My mother has a few days left and doesn’t want me to tell my estranged sister. Do I tell her after she passes?

You allegiance is to your mother! Period

Do you have proof, downloaded copies of forged checks? Also, checks with mom’s signature? That will stop her. I believe she could go to jail for forging a check. Also elder abuse.

If she has any time left, and is still coherent, I'd contact your attorney and have the estate turned into a trust. Or at the very least have your mom sign paperwork that the lawyer draws up that says anyone contesting her wishes will get nothing.

I'm in the same pickle. Although my sisters haven't stolen from my mom, they took every valuable piece of jewelry and furniture when she asked them to help her downsize. I ended up with nothing of value. Now I've been taking care of her for years and having to clean up a 20+ year old home to get ready for sale. My sisters have been nowhere for the last five years. When I asked mom to ask them if they wanted family photos, they said no. Sure, take that diamond ring, but a photo...no!

When my father died, I notified them. Big mistake. They were a****** at the funeral. When my Aunt was dying, I notified them. Big mistake. They took over rummaged through her jewelry and I believe, no real proof, hastened her death. Then made a big stink about me cleaning out her condo and sending them anything of value. When I invited them to spread her ashes at sea, they were nowhere to be found.

When my mom dies, I'm not going to contact them. I asked the attorney to contact them when she overdosed and ended up in the hospital. When she dies, I'm not going to contact them. I don't need the drama. Actions speak louder than words. Your sister sounds like an a**, just like mine. You can't pick your family, but you can pick how much drama and attention you bring on. It's her responsibility to stay in touch with mom so she knows when she passes. It's her responsibility to apologize and pay back mom, but she hasn't. She's an a******. Don't invite a****** to funerals is my moto.

Respect your mom. Do not ask your sister to come. That could destroy your mom’s last days.

Mom allowed a bad sibling to come visit her at the end of her life and it was a mistake. He would attend the doctor meetings with a tearful eye, “doctor, tell me how much time she has left…” and then go around the corner and make snide phone calls about the estate - within earshot.

I was sued by disinherited siblings and effectively defended the estate.

Don’t worry about the uncles and neighbors and all the others who will side with your bad sibling and criticize you and your mom.

Stand your ground, protect her and her wishes.

Send me private messages anytime.

Sounds like a legal mess waiting to happen. If you have Financial Power of Attorney, you can do whatever you want with mom’s money without worrying about sister’s anger. If you do not have financial PoA, you may want to talk to a lawyer first.

Tell your uncle. He can tell her. She'll find out one way or the other, but nothing says you have to do it.

I wouldn't worry about the estate. She'll get nowhere contesting it.

Kay, go on your states attorney general website and look at what amount of assets require filing of probate before you go to an attorney. This varies state to state and some are quite high.

Even with a will, if mom's assets are below this amount, you will not have to go through probate.

I also have a sister that will NOT be getting informed by me when mom dies. She will not be welcome at the funeral. She was asked not to come to dad's (after one of my nosey aunts took it upon herself to notify her - gee thanks!) and honored it. She is also disinherited. I will fight her, hard, if she thinks she is getting anything after a lifetime of crappola.

So, after your sister stole from your mom, no way is she entitled to know anything about your mom. Nor is she entitled to a penny more.

I would totally write her off and be happier without her.
Good luck.

The nice folks here that say you should honor your mom's wishes after she passes are forgetting that your mom won't be hurt by your actions - but you could be hurt! Please do what you feel is right. Maybe there's no right choice here. Maybe you pick the least troublesome or the least aggravating.

Alternately, you might ask your father's uncle to help you out and tell your sister. You don't have to explain why. That way you never told her, per your mom's wishes, but she was still told by family.

I hope your Mom put that in her Will that sister already got her inheritance. When you disinherit a child you better say why in the Will. Me personally, children should not assume they are entitled to anything.

Boy, some of us are an unforgiving bunch but I guess that comes from life experiences. Been burned too many times. And really, a child who can justify stealing from a parent has no conscious. But I have to agree that Moms wishes have to be abided by. The Uncle is not related to Mom so really has no say.

I would send a note once Mom passes informing sister that she passed and the date of the funeral. Then she has the choice to come or not come.

I so hope Mom kept proof of the theft. Sister could still contest the Will. Hard though when there is proof of wrong doing. I may even put that in the Will that sister had written checks off of Moms acct totaling $00,000 without Mom knowledge or consent and because of this, the $00,000 can be counted as sister's inheritance.

Thank you everyone. My mom told me ‘no!’ Quite firmly when I asked her last week so I will honor her wishes. When we found out she stole I asked her if she wanted to press charges. She said no. I have always tried to be friends with my sister but my whole life it’s been more about what I can do for her, then love. After the theft my mother told me ‘that’s her inheritance’ she’s already got it. Granted I feel she will come after me regardless but I hope the lawyer can help. Can someone kindly explain probate and filing? I know you want to make sure it doesn’t go to probate but I thought that was only when they don’t have a will?

Follow your mother's wishes. No, if you feel this sister still represents a danger, I would not reach out to her. It is up to Uncle what he chooses to do. You haven't spoken with her for years. She stole from your Mother. You do not owe her anything. I hope that your Mother's will is clear and clearly disinherits the sister by name. That makes it much easier if she files suit, and she CAN file suit and try to delay things. You own attorney will know what to do about all that if it happens. File probate right away, so it is clear who the executor is.
I am sorry about this loss. I am sorry for your family. We have a similar problem in my own, and everyone has been clear to say there will be no notification, no filings of notices, and no one is responsible for notification. It is sad. It happens. I am sorry, very sorry about you coming loss.

While your mother is alive, information about her and who receives it is your mother's decision and you are right to respect it, no matter what qualms you might have.

But once she has passed away, that is a matter of public record. Your mother can't choose to keep it secret from anyone. You don't have to contact your sister as in open up a conversation with her, but you should inform her, perhaps by writing a brief letter saying simply "I'm sorry to tell you that mother died on [day, date] after being ill [say what with] for [length of time]." If you think your sister will want to attend the funeral you should give her the details for that, too.

You don't have to say anything about your mother's refusal to inform your sister that she was dying, or about the will, or about anything else. You are acting correctly, and if your sister does have any questions, you've nothing to fear from them. Just treat her decently, punishing her for whatever she did before isn't your duty.

Put blinders on your eyes and forget about what your father's uncle may or may not think about your decision. Who cares? Move forward honoring MOM'S wishes only. That would be my goal if I were in your shoes: to honor my mother's wishes entirely. If this were my daughter who robbed me blind, and she suddenly showed up at my death bed b/c my other daughter wanted to give her a chance to make amends, I'd be pretty PISSED off that my wishes were totally ignored. Just sayin. She had plenty of time to make 'amends' over the past 3 years and chose not to. Death bed apologies are a waste of breath. If your sister doesn't like the fact that her mother changed her will and cut her out of it entirely, well that's just too bad, isn't it? She already stole her 'inheritance' before mom died, is the way she should look at it.

I'm sorry you are going through such an emotional time, losing your mom. Sending you a hug & a prayer for peace.

I haven't told my brother that our dad died.

He threatened him the last time he saw him, said he never wanted to see or hear from him again. Stole everything and anything he could get his hands on for decades.

So, why would I take his hate spewing about our dad when the loss hurts my heart?

Honor your moms wishes. Your sister has had 3 years to make amends, anything at this point I would question the sincerity of. Let your uncle be mad, it's not his decision to make, it's your mom's and she has spoken, she doesn't want to see your sister and that is all that matters now.

I am sorry for your impending loss.

Hard call. As you said, she'll find out even if you don't tell her. Either way, you expect fall-out. Sounds like you can't win here.

At least one reason I can think of to tell her is that she won't be able to use your lack of contact as ANOTHER reason to go off on you. And if she does go off, you've told her what you needed to tell her, and you can simply say that and sign off the call with civility.

Whew...good luck with this.

Personally I think your sister should have been brought up on charges, the Elder Financial Abuse should have been reported. Might be interesting to find out if it is to late to do that now.
But that is not your question.
Yes tell your sister.
I do believe in second chances (although my first paragraph might read differently)
I think I would give your sister a chance to make amends with mom and apologize for what she did. Talk to your mom about this. It might do them both good to do.
But if your mom really does not want her to know then tell her after mom's death but do let her know of the arrangements that are made.
WOW reading my answer it seems to be all over the place. I guess that really means there is no right or wrong answer just do what you feel is right.

After mom passes, what your sister knows or doesn’t is up to the survivors, aka you. As she’s been a grifter before, maybe don’t tell her until moms estate has been settled.