My father blames me for causing his Parkinson’s. How do I stop believing his accusations?

dear blamed,
:)

hug!!
don’t accept the blame. throw the blame out of your mind, and into the garbage.

abusers repeat their false accusations/false criticisms…in order to sort of brain-wash you.

if you hear something once, it’s kind of easy to shrug it off. but if you keep hearing it…

———
solution?

throw all the blaming/accusations in the garbage.

you’re kindly helping your father, despite his terrible, false accusation of you. he’s very lucky you help.

a lot of abusers feel better if they can blame someone else (in particular if they can blame the scapegoat, whom they’ve scapegoated anyway for years).

they have a bad illness. “what to do?…i know! i’ll blame the scapegoat for causing it.”

you didn’t cause the Parkinson’s. don’t believe it.

and — you’re not causing Parkinson’s to get worse. Parkinson’s gets worse on its own.

very unfair + morally wrong of your father to blame you in any way.

all this false blaming (which is also abuse), can make YOU (dear OP) sick and unhappy. stressed (especially since your father managed to make you believe it). watch out for your physical/mental health. and — don’t believe any of these false accusations.

hug!!!

bundle of joy :)

You need to find ways to live where your father can’t ‘pick on you’ and blame you for things you didn’t do. The quickest way is to walk away, stop contact. The step before that is to threaten it (genuinely) if it doesn’t stop. The science is on your side – before you walk away, put him in touch with it!

Other options might be:
1) To show him the print-out information about Parkinsons that you already know, with the links to check on the information, and whatever help he needs with the technology.
2) To put him in touch with the Parkinsons support information site.
3) To offer him paid time with a knowledgable counsellor.
4) Earplugs when you visit.

Good luck! Many Christians would say that you are fighting the devil (of disinformation).

Al-anon has a great saying that I find helpful.
1. I did not cause this.
2. I can not control this.
3. I can not cure this.

Hello Blamed,

Please change your name from Blamed (that’s what your father wants) to something else.
:)
How about Treasured? Appreciated? Cherished?

Hello Appreciated,

It’s a lie that you in any way caused the Parkinson’s or made the disease worse.

You don’t have the power to do that.
Did you inject your father with Parkinson’s disease?
Did you manipulate his cells, one by one, so that Parkinson’s will progress?

If anything, with your help, I bet you made the situation of having Parkinson’s a million times better for him.

Hello Appreciated,

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
And actually very mean of your father to blame you, and he probably noticed you believed him, after repeatedly telling you that you’re the cause. Kind of like mentally torturing someone.

Poodle Doodle

My husband constantly tells me his illness is my fault. His choices and behavior led him to where he is today. If his bp goes up because he doesn't like something I've said to him, that's on him, not me. It is totallly a control tactic and I don't buy it any more.

What dad is doing is called "projection".
It's his way of denying that he is causing YOU stress.

Might I ask why you need to have anything at all to do with this monster?

Your father would be better served by being in the care of dispassionate folks who can't be manipulated.

THANK YOU EVERYONE.

I am - seriously - already putting into action your solutions.
(In particular, the actions that concern my mind, how to look at the situation differently).
(My major problem is the blame/abuse lingering in my mind).

I've literally taken notes of your advice.

THANK YOU.

Your dad is a dumb a**. Please dont spend your life taking care of this abusive man. You deserve more than that.

He deserves more than Parkinson's for all abuse he caused you as a defenseless child.

I think you need to tell your dad to go to hell and stop all contact with him. He is trying to make you feel guilty so you will take care if him, I am sure of it. Don't. Do it

Blamed, I highly recommend that you seek talk therapy to work through your lingering doubts.

Dad, or caregivers can call 911 in an emergency. If dad utters one word of blame or abuse, hang up, saying "we'll speak when you you're feeling more yourself."

Hang up. His needs in no way outweigh your need for respect and kindness.

Remember that he needs you more than you need him.

"No, Dad, your disease is not MY fault. That's a stupid thing to say. Don't insult my intelligence, and yours."

I wouldn't say it to him, you'll just start an argument. Say it several times a day to a mirror.

Non sense allegations should be ignored.

Are you telling us that after speaking with MD, after your research, you believe that someone can cause Parkinson's? You seem to indicate you understand intellectually this is IMPOSSIBLE; yet you persist in believing this?
I would seek counseling with a professional to work on the reasoning here so you can free and clear your mind. Abusive parents cause us to form habitual habits in our thinking, roads we by habit traverse over and over. It takes great courage to explore alternative ways of thinking, breaking old habits, but it is very freeing, and once you begin to break this pattern you will understand your power as a human being, and you will be so proud of yourself.
Seek help. You are already on your way because you have researched, and on some level you already know the truth. You won't need a lot of help to form new habits of thinking, and great relief in your life. I still remember the exact day I felt the relief of breaking old habits of responding! What I felt was JOY, pure and simple. And it never even required me being angry at the person involved. It only involved my SPEAKING and at the same time BELIEVING the absolute truth, and doing it certainly, and gently. After that, no one ever had the power to make me question myself again. But, yup, it required a good counselor's guidance and help. Consider it an option.
Best of luck.

Just because he's been tested for dementia and Dr says he is fine, keep in mind, Dr is not with your dad on a daily basis and could possibly get past the testing for now. You are NOT at fault for his disease!
I'm not sure the specifics on why you are required to do things that caregivers can't handle? They can take care of all his health needs. If not, he needs to be in a facility. You don't need to be around the abusive man. I see what he's done to you. Please don't allow him to continue his absurd abuse.

Hmmmm.

By your logic, I should have accepted the blame when my (now ex) husband said "what you said made me hit you. It's your fault".

I DID accept them blame For a long time. Therapy helped.

Parkinson's is neurological and goes hand in hand with Dementia. Its a debilitating illness. After 20 years, he may be starting on the downside of it. Be ready to place him eventually, because he will not be easy to care for.

You need to stand firm with you Dad. As long as he dishes it out and you take it, he will continue. My Dad was a stubborn person. Even though he knew his legs were giving out, he would not use a walker. A cane does no good when both legs are giving out. I took him out of State to a vascular doctor. By the time we got him out of the car and into the building he had to sit down. Got him in the elevator, just about had to hold him up. TG the doctor's office was right there. Next time I told him I was not taking him if he did not use a walker. He agreed, but as soon as he got home he said "take it". I learned then when u put your foot down they may comply.

Your Dad needs you more than you need him. Put on ur big boy pants and tell him firmly that you are tired of him blaming you for an illness you did not cause. If he doesn't stop, he will need to find someone else to help him. Just because he is your father, you don't have to put up with this stupid accusation. There are resources to help him. He can also go into a facility.

You have been a good son and I was a good daughter but we need to set boundries. You set the boundary for you. When Dad crosses it you stay firm. You actually have control here. Who else is going to do for him. If he keeps saying it, stop whatever you are doing and walk out or hang up. My Dad used to push my buttons and I would get up set. My DH would say he will keep doing it as long as it upsets u. They get satisfaction from upsetting you.

Blamed,
I appreciate an OP who responds to our suggestions and queries. We often find that people pose a question and it's the last we hear of him or her.
I have read your responses one and all. It leads me to think that you are quite intelligent and even savvy.
You describe your Dad as "abusive all my life". But you seem exceptionally able to advocate for yourself. You are very agreeable and appreciative of those here who agree with you, but seem also more than capable of defending yourself when someone suggests any other way of looking at things.
You tell us that you Dad doesn't really blame you for his Parkinson's itself, but that he DOES blame you for an increase in his tremors.
Your quick responses to us makes me think that perhaps you and Dad have developed a somewhat habitual way of acting and reacting to one another. You feel he has been abusive, but you stay and I think perhaps even argue with him? Perhaps???
This would increase tremors of Parkinson's or almost any other chronic illness that has tremoring, or increase in symptoms due to an increase in adrenaline, cortisol levels, all hormonal surges in activities of that type.
So ultimately, much as I hate to think it of an abusive Dad, he may be right. Argument and dissension may increase his symptoms.
It's just possible that your being in the life of an abusive man overmuch is not only not good for YOU, but not good--just perhaps--for him.
Consider seeing Dad a whole lot less. There are many people without children in their lives at all, and they are handling Parkinson's and a whole plethora of other ills on their own.
It's worth thinking about, in any case.

So here's my question: Why on earth are you continuing to care for a father who's continuously accused you of causing his Parkinson's Disease and/or worsening his symptoms? It sounds to me like you believe your father 100% and agree with him that you ARE indeed responsible for his increase in symptoms, at least.

My mother used to blame everyone on earth for everything that went wrong in her life. Never herself, ever, under any circumstances. Everything was my dad's fault, my fault, her mother's fault, God's fault, the weather's fault, the car's fault, whatever, as long as SHE didn't have to take the blame or the responsibility for her OWN actions, she was happy. That nonsense got really old really fast, and caused me to back AWAY from her rather than to do MORE for her so I could be the target of all her blame.

If you continue to 'do' for your dad, you will continue to believe you're the bad guy here, and poor dad is the victim of your bad intentions toward him. How do you stop believing the accusation? You stop taking care of the accuser and you stop dealing with him for the vast majority of the time, that's how. Then you don't hear anything he has to say, blessedly! You allow him to spend his own money on caregivers and let him blame THEM for whatever ails him. Then you go about living your own life and letting dad live his. Have dinner together once in a while and vamoose on OUT of there at the first mention of how you're causing him 'symptoms' of any kind. That's my advice.

Good luck to you.

Blamed, I can relate to your dad accusing you of causing his illnesses because my father said the same thing to me, though he only did that a couple of times when he was irritated. And while your dad could have more severe personality issues or increasing grumpy-factor from early dementia, I gathered that your dad was more of the garden variety ahole from your follow up comments and you say this a far from new behavior for him overall; rather he's been hateful, toxic all your life.

So then I think you have a good plan to put reminders out for yourself, so when your dad says hurtful things or ticks you off then you can channel that differently instead of internalizing it. You can work on ignoring those triggers, too, by being more aware of when your own emotional wires have tripped and then do a competing behavior instead of saying anything back to him or letting him continue to verbally attack you. (You could go to another room, or some other behavior that is incompatible with being verbally accused.)

It has been exceptionally difficult for me to ignore verbal triggers from my own family because they're always poking in that same old place from childhood and the past 40 years, and the patterns of dysfunctional interaction are long set. It's a habit: both on their part and on mine in how I receive the verbal messages. I'm a bit better now at ignoring but it's been a process of learning the tools and implementing them consistently.

*The behavior of ignoring is different from using visual prompts to remind yourself that your dad is projecting, that he is controlling, or that his ire goes up towards you when he's unhappy in himself. All of this might be true, but finding a reason for your dad's behavior isn't the point imo. I added this to clarify.*

I think habit reversal awareness training, which you can teach to yourself, would be helpful. I think the visual prompts you referred to in another reply are good but also you can work towards having those internal prompts, too. And if you ignore your father and he doesn't get the reaction he was expecting, hopefully he'll stop verbally poking at you. This is known as Extinction in ABA, which I'm currently studying. The gist is: If you do not reinforce the behavior in any way, then it stops serving a purpose/function and will no longer be used.

I think this new behavior on your part -- ignoring -- will help your dad, too, if indeed you are causing him stress by arguing with him or anything else you're doing.

***And you didn't cause your dad's Parkinson's, and I didn't cause my dad's cancer, but I don't know how to begin to speak to "how does one stop believing" these things. Which was your only question to begin with and then I wrote a whole spiel here based on your replies haha. I hope something in my comment is helpful to you and if not, discard. Hugs.

Good Monday to all! And thank you!

Hello Margaret McKen,

Thanks! Now I see what you mean (Christian reference).

My father is a very good man.
BUT: towards me ----- he's very kind, and very mean. BOTH.

Throughout his life (now too), he lives his life, with true honor and goodness.

It's just how he behaves towards ME.
Many people on this forum are the scapegoats, picked on.
Like me.

What I'm saying is, there is nothing evil/devil, or anything like that.

Yes, it's very wrong what he does towards me.
BUT, he's in reality, a very good man.

Other issue:
If I say anything like you said (‘Yes, of course Dad, I did it deliberately’. ) --- he will quote me forever.

I won't do that.

However, I'm already putting into practice many solutions suggested here.
And the 1st thing I saw today, on my kitchen table was my piece of paper that says:

-he'll destroy you
-control tactic
-projection

Have a great Monday, all!
:)

There was character on TV years back, a woman playing a small child caught doing something or other. "Dolly did it" she would say. While it was a commedy, people get that style. The "someone else did it". Projection I believe it is called. A very juvenile stage. As we mature, we start to own our own faults, mistakes, choices.

Now getting a life limiting disease is not something your Dad needs to feel responsible for getting. It's just bad luck. But to blame it on someone? Weird & wrong. Blame it on your adult child? Extra weird & wrong. Blame it on your adult child-carer? Head shakingly weird & wrong.

I'd be very tempted to tell him to grow up. That he sounds like a 2 year old.

Blamed,

Your father has used you as his scapegoat all your life to blame his problems. That's abuse and there's no two ways about it.
I too was a family scapegoat. My mother blamed all the world's evils on me since I was a little kid. She was so expert at her blame game that she even found a way to convince herself that I was in part responsible for my sibling's drug-related death. I didn't speak to her for almost six years after that one. I have zero tolerance and zero patience for this kind of nonsense. The child scapegoat/abusive parent relationship gets worse the older and needier the parent gets. That's why you have to be strong for yourself and out yourself first. Not your father. If you still want to help him, it has to be on your terms, not his.
When he starts up with the asinine nonsense that you caused his Parkinson's disease, I want you to tell that if he really believes that nonsense that you will have zero contact with him. That you will think of him as dead, then he can be thankful to you for curing his Parkinson's disease. Then have nothing to do with him but leave the door open. If he wants to reach out to you, he will. I had had enough of her crap and cut her out of my life. When I did this, she talked about me something terrible to my whole family but they took her words with a grain of salt because they knew how it was. She even made attempts at contacting my then husband and his family as well to establish a connection with me. They didn't bother with her because they knew too. I left a door open if she wanted to communicate with me directly, but it would be on my terms not hers. When she started getting needy she reached out to me and I helped her. I'm her caregiver now. I don't tolerate a moment of stubbornness, instigating, scapegoating, complaining, or guilt tripping attempts. Not one moment. She knows that if dementia shows up to the party I will not care for her. This is hard for her to understand because I've been an in-home caregiver as employment for almost 25 years. I explained that the all the scapegoating, gaslighting, and abuse put on me since I was a little kid is the reason why I would have zero patience with dementia-related abuse if it came from her now or in the future. We get along well enough and have for some time.
I think this is how you will have to be with your father if you want to have any kind of relationship for him.

Good morning, all!

Update on my progress:

Really, it's the 1st time I see what's happening:
-control tactic
-projection

Until now (of course I know many of the things I hear are untrue), the pattern was kind of like this:
-My father says some negative thing X (which sometimes sounds valid) (let's say X doesn't concern me, it's just a complaint about something unrelated to me)
-I used to try to deal with X then; fix; think of solutions
(Over and over, same pattern)

Today I saw:
...that the complaint/negative things...have really (there are a few exceptions) NOTHING to do with a REAL thing...
...I mean it is REAL. But it' just an opportunity to say something NEGATIVE.

For the 1st time today, I didn't deal with X:
I just told myself (control tactic, projection), just wants to talk about negative things. Ignore.

I kindly said, "I love you", and that I had to go (which is true).

Thanks! I'm making progress.

Hi SP19690,

I hope your day's going great!

You suggested to me:
"stop all contact with him."

I'll continue contact. I will help my father. I love him very deeply. 

Again, thanks for your warning:
"If you can't separate yourself from his abuse then you need to go no contact. He will destroy you long before he is 6 feet under."

I promise, I won't let anyone destroy me.

Blamed, that is an awesome amount of progress!!

Blamed, something else to keep in mind; many of us (myself included) are inveterate "fixers"--we hear about a problem and we go into "superhero mode", trying to come up with a solution.

Two things to remember about old age and chronic illness.

Sometimes, there is no "fix".

And sometimes, there is no "best solution". There is only the least bad one.

It sounds like your dad is venting. Responding with "I love you" is an awesome and sweet reply to his negativity.

Good morning.

I am relieved to read on in this thread and see progress made in how you perceive and process these behaviors! As I'm sure you well know, perception is often reality to those around us.

Just wanted to point out the key difference that I see between you and your father. If too assumptive in nature, please forgive me.

- You are openly and actively seeking channels and advice on ways to manage and navigate a stress-related situation. (Yes, I'm assuming this is stressful for you!)

- Your father took little or no responsibility in managing his *perceived stress-related situation over the years.

Stress isn't all bad. It's much more critical or detrimental to health in how one is able to manage it, decompress in healthy ways and maintain levels that are sustainable.

This level of stress will continue to impact his PD among other health areas. Has he ever been open to stress-management therapies? (Would not recommend you suggesting it, but rather having a Doctor or other trusted party recommend)

Your father seems to be one of those people who has to find someone to blame for everything that happens to him. You've got two choices...help him in spite of the fact that he's an a** and learn how to ignore his insults. Or you could walk away and send him a card on the holidays and remind him in the card that you love him sooo much that you are keeping your distance so that he doesn't develop any more health issues.

dear appreciated (i agree with poodle, your name should be changed from "blamed" to "appreciated"),

try this, in your mind:

:) “Sorry. Yesterday was the deadline for complaints.”

this way, you simply don't accept complaints anymore (your father will continue, but you mentally block it; the deadline passed already, yesterday).

Blamed, you might find crappychildhoodfairy on You Tube helpful.

Hi. Fellow only child, scapegoat and fixer here. Took me years to shed the guilt. I now see how pathetic it is to try to absolve oneself of all responsibility through blaming another. The mental gymnastics required to contort reality or coincidence into controllable or blameable events in order to protect one’s perfection must be exhausting. Or it’s the go-to defence of the immature.

When I was a child my father had a stroke. My mother blamed me and, from that day on, if I disagreed with my parents or did anything “bad”, she insisted I would kill him with stress. At 18 I moved away. He died a few years later anyway.

l learned, after he died, that he’d had very high blood pressure for years before I was even born. Incidentally, he never alluded to any link between me and his health.

Now my mother has dementia. For years she blamed me. Her wildest accusation involved raging at me, demanding to know who was paying me to make her think she was losing her mind. Because she wasn’t. Her memory was fine. It was obviously my doing.

I remained calm, spoke softly, and acknowledged her anger, frustration and fear of losing control of her life. When I really wanted to yell back “Think you can match what they offered me to kill you?!?”