Follow
Share

I can't go anywhere by myself anymore. I can't even go out to get the mail without him following me. I need to be alone to have some "me" time but he won't let me. He sits next to me just staring off into space thinking?! He asks me the same questions over and over. That isn't what I am so upset about it's when he is active he wants me to have sex with him and doesn't understand that his constant advances are turning me off completely. He is more persistent than when we were first married. I am 74 and haven't been interested since he retired 3 years ago and started demanding sex every day. He gropes me all the time and says "I've been working since I was 12 so now that I'm retired we can have sex all the time". Is this normal with dementia patients? It's getting to the point now that I can't stand to be touched.


I can't talk about this with anyone. I have two daughters but I don't want them to think less of their father for the way he treats me.

Find Care & Housing
Talk to his doctor about an antidepressant. Some of them have impotence or reduced sex drive as a side effect. Among those that decrease libido are Celexa, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Paxil, Paxil CR, Prozac and Zoloft.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to anonymous439773
Report
Riverdale Aug 19, 2018
I hate to be asking you this during your very recent loss. I am not familiar with you and your situations on this site but I gather your husband was not sick so I am very sorry. Regarding your responses to antidepressants and loss of sex drive which are left that dont cause that. Only asking you as your response seemed to be a recent one.
(1)
Report
OP never said that she and DH are not sexually active, but that the concerning thing is the changes in her husband's behavior. It sounds like the sexual advances are becoming obsessive, rather than just the normal sex drive, and that it's not just the obsessive behavior with regard to sex, but the memory issues, asking the same questions over and over, and the shadowing and clinginess.

It's that her husband hasn't been his normal self in the past couple of years and has increasing memory difficulties, which can be a red flag for neurological issues like dementia.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to FrazzledMama
Report

I think his Dementia has hit that part of the brain. I really feel for you. I personally can't do needy. I can't stand someone in my kitchen when I am trying to get something done.

I agree, maybe there is a med. Can you find a friend who will sit with husband while you get away for a couple of hours? It can be going to the library so you can read in quiet. Or even a bookstore that has a cafe. A quiet park. Or, just sitting in your car. Just get out.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I have been experiencing the same problem with my husband (age 88) for the past 3 years. For the past 18 months he has accused me of entertaining all the men in the neighborhood, inviting them to my home since he is now in a nursing home. We have been married for 63 years and it is very hard to hear him talk like this. This goes on every time I visit. Then he wants me to have sex with him every time I visit. He is on medications (Zoloft and estradiol transdermal patch) but It hasn't entirely eliminated this behavior. I visited with a friend who has worked in the area Veterans home for a number of years and she said this is common with men more than women. They seem to regress to younger years and this is their focus. Talk to your dr and be very candid. This is not a time to be embarrassed.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Rutucker
Report

I'd put in a call to his doctor to see what they would recommend. There might be medication that would help with some of the repetitive behavior. If the frequency of the advances seems to have increased recently, they may want to test him for UTI.

Personality changes are common with dementia and other neurological disorders, as is the following you around or copying your movements (commonly called "shadowing"). UTI, however, can cause odd behaviors as well, or worsen the dementia already present.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to FrazzledMama
Report

River dale, I did answer recently. I answered from the perspective that the wife wanted some relief. From experience working in a dementia/elderly mental health facility I mentioned medications that reduce sex drive. They do not cause any permanent harm and the doses can be made very low with minimum reduction. And a doctor would have to prescribe with other meds and overall health in mind.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to anonymous439773
Report

Thank you all for your responses. I have talked to his doctor about his memory issues and the doctor gave him the "remember three items test" which he passed ?!? The doctor doesn't think he has a problem but then again he needs to live in my shoes to see why I'm concerned. We have been married over 50 years so this is really hard to see his whole personality change. His friend takes him on day trips on rare occasions. Most of his friends are aware of his memory issues but he has a way of playing them off to cover for any mistakes. Thank you again.

I almost forgot - no pun intended - he has vision problems and doesn't drive so I am his chauffeur. He likes to go some place every day as entertainment even if it's just out to eat or to the store.

Also, I have told him I don't like his constant advances but it doesn't seem to register with him. It's like he only cares about his needs. I know he has a sickness and I am trying to be patient but some times it is really hard.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Embarrassing
Report
FrazzledMama Aug 19, 2018
I'd bring up the shadowing and the repetitive sexual advances to his doctor too. He may want to refer him to a neurologist to have him evaluated further if he hasn't been diagnosed with dementia. Sounds like that could be what's going on. Look up "showtiming" as well. That could explain why he is able to cover up his memory issues in front of friends.
(6)
Report
I must say I am a bit perplexed at the answers you women are giving this lady. Not that her complant isn’t semi-valid. But your advice; “Get his doctor to put him on anti-depressant medication, because one of the side effects is a reduced sex drive”, makes me glad I am not married. Especially to a woman who would put me on anti-depressant medication just because I wanted to have sex with my wife at 73 years old. 73 is not that old, even with dementia. Why isn’t anyone telling her maybe she should go to a doctor to find out what is wrong with her. Maybe she needs to be put on medication. Here’s my advice. Get him a gym membership and ask your daughters to take him twice a week to his 1-hour appointment with his 55 year old female battleship physical fittness trainer. Sign you and him up for dance lessons twice a week in the evening. Group and private lessons for each of you. If you want your daughters to think better of him, and you, get him an entirely new updated wardrobe, including new sunglasses. Hire a house cleaning crew of four big women to come in every other week for two hours and clean. Let him chase them around while you go out. And oh by the way, tell your daughters that you and dad will be going on a cruise twice a year from now on. That is what people who have worked since they were 12 do when they retire.

This reminds me I need to rewrite my revocable living trust document.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daveunave
Report
scotchtape2112 Aug 22, 2018
Daveunave, your reply is entertaining, but I think you may have missed the gist here. My husband’s sexual behavior is no longer normal due entirely to his dementia. It is truly like baring your body to an insane person. It is unnerving. We are used to our sexual relationships with our husbands and before dementia ruined it, we found comfort and reassurance even as we aged. Regular sex is not the topic here. Being groped, goosed, prodded, grabbed...almost constantly is not ok, it is abusive. But who can hold a dementia patient accountable for abuse? See the problem? You do know that this site is for caregivers. This isn’t a dating site for healthy, active, sane people. Our world, our homes, our lives (yes, our sex lives) are no longer normal.
(11)
Report
See 2 more replies
I understand completely! At least my husband doesn’t follow me around. But I avoid his advances like the plague and I will be honest here. He never knows when to stop! He can’t “do it” anymore. He doesn’t even kiss right. It’s a nightmare. I get panicky when he corners me.
I don’t have answers, I’m sorry. But I surely am relieved that you opened the subject for conversation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to scotchtape2112
Report

My mother (The Prude) became obsessed with sex when she suffered from dementia as well. Only with her, it was everyone else in the facility who was “doing it”. And I do mean everyone. Her constant raving about how the facility was “a brothel” grew very tiresome after a while and I finally told her to be a lady and ladies don’t talk like that. It cooled her off somewhat.

Just tell him no. Maybe ask the doctor how you might be able to get him interested in something so he’ll leave you alone. Do you have a home health aide who could stay with him while you “escape”?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report

See All Answers
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter