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I can't go anywhere by myself anymore. I can't even go out to get the mail without him following me. I need to be alone to have some "me" time but he won't let me. He sits next to me just staring off into space thinking?! He asks me the same questions over and over. That isn't what I am so upset about it's when he is active he wants me to have sex with him and doesn't understand that his constant advances are turning me off completely. He is more persistent than when we were first married. I am 74 and haven't been interested since he retired 3 years ago and started demanding sex every day. He gropes me all the time and says "I've been working since I was 12 so now that I'm retired we can have sex all the time". Is this normal with dementia patients? It's getting to the point now that I can't stand to be touched.


I can't talk about this with anyone. I have two daughters but I don't want them to think less of their father for the way he treats me.

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OMG! I am going through the same issues as Embarrasing.

It may seem funny to some and not a big problem. But when it is almost constant, it is not fun at all.

I belong to a caregiver support group but certain topics are difficult in a large group.

Thanks.
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So sorry that you have no rest. Becoming an object for sex is hard at any age, but even worse when you're older & desire only companionship & the respect you're due. I encourage you to get away from him on a regular basis. If he won't allow it, he can't comprehend your real value, (& you have every right to call the police if he forces you). Please forgive my bluntness. God bless you.✌
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Not much left in his life but sex, probably.
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My heart goes out to you. My husband is the same way. If I were to say "no", he would say that we always had sex! Of course that was 35 years ago. I'm glad that this question was asked, because when I mentioned it to my husband's doctor, she told me to enjoy it!

I have learned to think of Dementia/Alzheimer like the development of a baby growing up. . .only in reverse! My husband has regressed and he is now in his 20s! At 85 years of age, he tried to have a fight with another senior male in the Wal-Mart parking lot!

Thank you everyone for being here. I'm glad I found this site!
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shad250 Aug 2018
Doctor in this case may be right.
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Some forms of Dementia an increased sex drive is common.
The following you around is more of a need for reassurance, safety, and to make sure you are not leaving him. My Husband did the same thing. Yes it got frustrating at times.
Keep in mind that most behaviors will stop as the person declines. (good thing/bad thing that double edge sword)
Question for you...can he have sex or is he just thinking he can? Would he be satisfied with cuddling, hand holding? How about a back rub at night? I am thinking a lavender body lotion just might relax him and help him drift off to sleep. If these suggestions would not satisfy him or if this truly is more than you can tolerate there are medications that might help. If he becomes VERY persistent to the point where this might become violent then you may have to consider placing him in a Memory Care facility.
I also think a good Support Group might help you as well. Trust me there is not a subject that is unheard of or talked about during some of these meetings. And knowing what others have done in the same circumstances can help.
You also NEED to talk to your doctor. Or you need to talk to your doctor about the possibility of referring you to a therapist that can help you deal with these changes. Or both.
And I also have to tell you that the more stressed you are the less you even want to think about some hand holding time, cuddle time. If it is like what I went through after doing 4 or more loads of laundry every day (with just 2 of in the house) making sure everything is done I was exhausted. BUT I look back on the times that I did cuddle up in the bed, sit next to him and hold hands, give him a back rub and I now miss that.
So remember that the things that frustrate you now will change and you will have new frustrations.
I always told people in the support groups I go to that your worst day now will be one of your better ones in 3, 6, or 12 months.
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I understand completely! At least my husband doesn’t follow me around. But I avoid his advances like the plague and I will be honest here. He never knows when to stop! He can’t “do it” anymore. He doesn’t even kiss right. It’s a nightmare. I get panicky when he corners me.
I don’t have answers, I’m sorry. But I surely am relieved that you opened the subject for conversation.
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OP never said that she and DH are not sexually active, but that the concerning thing is the changes in her husband's behavior. It sounds like the sexual advances are becoming obsessive, rather than just the normal sex drive, and that it's not just the obsessive behavior with regard to sex, but the memory issues, asking the same questions over and over, and the shadowing and clinginess.

It's that her husband hasn't been his normal self in the past couple of years and has increasing memory difficulties, which can be a red flag for neurological issues like dementia.
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I must say I am a bit perplexed at the answers you women are giving this lady. Not that her complant isn’t semi-valid. But your advice; “Get his doctor to put him on anti-depressant medication, because one of the side effects is a reduced sex drive”, makes me glad I am not married. Especially to a woman who would put me on anti-depressant medication just because I wanted to have sex with my wife at 73 years old. 73 is not that old, even with dementia. Why isn’t anyone telling her maybe she should go to a doctor to find out what is wrong with her. Maybe she needs to be put on medication. Here’s my advice. Get him a gym membership and ask your daughters to take him twice a week to his 1-hour appointment with his 55 year old female battleship physical fittness trainer. Sign you and him up for dance lessons twice a week in the evening. Group and private lessons for each of you. If you want your daughters to think better of him, and you, get him an entirely new updated wardrobe, including new sunglasses. Hire a house cleaning crew of four big women to come in every other week for two hours and clean. Let him chase them around while you go out. And oh by the way, tell your daughters that you and dad will be going on a cruise twice a year from now on. That is what people who have worked since they were 12 do when they retire.

This reminds me I need to rewrite my revocable living trust document.
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scotchtape2112 Aug 2018
Daveunave, your reply is entertaining, but I think you may have missed the gist here. My husband’s sexual behavior is no longer normal due entirely to his dementia. It is truly like baring your body to an insane person. It is unnerving. We are used to our sexual relationships with our husbands and before dementia ruined it, we found comfort and reassurance even as we aged. Regular sex is not the topic here. Being groped, goosed, prodded, grabbed...almost constantly is not ok, it is abusive. But who can hold a dementia patient accountable for abuse? See the problem? You do know that this site is for caregivers. This isn’t a dating site for healthy, active, sane people. Our world, our homes, our lives (yes, our sex lives) are no longer normal.
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River dale, I did answer recently. I answered from the perspective that the wife wanted some relief. From experience working in a dementia/elderly mental health facility I mentioned medications that reduce sex drive. They do not cause any permanent harm and the doses can be made very low with minimum reduction. And a doctor would have to prescribe with other meds and overall health in mind.
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I have been experiencing the same problem with my husband (age 88) for the past 3 years. For the past 18 months he has accused me of entertaining all the men in the neighborhood, inviting them to my home since he is now in a nursing home. We have been married for 63 years and it is very hard to hear him talk like this. This goes on every time I visit. Then he wants me to have sex with him every time I visit. He is on medications (Zoloft and estradiol transdermal patch) but It hasn't entirely eliminated this behavior. I visited with a friend who has worked in the area Veterans home for a number of years and she said this is common with men more than women. They seem to regress to younger years and this is their focus. Talk to your dr and be very candid. This is not a time to be embarrassed.
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I now wish I had kept a journal but my husband was also obsessed w sex at beginnng of his cognitive imparment/alz. He was put on antidepressant not for sex reason but the sex problem did end. I wish I had timed the two now but hang in there. I read one lady told her hubby those parts don't work anymore. By the way he's had known alz 11 yrs. Still home, sleeps a lot.
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If it is dementia, he may be perceiving things from a younger man's perspective when you both were sexually active, years ago.  From a man's view, pulling away from him may be increasing his pursuing of you.  Medicating away his sexual desire ought to be a last resort, not the first.  If you can figure out an acceptable way to help him get his sexual needs met, on a biological level it may help reduce his craving for awhile.  From what you said, it sounds like it won't make it worse.  This is just a thought about a different way to address this issue, and hopefully give you some relief.
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My response is going to be lighthearted, not an insult. Please do not take offense.

I have the opposite problem. My husband who has dementia is much older than I am. He has lost all interest in sex as his disease progresses. However, I am still in my “youthful” time and want intimacy. I do not cheat on my husband, so I enter into my little fantasy world from time to time when needed. Oh well, we cannot have it all. 😁
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Riverdale, the anti-depressant Welbutrin does not decrease sex drive nor does Latuda which is prescribed for bipolar depression.
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Riverdale Aug 2018
Thank you.
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Talk to his doctor about an antidepressant. Some of them have impotence or reduced sex drive as a side effect. Among those that decrease libido are Celexa, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Paxil, Paxil CR, Prozac and Zoloft.
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Riverdale Aug 2018
I hate to be asking you this during your very recent loss. I am not familiar with you and your situations on this site but I gather your husband was not sick so I am very sorry. Regarding your responses to antidepressants and loss of sex drive which are left that dont cause that. Only asking you as your response seemed to be a recent one.
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I am not aware of any med that will reduce a man's interest in sex. Would he be content with some sexy cuddling or does he absolutely want everything?
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Thank you all for your responses. I have talked to his doctor about his memory issues and the doctor gave him the "remember three items test" which he passed ?!? The doctor doesn't think he has a problem but then again he needs to live in my shoes to see why I'm concerned. We have been married over 50 years so this is really hard to see his whole personality change. His friend takes him on day trips on rare occasions. Most of his friends are aware of his memory issues but he has a way of playing them off to cover for any mistakes. Thank you again.

I almost forgot - no pun intended - he has vision problems and doesn't drive so I am his chauffeur. He likes to go some place every day as entertainment even if it's just out to eat or to the store.

Also, I have told him I don't like his constant advances but it doesn't seem to register with him. It's like he only cares about his needs. I know he has a sickness and I am trying to be patient but some times it is really hard.
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FrazzledMama Aug 2018
I'd bring up the shadowing and the repetitive sexual advances to his doctor too. He may want to refer him to a neurologist to have him evaluated further if he hasn't been diagnosed with dementia. Sounds like that could be what's going on. Look up "showtiming" as well. That could explain why he is able to cover up his memory issues in front of friends.
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My mother (The Prude) became obsessed with sex when she suffered from dementia as well. Only with her, it was everyone else in the facility who was “doing it”. And I do mean everyone. Her constant raving about how the facility was “a brothel” grew very tiresome after a while and I finally told her to be a lady and ladies don’t talk like that. It cooled her off somewhat.

Just tell him no. Maybe ask the doctor how you might be able to get him interested in something so he’ll leave you alone. Do you have a home health aide who could stay with him while you “escape”?
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I think his Dementia has hit that part of the brain. I really feel for you. I personally can't do needy. I can't stand someone in my kitchen when I am trying to get something done.

I agree, maybe there is a med. Can you find a friend who will sit with husband while you get away for a couple of hours? It can be going to the library so you can read in quiet. Or even a bookstore that has a cafe. A quiet park. Or, just sitting in your car. Just get out.
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I'd put in a call to his doctor to see what they would recommend. There might be medication that would help with some of the repetitive behavior. If the frequency of the advances seems to have increased recently, they may want to test him for UTI.

Personality changes are common with dementia and other neurological disorders, as is the following you around or copying your movements (commonly called "shadowing"). UTI, however, can cause odd behaviors as well, or worsen the dementia already present.
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