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I am my husband's caregiver. My husband is very angry that he is ill and he takes out his anger on me. My husband is very verbally abusive and at times his behavior will go on for hours. At this point in time he has not been physically abusive. Sometimes the things that I say, even though I am trying to help him, will trigger his anger. My question is how do I handle this? Yesterday was a very difficult day. I even called my Son for help and later in the day I called the Social Worker. The Social Worker stated that I may need to leave my home. I am 67 and retired from my job in July of 2018. The dementia has gotten worse over the last 2 years. At this time my husband is not a candidate for a Nursing Home, he scored too low (a 3, you need a 4 or 5 to be consider for a Nursing Home) on the PRI Assessment. We cannot afford assisted living since it is out of pocket. We do not have long term care insurance since my husband was diagnosed 17 years ago when he was 56 years of age. Any suggestions? Thanks

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The instant he starts acting up, immediately call the police and/or 911 and tell them he is threatening you physically and you are terrified. Try to get him to take him to the hospital for "observation" or whatever they do. When they want to send him back, you stand firm and say NO. NO. NO. I assure you that with or without money the agencies involved will be forced to do something and put him somewhere. There is money and help for people with not much money - you just have to find it and social workers and other professionals can help you. YOU MUST FIND A WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME - NOW - BEFORE HE DESTROYS YOU. Don't be afraid - get tough. Force the issue and embellish it to the authorities if you need to but do NOT cave in. Get him out - now!
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Is he a Veteran?
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"You may have to leave your home." - I love it. I'm in the same spot. With one disabled poor friend with no room in her little apartment and no family or support system, this is what "Social Services" tells you? I believe it because as a psychiatric nurse for 15 years I watched a lot of Social Workers clock out early to meet at the local bar after always, always promising patients they'd get right to them "in an hour". After cocktail hour?

Per notes about VA below I have to state that I voted for President Trump and listen to all his stump speeches about how much he's done for "our wonderful veterans". Phooey. = What with this invasion of our country and BS about protecting the U.S. I now am an official "Trump Chump" too. I don't mean to get political BUT illegal immigrants will get what you need ASAP, sweetie: a home, medical care, Food Stamps and other essential freebies.

If your money is tight can you get some other woman (maybe through your church or a friend's church) that has the same needs? Maybe your church will give you two a financial kick-start financially. So many denominations have HUGE amount of monies to help ladies like you.

This site is a prayer. A community prayer. Stay with it. If anything it is salve for the wound that we are NOT the only ones. For myself, I want an efficiency room for my bed, computer, paintings from a lifetime, pictures from same, and peace. You can LEAVE the furniture. You'll be shocked how all of it will quickly become meaningless and an easy price for a longer, happier life with PEACE and FREEDOM. Remember, folks are living longer now. You stand to have at least 3 more decades and those can truly be your golden, rainbow-filled times. Believe!
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thank you for the support and information. I have contacted a caregiver association and they are sending out a Nurse this Wednesday to assess my husband and the situation. I am looking to find proper placement for my husband.
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Somehow you need to contact the local Office on Aging and other professionals to get help to get him moved into a facility. You must find a way via Medicaid - there is help, you just have to find it. If this man is so abusive, it is OVER AND DONE WITH AS FAR AS YOU TAKING CARE OF HIM. He would be "dead" in my book and I would do whatever I could do to get him gone. Also check with the doctors to see if they can have him admitted into the hospital and once there, you can refuse to take him home. I don't know all the rules but there is help. You just have to find it. The fact is - YOU HAVE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM HIM AND HE SHOULD GE THE ONE TO GO - NOT YOU. Get busy doing some research and making lots of calls - I know you can do it even if it is tough road. You have to do this now before he destroys you. And in the meantime, when he "attacks" you, I would stand my ground and let him have it with a gigantic explosion coming from me telling him that you will no longer tolerate his abuse and nastiness. And stand firm no matter what he says or does. If it gets really bad, call the police. Have you talked with your son that something must be done. He must get involved too. Good luck and prayers.
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thank you for your support. I have contacted the Office for the Aging, and they are sending me information about placement. I have a Nurse coming out this Wednesday to assess my husband and the situation. I also have met with an Elder Source lawyer to help with the finances. I am looking for proper placement for my husband.
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Why is the social worker stating that YOU may have to leave your home? I understand that you need to be safe from harm's way, but to move you out of your own home?! Wow. That would be horribly upsetting. And you've endured this for 17 YEARS? Good Heavens.
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Wait, has he been this evil for the past 17 years? If so, you are a saint! If this is fairly recent, it could be Lewis Body Dementia setting it. It goes with Parkinson’s. He needs to be seen by his Doctor to know for sure. But there are medicines to calm him down, either way. If he won’t take them, crush them and hide them in his food, whatever you need to do.

We are here to talk anytime, sending hugs from Florida
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
The anger has always been there, but in the past we would be able to discuss it. Within the last 2 years his symptoms have been worse and he is experiencing more difficulty functioning. I have contacted an Elder Source Lawyer and also a Caregiver Agency and they are sending a Nurse this week to evaluate the situation. Thanks again
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My husband also has the same disease. He gets very frustrated sometimes and will cuss. This annoys me a lot and can challenge me. I have to bite my tongue.
So I try to not say anything to provoke him.

I have heard that you should not correct, or try to reason with them. After a while they will calm down, at least some of them do and by all means do not try to challenge.

This is a dreadful illness. My husband was never like this before. Every now and then he will apologize. Hang in there. I have many conversations with the Lord that seems to help me.

You are not alone in this. Hugs to you. 🙏
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Riley2166 Apr 7, 2019
Personally, I don't give a dam what is wrong with someone and why they are so abusive. I have lived a hard, heartbreaking life and I learned far too late there are times one has to stand up and fight back - hard - to the "near" death if need be. And if people are abusive, GET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AT ONCE. Do not be afraid of him - that is abusing you with his power to control you. Instead let him have it with both barrels. It may not fix or change things but you will feel better that you stood up to him and you will have more self respect. Do not let him get away with this.
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My husband had a stroke eight years ago the past two years he has developed some behavior/anger/stubbornness issues. We discussed this with his neurologist she requested a geriatric mental health specialist. Seems to be helping us right now. I thought we needed marriage counciling but he needed someone that is familiar with Aphasia. We keep working at communicating. He meets with the specialist when her time allows. He chose to meet with her by himself which is fine! I am praying for some continued improvements!
DL
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I went to VA office for my mother (Spouse of WWII Vet) w appointment. I had all necessary forms & paperwork already filled out so he could file immediately) it took about 6 months to get Aid & Attendance. Social Worker not too smart because she didn’t make plan for another caregiver to fill in after you leave house. You must get another caregiver so you get respite. Don’t replace your job with this abuse you’re taking. You didn’t retire for that. If you tell Dr or call 911 that you’re unable to care for him since you are burned out ...if you feel more comfortable with that rather than saying he’s a monster that you’re afraid of...because in those psych wards are not pretty, I understand. However, this psych ward hospital is last resort if all else does not work. Has his dr prescribed Seroquel? My mother takes that for agitation from dementia. Get hubby used to having other caregivers take care of him. Even just to get him washed & dressed every day. Develop a routine. Also please don’t ever try transferring him or you can get injured. Good luck & let us know how it goes. Hugs 🤗
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Teresa914 Apr 10, 2019
Seroquel definitely helped my mom. She was so combative and hateful, threatening me all the time. She's been on it for about a year now. Now, when she does have an angry outburst she immediately apologies and says she doesn't mean it.
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Arden Courts is a 100% memory care provider and is a community with experienced dementia experts. I can assure you that my response is not a personal opinion as it is a professional suggestion.

It sounds to me that his PDD is accompanied by Lewy Bodies Dementia (LBD). I suggest bringing this to his neurologist's attention. Has he had a brain scan? This will confirm if it is LBD.

Knowing which EXACT form of dementia changes so much in how we interact with that person. I encourage you to look up LBD and see if the behaviors are familiar.

But always remember that your loved one isn't acting this way on purpose. Try not to get angry or upset or take it personally.

Speak calmly and softly to the person.

If the behavior is aggressive, back away. Give your loved one space. Then calmly approach him or her. Don't argue.

Consider the potential cause of the behavior. Is your loved one tired, hungry, in pain, frustrated, lonely, bored? Could it be a side effect of medication?

Respond to the emotion, not the behavior. Avoid trying to reason with the patient, this may often lead to frustration for both of you, because he may be unable to follow lengthy explanations.

Having a Lewy Body diagnosis may change the guidelines for admission in some places bc it is a high functioning form of dementia but with behavioral disturbances (early). Make sure to involve his neuro and be honest of your fears and concerns regarding his behavior. He may have a better chance of having him placed somewhere bc he knows LBD.
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thanks for the support, I have spoke with the Neurologist about LPD and he stated that my husband does not have it, he does have Parkinson's Dementia, he is on seroquil. I don't think it is helping. I have a Nurse coming this Wednesday to assess the situation. I have also met with the Elder Source Lawyer to help with finances. The office for the aging is sending information about placement in a Nursing Home. Thanks again.
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The social worker needs to find someone who can take care of your husband before you move out. I can’t see him taking care himself alone. Was he abusive prior to his disease? Also, he would need to take heavy duty Valium or antidepressants. If your state allows for Marijuana, I am thinking it would help to calm him down. Ask his doctor or neurologist.
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thank you for your support. We used to get along, the last 2 years have been difficult. His Neurologist is aware of the situation. I am not moving at this time. I have a Nurse coming this Wednesday to assess the situation. I have met with the Elder Source Lawyer to help with the finances. I am looking for proper placement for my husband. This has been a very difficult process. Thanks again
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To Hell with their ”scoring” system; your life & wellbeing are at stake. You need help! Seeing a neurologist (already suggested) might help. But
you need to be concerned for your safety!
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thank you for your support. I will call 911 if things get out of hand again. I am not going to wait for something to happen. Thanks again.
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We went through something similar with pops which eventually ended up with him punching me in the face several times and my adult sons having to step in and pull him off of me. He's nearly 6ft tall and 180 pounds, I'm only 5ft tall so I'm no match for him when he gets physical. We were strongly considering placing him in a care home but tried a new neurologist who diagnosed his Pseudo Bulbar Affect and gave him medication to help control with his mood swings. He can still be very mean now and then but no more violence or screaming outbursts. Maybe if you can get him to a Neurologist they can help. Sometimes the medication route takes a lot of trial and error but it's worth it. If the medication had not worked for pop we had been told that we must call the police during one of his rages and have them take him to Psyche in order for him to get emergency inpatient care.
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Riley2166 Apr 7, 2019
Every time I read these stories, I can't begin to fathom why people allow this abuse. These people are not who they may have once been when they were lovable (maybe ??). They are monsters now and will be bigger monsters with time. You will be destroyed if you allow this to go on. They must be removed.
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Talk to his neurologist about his combativeness- it is very common with dementia patients. I put my father on anti-psych meds and it brought him back to his kind and charming self. If he isn't already on memory drugs (namenda, aricept, etc.) those might be helpful. Medicare should cover most of this as well as home care.
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
The Neurologist is aware and my husband is taking medication. I think that it is time for placement into a Nursing Home. I have done everything I can do be supportive. It is time I begin taking care of myself. Thanks
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Hello, it is definitely heart renching to go through this every day! You are courageous, and totally understand that you need care. The only advice I can give is you need to contact department of Aging and Disability from Social security, they have several programs to help you with in home care.

Respectfully,
A Caregiver
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thanks for the support. I am beginning the process of placement into a Nursing Home. I have a Nurse coming out this Wednesday to assess the situation. I appreciate your comments. Life is hard at times, but I have done all that I can for him, now I need to take care of myself.
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How long ago was he assessed? Is it possible in time things may have changed or that another person doing the assessment might see something differently?

Without your presence I'm guessing he would not be able to function as well and that might be the tipping point, hence the SW's comment...and wonder if your staying with your son, if that's possible, for a while, might result in some action.

I would think it might be worth the investment to find a certified elder law attorney who charges flat rates for consultations and forms for some guidance.

You sound concerned about the potential for physical abuse, so maybe there might be some resources at your local domestic violence agency. .

I would also connect with your Area Agency on Aging for any caregiver support programs that might at the least potentially offer you some respite.

Sending hugs and good luck...
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thanks for your support. I have a Nurse coming out on Wednesday to assess the situation. I have done all that I can. Now I need to take care of myself.
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You are stuck in a hard place. Is he on medication for his dementia? And his Parkinson’s? I know my client was. My clients’ primary care and neurological physicians offered several times medication to calm her down. we did try it once or twice but it seem to make her go off the deep end ( incoherent/Batty) even more and I was told that was normal in the beginning and she would even out, but I never could wait it through. So maybe that’s an option. I remember the neurologist really trying to get me to get her to participate in a new drug for people with Parkinson’s and dementia. That was a study going on in 2017-2018. Do you have a neurologist for him? If you don’t have a neurologist, ask the primary care physician for a referral to one. I’m sorry I don’t remember the name of the study or the medication. We didn’t want her to be a guinea pig on a new medication and her bouts of being nasty weren’t that often and we could usually control her by confronting her about her behavior. We would either leave her alone, or if she was in a mood not to allow that to be, we would politely tell her we wouldn’t except being treated that way and we would work with her as soon as she would stop treating us badly. She could be quite stubborn. it could be up to an hour or two before she would cooperate. Or we have to just wait until the next shift of caregivers. we would politely continue to work but keep our distance as much as possible. Our Mrs. tried to be violent but she was too weak fortunately to be any threat, Unless you were brushing her teeth - you’d have to watch your fingers!

Your situation is a little different being it’s your husband. seriously, if you feel your husband is a violent threat, get some help before he does. At least educate yourself on what you can do. In that case I understand what the social worker is saying and you’ll need help. Contact your local office on aging or other government program - if you start asking around you’ll get directed to the right place - for some assistance. On a more personal note, please please please do not do the typical female thing of denying the reality of the situation (been there, done that). Get the gumption up within yourself and do what you know you have to do. Do not wait until something horrible happens! I’m glad you’re reaching out and asking for some support and advice. God bless & big big hugs!! Keep reaching out - we will be here!
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Psalms23 Apr 6, 2019
Thank you for the response. Very detailed, constructive and compassionate. Very encouraging. Thanks again...
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Did the SW tell you how to make sure he is safe if you leave and that you could be in serious trouble for leaving him alone?

When I read your post, I just got pizzed. Leave, that is such a stupid response to give in these situations. I would request a more mature SW that has the ability to actually help.

You have probably tried this, but when he starts in, agree, get mad at the disease with him. Cuss it, degrade it, and then stop him from attacking you by saying I am angry too, I didn't do this to you and you are not going through this alone, it effects us all that you have this. Be mad DH, but STOP taking it out on me. I often think that men handle things so much differently than women and they don't even realize that they are being raginrhoids until we speak up. They handle fear so much poorer than women and we can't wrap our minds around the reactions.

Is there any place locally that you can get a volunteer sitter? Someone to come talk to him while you go out? You matter and need to be cared for during all of this as well. Please find a way to get out and have time to yourself.

Next time he gets verbally violent, call 911 and tell them you need help he is having some kind of fit and you are scared he will hurt you. I know that will be so difficult to do, but you can't continue to live under his tyrannical behavior. You will feel better knowing he is getting professional help.

Hugs and more hugs.
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Lizhappens Apr 6, 2019
I had the same initial response about the social worker and her suggestion too until I got further into writing my post and I realized, well if he is a serious threat, then yeah the bottom line is she would have to find a new place to live. That is obviously the last choice because that such a financial burden.

And I should’ve added about when you politely confront - sometimes you can’t “politely” confront. you have to be out right in their face back at them. I have to admit I’m very cautious of being that way with a man depending on their size, their temper, their propensity towards violence. Only she knows her man, Yet the sad thing is these diseases change our loved ones & sometimes and they’re not the same anymore. Not a pleasant position to be in
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Regarding his assessment, did you let them know That he’s emotionally unstable and has been threatening?
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BEFORE you contact the VA for any benefits, speak to:
"PATRIOT ANGELS"
844-757-3047 www.patriotangels.com
They will assist you to understand the "increasingly difficult process" of applying for VA benefits from the Dept of Veteran's Affairs. P.Angels can/will refer you to "VA accredited attorneys" that KNOW all the what / why's of VA require-ments... VA has SO many pitfalls built-in! The average person's claim request for assistance will get "rejected" quickly or you'll get buried in "we need more info" forms / delays - many people give up or get "rejected" in those later forms (I believe the VA is hoping people will give up). ONLY with help from Patriot Angels & the referred VA accredited attorney, my 91 yr parents "successfully secured aid & attendance monthly benefits! Patriot Angels answered my "many, many questions", connected me to VA Accred. attorney & submitted our final application claim. & follow up "need more info" forms with documents "direct to VA" for my parents/me. I thank God P.Angels were there for me....I was very
overwhelmed daily just caring for both my parents.
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pronker Apr 6, 2019
Spouse has a basic non-wartime related VA pension; to also have aid and attendance took some months, but it did come in with help from the Veterans Service Office and is helpful. Thanks for suggesting patriotangels.
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he needs a combined anxiety/depression medication Insist on it from your doctor
i think moving out is a good idea. Could you live with your son and visit your husband during the day
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If all other routes have been blocked..
Next time he becomes violent you need to call 911 or whatever the emergency number in your area is.
Tell them you feel threatened and that he may do you harm.
This should get a transport to the hospital. There you will state that you do not feel safe with him at home.
With luck medication can help control the outbursts.
You need to take care of you!
Yes the Social Worker says that you may need to leave your home...did they give you the answer as to who will care for him when you leave? Where you will go when you leave? Not much help if I can put my two cents in.
Is your husband a Veteran? If so the VA may be able to help and depending on where and when he served it is possible that the diagnosis my be service related and that would be a big benefit to you and to how much help you can get.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 3, 2019
Good suggestions. Great questions. No one should live their life in fear. Miserable, dangerous, stressful, not good for overall health, mental and physical.
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My mom has Parkinson’s. I see frustration with her. Not necessarily anger. I think a bit of depression with her too. They become so limited in what they can do.

My mom was diagnosed later in life in life and neurologist said it is much slower progressing then. If diagnosed younger it is much harder. The disease progresses faster and is overall more severe, like Michael J. Fox.

My mom doesn’t have the dementia with it or it hasn’t been detected yet. That has to be so hard for you. I’m sorry. It’s a tough disease. The tremors. The rigid movements. So many things change in them. I hope there is a cure for it one day.
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You must talk to his doctor about this change in his behavior! Meds can help!
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Madtoe Apr 6, 2019
I agree, I think his chemical imbalance is way out of the control.
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Have you considered asking his doctor about a trial of a small dose of a mild antidepressant or tranquilizing medication?

You must take good care of yourself to be able to continue caring for him.

Hoping you find something that helps.........
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