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After going through a divorce several years ago, I moved in with my mom while I tried to put my life and family back together.


Now we are in a place where I am stable, back on my feet, and raising my family. Currently, I pay the mortgage and all bills for the house, including food and all utilities.


My mom has always had mental and physical health issues. She has a long history of real and staged suicide attempts, cutting, etc. Currently she is on oxygen and has been told she needs a heart lung transplant. She also has serious arthritis and mobility issues. We’ve tried to help her with dr appointments, meds, food etc. but nothing is ever good enough and she says thing like, “you’ve hated me since you were 15,” and “don’t worry, I’ll be dead soon.” She threatens suicide in front of my kids. Whenever she gets mad she threatens me and my kids with material possessions - “that’s my couch! You aren’t allowed to sit on it.” She would threaten to sell the house and make sure we are all homeless. She will stand and mock my kids and me and then say things like, “hit me. Hit me. I know you want to hit me.” She will take off her oxygen and when we try to get her to put it back on, she says she’s just trying to speed up the process.


I was able to take over the mortgage and refinance it so it’s a joint tenant between her and I so she can’t threaten us anymore. However, now that she can’t use financial things over us, she has resorted to accusing me of beating her and trying to kill her. As a result, I’ve had to put up security cameras to record everything to try and protect myself.


I've tried talking to her doctors and because she won’t sign a POA, they won’t even speak to me. I’ve reached out to family and friends for help with no luck.


She’s great at show timing and comes across as a quirky old lady with a light-hearted personality, until she’s at home.


She also is convinced that the government is all doppelgängers and that the country is being controlled by the military. Along with other crazy conspiracy theories that she clings to.


I'm just trying to figure out how to help her and raise my family in peace. I can’t afford to buy her out. I can’t afford to move. I can’t afford to sell. I feel a sense of responsibility to help her and honor her.


Any advice would be appreciated.

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You definitely need to get you and your family away from your Mother. She is likely causing psychological harm to your children and has to you already. There are a lot of really good suggestions in response to your situation. I would also recommend calling Adult Protective Services through your Social Services Department. I would show them the video. Because she is suicidal, they may be able to help you get her to a hospital for a mental evaluation and treatment by means of enforcement. She is a danger to herself and others. Your local police might be able to help as well. Call 911 when she starts attempting suicide or if she starts talking about it. Get the proof out there to the law and you may get more support. She needs her actions to be documented. If your Mom is nearing the end of her life (6 months or less to live), consult with Hospice for advice. They are usually very supportive. Your Mom needs to be on the right kind of medication for her anxiety and depression. Can your Mom afford to stay in the house by herself? Can she afford to get help to come in? If yes, I would find an alternative place for me and my children. Even if it is for the short term until she goes to be with God. You can then check on her without your children being there and then leave. I understand how your Moms suicide attempts, meanness, illness, and narcissistic behavior has weighed on your heart, but you need to know that you can’t help her. It’s way beyond your capabilities and always has been. She needs professional help. If she refuses help, there is really nothing you can do. You need to accept that. Refuse to let her guilt you. Pray for her, check on her, but move out, and set boundaries. I would recommend counseling for you and your children. It would strengthen your emotions and help you and your children deal with this. Hugs, prayers, and strength to you!
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Next time she acts out, call 911. She needs an involuntary psychiatric admission for suicidal ideation. Many states call this the "Baker Act" and she will be mandatorily admitted for 3 days (at least) of evaluation and treatment.
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Michelle2828 Aug 2022
awesome advice. especially regarding the suicide threats.

for author:

this will set a precedence that you are no longer in a place to hear this, and make her know how serious this is causing innocent people to worry. so sad for you but I've seen and read pretty good comments in here that make sense. good luck. it sounds like you really need a break from the emotional abuse.
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If she has a history of this behavior, why did you move your children into her house?

You say you currently pay for everything because you are back on your feet. How long did she pay for everything?

When you got yourself on the mortgage, did you not consider her behavior and that you were entangling finances that made you stuck?

I am having a hard time that you are being told to have her committed, sell her house out from under her and other advice.

This was her house and home that she willingly opened to you in your and your children's hour of need, now you want her gone. Wrong? If it isn't working, you are the one to leave.
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I would contact an attorney and seek out a conservatorship. You need to put your kids first. You may be able to place your mom in a care facility without selling if she has the finances otherwise you may have to sell the home and use her half of the sale to place her. Put yourself and your kids first. They will only be kids for a short while and should not have to live with a verbally abusive person.
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My mother also refused a POA.
Was always about her and threats if she didt get her way.
My sympathy.
I would take your kids and move out. See a lawyer about
mortgage in your name now and your rights.
Also if she has threatened suicide, you may be able to call squad.
You have to decide do you honor your kids or an abusive parent?
You are not really helping her, you have made her life comfortable to live there unfortunately. Your intentions were honorable but she isnt honorable.
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72 hour psych eval AFTER you video her when she's home and threatening?

How about calling Child Protective Services to see how they rate the psychological damage from living in a psych ward? How about asking for housing assistance for you and your children?
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For a minute I thought we had the same mom!!! I 100% agree with DrBenshir!!
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I would get advice from an elder law attorney. I’m sure they’ve heard it all and will have some ideas to offer you.
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You sense of responsibility is misplaced. You are responsible for raising your kids in a healthy environment. They come first. Mom won't let you take care of her so stop trying. She doesn't want you there, so either call 911 with the next suicide threat or just move out. Get a lawyer ASAP so that the house is sold before you lose your equity and your credit rating. Mom will either take care of herself or have to go into assisted living. Stop supporting Mom and enabling an abusive parent.
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Can you take the videos of her awful behavior to her doctor or court as proof of her state of mind? Maybe you could get POA that way.

I think getting POA is the key to some of your issues. You could then take her to medical adult daycare. That would give you some piece during the day or you could hire a home health aid.
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If your name is now also on the mortgage, wouldn't you lose the house as an asset if you leave? IF your mother is also on the mortgage, you cannot "evict" her.

Your mother may take the position that you have moved in and are trying to take her home away from her.

Co-ownership complicates your situation, but your goal needs to be to separate yourself and your children from your mother.
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You can’t afford to stay.

Sell.

Find a place that is within your means: choose a peaceful and mentally healthy existence for your kids and yourself over the current situation.

Our most precious assets are time and youth. You are giving up yours and theirs.

Your mother’s manipulative tendencies could further threaten your safety and future. When you have to install security cameras to proactively defend against future false accusations, you already know you need to get out and you don’t need the advise of strangers on this forum.
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You can’t afford not to move. Or get mom out of the house. But you MUST separate yourself and your kids from her abusive behavior.

My mother became so abusive (emotionally) to my wife and I that I told her that if she didn’t stop her behavior that she was going to die a lonely woman. It did not mean I didn’t want to show her love and honor, I did. But she could not use her biological position in life to advise us.
We moved 2,000 miles away.
She wants to now move close to us, and that’s fine, but only if she goes into an assisted living situation.
SHE WILL NOT LIVE WITH ME! Enough with allowing your mom to abide you and your kids! Find a way out!
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I'm so sorry that you and your children have to go through this with your mother. You are in a difficult position, because she is not being responsible and cooperative about setting up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, having a living will and a will, etc. Try to get her to write at least a living will with her advance medical directives. Do you know if she want to have serious and risky operations like transplants? Don't let her mock you with threats or argue with her. Just walk out of the room. When you return to check on her, ask if she is ready to put the oxygen on (for example). Get connected with a local social worker who might be able to recommend a pro bono attorney for you. There may be a time when you may have to apply for guardianship over your mother.
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I can't speak much on the legalities of the living arrangement. But, when someone threatens to harm themselves or others you can call the mental health crisis hotline in your state. I've had to do that twice, not because my mom threatened to harm herself or others, but because she was older and leaving her apartment and wandering and delusional so they came out, I guess I was pretty convincing the severity of her mental state. I was able to admit her to the hospital for evaluation. Both times, they did not ask me for POA document (even though I was already), but she willingly went so that could be why (with a fight!). They deemed her not able to live alone and were going to help place her in an assisted living facility (that was my way out, but we chose to bring her to our home because couldn't afford the facility; going through the Medicaid process now). I speak to her physiatrist and doctor without proving I am POA, surprisingly. I guess given her mental instability they took my word. But, it's definitely worth becoming POA for your mom's finances/health if at all possible. No family stepped up to help me either. It may be best to look into an elderly attorney for guidance with the living situation, etc. I hope you find some resolution to all this, I know it's tough because she's your mom, but your children ultimately need to come first.
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First off--she will NOT qualify for a heart-ling transplant. The previous suicide attempts notwithstanding, her behavior now is the more determining factor.

Time to 'divorce' mom. You and your kids are better off alone than living with someone so toxic!! My mother threatened suicide on the reg, rather than parenting us, she terrified us into 'good behavior' and while YOU, as an adult can now see this, I promise you that will affect your kids.

Probably time to get a lawyer on board to split assets and to get back out of the house what's yours. I doubt mom is going to go out without a fight.

If you don't put your kids first, they are not going to be able to feel that they ARE first in your life. Kids are inherently selfish--and for good cause, they are learning how to make adult decisions. Give them a good example of a stable, kind adult.

Since you co-own the home, it's going to be a challenge, but you can do this. You can still be a part of mom's life, but on your terms.

I hate it when anyone takes advantage of a family member b/c they know they CAN. Let her know she CAN'T anymore.

Chin up--and good luck.
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Firstly, it is unlikely that she will be a candidate for a heart-lung transplant if she doesn't have a strong support system i.e. YOU in place. So, unless you agree to take on that burden, she won't be a candidate. Also, given her history of severe mental illness, I doubt she's a candidate even if you did agree. And, frankly, I would not agree to take on that responsibility.

As for your living arrangements, is the house big enough for you to separate yourself and your kids from her? Your kids really shouldn't be around her very much and watching her abuse their dad. Your obligation is to your kids.

Is your mother on Medicare and/or Medicaid?

You need to decide what you are and are not willing to do for your mother. However, her needs cannot be put ahead of your own needs and the needs of your children.
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Up until I got to the paragraph where you said you got the mortgage refinanced and your name is now on the deed I would have told you to MOVE OUT.
this environment is not good, not healthy for your kids.
You should not have gotten from the point where you were paying mortgage to putting your name on the property. If you were paying mortgage that means that you probably could have afforded rent.
If I were you I would seek the advice of a lawyer. Untangle yourself from this and move on.
You can not help her. She does not want your help.
Your sense of responsibility and honor should be first to your kids and yourself and get out of the toxic environment.

What you can do..the next time she threatens you, your kids or suicide call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid that she will do self harm, she will harm you or the kids.
The self harm you can also report to APS. And if you have video it may or may not be admissible. Some states require that both parties to consent to audio recording but video does not need consent.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2022
Arizona is a single consent state.
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I don’t quite understand how you managed to get into a joint ownership with your mother, and you definitely need a local lawyer. BUT I think some of your assumptions probably aren’t correct. This is what you ought to check:

Joint tenancy ownership can normally be severed. As a tenant in common (which is ownership, not a rental tenancy), you end up owning half and can force a sale. Either of you can buy the other one out (usually with an increase in the mortgage), or the property can be sold and you split the proceeds after paying off the mortgage. You are currently paying the full mortgage on this property, so you can probably increase it and still stay. However it might be better to sell and move - it would certainly look better, and might fit your family needs better. Mother probably won’t be able to increase the mortgage and stay, so she will have no choice other than to move into other accommodation. With her capital, she might go to AL etc, so that after a spend down she will be able to transit into Medicaid pay.

If you can get your head around that, you will see why you need to see a lawyer.

You say “feel a sense of responsibility to help her and honor her”. You will be doing that by making the changes that get her into appropriate care. She doesn’t sound at all happy with the way things are now. Bitter anger is hard to live with on both sides. Your biggest responsibility is to your CHILDREN.
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First of all, your mother does not live with you and your kids. You and your kids moved into her house, so you live with her. Secondly, the fact that she made a deal with you and her property is now a joint tenantship, does not mean that it is your house or that Medicaid will consider it your house. Move out and leave her to it. Pack up your family and find another home.
I had a similar situation and came to the conclusion that preserving assets and property isn't worth what I have to go through to keep it. So I'm walking away. You should too.
No one has to live in abuse. Not you, not your kids, and not your mother. If your mother is as ill as you say then she will have to be in a nursing home.
You say you're paying the whole mortgage, all the utility bills, and the entire food bill for yourself, your kids, and your mom. Yet, you also say that you cannot afford to move out or sell the property.
So, which statement of yours it true and which one is a lie? If you're in the good financial place you say you're in, walk away. Find a new home for yourself and your kids. I'm guessing mom pays the lion's share of the bills and you and your kids live off that. Am I wrong?
You say you are divorced so I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that your ex-husband is also the father of your kids. Did you not get a divorce settlement? Child support? Alimony?
When mom pulls off her oxygen and starts claiming she wants to die, call 911. They will admit her to the hospital for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation. You say you have suveillance cameras running 24/7 so use that footage the next time she's behaving like a sweet, quirky old lady. Show it to APS. They will have her declared incompetent and placed. Then you and your family can get on with your lives.
Look, unless half of the property your mother signed over to you was done more than five years ago, it will not be considered an exempt asset. It will be considered a gift. If she's as bad off as you are saying, she will soon be for the nursing home. The property will have to get sold. You and your kids will not get thrown out immediately, but you will have to move.
Others here advise you consult with an elder law attorney. You should just to get a starting point. Good luck to you.
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lealonnie1 Jun 2022
The OP is a man
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It's time to leave. You have to move on with your kids.

Your kids HAVE to be your first priority. You know she is very mentally unstable. This is not a person or place to raise kids around. Before long she will cut herself or attempt suicide in front of your kids, if she hasn't already. Are you okay with this?

You will not be able to raise your family in any sort of peace in her house. And deep down, you know it.

Why do you feel the need to 'honor' her? The "but it's my mother!" argument flies out the window when she is toxic to your children. She is extremely mentally ill and all the love and good intentions in the world cannot and will not help her. You hoped you and your kids would maybe help her behavior; it's obvious that it's not helping. It can't. This is severe mental illness. You can't fix or help this.

You aren't honoring mother by letting her abuse your whole family. You can honor her by making sure she is in a safe place and gets the physical and mental help she needs.

You aren't honoring yourself (aren't you worth honor too?) and sure aren't honoring your kids. You're making them pay the price for mother's issues. Just because you suffered with her as your mother, doesn't make it okay to make your kids suffer too.

You're teaching your kids to take her abuse, just like you did and still do. If you don't stand up for them or protect them, who will?

Your kids will grow up and go out into the world, and wind up in a similar abusive situation with a spouse or partner. Because you let them grow up in this mess and by default, taught them that this is the norm and they should just take it and 'honor' the abuser.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
Loopy,

It is not her home. It was one-hundred percent the mother's house.
The OP moved in several years ago with her kids because she couldn't afford anywhere else.
The mother allowed the mortgage to be refinanced and the OP's name is also on the deed now as a joint tenantship.
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Follow Alva and Lealonni's advice they are both very wise.
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Please tell me she is not on a transplant list.
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If you are paying all the bills, mortgage, food and utilities, then you can afford to stay right where you are and get mom out of there and placed in managed care. She's ruining your children's lives and that's not fair to them. It's your job to protect them from such a horrible environment. Your responsibility is to help and honor yourself and your children and to get psychiatric and/or dementia care set up for your mother. You can't raise a family in peace while she's living under the same roof.

Go speak to a certified elder care attorney immediately for guidance about your options.

Good luck to you
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I am confused by this statement: "I managed to take over the mortgage and refinance it so it's a joint tenant between her and I so she can't threaten us"?
You were not POA, and I assume you aren't the guardian of your Mother.
Exactly how have managed to end up owning half of Mom's home? Because if Mom "gifted" half her home to you she will not qualify for care from medicaid.
I am also very concerned that what has been done might be considered abuse of your Mom who sounds to be disabled mentally or suffering some dementia?
As I said, I am very concerned about all of this, and I feel that you need an expert. I would now see an elder law attorney quick as you are able to present what has been done, get information on the legalities, and explore options for Mom and yourself.
Best to you. I am certain there is lots here I am not understanding. I wish you good luck.
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