My husband doesn’t understand my resentment which pisses me off. He feels like I should “want” to do it because it’s my father in law. I’m a stay at home mom to a 2 yr old which already took up all my time BEFORE he moved his father in on Thanksgiving. When my husband comes home from work he always wants us all to “hang out” like one big happy family, but he doesn’t understand that that’s the last thing I want to do is “hang out” with is dad after taking care of him/his needs all day. I don’t want to hang out with dad. I can't stand to be in his presence. I always go upstairs and go to bed with our child, and let them hang out because that’s the only “me“ time I get. All my husband wants to do is talk about his dad all the time when he’s not home. He'll call or text me 50x/day from work to see how his dad is doing. Now mind you, my mom had a stroke 3 wks before he moved his dad in and he hasn't asked me once how my mom is doing, but he wants me to be sooo involved with his dad. It's like he's forgotten that he's married, and what his priorities should be. His father is eligible for home care (all the things I'm doing) in his own home paid by the government BUT instead my husband wants him living with us in a county where he's not eligible for anything, so any care, meds, clothes, food etc is coming out of our pocket which makes me so mad because we have a growing child in the home and he should be our only financial responsibility. My husband has 4 other siblings that are not pitching in to help with care, finances etc.....nothing. I feel like they should because it's their dad. I'm so disgusted by this whole situation and my husband acts like everything is peachy keen.
get your FIL things packed up and have him ready to go back to his house. No discussion entered into Inform all of his children Perhaps enlist help of younger brother.
it is correct that he should sell his house and move into assisted living. If anyone objects tell them to take FIL home to live with them
take control and get your life back on track
It sounds like he panicked.
I had extenuating circumstances because mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina. Still, I didn’t just move mom in to live with us.
We had evacuated to a hotel, then a friend insisted we stay at her house in Houston until we could return to New Orleans.
I asked my husband how he felt about her living with us. If he would have objected I would not have had her living with us.
It is very hard having a parent living in your home. I have two children and they were both home when mom moved in. It’s hard juggling everything. My marriage took a hit. Having a parent live in our homes definitely changes things, not always for the better. For some, it works but still has it’s challenges.
I am glad that you are not taking care of his personal needs. You have enough to do with your child. You no longer have privacy in your home. I hope you get this situation resolved soon.
You have discussed your feelings with him. You’re in therapy. You have addressed the important issues. Not sure what else you can do. Is your husband going to join you at some point in time with therapy?
My therapist told me that he recommended that my husband attend some sessions. My husband went to discuss certain situations with me. I feel it helps to have a professional mediator at times. Best wishes to you.
If hubs thinks daddy dearest is going to live with you permanently, then you've got a BIG problem that needs more help than we here on the forum can give you. My step daughter announced she's coming to visit for 2 weeks and I'm pissed.......why? Because after 3 days ALL guests stink like fish.
Your FIL should not be allowed to overstay his welcome. Outline YOUR feelings on the matter to hubby and perhaps you can reach a compromise. If not, the TWO of them can bunk together somewhere ELSE while you and your child go about your lives in your home.
Good luck!
Are you able to communicate at all with the other adult siblings? I don't know that will be the answer but are they sympathetic at all to this situation? Perhaps you should have your husband read all the advice and opinions offered here. I do agree it is terribly wrong and hope you are able to find some solution. Both my mother and late MIL went to AL when the time came. They were not the fanciest of places but there was no question of that being what would happen. I am so sorry for all you are going through.
There must have been conversations, if not before then since. He acts like it's peachy keen - is he deaf? Stupid? Or have you not told him truthfully how you're feeling about this?
When people are all excited and enthusiastic about a dreadful, impractical plan they've just come up with (it's very early days for all of you) they do not pick up signals. It is time for plain words, and a properly figured out plan for your FIL's care.
Mind you - you seem very well-informed about your FIL's eligibility for support and benefits. So... have there in fact been earlier family discussions about his future? What happened?
There was a discussion about him needing care when he was in the hospital after he was to be released a week before Thanksgiving. But that discussion did not include him needing care in our home. My assumption and conclusion of that conversation was exactly that... him needing care. My FIL was released on Thanksgiving so when my husband showed up with him I thought it was for him celebrate the holidays with us only – not to move him in.
The only reason why I am so well informed of his eligibility is because he has been hospitalized several times before last year due to congestive heart failure and heart surgery, and I asked then if he was eligible for care in his home – that’s why I know so much.
My FIL has always lived in his own home even after all his hospital stays and my husband and his siblings have just stopped by his home whenever and cared for him. He has never lived with any of them.
”When people are all excited and enthusiastic about a dreadful, impractical plan they've just come up with” .... you have described this better than I ever could, because this is exactly my husband in a nutshell. We have had many fights and arguments since my FIL has been in the house because I’m not one to bite my tounge .I have used the plainest of words, but my husband feels that since it is my FIL I should want to do it. He’s far from deaf, stupid, or dumb, he purposely suffers from selective hearing in my opinion.
It's unfortunate that you and your husband did not have a discussion about this before you married him. Maybe he just assumed that you would be fine with a scenario such as this.
If your husband cares about you he should be open to what your wishes are and willing to compromise. You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion. Good Luck!
That is a pretty stark reality, and it CAN happen. This is not about you or dad, it's about his child and dad.
Please give him that choice. Because it WILL happen, sooner or later.
This is a marriage issue and one that wants looking after. I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist, but be aware that the only thing you can change is YOU.
Are you prepared to leave over this issues? Does husband realize this?
Look for areas of compromise. But not discussing this with you beforehand is a huge red flag about how he views your place in the marriage. Which is at a rung lower than his dad.
Have you tried to have a calm, adult convo with hubby about this? FIL needs another caretaker, not you. Does he not have ANY money? He must get something?
This is unfair on so many levels. To you, your child, your marriage. Even to your FIL.
You guys need to talk about options. Seeing a therapist would be helpful as well.
And those 10,000 texts a day? They need to stop ASAP. Ridiculous!
I would call social services at the Dept of Health and Human Services about qualifying your FIL for Medicaid and in-home services until he can find another place to live. Under no circumstance should your FIL live with you permanently. Your mom needs some attention too, until she can get back on her feet and stabilized. How this care will fit into the family schedule will need to be had with your husband. As a family you both have a lot on your plates. There was a reason you picked your husband to marry. Please try to remember what that was and who that person was as you go on this journey together. There will always be challenges that put pressure on your marriage. Better to figure out now how to deal with them in healthy ways. If he refuses to go to counseling or discuss the problems and work towards a mutual solution, then that's the time to leave for a while, or longer since he has chosen his father over you and your child. I wish you all the best!
Until you can pack your bags..when your husband leaves in the morning turn off the phone. Or when he calls just don't answer. There is no need for 50 calls or texts per day if it were anyone else you could probably charge them with harassment.
If you don't like the idea of going to visit family or a friend save ALL the laundry from your FIL, and your husbands, save all the dishes from your FIL and your husband. He can do all that when he comes home. If FIL is using his own bathroom hubby can clean that as well.
The time that you would have been doing all the cleaning go see a movie, go to the library (both places you have to turn phone off)
I also strongly encourage you to talk to a lawyer and make sure you are protected. I hate to say it but this marriage does not sound like it is a safe equitable one and he (hubby) needs a wake up call. I hate the d.iv.o.r.c.e. "solution" because no one but the lawyers "win" in a divorce but seeing you, mom, being treated this way is no way to raise your child.
when hubby complains...point out to him that he thought it was ok to do this to you...without any discussion.
bigger issue is this man and this marriage. This is a huge big deal. He took not one thought as to your well being (caregiving often causes major health problems from the stress) or the well being of this marriage.
think long and hard about marriage to a man who sees you and your input as so inconsequential he doesn’t even need to consider you. If it was me, I would lay the law down...he moves out, you get a PAID caregiver, or I file for divorce, PICK ONE.
my father in law moved in with us for a “temporary stay”. I did agree. But, the man was a horrible pig. First time hubby had to be responsible for cleaning up the mess he got a NH placement that same week. (think using towels instead of toilet paper...then stuffing them into corners and hiding it)
He needs to be woken up, his wife and minor children are his first priority, there is no room for negotiation there.
Do you have somewhere else to go for a period of time so that he can experience full time care taking? I would go and let him fend for himself with his father.
He has put his father ahead of you and your child, this is wrong on so many levels. Be strong don't let your husband walk all over you, FIL needs to go or you and your child need to take a walk.
Did you have no inkling if this before you married?
He has an expectation that you will care for his father AND like doing it. You can't change that. The only thing you can change is your own behavior.
If you were not at home to do the caregiving, what do you suppose he would do?
Have you thought about getting a job outside the home, finding a good day care for your child? That would force your husband to make other arrangements for his dad.
Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor with your husband to work on your very different expectations?
Would you feel better caring for his dad if he understood that you need some time to recharge at the end if the day? And if there was some respite?
Your husband has unrealistic expectations of you and that he moved his dad in without you being on board is a big red flag for your marriage.