My grandfather (103) has serious nighttime bladder issues and is starting to forget things. His wife is 95 with severe dementia. Any advice?

By now you’re aware you’ve been taken advantage of, and you need to either let your MiL know she must come get her parents, or they will be placed ASAP. You said yes, and had no business doing so. DO NOT feel guilty, one bit. You are raising your family, just like they did, and this is too much.

I don’t know how much just gas alone is where you live, but in Alaska right now, it’s heading to over $6 a gallon in my area, and every damn thing costs more money, so unless you are rich, you do not have the pocketbook for young children, AND old old old elders.

I sincerely hope you take the good advice you have been given, and do not throw away your young children’s childhood, all the time you could have with them, instead going to both work AND elders. Too much, and your family knows it.

I send you respect that you tried. I would have said no, but I learned very early in adulthood, to just say no, to what doesn’t work for me, after getting sober. Survival meant learning, and 38 years later, still holding my ground, even if it makes family mad. Take care.

Ask their primary care doctor for home health care. It is covered by Medicare. They won’t send 24/7 caregivers in to cover hours, but they can hook u up with a bath aid, nurse, and most importantly a social worker to help you figure out the best course of action.

Depending upon where you live, there may be other agencies or services you can access to assist you until you can transition them to a memory care facility. Check the Agency/Institute/Nation Society on Aging or Eldercare resources for your area.

Services can include respite care for the caregiver. So someone can come in to give you a break.

You need some help. I’d get other family members to come in and help watch your grandparents while you and your husband take time away from the house to talk to the social worker, make some calls and form a plan of action.

Is your grandfather a vet? Was he active duty?
The local VA can help you set up membership in the VA.
If he was an active duty vet, the VA AND Medicare will cover everything…including 24/7 caregivers or a memory care facility. Prescriptions. Durable medical goods. Incontinence products. Hearing aids. Not sure about teeth or eyes, but local VA officer can tell you.

If not a vet, Medicare will cover placement in a care home. It just may not be the Cadillac of care homes. Or Medicare can pay a portion of care and the family picks up the difference for a nicer facility.

1. Because Premium Overnight Plus for Men. Holds 6 cups of fluid. Fecal & Urine Brief. Has leg guards. Excellent for nighttime.

2. Tranquility Premium Overnight. Holds 2 cups fluid. Fecal & Urine brief. Has leg guards. Good for daytime.

I’ve been taking care of my parents for eight years. My Mom was a heavy user of incontinence products and had both types of incontinence. I only had access to the Tranquility product when she was alive. I discovered the BECAUSE product while working with my Dad’s needs.

Neither product has ever let me down.
There may be tab style versions of these products. The products noted above are pull up briefs.

You made a mistake by taking Grampa & Wife in . Not a crime to make a mistake. If it were, most of us on this site would be sitting in jail. Now learn from mistake & place them in either memory care or nursing home. If they have no $$, then the Social Worker & Medicaid office will help with application. Do you have power of attorney & health care proxy? BTW, just caring for ONE dementia patient is too much!!! & you took on 2 of them!!! I’m surprised you didn’t have a stroke yet. You should take an aspirin 81mg every night. I do to prevent stroke/heart attack. They both need 24/7 care & it should not be from you. Tour facilities nearby & get the ball rolling. …toddlers that are active, are thankfully healthy…not out of control!
Hugs 🤗

Start by making the house less of a "pee and poop pad." Put down plastic tarps on the floors and cover them with foam squares, The squares can easily be cleaned and waste won't get into the wood flooring or carpets. Next, buy the heaviest duty incontinence undergarments for the seniors. Also get mattress pads that have plastic lining so mattresses don't get soaked. You may need at least 3 sets of linen for the seniors' bed so there is always fresh linen. If you have a garage or storage area, put the dirty linen waiting to be washed in that area. Yes, that place will tend to smell ripe, but the rest of the house will smell nicer. Also invest in large size puppy pads (without the scent) to place under the seniors' wherever they sit down. Since you work nights, gather a group of helpers who will volunteer to babysit everybody while you get your sleep. Commode can help the seniors at night. If they are getting up a lot at night, talk to their doctor(s) they might have uti's, granddad might have prostate problems (medications), and/or they have sleep disturbances (sleep medications can help with this).

Boy oh boy, isn't your MIL going to be surprised if she ever needs help to find out she has used ALL of her credits because she sugarcoated the reality and took total advantage of her son and his family.

It appears ALL of grandma and grandpa's kids are worthless.

As for your house stinking of human waste, there are a couple of things you can do.

1st - saturate every area that you know has been peed on with white vinegar. The vinegar kills the enzymes that cause the odor and the vinegar smell goes away once it is dry.

2nd - ALL diapers get bagged and taken outside as soon as the change is complete.

3rd - cover furniture, after spraying with vinegar, with chuxs, washable or disposable, the VA will provide these.

4th - get an essential oil diffuser and use lemon oil and may chang essential oils. It will make your house smell like fresh squeezed lemons, you can use any citrus or a combination of any to help keep the house fresher.

5th - open windows daily.

My heart goes out to you and your family. These situations are so difficult.

Put them in a care home. That's about the only advice you should take.
The fact that you allowed not one but two incontinent ancients with dementia to move into your home at the ages of 103 and 95 is completely ridiculous. Letting them remain with you is even moreso.
They need to be placed immediately. As for you not being able to afford more than a few hours a day of aide care.
You are not the one who should be worried about affording it. Why are the 103 year-old and the 95-year old not paying for it themselves?
Get them placed. No amount of preserving assets is worth what you're living in right now. No one should have to live in a house that stinks of piss and sh*t. I'm saying this as a person who was an in-home caregiver as employment for almost 25 years. I've quit positions when a client's home was just too disgusting from hoarding, filth, squalor, and incontinence.
Get them placed for everyone's sake including your own. As for your out-of-control toddler. There's no such thing as an out-of-control toddler. You and your husband are adults that's what gives you control over of a toddler.
I too raised a toddler from the age of two (my son) when I married his widowed father I adopted him. He tended to run a bit on the hyper side. He didn't get out-of-control because we were the adults in the home and didn't allow him to. When he was little there was elderly family who really couldn't live alone anymore and needed caregiving. The convenient choice that worked for everyone was for them to move in with us because after all I wasn't working at the time and had experience as an elderly caregiver.
No one moved in with us because we would not allow it. You didn't get duped by your family to take them in. What usually happened in cases like yours, is the family made you an offer than sounded good at the time. You agreed to take the responsibility on for your grandfather and his wife so moved them in. Now you have buyer's remorse because they're more than you can handle. This would be more than most people can handle. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about making the mistake that so many people make when they take on elderly care.
Now it's time for damage control. You tried and they need to be placed. Find a care facility who will accept them. Then take back your home and family.

I know that it is hard to think of sending our loved ones to a nursing home or assisted living. I had to make that decision with my Daddy. I loved him so but I couldn't care for him the way he needed. Once you send them to a board and care or an assisted living the options open up and you are offered help which is what you need. My grandmother lived with my family when I was younger. It was not easy but we lived through it. She did get to the point that her daughter, my mother, had to place her in a home. As she declined she had to be moved from place to place. But it took the strain off the family and she was cared for. Oh when I did move my Daddy, it did cost me a fortune but he was close and I visited everyday or every other day. It was the best thing for the both of us. I did bring him home for his last week of life on this earth because I wanted to be by his side. That was my wish but to each person is their own decision.
hugs and prayers

Jj0327: Your grandparents need to be placed in a managed care facility posthaste. Your own marriage and your children are your priority.

So sorry you were duped by close relatives and dumped on by others. This is grossly unfair and wrong. No matter how much you love them, this is undermining any positivity they may get from being with family. I'm in agreement with everyone else, find a nice AL and move them. If you are not legally POA and can't do this, take them to the home of whoever has POA. Bring them for a nice visit, but don't bring them home to your house afterwards.

why are you pay for someone to come in? If they have Medicaid they are eligible for lots of benefits (including adult day care and night aids).

Please do not misinterpret this message, because it is not meant to be a mean response: you are not a victim, but rather a volunteer. You will get some good advice from experienced caretakers: listen and learn and vow to never volunteer again and remember, "No is a complete sentence." I wish you well.

You said it all right here: "Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have."

Your children should be your primary focus in life, not your grandparents who need to be placed immediately. They need and require more care than you are capable of giving them, as do your children. You are doing neither a service by trying to be Superwoman, but a grave disservice instead.

Please see to it that your grandparents are placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility together and that you take your home back so it can be occupied by your immediate family only. Then you can work on repairing your marriage and giving your toddler the attention s/he needs.

Otherwise, what happens when YOU are hospitalized with a breakdown? Who cares for your husband, grandparents and children then?

Good Lord............... I got tired just reading your post! Follow advice given here. It is definitely time for the Grandparents to be placed in a facility where they can get 24/7 care and you and your family can visit and be loving relatives..... not stressed out care givers. Sounds like funding is an issue so see if either one is a veteran and eligible for more benefits, check with your local Office of Aging to see what services they can provide/recommend. Get every document you can think of that belongs to them (birth certificates, marriage licenses, divorce papers, death certificates, Medicare cards, past rent, mortgage receipts, titles on cars homes, bank statement...... you get the idea). You will need all of this if you need to apply for Medicaid for them. Spend the money to get advice from a good certified elder care attorney who can give you good insights; some on them will do an initial consultation for free I know that sounds like a lot but it the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And there is not guarantee that a facility would necessarily separate them; even if they did they could probably still meet for some meals. Go to the Medicare.gov site and look for nursing homes and find some that are near you (or better yet.... near the witch that left you with all this). Their star rating can be a little tricky to negotiate but find a few that you like and then visit them. I'm saying long term nursing facilities because with all the incontinence issues I don't think they are a candidate for assisted living (many of which don't accept Medicaid) but I could be wrong.

Not sure who is their PoA or Medical proxy. If something happens to either one of them tonight, call 911, have them transported to the ER and tell the social worker that they can not come home with you. Don't listed to the "oh it's just for a day until we find something". Nope, Nope. Make your statement, turn on your heel and walk out of the ER.

I wish you good luck and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us advised as things progress.

This is way too much to take on. They need much more care than you are able to give. Your kids are going to be affected by their actions, and they’re too young to understand why they act the way they do. You can’t care for your Kris like this and be the parent they need.

Hospitalization or a facility are the only options.

Nursing homes may not always split a couple up. And even if the grandparents are separated, it is NOT the end of the world. Good God, what you’re doing is NOT sustainable. Husband needs to get his head out of the sand and make some calls to get them placed.

There is no way in the world you are getting enough sleep. When I worked , it was always third shift in a medical facility. We had in-service monthly and it was stressed that third shift needs at least 9-10 hours unbroken sleep , second shift at least 8-9 hours. Just taking care of kids is enough to undermine your health if you don't have the sleep you need.
What is your husband doing in this scenario? He is the one to make arrangements to get his folks placed in another ennvironment where they can have constant care.
Does he take over the kids, oldies and cleaning, cooking, etc when he gets home so you can go to sleep undisturbed? If not, you seriously need to see a councelor for your own mental and physical health. Also get a checkup from your Doctor to make sure your heart isn't being taxed by all the stress and labor.
You must put yourself first so you can survive this nightmare for you and your kids sake.

Dear Jj0327..Have an ambulance pick them up for the ER..They have a myriad of physical & dementia health issues that need full assessment..Let the hospital social worker know, it is not safe for them to return to your home. They can give you the options for facilities & availability..

It is an unsafe environment for them, you, your spouse & young children..God bless & prayers to you!🙏🏻 From one sandwich generation Mom to another. Hugs

Do you have medical POA. Sounds like it’s time for placement.

Theres lots of paperwork and documentation required. If you can afford see about an Elder Care attorney to help you.

Dont delay. This is an impossible task. I had my mom in my home after she had a massive bed bug infection. I could barely keep up and I didn’t have any babies.

You are running a multi-gen kinder/elder daycare!

Have dinner delivered for 5pm, then a cleaner to mop all the floors, & an aide/nanny to tuck them all in for the night.
Write a book about it.
Sell for movie rights or maybe a series.

I am laughing/crying for you!

What in the world made you think that moving two people who need that much care into your home was a good idea? They both need to be in a nursing home with 24 hr staffing. These aren't just folks who need a ride to an appointment or their meals cooked. They need care. I would contact a social worker and get busy applying for whatever they qualify for and get them placed.

Just reading your post gave me anxiety! LOL You already have a lot going on in your household before you moved the two grandparents in. Where were they living before they moved in? Why wasn't a long term care facility considered? Are there financial roadblocks? Is there any other family that can assist you in getting them placed?

Call your local aging agency and ask them how to arrange placement and what funds are available. I doubt you have legal responsibility for them-do you have? On the computer there will be a medicare site rating the facilities near you called skilled nursing facilities. Go down the list and pick the highest rated. Also, reach out to some veteran's organization i.e. VFW or such. They often have knowledgable people who can help negotiate the VA benefits and such, You will have do a lot of ground work.You will get further by calling various agencies and asking for suggestions nicely. I would even stop by any good nursing home in your area and talk to some one just asking for advice for these folks in person. It will also give you a feeling for the place. There is probably a local senior organization in your state or county. Ask there. It will be a pain and lots of dead ends. But there will be some helpful people along the way, very helpful. Join AARP in their name and call their counselors. Hire sitters to free up time o do this; it is an excellent investment. Good luck; it is a difficult job but can turn out well. You really cannot continue as you are for long, for their sake as well as your family's. If your husband, balks you better do some serious thinking about the future, for both of you. Extended family not helping if the usual case, not the exception. Curse them in your head, and do what you have to do. You have the ball. If for some reason, they are hospitalized refuse to take them home. That will speed up placement. This is not a safe situation for them or your family.

Call your local aging agency and ask them how to arrange placement and what funds are available. I doubt you have legal responsibility for them-do you have? On the computer there will be a medicare site rating the facilities near you called skilled nursing facilities. Go down the list and pick the highest rated. Also, reach out to some veteran's organization i.e. VFW or such. They often have knowledgable people who can help negotiate the VA benefits and such, You will have do a lot of ground work.You will get further by calling various agencies and asking for suggestions nicely. I would even stop by any good nursing home in your area and talk to some one just asking for advice for these folks in person. It will also give you a feeling for the place. There is probably a local senior organization in your state or county. Ask there. It will be a pain and lots of dead ends. But there will be some helpful people along the way, very helpful. Join AARP in their name and call their counselors. Hire sitters to free up time o do this; it is an excellent investment. Good luck; it is a difficult job but can turn out well. You really cannot continue as you are for long, for their sake as well as your family's. If your husband, balks you better do some serious thinking about the furture, for both of you. Extended family not helping if the usual case, not the exception. Curse them in your head, and do what you have to do. You have the ball.

I found out this looking for a place for my BIL if you are a veteran or even a spouse of a veteran some nursing homes or even assisted living places will take us veterans and the VA will pay for it sometimes.

Where is your husband in all of this? It can't lie on just you and your son. Why didn't he look for a place for his grandfather and grandmother didn't he figure it would be a burden on your family which it has become.

Can breathing in urine harm you?
In small doses urine probably does not have much affect on your health, but prolonged breathing or highly concentrated urine could be a problem. Sharp ammonia odor from urine can be irritating to the lungs, throat and eyes. You need to show this to your husband. You all need to do a deep cleaning to get that urine smell out of the house.

I would see if there are any programs in your area that can help. The states have programs that will have a person come in and do what you are paying for. Also if they are on medicare there are programs that will help without paying out for it.

Prayers

Hi SnoopyLove! You wrote down below, it seems to be a situation of “tag — you’re it”.

Perfect way of putting it.
“tag — you’re it”.

I hope you find a solution OP!

Bless you. You cannot continue like this.

Please follow the earlier advice about placement. Get a map, look for nursing homes within a reasonable driving distance from your home, and (assuming you’re in the US) call each one to ask if they have 2 Medicaid or “public aid” beds available. Let them know your GPs would like to share a room if possible. That placement would cost you and your H nothing and Grandpa’s VA benefits would probably help. But whoever has the GP’s medical PoA (H’s mom?) would need to be involved, to approve the placement.

How much is the additional accommodation cost to place them together if split 8 ways? Do they live in a state with helpful filial responsibility laws?

Don't you think of shelling out a cent to house them; and speaking of that, what contribution is being made by whom to your household budget to cover their costs?

I don't envy you, except for the longevity genes that you will inherit from your grandparents. In reality you got 4 toddlers, two little ones growing forward and two big ones growing backwards. The older ones don't fit in you house, period.

I think this is more "What do I do, " than what do "we" do, as it is sounding as though you are working a job with two young children and two elders who are incontinent. You are paying caregivers and undoubtedly also child care? How much does that leave in profit from your job? Or is your job your only way to get away from what sounds like a simply mad situation.
For myself, I could not do this, and it is as simple as that. You are, I can imagine, making your children pay a price for this in attention they need at this time.
I think you have hard decisions ahead and I can't imagine how you will make them. There is no way to do a "fix it" on this that is without grief or tears. But I think only you and your husband, sitting together to discuss options and limitations, can make these decisions.
I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what you have on your plate. I am so sorry and I wish you well.