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My husband doesn’t understand my resentment which pisses me off. He feels like I should “want” to do it because it’s my father in law. I’m a stay at home mom to a 2 yr old which already took up all my time BEFORE he moved his father in on Thanksgiving. When my husband comes home from work he always wants us all to “hang out” like one big happy family, but he doesn’t understand that that’s the last thing I want to do is “hang out” with is dad after taking care of him/his needs all day. I don’t want to hang out with dad. I can't stand to be in his presence. I always go upstairs and go to bed with our child, and let them hang out because that’s the only “me“ time I get. All my husband wants to do is talk about his dad all the time when he’s not home. He'll call or text me 50x/day from work to see how his dad is doing. Now mind you, my mom had a stroke 3 wks before he moved his dad in and he hasn't asked me once how my mom is doing, but he wants me to be sooo involved with his dad. It's like he's forgotten that he's married, and what his priorities should be. His father is eligible for home care (all the things I'm doing) in his own home paid by the government BUT instead my husband wants him living with us in a county where he's not eligible for anything, so any care, meds, clothes, food etc is coming out of our pocket which makes me so mad because we have a growing child in the home and he should be our only financial responsibility. My husband has 4 other siblings that are not pitching in to help with care, finances etc.....nothing. I feel like they should because it's their dad. I'm so disgusted by this whole situation and my husband acts like everything is peachy keen.

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Can you and your toddler go away for a few weeks? Let your husband do 100% of the care?

Your husband has unrealistic expectations of you and that he moved his dad in without you being on board is a big red flag for your marriage.
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It sounds as though you and your husband have very different expectations about what a marriage is.

Did you have no inkling if this before you married?

He has an expectation that you will care for his father AND like doing it. You can't change that. The only thing you can change is your own behavior.

If you were not at home to do the caregiving, what do you suppose he would do?

Have you thought about getting a job outside the home, finding a good day care for your child? That would force your husband to make other arrangements for his dad.

Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor with your husband to work on your very different expectations?

Would you feel better caring for his dad if he understood that you need some time to recharge at the end if the day? And if there was some respite?
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A marriage comes first and so a child will have a foundation. MILs and your FILs are secondary. Toddlers require an abundance of attention.
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Red flag alert, there is a problem here...it is your husband. Apparently his view of marriage is to step back in time..like 50 years ago, when the man totally ruled the castle...when the woman was nothing but a secondary citizen.

He needs to be woken up, his wife and minor children are his first priority, there is no room for negotiation there.

Do you have somewhere else to go for a period of time so that he can experience full time care taking? I would go and let him fend for himself with his father.

He has put his father ahead of you and your child, this is wrong on so many levels. Be strong don't let your husband walk all over you, FIL needs to go or you and your child need to take a walk.
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mla2019 Dec 2019
I wouldn’t say my husband walks all over me because I am no doormat for anybody , but in this particular situation I definitely agree with you that HE is solely the problem and culprit in this whole thing. I told him from day one when he moved his father in that I wasn’t doing anything hygienic with his dad, so if he wanted his dad to be smelling good he would have to handle it. Needless to say, his dad has had two baths since Thanksgiving only because my husband "had" to do it. He was utterly disgusted both times because of the way his dad smelled. His dad is not a very hygienic person and he has not brushed his teeth since Thanksgiving because he does not want too. I unfortunately, do not have anywhere else to go because my family lives overseas and none of my friends live close. I tend to run a lot of errands where I stay out for very long periods of time so I don’t have to come home to the hot mess that my house is right now.
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I would take my child and go visit family and friends for at least 2 weeks...maybe much longer.

when hubby complains...point out to him that he thought it was ok to do this to you...without any discussion.

bigger issue is this man and this marriage. This is a huge big deal. He took not one thought as to your well being (caregiving often causes major health problems from the stress) or the well being of this marriage.

think long and hard about marriage to a man who sees you and your input as so inconsequential he doesn’t even need to consider you. If it was me, I would lay the law down...he moves out, you get a PAID caregiver, or I file for divorce, PICK ONE.

my father in law moved in with us for a “temporary stay”. I did agree. But, the man was a horrible pig. First time hubby had to be responsible for cleaning up the mess he got a NH placement that same week. (think using towels instead of toilet paper...then stuffing them into corners and hiding it)
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mla2019 Dec 2019
he moves out, you get a PAID caregiver, or I file for divorce, PICK ONE.......I'll go for #1.....getting a paid caregiver means his dad has to move in permanently which I definitely don't want. I don't even want to see his dads face at this point. I'm not filing for divorce because this is the 1st time in 10 yrs he has ever done anything like this, and I'm not willing to break up our home. I just need his dad to leave.
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You’re mom just had a stroke? I would tell hubby that your mom needs you and take the baby and go visit her. For a few weeks.
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mla2019 Dec 2019
As far as my mom, I should of clarified. My mom lives overseas so she's cared for by some of my siblings back home. My point of mentioning that was just because he did bother to ask nor show any concern about my mom's well being but wants me to be ALL consumed caring for his dad.
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I think a little visit to some family members is just what you and your toddler need. If you have no fmaily nearby how about moving into FIL's house for a while, seems like it is empty right now correct? And someone needs to check on it, make sure things are in working order...
Until you can pack your bags..when your husband leaves in the morning turn off the phone. Or when he calls just don't answer. There is no need for 50 calls or texts per day if it were anyone else you could probably charge them with harassment.
If you don't like the idea of going to visit family or a friend save ALL the laundry from your FIL, and your husbands, save all the dishes from your FIL and your husband. He can do all that when he comes home. If FIL is using his own bathroom hubby can clean that as well.
The time that you would have been doing all the cleaning go see a movie, go to the library (both places you have to turn phone off)

I also strongly encourage you to talk to a lawyer and make sure you are protected. I hate to say it but this marriage does not sound like it is a safe equitable one and he (hubby) needs a wake up call. I hate the d.iv.o.r.c.e. "solution" because no one but the lawyers "win" in a divorce but seeing you, mom, being treated this way is no way to raise your child.
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mla2019 Dec 2019
I only have one sister that lives close and she's a hoarder. The rest of my family lives in Europe. My sisters house is like the show Hoarders...no joke....her house is disgusting. His dads house is equally as disgusting. It's roach and rodent infested and his dad has never wanted to do anything about it. In the 10 yrs I've been with my husband, I've probably visited his dad with him a handful of times and stayed in there 10 min tops, if even that. His dad is not very hygienic put it that way, which is another reason why I hate having him here. We are very clean people, borderline nest freaks. I wouldn't be caught dead in his dads house and none of my other friends live close at all. The D word is not something I'm contemplating because we were doing fine before his dad. I’m not willing destroy my sons life, safe and secure environment. I just need his dad out of the house and my husband can go visit and spend time with him at his house as much as he wants too.
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I think you should ignore the advice about up and leaving for a while. You need to find a reputable marriage counselor and tell your husband it is urgent you both go. If he balks about the cost, remind him how much people spend to repair cars. You need to write down on paper what the problems are so that you can have a mature adult conversation with him. Here is what a counselor taught us how to communicate over contentious things: "When you do this ____ it makes me feel like _____." or "When _____ happens it makes me feel/think _____." "When you made the major decision to move your father into our home without any discussion, it made me feel like unloved, like nothing more than a servant." "When you come home and want to "hang out" with your dad and not with me and our child, it makes me feel like you have no understanding (or do not care) what I've done all day and that what I've done all day is not important." etc., A marriage counselor will be objective and help keep the conversations productive and teach you how to function in a healthy way as a team for life. A counselor will probably give you "homework" to practice together. You need to do this for yourself and your baby. No one is perfect, and marriage is a garden that needs continual cultivation and weeding as we all grow and change over time. No one stays the same all their life.

I would call social services at the Dept of Health and Human Services about qualifying your FIL for Medicaid and in-home services until he can find another place to live. Under no circumstance should your FIL live with you permanently. Your mom needs some attention too, until she can get back on her feet and stabilized. How this care will fit into the family schedule will need to be had with your husband. As a family you both have a lot on your plates. There was a reason you picked your husband to marry. Please try to remember what that was and who that person was as you go on this journey together. There will always be challenges that put pressure on your marriage. Better to figure out now how to deal with them in healthy ways. If he refuses to go to counseling or discuss the problems and work towards a mutual solution, then that's the time to leave for a while, or longer since he has chosen his father over you and your child. I wish you all the best!
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FloridaDD Dec 2019
IMHO, marriage counseling only works if both parties want it to work.   I don't think OPs DH will be motivated until he understands how much work is involved.
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Wow, this is a pretty horrible situation. Care taking is hard enough if you have made a conscious choice to do so. Never mind if it was thrust upon you.

Have you tried to have a calm, adult convo with hubby about this? FIL needs another caretaker, not you. Does he not have ANY money? He must get something?

This is unfair on so many levels. To you, your child, your marriage. Even to your FIL.

You guys need to talk about options. Seeing a therapist would be helpful as well.

And those 10,000 texts a day? They need to stop ASAP. Ridiculous!
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MLA, is there some cultural expectation in husband's mind that says one must personally care for parent? And that wife should do it gladly?

This is a marriage issue and one that wants looking after. I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist, but be aware that the only thing you can change is YOU.

Are you prepared to leave over this issues? Does husband realize this?

Look for areas of compromise. But not discussing this with you beforehand is a huge red flag about how he views your place in the marriage. Which is at a rung lower than his dad.
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mla2019 Dec 2019
My husband is American so there's definitely not a cultural expectation. Again, my husband has never done anything like this in the 10 yrs we've been together so this is not a common occurrence, that's the why it's thrown me for such a loop. And YES, I go to therapy for me...not to try to change my husband.
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It's also a bad thing that your family is paying out of pocket for FIL's care needs. That's just irresponsible, IMHO.
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Is your husband willing to see his 2 year old son taken by Child Protective Services when a neighbor calls them when they see the fact that this elderly unwashed person has access to your child?

That is a pretty stark reality, and it CAN happen. This is not about you or dad, it's about his child and dad.

Please give him that choice. Because it WILL happen, sooner or later.
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You never said what culture you were brought up in but stated that you are of European descent? Am I correct? The reason I ask is I know in certain cultures it is expected that the D I L will look after the in laws. My husband is of a different background than I. I know when I first met him his parents would make offhand remarks that led me to believe that they expected that I would move in with them, clean their home, cook for them etc. Sorry! No Freaking Way! As soon as I realized this I made it undeniably clear to my hubs that hell would freeze over before that ever happened. I told him that and I made it pretty clear to his parents too.

It's unfortunate that you and your husband did not have a discussion about this before you married him. Maybe he just assumed that you would be fine with a scenario such as this.

If your husband cares about you he should be open to what your wishes are and willing to compromise. You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion. Good Luck!
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mla2019 Dec 2019
My father was Swedish and my mother is Liberian. I grew up in Sweden in a fairly liberal home. I know that in my moms culture, children are expected to care for their parents but this is not something that has been in forced upon me nor my siblings ever growing up. I definitely agree with that he assumed that this would be OK with me, but I'm my mind - I have no idea how and why because I would never really want to go with him and visit his dad when he used to go. I can count on one hand how many times I've been to his dad house in 10 yrs. The few times I’ve agreed to go with him and visit, I barely lasted 10 min in that nasty house.
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I want to know HOW your husband smuggled his father into the house without discussing it with you beforehand. Who got his room ready? Who found the clean bedding and the towels? Who picks up the meds and does the grocery shopping?

There must have been conversations, if not before then since. He acts like it's peachy keen - is he deaf? Stupid? Or have you not told him truthfully how you're feeling about this?

When people are all excited and enthusiastic about a dreadful, impractical plan they've just come up with (it's very early days for all of you) they do not pick up signals. It is time for plain words, and a properly figured out plan for your FIL's care.

Mind you - you seem very well-informed about your FIL's eligibility for support and benefits. So... have there in fact been earlier family discussions about his future? What happened?
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mla2019 Dec 2019
Well to answer your questions… We have a guestroom in the house that’s always ready. I have not changed the bedding or provided any towels since my FIL has been here. My husband has had to do that along with washing his dads less than pleasant clothes and underwear. When I go grocery shopping, I shop for “our”family… I don’t go out of my way to purchase any specially requested groceries for my FIL, and I don’t pick up his meds.

There was a discussion about him needing care when he was in the hospital after he was to be released a week before Thanksgiving. But that discussion did not include him needing care in our home. My assumption and conclusion of that conversation was exactly that... him needing care. My FIL was released on Thanksgiving so when my husband showed up with him I thought it was for him celebrate the holidays with us only – not to move him in.

The only reason why I am so well informed of his eligibility is because he has been hospitalized several times before last year due to congestive heart failure and heart surgery, and I asked then if he was eligible for care in his home – that’s why I know so much.

My FIL has always lived in his own home even after all his hospital stays and my husband and his siblings have just stopped by his home whenever and cared for him. He has never lived with any of them.

”When people are all excited and enthusiastic about a dreadful, impractical plan they've just come up with” .... you have described this better than I ever could, because this is exactly my husband in a nutshell. We have had many fights and arguments since my FIL has been in the house because I’m not one to bite my tounge .I have used the plainest of words, but my husband feels that since it is my FIL I should want to do it. He’s far from deaf, stupid, or dumb, he purposely suffers from selective hearing in my opinion.
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It sounds as though you are in a marriage in which your opinion doesn't count; otherwise the FIL would never have entered your home and your care. I think, if you have family, it is time to leave home to be with them, so that your husband understands where HE stands in 24/7 care of this gentleman. I would not be staying in the home, myself. I am sorry, but it seems that there are no clear boundaries here at all, and some are going to have to be recognized or this will just go on, and to be frank you are then only his slave labor, without any say in anything at all. This won't be easy. But I think that you will not even be able to DISCUSS it until you are physically gone, and your husband must discuss it.
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mla2019 Dec 2019
Well.... I need to correct you on being in a marriage where my opinion doesn’t. This is the first time in 10 yes he has ever done anything like this. Everything else is always a discussion. I don’t know why he made the choice he made in regards to his father.
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I agree this is awful but don't feel you should have to leave your home with your child even if you did have a place to go.

Are you able to communicate at all with the other adult siblings? I don't know that will be the answer but are they sympathetic at all to this situation? Perhaps you should have your husband read all the advice and opinions offered here. I do agree it is terribly wrong and hope you are able to find some solution. Both my mother and late MIL went to AL when the time came. They were not the fanciest of places but there was no question of that being what would happen. I am so sorry for all you are going through.
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Is it possible your husband has only moved his father into your home for a short while, so he can recuperate before returning to his own home? Whether you believe that to be the case or not, I'd tell your husband that father has X amount of time to stay in your GUEST ROOM, as a guest, and then he is expected to leave and return home. If there is an end in sight to this misery, you'll likely be more accommodating to your father in law and less panic stricken by this situation in general.

If hubs thinks daddy dearest is going to live with you permanently, then you've got a BIG problem that needs more help than we here on the forum can give you. My step daughter announced she's coming to visit for 2 weeks and I'm pissed.......why? Because after 3 days ALL guests stink like fish.

Your FIL should not be allowed to overstay his welcome. Outline YOUR feelings on the matter to hubby and perhaps you can reach a compromise. If not, the TWO of them can bunk together somewhere ELSE while you and your child go about your lives in your home.

Good luck!
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mla2019 Dec 2019
I totally agree with your response. I'm going to address the issue again after the holidays when all the festivities are over. Even if, his plan is for his dad to be a here only for a short while I'd still feel the same way about it, simply because he didn't discuss his intentions with me, and still would feel that the majority of care taking should be my husbands responsibility. I'm so sorry to hear about your step daughter. Have you addressed the issue with her? BO is one of my major pet peeves.
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I can’t imagine your husband not discussing this with you. My mom lived with us. The first person I discussed it with was my husband. I understand him being concerned for his dad. He can still be involved with his dad’s well being. Your husband can speak to a social worker to find out what steps need to be taken for your father in law to live independently or in a facility.

I had extenuating circumstances because mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina. Still, I didn’t just move mom in to live with us.

We had evacuated to a hotel, then a friend insisted we stay at her house in Houston until we could return to New Orleans.

I asked my husband how he felt about her living with us. If he would have objected I would not have had her living with us.

It is very hard having a parent living in your home. I have two children and they were both home when mom moved in. It’s hard juggling everything. My marriage took a hit. Having a parent live in our homes definitely changes things, not always for the better. For some, it works but still has it’s challenges.

I am glad that you are not taking care of his personal needs. You have enough to do with your child. You no longer have privacy in your home. I hope you get this situation resolved soon.

You have discussed your feelings with him. You’re in therapy. You have addressed the important issues. Not sure what else you can do. Is your husband going to join you at some point in time with therapy?

My therapist told me that he recommended that my husband attend some sessions. My husband went to discuss certain situations with me. I feel it helps to have a professional mediator at times. Best wishes to you.
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mla2019 Dec 2019
I must say... you’re response is amongst a few of the kinder ones I’ve received. Thank you for that. 💖.I’m so sorry to hear about your moms home. Is she still living with you all or has she been able to get herself situated? Yes, I can def say that there’s no longer any privacy in our home for sure. I have discussed going to therapy together, or even him going on his own to speak to a minister at our church if he was more comfortable doing that ... and so far no go. The only reason why I think he is more opposed to talking to someone at church is because he would actually have to face real facts and those facts are; that he is biblically WRONG in this situation. I have also talked about this whole situation with a minister at our church and he agreed that my husband was absolutely wrong in this situation. I don’t know how religious you are, but my husband bases 95% of things on biblical facts, and there are so many scriptures that go against the decision he’s made in our home. We’ve been together for 10 years and every decision we have made in our home, we’ve made together until this point… That is why this whole situation has thrown me for such a loop. He has never done anything like this before but I’m dead set on rectifying this situation because I am not going to be living like this permanently. I refuse.
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I think your husband could possibly be a narcissist If you can you should move out Give a deadline for FIL to be gone. See what happens. Ringing that many times a day is obsessive and compulsive behaviours. Something is very wrong in your situation. Is this the first time this type of behaviour has occurred? How many times a day would he usually call you. Has he made major decisions like this before? This is a very grandiose behaviour. Have you spoken to his siblings and if so what has been their reaction
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mla2019 Dec 2019
Yes, this is the first time he has ever done anything like this including the calls. He's definitely NOT a narcissist. I have a good relationship with his biological younger brother. They are 5 siblings total, where of 2 are my FIL second wife's children that she already had when they met and then they had 1 son together. My FIL'S wife passed 2 yrs ago. I don't have a bad relationship with any of his siblings but it's not like I talk nor hang out with them outside of family events. I've spoke to the younger brother and he's definitely more realistic about this whole situation. He doesn't want his father living with him. He wants to put his dad in AL and sell his dads house. From my understanding from talking to him, the other siblings have every excuse in the book (health issues, no room, sick spouses, live too far away etc) as to why they're father can't live with them.
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Was there an option for FIL go to go rehab? Did DH discuss where his dad was going to live with the discharge folks at the hospital, do you know?

It sounds like he panicked.
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What does your husband have against his dad being in Assisted Living?
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OK. Going by your reply I would say, for whatever reason, your husband acted on impulse and is now in major panic mode. He has dug a big hole for himself and (naturally) you are going to have to get him out.

get your FIL things packed up and have him ready to go back to his house. No discussion entered into Inform all of his children Perhaps enlist help of younger brother.
it is correct that he should sell his house and move into assisted living. If anyone objects tell them to take FIL home to live with them

take control and get your life back on track
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You said this is the first time he ever made a big decision without consulting you. Have you asked him why he felt the need to decide this without your input? I am sure he felt there was nothing else he could do, but take his father in. However he is not the one expected to do the work. I'm not advocating divorce if he is as good as you say he is. You need to sit him down and tell him that this current situation is not doable. You are not comfortable with FIL living in your home. He has one month to figure out an alternative to FIL living with you. No excuses, FIL needs to be gone from your home by 1/15/20.
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mla2019 Dec 2019
I’m definitely not contemplating the D word at all because aside from this situation. He’s a hard worker, great provider, a good husband and a good father. I’m def giving him a deadline after the holidays though. I’m going to let him enjoy the holidays with us (although I’ll hate every second of it) but after that he has to go.
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