After going through a divorce several years ago, I moved in with my mom while I tried to put my life and family back together.
Now we are in a place where I am stable, back on my feet, and raising my family. Currently, I pay the mortgage and all bills for the house, including food and all utilities.
My mom has always had mental and physical health issues. She has a long history of real and staged suicide attempts, cutting, etc. Currently she is on oxygen and has been told she needs a heart lung transplant. She also has serious arthritis and mobility issues. We’ve tried to help her with dr appointments, meds, food etc. but nothing is ever good enough and she says thing like, “you’ve hated me since you were 15,” and “don’t worry, I’ll be dead soon.” She threatens suicide in front of my kids. Whenever she gets mad she threatens me and my kids with material possessions - “that’s my couch! You aren’t allowed to sit on it.” She would threaten to sell the house and make sure we are all homeless. She will stand and mock my kids and me and then say things like, “hit me. Hit me. I know you want to hit me.” She will take off her oxygen and when we try to get her to put it back on, she says she’s just trying to speed up the process.
I was able to take over the mortgage and refinance it so it’s a joint tenant between her and I so she can’t threaten us anymore. However, now that she can’t use financial things over us, she has resorted to accusing me of beating her and trying to kill her. As a result, I’ve had to put up security cameras to record everything to try and protect myself.
I've tried talking to her doctors and because she won’t sign a POA, they won’t even speak to me. I’ve reached out to family and friends for help with no luck.
She’s great at show timing and comes across as a quirky old lady with a light-hearted personality, until she’s at home.
She also is convinced that the government is all doppelgängers and that the country is being controlled by the military. Along with other crazy conspiracy theories that she clings to.
I'm just trying to figure out how to help her and raise my family in peace. I can’t afford to buy her out. I can’t afford to move. I can’t afford to sell. I feel a sense of responsibility to help her and honor her.
Any advice would be appreciated.
You were not POA, and I assume you aren't the guardian of your Mother.
Exactly how have managed to end up owning half of Mom's home? Because if Mom "gifted" half her home to you she will not qualify for care from medicaid.
I am also very concerned that what has been done might be considered abuse of your Mom who sounds to be disabled mentally or suffering some dementia?
As I said, I am very concerned about all of this, and I feel that you need an expert. I would now see an elder law attorney quick as you are able to present what has been done, get information on the legalities, and explore options for Mom and yourself.
Best to you. I am certain there is lots here I am not understanding. I wish you good luck.
Go speak to a certified elder care attorney immediately for guidance about your options.
Good luck to you
Your kids HAVE to be your first priority. You know she is very mentally unstable. This is not a person or place to raise kids around. Before long she will cut herself or attempt suicide in front of your kids, if she hasn't already. Are you okay with this?
You will not be able to raise your family in any sort of peace in her house. And deep down, you know it.
Why do you feel the need to 'honor' her? The "but it's my mother!" argument flies out the window when she is toxic to your children. She is extremely mentally ill and all the love and good intentions in the world cannot and will not help her. You hoped you and your kids would maybe help her behavior; it's obvious that it's not helping. It can't. This is severe mental illness. You can't fix or help this.
You aren't honoring mother by letting her abuse your whole family. You can honor her by making sure she is in a safe place and gets the physical and mental help she needs.
You aren't honoring yourself (aren't you worth honor too?) and sure aren't honoring your kids. You're making them pay the price for mother's issues. Just because you suffered with her as your mother, doesn't make it okay to make your kids suffer too.
You're teaching your kids to take her abuse, just like you did and still do. If you don't stand up for them or protect them, who will?
Your kids will grow up and go out into the world, and wind up in a similar abusive situation with a spouse or partner. Because you let them grow up in this mess and by default, taught them that this is the norm and they should just take it and 'honor' the abuser.
It is not her home. It was one-hundred percent the mother's house.
The OP moved in several years ago with her kids because she couldn't afford anywhere else.
The mother allowed the mortgage to be refinanced and the OP's name is also on the deed now as a joint tenantship.
I had a similar situation and came to the conclusion that preserving assets and property isn't worth what I have to go through to keep it. So I'm walking away. You should too.
No one has to live in abuse. Not you, not your kids, and not your mother. If your mother is as ill as you say then she will have to be in a nursing home.
You say you're paying the whole mortgage, all the utility bills, and the entire food bill for yourself, your kids, and your mom. Yet, you also say that you cannot afford to move out or sell the property.
So, which statement of yours it true and which one is a lie? If you're in the good financial place you say you're in, walk away. Find a new home for yourself and your kids. I'm guessing mom pays the lion's share of the bills and you and your kids live off that. Am I wrong?
You say you are divorced so I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that your ex-husband is also the father of your kids. Did you not get a divorce settlement? Child support? Alimony?
When mom pulls off her oxygen and starts claiming she wants to die, call 911. They will admit her to the hospital for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation. You say you have suveillance cameras running 24/7 so use that footage the next time she's behaving like a sweet, quirky old lady. Show it to APS. They will have her declared incompetent and placed. Then you and your family can get on with your lives.
Look, unless half of the property your mother signed over to you was done more than five years ago, it will not be considered an exempt asset. It will be considered a gift. If she's as bad off as you are saying, she will soon be for the nursing home. The property will have to get sold. You and your kids will not get thrown out immediately, but you will have to move.
Others here advise you consult with an elder law attorney. You should just to get a starting point. Good luck to you.
Joint tenancy ownership can normally be severed. As a tenant in common (which is ownership, not a rental tenancy), you end up owning half and can force a sale. Either of you can buy the other one out (usually with an increase in the mortgage), or the property can be sold and you split the proceeds after paying off the mortgage. You are currently paying the full mortgage on this property, so you can probably increase it and still stay. However it might be better to sell and move - it would certainly look better, and might fit your family needs better. Mother probably won’t be able to increase the mortgage and stay, so she will have no choice other than to move into other accommodation. With her capital, she might go to AL etc, so that after a spend down she will be able to transit into Medicaid pay.
If you can get your head around that, you will see why you need to see a lawyer.
You say “feel a sense of responsibility to help her and honor her”. You will be doing that by making the changes that get her into appropriate care. She doesn’t sound at all happy with the way things are now. Bitter anger is hard to live with on both sides. Your biggest responsibility is to your CHILDREN.
this environment is not good, not healthy for your kids.
You should not have gotten from the point where you were paying mortgage to putting your name on the property. If you were paying mortgage that means that you probably could have afforded rent.
If I were you I would seek the advice of a lawyer. Untangle yourself from this and move on.
You can not help her. She does not want your help.
Your sense of responsibility and honor should be first to your kids and yourself and get out of the toxic environment.
What you can do..the next time she threatens you, your kids or suicide call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid that she will do self harm, she will harm you or the kids.
The self harm you can also report to APS. And if you have video it may or may not be admissible. Some states require that both parties to consent to audio recording but video does not need consent.
As for your living arrangements, is the house big enough for you to separate yourself and your kids from her? Your kids really shouldn't be around her very much and watching her abuse their dad. Your obligation is to your kids.
Is your mother on Medicare and/or Medicaid?
You need to decide what you are and are not willing to do for your mother. However, her needs cannot be put ahead of your own needs and the needs of your children.
Time to 'divorce' mom. You and your kids are better off alone than living with someone so toxic!! My mother threatened suicide on the reg, rather than parenting us, she terrified us into 'good behavior' and while YOU, as an adult can now see this, I promise you that will affect your kids.
Probably time to get a lawyer on board to split assets and to get back out of the house what's yours. I doubt mom is going to go out without a fight.
If you don't put your kids first, they are not going to be able to feel that they ARE first in your life. Kids are inherently selfish--and for good cause, they are learning how to make adult decisions. Give them a good example of a stable, kind adult.
Since you co-own the home, it's going to be a challenge, but you can do this. You can still be a part of mom's life, but on your terms.
I hate it when anyone takes advantage of a family member b/c they know they CAN. Let her know she CAN'T anymore.
Chin up--and good luck.
My mother became so abusive (emotionally) to my wife and I that I told her that if she didn’t stop her behavior that she was going to die a lonely woman. It did not mean I didn’t want to show her love and honor, I did. But she could not use her biological position in life to advise us.
We moved 2,000 miles away.
She wants to now move close to us, and that’s fine, but only if she goes into an assisted living situation.
SHE WILL NOT LIVE WITH ME! Enough with allowing your mom to abide you and your kids! Find a way out!
Sell.
Find a place that is within your means: choose a peaceful and mentally healthy existence for your kids and yourself over the current situation.
Our most precious assets are time and youth. You are giving up yours and theirs.
Your mother’s manipulative tendencies could further threaten your safety and future. When you have to install security cameras to proactively defend against future false accusations, you already know you need to get out and you don’t need the advise of strangers on this forum.
Your mother may take the position that you have moved in and are trying to take her home away from her.
Co-ownership complicates your situation, but your goal needs to be to separate yourself and your children from your mother.
I think getting POA is the key to some of your issues. You could then take her to medical adult daycare. That would give you some piece during the day or you could hire a home health aid.
How about calling Child Protective Services to see how they rate the psychological damage from living in a psych ward? How about asking for housing assistance for you and your children?
Was always about her and threats if she didt get her way.
My sympathy.
I would take your kids and move out. See a lawyer about
mortgage in your name now and your rights.
Also if she has threatened suicide, you may be able to call squad.
You have to decide do you honor your kids or an abusive parent?
You are not really helping her, you have made her life comfortable to live there unfortunately. Your intentions were honorable but she isnt honorable.
You say you currently pay for everything because you are back on your feet. How long did she pay for everything?
When you got yourself on the mortgage, did you not consider her behavior and that you were entangling finances that made you stuck?
I am having a hard time that you are being told to have her committed, sell her house out from under her and other advice.
This was her house and home that she willingly opened to you in your and your children's hour of need, now you want her gone. Wrong? If it isn't working, you are the one to leave.
for author:
this will set a precedence that you are no longer in a place to hear this, and make her know how serious this is causing innocent people to worry. so sad for you but I've seen and read pretty good comments in here that make sense. good luck. it sounds like you really need a break from the emotional abuse.