move her out.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-resent-my-mother-who-has-lived-with-us-for-the-last-11-years-what-should-i-do-480439.htm
And was your husband in agreement with this decision? (I bet not)
What are your mothers needs that it was decided that she move in with you?
First thing you do depends on what needs your mother has.
If she is cognizant (and I hope not because if she is cognizant and allowed you to give up your master bedroom for her that is a selfish thing to have done..and not in the best interest of your marriage)
You sit down and tell mom that she has to leave. she can go to a Senior housing in the area, get an apartment, move to Assisted Living or Independent living based on her needs .If moving out of the house is not possible then if she has not been paying her FAIR SHARE or ALL household expenses that starts now. so if there are 3 of you in the house she pays 1/3 of EVERYTHING mortgage, insurance, cable, gas, water. And she begins to pay you for ANY care that you are providing. Look up what a caregiver costs in your area and that is what she pays you. In addition to her fair share of expenses.
If mom is not cognizant then you begin to look for caregivers that will help you, And move mom to another bedroom.
If it is getting difficult to care for mom then you start looking for a facility that can meet her care needs.
But you start by moving mom to another bedroom and take back your life, this is your house, your life, your marriage.
It will show up when you go to your newsfeed .
Her son went to the eldercare lawyer he has been using . The lawyer said she had a right to go home and that the mistake was never drawing up a lease . So now he has a lease and my sister pays him rent which he’s just been keeping in a seperate account to use for her later on .
He can try the eviction process but given the history of her living there so long it would be very difficult to evict an elderly woman .
Now sis is back in rehab . Back to full blown Lewy Body and nephew is at square one again .
When Sis was in the board and care home she also called the Agency of Aging and lodged a complaint about my nephew placing her and wasting her money . They investigated and found no wrongdoing and the PCP said sis needed supervision . It was later that the PA at neurology reset this all back to zero again .
You need to start by finding out your Mom's financial ability to pay for facility care. If she has mobility problems, then she may need LTC.