My husband doesn’t understand my resentment which pisses me off. He feels like I should “want” to do it because it’s my father in law. I’m a stay at home mom to a 2 yr old which already took up all my time BEFORE he moved his father in on Thanksgiving. When my husband comes home from work he always wants us all to “hang out” like one big happy family, but he doesn’t understand that that’s the last thing I want to do is “hang out” with is dad after taking care of him/his needs all day. I don’t want to hang out with dad. I can't stand to be in his presence. I always go upstairs and go to bed with our child, and let them hang out because that’s the only “me“ time I get. All my husband wants to do is talk about his dad all the time when he’s not home. He'll call or text me 50x/day from work to see how his dad is doing. Now mind you, my mom had a stroke 3 wks before he moved his dad in and he hasn't asked me once how my mom is doing, but he wants me to be sooo involved with his dad. It's like he's forgotten that he's married, and what his priorities should be. His father is eligible for home care (all the things I'm doing) in his own home paid by the government BUT instead my husband wants him living with us in a county where he's not eligible for anything, so any care, meds, clothes, food etc is coming out of our pocket which makes me so mad because we have a growing child in the home and he should be our only financial responsibility. My husband has 4 other siblings that are not pitching in to help with care, finances etc.....nothing. I feel like they should because it's their dad. I'm so disgusted by this whole situation and my husband acts like everything is peachy keen.
Your husband has unrealistic expectations of you and that he moved his dad in without you being on board is a big red flag for your marriage.
He needs to be woken up, his wife and minor children are his first priority, there is no room for negotiation there.
Do you have somewhere else to go for a period of time so that he can experience full time care taking? I would go and let him fend for himself with his father.
He has put his father ahead of you and your child, this is wrong on so many levels. Be strong don't let your husband walk all over you, FIL needs to go or you and your child need to take a walk.
Did you have no inkling if this before you married?
He has an expectation that you will care for his father AND like doing it. You can't change that. The only thing you can change is your own behavior.
If you were not at home to do the caregiving, what do you suppose he would do?
Have you thought about getting a job outside the home, finding a good day care for your child? That would force your husband to make other arrangements for his dad.
Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor with your husband to work on your very different expectations?
Would you feel better caring for his dad if he understood that you need some time to recharge at the end if the day? And if there was some respite?
If hubs thinks daddy dearest is going to live with you permanently, then you've got a BIG problem that needs more help than we here on the forum can give you. My step daughter announced she's coming to visit for 2 weeks and I'm pissed.......why? Because after 3 days ALL guests stink like fish.
Your FIL should not be allowed to overstay his welcome. Outline YOUR feelings on the matter to hubby and perhaps you can reach a compromise. If not, the TWO of them can bunk together somewhere ELSE while you and your child go about your lives in your home.
I would call social services at the Dept of Health and Human Services about qualifying your FIL for Medicaid and in-home services until he can find another place to live. Under no circumstance should your FIL live with you permanently. Your mom needs some attention too, until she can get back on her feet and stabilized. How this care will fit into the family schedule will need to be had with your husband. As a family you both have a lot on your plates. There was a reason you picked your husband to marry. Please try to remember what that was and who that person was as you go on this journey together. There will always be challenges that put pressure on your marriage. Better to figure out now how to deal with them in healthy ways. If he refuses to go to counseling or discuss the problems and work towards a mutual solution, then that's the time to leave for a while, or longer since he has chosen his father over you and your child. I wish you all the best!
It's unfortunate that you and your husband did not have a discussion about this before you married him. Maybe he just assumed that you would be fine with a scenario such as this.
If your husband cares about you he should be open to what your wishes are and willing to compromise. You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion. Good Luck!
Are you able to communicate at all with the other adult siblings? I don't know that will be the answer but are they sympathetic at all to this situation? Perhaps you should have your husband read all the advice and opinions offered here. I do agree it is terribly wrong and hope you are able to find some solution. Both my mother and late MIL went to AL when the time came. They were not the fanciest of places but there was no question of that being what would happen. I am so sorry for all you are going through.
when hubby complains...point out to him that he thought it was ok to do this to you...without any discussion.
bigger issue is this man and this marriage. This is a huge big deal. He took not one thought as to your well being (caregiving often causes major health problems from the stress) or the well being of this marriage.
think long and hard about marriage to a man who sees you and your input as so inconsequential he doesn’t even need to consider you. If it was me, I would lay the law down...he moves out, you get a PAID caregiver, or I file for divorce, PICK ONE.
my father in law moved in with us for a “temporary stay”. I did agree. But, the man was a horrible pig. First time hubby had to be responsible for cleaning up the mess he got a NH placement that same week. (think using towels instead of toilet paper...then stuffing them into corners and hiding it)
Until you can pack your bags..when your husband leaves in the morning turn off the phone. Or when he calls just don't answer. There is no need for 50 calls or texts per day if it were anyone else you could probably charge them with harassment.
If you don't like the idea of going to visit family or a friend save ALL the laundry from your FIL, and your husbands, save all the dishes from your FIL and your husband. He can do all that when he comes home. If FIL is using his own bathroom hubby can clean that as well.
The time that you would have been doing all the cleaning go see a movie, go to the library (both places you have to turn phone off)
I also strongly encourage you to talk to a lawyer and make sure you are protected. I hate to say it but this marriage does not sound like it is a safe equitable one and he (hubby) needs a wake up call. I hate the d.iv.o.r.c.e. "solution" because no one but the lawyers "win" in a divorce but seeing you, mom, being treated this way is no way to raise your child.