My grandfather (103) has serious nighttime bladder issues and is starting to forget things. His wife is 95 with severe dementia. Any advice?

Jj0327: Your grandparents need to be placed in a managed care facility posthaste. Your own marriage and your children are your priority.

I know that it is hard to think of sending our loved ones to a nursing home or assisted living. I had to make that decision with my Daddy. I loved him so but I couldn't care for him the way he needed. Once you send them to a board and care or an assisted living the options open up and you are offered help which is what you need. My grandmother lived with my family when I was younger. It was not easy but we lived through it. She did get to the point that her daughter, my mother, had to place her in a home. As she declined she had to be moved from place to place. But it took the strain off the family and she was cared for. Oh when I did move my Daddy, it did cost me a fortune but he was close and I visited everyday or every other day. It was the best thing for the both of us. I did bring him home for his last week of life on this earth because I wanted to be by his side. That was my wish but to each person is their own decision.
hugs and prayers

Put them in a care home. That's about the only advice you should take.
The fact that you allowed not one but two incontinent ancients with dementia to move into your home at the ages of 103 and 95 is completely ridiculous. Letting them remain with you is even moreso.
They need to be placed immediately. As for you not being able to afford more than a few hours a day of aide care.
You are not the one who should be worried about affording it. Why are the 103 year-old and the 95-year old not paying for it themselves?
Get them placed. No amount of preserving assets is worth what you're living in right now. No one should have to live in a house that stinks of piss and sh*t. I'm saying this as a person who was an in-home caregiver as employment for almost 25 years. I've quit positions when a client's home was just too disgusting from hoarding, filth, squalor, and incontinence.
Get them placed for everyone's sake including your own. As for your out-of-control toddler. There's no such thing as an out-of-control toddler. You and your husband are adults that's what gives you control over of a toddler.
I too raised a toddler from the age of two (my son) when I married his widowed father I adopted him. He tended to run a bit on the hyper side. He didn't get out-of-control because we were the adults in the home and didn't allow him to. When he was little there was elderly family who really couldn't live alone anymore and needed caregiving. The convenient choice that worked for everyone was for them to move in with us because after all I wasn't working at the time and had experience as an elderly caregiver.
No one moved in with us because we would not allow it. You didn't get duped by your family to take them in. What usually happened in cases like yours, is the family made you an offer than sounded good at the time. You agreed to take the responsibility on for your grandfather and his wife so moved them in. Now you have buyer's remorse because they're more than you can handle. This would be more than most people can handle. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about making the mistake that so many people make when they take on elderly care.
Now it's time for damage control. You tried and they need to be placed. Find a care facility who will accept them. Then take back your home and family.

Boy oh boy, isn't your MIL going to be surprised if she ever needs help to find out she has used ALL of her credits because she sugarcoated the reality and took total advantage of her son and his family.

It appears ALL of grandma and grandpa's kids are worthless.

As for your house stinking of human waste, there are a couple of things you can do.

1st - saturate every area that you know has been peed on with white vinegar. The vinegar kills the enzymes that cause the odor and the vinegar smell goes away once it is dry.

2nd - ALL diapers get bagged and taken outside as soon as the change is complete.

3rd - cover furniture, after spraying with vinegar, with chuxs, washable or disposable, the VA will provide these.

4th - get an essential oil diffuser and use lemon oil and may chang essential oils. It will make your house smell like fresh squeezed lemons, you can use any citrus or a combination of any to help keep the house fresher.

5th - open windows daily.

My heart goes out to you and your family. These situations are so difficult.

Start by making the house less of a "pee and poop pad." Put down plastic tarps on the floors and cover them with foam squares, The squares can easily be cleaned and waste won't get into the wood flooring or carpets. Next, buy the heaviest duty incontinence undergarments for the seniors. Also get mattress pads that have plastic lining so mattresses don't get soaked. You may need at least 3 sets of linen for the seniors' bed so there is always fresh linen. If you have a garage or storage area, put the dirty linen waiting to be washed in that area. Yes, that place will tend to smell ripe, but the rest of the house will smell nicer. Also invest in large size puppy pads (without the scent) to place under the seniors' wherever they sit down. Since you work nights, gather a group of helpers who will volunteer to babysit everybody while you get your sleep. Commode can help the seniors at night. If they are getting up a lot at night, talk to their doctor(s) they might have uti's, granddad might have prostate problems (medications), and/or they have sleep disturbances (sleep medications can help with this).

You made a mistake by taking Grampa & Wife in . Not a crime to make a mistake. If it were, most of us on this site would be sitting in jail. Now learn from mistake & place them in either memory care or nursing home. If they have no $$, then the Social Worker & Medicaid office will help with application. Do you have power of attorney & health care proxy? BTW, just caring for ONE dementia patient is too much!!! & you took on 2 of them!!! I’m surprised you didn’t have a stroke yet. You should take an aspirin 81mg every night. I do to prevent stroke/heart attack. They both need 24/7 care & it should not be from you. Tour facilities nearby & get the ball rolling. …toddlers that are active, are thankfully healthy…not out of control!
Hugs 🤗

1. Because Premium Overnight Plus for Men. Holds 6 cups of fluid. Fecal & Urine Brief. Has leg guards. Excellent for nighttime.

2. Tranquility Premium Overnight. Holds 2 cups fluid. Fecal & Urine brief. Has leg guards. Good for daytime.

I’ve been taking care of my parents for eight years. My Mom was a heavy user of incontinence products and had both types of incontinence. I only had access to the Tranquility product when she was alive. I discovered the BECAUSE product while working with my Dad’s needs.

Neither product has ever let me down.
There may be tab style versions of these products. The products noted above are pull up briefs.

Is your grandfather a vet? Was he active duty?
The local VA can help you set up membership in the VA.
If he was an active duty vet, the VA AND Medicare will cover everything…including 24/7 caregivers or a memory care facility. Prescriptions. Durable medical goods. Incontinence products. Hearing aids. Not sure about teeth or eyes, but local VA officer can tell you.

If not a vet, Medicare will cover placement in a care home. It just may not be the Cadillac of care homes. Or Medicare can pay a portion of care and the family picks up the difference for a nicer facility.

Ask their primary care doctor for home health care. It is covered by Medicare. They won’t send 24/7 caregivers in to cover hours, but they can hook u up with a bath aid, nurse, and most importantly a social worker to help you figure out the best course of action.

Depending upon where you live, there may be other agencies or services you can access to assist you until you can transition them to a memory care facility. Check the Agency/Institute/Nation Society on Aging or Eldercare resources for your area.

Services can include respite care for the caregiver. So someone can come in to give you a break.

You need some help. I’d get other family members to come in and help watch your grandparents while you and your husband take time away from the house to talk to the social worker, make some calls and form a plan of action.

By now you’re aware you’ve been taken advantage of, and you need to either let your MiL know she must come get her parents, or they will be placed ASAP. You said yes, and had no business doing so. DO NOT feel guilty, one bit. You are raising your family, just like they did, and this is too much.

I don’t know how much just gas alone is where you live, but in Alaska right now, it’s heading to over $6 a gallon in my area, and every damn thing costs more money, so unless you are rich, you do not have the pocketbook for young children, AND old old old elders.

I sincerely hope you take the good advice you have been given, and do not throw away your young children’s childhood, all the time you could have with them, instead going to both work AND elders. Too much, and your family knows it.

I send you respect that you tried. I would have said no, but I learned very early in adulthood, to just say no, to what doesn’t work for me, after getting sober. Survival meant learning, and 38 years later, still holding my ground, even if it makes family mad. Take care.