My father blames me for causing his Parkinson’s. How do I stop believing his accusations?

Blamed, I know you say dad doesn’t have dementia--I'm curious what sorts of tests they are doing.

Check out YouTube videos by Teepa Snow. She is an OT who has some pretty brilliant techniques for managing difficult situations like ones you present.

Hi PeggySue! You asked:

"Blamed, are you here basically to vent or do you want advice?"

Answer: Advice.

Let's summarize all the great advice I got, and all the strategies I will try:

1. Try to be teflon, let the abuse roll off you.
2. Techniques against abuse: (1) Don't internalize. (2) Put it in the invisible trash can. (3) Hear someone's cheerful voice as inspiration. (4) Visualization: example: you're in a sauna, the abuse is coming out of your pores, getting externalized. (5) Allow yourself to be happy, enjoy life, even though your LO is unhappy. (6) Pretend you have a loving LO. (7) The abuser is holding you back to childhood. Every time you get abused, do something positive for you.
3. Reduce contact to emergencies only.
4. Even during emergencies, be careful of being abused.
5. It's a control tactic, projection, manipulation.
6. Use a mantra. For example, someone here uses this: "SHE has issues, not me, that SHE never grew up, that SHE feels empty inside and projected that upon me, that SHE does not value me because I in fact HAVE VALUE ... I'm not the problem".

"I'll continue to try to do the right thing, towards him, towards myself."

A very wise man once said "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if not now, when?"

Your father is not incompetent. He does not have dementia. He holds a delusion that you are causing his illness, and exacerbating it.

The kindest thing would be to resign your POA in an orderly fashion, calling his lawyer and telling her/him that you are stepping away in order to lessen the stress on your ill dad.

If there is an emergency, the caregivers will call 911 and get him urgent aid. The doctors will treat him as they would any of the thousands of other elders who show up alone in emergency rooms.

It sounds like your very presence annoys and agitated your father. Stepping away will be a kindness to you both.

Dear Blamed,
Sometimes the scapegoat has to stand up, just once to a bully.
Bullies often mistake kindness for weakness.

Blamed's dad sounds competent.

In his shoes, I would resign my POA and let him fend for himself.

He thinks so little of his son, clearly he can do better himself. Or hire better help than his devoted child.

dear blamed,

i hope you, everyone, who's abused finds a way out.

maybe these techniques help:

aim of the abuse:
(1) to make you feel bad
(2) lower your self-esteem
(3) depressed. victim feels bad, eats badly, feels worthless.

counter-techniques:
(1) don't INTERNALIZE it; physically/visually push away the garbage abuse with your hands. tell yourself "this is trash". "this is a lie".
(2) put it in the invisible trash can, otherwise abuse accumulates. take out the trash every day.
(3) hear someone's cheerful voice as inspiration. it's hard to be cheerful when you're abused.
(4) visualization: examples: you're a tree, with roots, strong, reaching your potential...or you're a horse, galloping free, the garbage abuse can't reach you...or you're in a sauna, the abuse is coming out of your pores, getting externalized.
(5) allow yourself to be happy, enjoy life, even though your LO is unhappy.
(6) pretend you have a loving LO. compare it to normalcy. what would you do if your LO were loving, kind? how would your life look like?
(7) the abuser is holding you back to childhood. every time you get abused, do something different. do something positive for you. don't reach for bad food, for instance. next time, go for a nice walk in the sun.

bundle of joy :)

Sorry you're going through this. Next time he says that, I would throw it back on him and say why the f*** did you have kids then if you couldn't handle it???

Oh for heavens sake! You believe him? Talk to your Dr. He'll tell you it isn't true. Dad has to blame someone because he can't face the facts that is no one's fault. Especially not yours. Ignore his rants.

Blamed, therapy is not about "analyzing".

It's about changing your thought patterns.

I know you don't want to see yourself as a "savior". But you asked for acknowledgement from your dad that you "saved" him (which I believe you did).

Instead, you were blamed for causing the problem in the first place.

(That's the behavior of a mentally ill person. Any who has a parent with long standing mental illness is in need of therapy to repair the damage that's been done to one's thinking processes.)

Maybe dad doesn't want to be saved. Maybe he'd rather be on hospice.

Blamed, if dad is having constant medical emergencies that require your attendance, then he needs a higher level of care, either AL or skilled nursing.

Sad to say, your seeking validation from your father as his "savior" plays right into his playbook of abuse. And now he's got what we call "a flying monkey" backing up his abuse and dismissal of your worth.

Remind me why you think therapy wouldn't be a good thing?

Blamed,
Dad is dead set on blaming you for a social call. Why not just cut those calls back?

Blamed, you can tell your dad to hire a Geriatric Care Manager to manage his everyday life. You get called only during medical emergencies.

If he needs day to day help AND he blames you for causing and worsening his disease, then doesn't it make sense for him to hire someone else to manage those tasks so that he doesn't need to be exposed to your oh-so-toxic presence?

Blamed, it's tough having an aging a$$hole for a father.

I appreciate (even if your dad doesn't) your sense of responsibility.

Here's the thing. In a situation in which dad is behaving badly, it sometimes helps to pretend you're made of Teflon. The crud that's being thrown at you rolls right off. This may be necessary in a medical emergency.

BUT everyday stuff? Leave it be.

Blamed, I'm sorry that you had a bad day with your dad today, and that he became abusive when you were trying to help, both with "regular" stuff and a health issue.

Did you try walking away when he became abusive?

Did you go quiet when he interrupted you?

When someone abuses us, we need to withdraw from the situation in someway, either physically or verbally.

Let him do it on his own. Or get someone else to help. Continuing to help fuels the rage.

Dear Blamed,
Soooo much I want to share with you about healing from this because man-o-man, I GET IT!! My 81 year old mom, who was rarely nice to me, has vascular dementia (now mid stage) and she blames me for her forgetfulness and all the changes going on in her mind and body. I can write a book about the twisted mind games and horrible verbal, phycological, emotional, and physical abuse I endured to still end up as her sole caregiver at 46 and still struggling to not feel guilty and less than because of HER OWN thoughts. So, I'm so sorry you also grew up with that similar mess as well. What I can share, from my experience is, before her dementia diagnose, I always new something was off with my mom. I learned after 6+ years of searching for ways to cope and self heal that I was dealing with a legit malignant narcissist. Once I realized that is in fact what she was all my life, everything else made sense. She projected upon me, she gaslighted me, she bullied me, and yet, fully depended on me to help her especially in her older age. I learned what roll I played throughout my life as her scapegoat and I had to go through a series of mix emotions to get to the next phase of healing. Once I created boundaries and realized she will NEVER change and that dementia will just make it all worst, I HAD to say a daily mantra to myself and accept that SHE has issues, not me, that SHE never grew up, that SHE feels empty inside and projected that upon me, that SHE does not value me because I in fact HAVE VALUE ... I'm not the problem and her disease is not my fault. With all that said... i see you have created your own mantra by logically thinking through the end game knowing that your are not the problem, and you seem to have learned to disconnect yourself from your dads projections which is awesome! Those are bigger steps than most have taken in their healing journey. Its's difficult to unlearn a lifetime of behaviors that were forced on you. But you seem to be on your way to shine brighter than ever. I'm sorry your dad is struggling with life and trying to drag you down with him, but that is HIS life ... not yours, no matter how much you love him. There NEEDS to be room and energy in your heart to love yourself just as much and to be able filter out the negativity that had nothing to do with you. Keep your convos with your dad short and sweet, make your visits short if he's not with you, surround yourself with loving people who see you for YOU, and know in your heart that you are a good son and a good human and no one can take that away from you. Be well.

My mother was terribly abusive also, my heart does to you.
I found that people who "take" just keep taking from you , as you give out of love, they just see it as entitled to it. They can not understand other's feelings or put themselves in your shoes. You will never be able to do enough to be loved back.
It is their deficit, NOTHING you did.
A medical issue, whether increased by stress or not, is never caused by another person. People handle stress differently. If he never knew how to manage his stress, then that is his reason. If he is critical to you then it seems he has an agitated personality which again is his issue that caused his own stress.
Try to set boundaries, I had to with my mother. Was not there at her every call, because she wasn't really always in need. She wanted someone to cater to her, then not be thankful.
Love yourself and the giving person you are, you give to someone who is thankless, that is a rare person.

Update: JUST to say THANK YOU to everyone. You have no idea how much your replies helped me.

A part of me just kept believing (1% ?) what my father says, and I've been believing for years. (Specifically, the topic, his illness).

It affected my sleep also. It's hard to be relaxed and happy, when you're blamed.

Since a few days, I finally sleep better.

Dear Taarna,

Thanks for your message!

"Parkinson's disease is not your fault."

Thanks! I fully understand that now.

Unfortunately, my father (this is an example) can intentionally suddenly tremble more, and then he says it's my fault.

I now understand fully, thanks to many replies here, what's going on:
--control tactic
--projection
--manipulation
--venting
--jealous
--blaming me for his illness is actually just part of the same blaming package for anything else he blames me for (abuse) (untrue) (false accusations)
--he tries to strike a nerve intentionally against me, with various statements he knows will hurt me

"Your father's genetic vulnerability, life choices, and unknown factors contribute to his state of health."
-------------THIS IS THE PROBLEM, RIGHT HERE:
I quote you again:
"unknown factors contribute to his state of health."

That's what they say about Parkinson's:
It's caused by maybe chemicals, toxins, etc.....and UNKNOWN factors.

My father therefore said:
ME.

The reality, is that I've never done anything against him.
On the contrary, I help him (he asks for my help).

As I see from many other people on the forum:
their elderly LOs (often it's the mother against daughter), also blame their adult children sometimes, for their decline.

Totally misplaced and unjust accusation.
Wrong.

But when someone keeps repeating it...
(Brain-washing the adult child...)

Thanks to many replies here, I see things much more clearly.

I used to put the blaming into 2 categories:
1. The emotional/verbal abuse, blaming
2. Specific blaming of causing his Parkinson's + making it worse

Now I see it's all part of the same abuse against me.

I realize I'm not the cause of his illness.
Nor am I the cause of his trembling (he intentionally trembles more, when he wants to).

As I said, it's like he uses his Parkinson's against me. I see now it's a control tactic, and I shouldn't buy it anymore.

I wish us all a very good day!
I'm improving.
Seeing things much more clearly.

And finally, lifting off of my shoulders all this wrongful, mean, horrible blame.

Parkinson's disease is not your fault. Your father's genetic vulnerability, life choices, and unknown factors contribute to his state of health. Those will advanced Parkinson's can have hallucinations and odd thoughts - which can make them very mean. Please consider his expressions part of his disease process... and not a reflection of your character.

Please find a support group - near you or online for caregivers of those with Parkinson's disease. If you have no success finding a group, please gather a group of loving friends and family to interact with most days of the week. You might consider a short stint of counselling to deal with this emotional issue that is causing you a lot of distress.

Ask his doctor what caused the disease. Get it straight from a medical person. Then set your mind to ease. Next time dad says it, just say I asked your doctor and he said it wasn't my fault.

Walk away the minute he starts blaming you. You did not cause his Parkinson’s. It could have been generic or environmental but another person can’t cause it. That is abuse.

Say I gotta go. I’ll be back when you change your tune. Good luck and all the best. Come back when it is convenient.

My DH put up with so much abuse from his mother that he will have no contact with her. She can’t have a phone for all the havoc she would cause. She would send letters from the ALF begging to be removed from prison, accusing him of stealing her money, and then cursing him. He started throwing the letters in the recycling bin.

I finally sent her a note that her notes were falling on deaf ears. Until she could send a civil note that didn’t beg to come to live with us because it wasn’t going to happen, stop cursing her son, and start saying something kind and loving, she would not receive the kind of attention she wanted. She can’t learn new tricks except to stop sending those nasty notes.

your father needs to learn that you won’t take the abuse and the consequence is the loss of your presence in his life.

blamed: Refuse to be blamed as your father has apparently latched onto a faux confabulation and he's not able to reason otherwise. You are a wonderful son. It certainly has to difficult to listen to the constant accusations, but you must not engage in these for your own well being.

He has latched on to that confabulation because it strikes a nerve in you. Pretend that it roles off of you and change the subject and/or leave his presence. Do not tolerate the conversation. Consider: the saying “what you allow will continue”. (And consider changing your user ID to something that does not include the word “blame”.)

My mother had a large tumor (Stage 3) removed from her colon in January. It was the first time she'd ever been hospitalized for a (non-cosmetic) surgery she didn't initiate to feed her vanity. She doesn't believe in doctors or medicine unless they make wrinkles and fat disappear.

Leading to this, she'd stopped eating food but drank more until she finally was bedridden, dehydrated, almost delirious, and having abdominal pain. My sister and I took her to the hospital under protest.

For 6 weeks post-op, she refused to even try to recover and starved herself down to 88 lbs.

She now says, "I'd be fine if I'd never gone to the hospital. They did this to me." (She's also got advancing dementia.)

By "they," she means me and my sister. We know she'd be dead now if we hadn't stepped in.

We've had a lifetime of similar verbal abuse. We're in our 60s now and limit visits. We walk away if she starts replaying old tapes. At some point you have to say, "Enough's enough. I don't deserve this BS."

Dear blamed,

Your father has been abusive and toxic all your life, you gave him your power as a young child. You need to take it back, as a previous person said. Your mentality of feeling you are to blame is how a victim of abuse thinks. This is your challenge, that he offers you. The challenge of connecting with your inner self and an opportunity to heal from the abuse.

He is responsible for his own psychological issues. Until you accept this fact on a spiritual level, you will never be free of blame and guilt. It's time to do what is right for you and not feel guilty about it. Put you first. Learn about boundaries, do your own inner healing work and get support to do that, it sounds like you can afford it.

My intuition tells me your father is jealous of your success.

I don't know what he did for work before his Parkinson's set in but just like dementia, it is years in the making. I know you said you researched it, but what is not widely known is that it is caused by toxic heavy metals like mercury and aluminium oxidising in the brain and damaging neurons. He may have a sharp mind now, but he is definitely on his way to dementia because brain damage, whether it's from Parkinsons, MS, ALS or brain disease labelled as dementia, it will eventually lead to cognitive decline.

He sounds like a miserable bastard. Decide that you deserve better and distance yourself as needed. YOU must come first. Until you believe that you are enough and deserve to be treated better, this pattern will continue. This is one of the big lessons you came to learn in this life.

God bless and take care.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the accusations. You need to take care of YOU!

Is your Dad living independently or in Assisted Living? If he is living independently, do the research now, to start getting your Dad into Assisted Living/Memory Care. Also, if he doesn't have caregivers, start the process of finding an agency. Also, give up thinking that you will inherit anything from him other than a potential bad attitude. Also give up thinking about any relatives "helping" you.

In my case, I tend to only remember the good in people and downplay the bad (that is a side effect of the abuse that my mother inflicted upon me). Therefore, to make sure that I made the right decisions, I journaled what my Mom said and how I felt. Also in that journal, I documented what ideas I had for an action plan on how to get out of the abusive situation that didn't involve relatives. I went to Senior fairs to see what options were available and to generate new ideas. Yes, it was a lot of work, however, I knew that if I didn't thoroughly research, I could end up regretting my actions and second guessing the consequences.

Then one day, I had enough of the abuse and I put a plan into action. Within a month, I had moved Mom into Memory Care. It has been 2 months and so far, I have no regrets. She cries and whines about how bad the food is, how they ignore her, how mean they are to her, how I don't visit enough, and she doesn't want to stay. However, I walk away without much guilt because I know I could no longer do day-to-day care of her. I review my journal entries to reflect on how life was when I was in her clutches and write new journal entries.

I don't know if I'm a better person. I do know that visitation is optional. Therefore, when I go to see her, I start with a good attitude. I know I can leave at any time and know that someone is there to take care of her. When she starts accusing me or exhibits any of the nasty behavior, I honor my boundaries and tell her that my visit is ending. That is how I'm dealing with all the accusations, her bullying behavior and overly critical nature. I know that her accusations will not stop as they haven't for over 60 years of my life. Therefore, all I can do is remove myself from the toxic environment.

Good luck to you.

How do I stop believing his accusations…
Me being me, if anyone made this accusation, "I'd say kiss my ...
and call me when you realize you're jettisoning the only person in your corner".

BUT, Parkinson's can be brain altering.

As an aside, I don't know if this is a rule but an older caregiver once told me that typically a mean person in life will be even meaner during their decline, and the reverse was often true. My husband was a good soul his whole life and he is a gentle soul now during his illness. My gentle friend's Parkinson suffering (in life, selfish) husband accused her of everything from adultery to poisoning his food and this to the point that she had to taste test his food before he'd take a bite from the plate from which she was spoon feeding him. This woman was a saint.

At any rate, understand that a false accusation is a classic manipulation tactic, like a child that cries to, beside communicate, force their way.

I totally understand your believing that you caused his illness.

If something is repeated especially by someone who should've been "on your team" so to speak while you were growing up you could question your own good sense and logic especially regarding something invisibly occuring like an illness. Being beaten down all your life and the way you express yourself you're either very young or an overly sensitive person who will believe accusations.

But know that this is bull****. Know it like you drove into a big concrete Bull**** billboard at 200 miles an hour.

Is he violent? Can you record him making the accusations? Can you sit with him at the doctor's office and play the recording? That's maybe not a good idea, but perhaps have the doctor hear it privately.

If I were you I'd reply, in the calm grown-up voice of someone who won't play ping-pong with him anymore, "no dad, but you're rage is making you sicker".

Was your dad exposed to farm or gardening chemicals or Agent Orange?

By the way, going back to my friend (a very petite lady) who took great care of her husband with Parkinson's…he was exposed to Agent Orange during the Viet Nam War. He became so totally immobile and vicious. She had part of her house remodeled to accommodate him with ceiling lifts in bedroom and bathroom, doorways widened and ramps installed. He was always clean, comfortable and fed. Eventually she had to get two tag team aids and family to help. These professionals would hear from him in whispers how he was being poisoned and worse and they knew to just smile and placate him.

Yes, aggravation can make you sick. Think about it.

I would tell him since I cause you so much stress, I am going no contact with you to alleviate that stress.

You didn't make him sick. He is sick beyond Parkinson's to treat you the way he does. Just because he is your sperm donor doesn't mean you have to accept his toxic waste. You can walk away until he gets psychiatric help to stop his attempt at making you responsible for his condition. No help = no contact

I am sorry to hear about your dad. Sorry to say but the delusional thinking is just a part of the disease. You can't allow yourself to believe the delusion. Love him, be there for him, remind yourself that the blaming is only a symptom of the disease. Yes, I have a very abusive parent who constantly reminds me of how disappointed she is with me. But then was then and now is now. Let's deal with the declining of their days by honoring them and ourselves by loving unconditionally. Setting and example of how we wish to be treated.
https://www.parkinson.org/Understanding-Parkinsons/Symptoms/Non-Movement-Symptoms/Hallucinations-Delusions

When a person has kids, they CHOOSE to invite some amount of stress into their life. You have to learn ways to destress and use self care. That's on him.

My suggestion is to get him genetically tested. The relatively inexpensive options out there (such as 23 and me) can tell you if he has a genetic predisposition or higher than normal chance of getting Parkinson's. If it shows that he does, maybe he can stop blaming you.