My grandfather (103) has serious nighttime bladder issues and is starting to forget things. His wife is 95 with severe dementia. Any advice?

How did it happen that you ended up with the grandparents? Where are their children? Where were the grandparents living before? And not to sound snarky but just genuinely wondering, what was the thought process about how this situation would work?

Man alive! That's a lot to cope with.

How recently is recently? Where were they living before, and what was the main reason for moving them in with you?

Two options to consider for today:
1. Make sure the bathroom light is left on at night, and the door open. If grandpa is getting disoriented this might guide him to the correct place. [If it were grandma going a-wandering, would grandpa wake up?]
2. A bedside commode that the elders could use at night.

One priority: talk seriously to your husband. If he feels that this is the only option for his grandparents, why does he think that? Be gentle with him (I'm sure you will be, because you generously attribute your relationship difficulties to lack of time rather than a startlingly rash decision on his part) because no doubt he's at least as stressed as you are by the whole thing and you don't want him lashing out; but this situation is bonkers and needs an urgent rethink. Too much work for two lone mortals.

Sounds like you are living a real life verson of the movie The Visit with a few differences of course.

This is nuts both grandma and grandpa need placement ASAP.

103 years old and still going strong. 95 and no end in sight.

They sure don't mention any of what you describe when they do those news reports on a person living past 100 years old.

You DON’T SOUND LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON.

Start the RESEARCH for a SAFE, CLEAN residential placement TODAY.

You have absolutely NO MORAL or ETHICAL REASON not to do so.

If it is important to you make a circle on a map of your area, and research nearby places first. Then you will be able to bring one or both of the babies for short visits, and visit as often as you wish.

PLEASE release your high school grad from responsibility. I had one who graduated from HS when his grandma, my mom, living with me. It was NOT in his best interests, and he deserved better, but I never realized how tough it was on him until after my mom was placed in a beautiful setting near me.

I was only taking care of one LO at a time. Unless you and your husband are stuffing Angel’s wings into your sweatshirts, you are ONLY HUMAN. Humans CANNOT sustain a life style like yours.

Please consider ALL of you, STARTING TODAY. Do the research, learn all you need, and move forward with placement.

It is time for your grandparents to be placed in memory care, they will not get better, they will continue to get worse.

I would turn this over to their children to figure out.

Most important don't subject your 18yo to this, it is not theirs to be involved in.

Sounds like a fun home environment Lol

WHY are your H's grandparents living with you? I hope THEY are paying for the caretaker! How long have they been living with you?

Does your H help with the caregiving? When you work the graveyard shift, when do you sleep?

Why wasn't facility placement considered?

You need to find somewhere else for the grandparents now. Your kids deserve your attention and support and you cannot give it to them if you are looking after the grandparents.

It is an unfair situation to you and your kids and is clearly effecting your mental and physical health. Also, at their age they need more care than you can provide and moving them would be the best option for everyone.

Why didn't they go back to your mom's??

Tell mom either she takes them back or they are going into a facility ASAP. The stress level that you must have is way too high to be continued. My mom has an occasional pee issue (been twice a week for the past 2 weeks) and it's making me nuts and thinking of how much longer I can withstand that in my home. Not long. There are 2 more things that we are trying for her incontinence and if they don't work, well, I know just the nice facility for her. With dementia, I am not having high hopes for success but I am somewhat hopeful.

I don't see there being any hope in your situation. They are quite old and have serious issues that need full time help to deal with.

Good luck.

"Long story short they lived with my husband mother and she was their primary caregiver. She had to move out of state to help her brother due to his illness. She asked us if we would take them for a bit, and when we would go to visit and talk about all the ins and outs she never told us the fine details. As for the rest of grandma and grandpas kids they are all worthless, we have had them for a year now and not a single one of the 8 of the kids they have has even called my husband to check on them or ask if they could help there are some that live out of state and some live in state. I have never met any of them. My husband also has 3 sibling and not a single one of them help us either. As far as our thought process…we were very under informed about how far gone they were."

So the rest of your mil's siblings are off the hook, as are your H's 3 siblings.

So if your mil asked if you and H would take Granny for "a bit," was that timeframe never clarified?

Now what? Are you and your H going to let your marriage crumble further because of this?

I think this is more "What do I do, " than what do "we" do, as it is sounding as though you are working a job with two young children and two elders who are incontinent. You are paying caregivers and undoubtedly also child care? How much does that leave in profit from your job? Or is your job your only way to get away from what sounds like a simply mad situation.
For myself, I could not do this, and it is as simple as that. You are, I can imagine, making your children pay a price for this in attention they need at this time.
I think you have hard decisions ahead and I can't imagine how you will make them. There is no way to do a "fix it" on this that is without grief or tears. But I think only you and your husband, sitting together to discuss options and limitations, can make these decisions.
I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what you have on your plate. I am so sorry and I wish you well.

I don't envy you, except for the longevity genes that you will inherit from your grandparents. In reality you got 4 toddlers, two little ones growing forward and two big ones growing backwards. The older ones don't fit in you house, period.

How much is the additional accommodation cost to place them together if split 8 ways? Do they live in a state with helpful filial responsibility laws?

Don't you think of shelling out a cent to house them; and speaking of that, what contribution is being made by whom to your household budget to cover their costs?

Bless you. You cannot continue like this.

Please follow the earlier advice about placement. Get a map, look for nursing homes within a reasonable driving distance from your home, and (assuming you’re in the US) call each one to ask if they have 2 Medicaid or “public aid” beds available. Let them know your GPs would like to share a room if possible. That placement would cost you and your H nothing and Grandpa’s VA benefits would probably help. But whoever has the GP’s medical PoA (H’s mom?) would need to be involved, to approve the placement.

Hi SnoopyLove! You wrote down below, it seems to be a situation of “tag — you’re it”.

Perfect way of putting it.
“tag — you’re it”.

I hope you find a solution OP!

I found out this looking for a place for my BIL if you are a veteran or even a spouse of a veteran some nursing homes or even assisted living places will take us veterans and the VA will pay for it sometimes.

Where is your husband in all of this? It can't lie on just you and your son. Why didn't he look for a place for his grandfather and grandmother didn't he figure it would be a burden on your family which it has become.

Can breathing in urine harm you?
In small doses urine probably does not have much affect on your health, but prolonged breathing or highly concentrated urine could be a problem. Sharp ammonia odor from urine can be irritating to the lungs, throat and eyes. You need to show this to your husband. You all need to do a deep cleaning to get that urine smell out of the house.

I would see if there are any programs in your area that can help. The states have programs that will have a person come in and do what you are paying for. Also if they are on medicare there are programs that will help without paying out for it.

Prayers

Call your local aging agency and ask them how to arrange placement and what funds are available. I doubt you have legal responsibility for them-do you have? On the computer there will be a medicare site rating the facilities near you called skilled nursing facilities. Go down the list and pick the highest rated. Also, reach out to some veteran's organization i.e. VFW or such. They often have knowledgable people who can help negotiate the VA benefits and such, You will have do a lot of ground work.You will get further by calling various agencies and asking for suggestions nicely. I would even stop by any good nursing home in your area and talk to some one just asking for advice for these folks in person. It will also give you a feeling for the place. There is probably a local senior organization in your state or county. Ask there. It will be a pain and lots of dead ends. But there will be some helpful people along the way, very helpful. Join AARP in their name and call their counselors. Hire sitters to free up time o do this; it is an excellent investment. Good luck; it is a difficult job but can turn out well. You really cannot continue as you are for long, for their sake as well as your family's. If your husband, balks you better do some serious thinking about the furture, for both of you. Extended family not helping if the usual case, not the exception. Curse them in your head, and do what you have to do. You have the ball.

Call your local aging agency and ask them how to arrange placement and what funds are available. I doubt you have legal responsibility for them-do you have? On the computer there will be a medicare site rating the facilities near you called skilled nursing facilities. Go down the list and pick the highest rated. Also, reach out to some veteran's organization i.e. VFW or such. They often have knowledgable people who can help negotiate the VA benefits and such, You will have do a lot of ground work.You will get further by calling various agencies and asking for suggestions nicely. I would even stop by any good nursing home in your area and talk to some one just asking for advice for these folks in person. It will also give you a feeling for the place. There is probably a local senior organization in your state or county. Ask there. It will be a pain and lots of dead ends. But there will be some helpful people along the way, very helpful. Join AARP in their name and call their counselors. Hire sitters to free up time o do this; it is an excellent investment. Good luck; it is a difficult job but can turn out well. You really cannot continue as you are for long, for their sake as well as your family's. If your husband, balks you better do some serious thinking about the future, for both of you. Extended family not helping if the usual case, not the exception. Curse them in your head, and do what you have to do. You have the ball. If for some reason, they are hospitalized refuse to take them home. That will speed up placement. This is not a safe situation for them or your family.

What in the world made you think that moving two people who need that much care into your home was a good idea? They both need to be in a nursing home with 24 hr staffing. These aren't just folks who need a ride to an appointment or their meals cooked. They need care. I would contact a social worker and get busy applying for whatever they qualify for and get them placed.

Just reading your post gave me anxiety! LOL You already have a lot going on in your household before you moved the two grandparents in. Where were they living before they moved in? Why wasn't a long term care facility considered? Are there financial roadblocks? Is there any other family that can assist you in getting them placed?

You are running a multi-gen kinder/elder daycare!

Have dinner delivered for 5pm, then a cleaner to mop all the floors, & an aide/nanny to tuck them all in for the night.
Write a book about it.
Sell for movie rights or maybe a series.

I am laughing/crying for you!

Do you have medical POA. Sounds like it’s time for placement.

Theres lots of paperwork and documentation required. If you can afford see about an Elder Care attorney to help you.

Dont delay. This is an impossible task. I had my mom in my home after she had a massive bed bug infection. I could barely keep up and I didn’t have any babies.

Dear Jj0327..Have an ambulance pick them up for the ER..They have a myriad of physical & dementia health issues that need full assessment..Let the hospital social worker know, it is not safe for them to return to your home. They can give you the options for facilities & availability..

It is an unsafe environment for them, you, your spouse & young children..God bless & prayers to you!🙏🏻 From one sandwich generation Mom to another. Hugs

There is no way in the world you are getting enough sleep. When I worked , it was always third shift in a medical facility. We had in-service monthly and it was stressed that third shift needs at least 9-10 hours unbroken sleep , second shift at least 8-9 hours. Just taking care of kids is enough to undermine your health if you don't have the sleep you need.
What is your husband doing in this scenario? He is the one to make arrangements to get his folks placed in another ennvironment where they can have constant care.
Does he take over the kids, oldies and cleaning, cooking, etc when he gets home so you can go to sleep undisturbed? If not, you seriously need to see a councelor for your own mental and physical health. Also get a checkup from your Doctor to make sure your heart isn't being taxed by all the stress and labor.
You must put yourself first so you can survive this nightmare for you and your kids sake.

Nursing homes may not always split a couple up. And even if the grandparents are separated, it is NOT the end of the world. Good God, what you’re doing is NOT sustainable. Husband needs to get his head out of the sand and make some calls to get them placed.

This is way too much to take on. They need much more care than you are able to give. Your kids are going to be affected by their actions, and they’re too young to understand why they act the way they do. You can’t care for your Kris like this and be the parent they need.

Hospitalization or a facility are the only options.

Good Lord............... I got tired just reading your post! Follow advice given here. It is definitely time for the Grandparents to be placed in a facility where they can get 24/7 care and you and your family can visit and be loving relatives..... not stressed out care givers. Sounds like funding is an issue so see if either one is a veteran and eligible for more benefits, check with your local Office of Aging to see what services they can provide/recommend. Get every document you can think of that belongs to them (birth certificates, marriage licenses, divorce papers, death certificates, Medicare cards, past rent, mortgage receipts, titles on cars homes, bank statement...... you get the idea). You will need all of this if you need to apply for Medicaid for them. Spend the money to get advice from a good certified elder care attorney who can give you good insights; some on them will do an initial consultation for free I know that sounds like a lot but it the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And there is not guarantee that a facility would necessarily separate them; even if they did they could probably still meet for some meals. Go to the Medicare.gov site and look for nursing homes and find some that are near you (or better yet.... near the witch that left you with all this). Their star rating can be a little tricky to negotiate but find a few that you like and then visit them. I'm saying long term nursing facilities because with all the incontinence issues I don't think they are a candidate for assisted living (many of which don't accept Medicaid) but I could be wrong.

Not sure who is their PoA or Medical proxy. If something happens to either one of them tonight, call 911, have them transported to the ER and tell the social worker that they can not come home with you. Don't listed to the "oh it's just for a day until we find something". Nope, Nope. Make your statement, turn on your heel and walk out of the ER.

I wish you good luck and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us advised as things progress.

You said it all right here: "Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have."

Your children should be your primary focus in life, not your grandparents who need to be placed immediately. They need and require more care than you are capable of giving them, as do your children. You are doing neither a service by trying to be Superwoman, but a grave disservice instead.

Please see to it that your grandparents are placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility together and that you take your home back so it can be occupied by your immediate family only. Then you can work on repairing your marriage and giving your toddler the attention s/he needs.

Otherwise, what happens when YOU are hospitalized with a breakdown? Who cares for your husband, grandparents and children then?

Please do not misinterpret this message, because it is not meant to be a mean response: you are not a victim, but rather a volunteer. You will get some good advice from experienced caretakers: listen and learn and vow to never volunteer again and remember, "No is a complete sentence." I wish you well.

why are you pay for someone to come in? If they have Medicaid they are eligible for lots of benefits (including adult day care and night aids).

So sorry you were duped by close relatives and dumped on by others. This is grossly unfair and wrong. No matter how much you love them, this is undermining any positivity they may get from being with family. I'm in agreement with everyone else, find a nice AL and move them. If you are not legally POA and can't do this, take them to the home of whoever has POA. Bring them for a nice visit, but don't bring them home to your house afterwards.