Good morning all! My father (abusive, toxic all my life) (sometimes nice) blames me for causing his Parkinson’s.
I’m a good son. I’ve worked hard all my life. Successful. I’m an only-child. Divorced parents. I help him any way I can (he asks me for my help).
My father picks on me (my whole life; also before Parkinson’s started).
My father is now 80.
Parkinson’s started at 60.
He’s been tested many times for dementia (recently last week). Sound mind.
From the beginning (age 60), he said I caused it. He told me Parkinson’s can be caused by stress/psychological factors. He repeatedly, over many years, told me I caused it. (And that I’m causing it to get worse).
The problem is, that I believed him.
I know he’s abusive. But I guess a part of you tends to believe what your parents say.
(I have done nothing stressful towards my father). But still, I believed it.
I researched causes of Parkinson’s and tried to stop believing my father. I know it’s false. But it’s still in my mind.
Anyone else been falsely blamed for their LO’s illness, by their LO? How do you stop believing the accusation? Thanks in advance!
THANK YOU.
You see, the trouble is, that physical illnesses sometimes, possibly, can indeed be caused by deep stress/psychological factors ---- I mean like psychosomatic symptoms (our minds deeply affect our bodies, and vice versa).
So it wasn't totally impossible, his theory.
(I have done nothing wrong against my father).
But the theory --- that Parkinson's can be caused by stress? Well, it's not totally, totally impossible as an idea.
And you know -- no matter what we read about medicine -- doctors change opinions all the time -- 50 years later they say the cause is Z and not X.
So you can't totally trust what the general opinion is, either, on causes of certain illnesses.
Anyway, the point is, I've done nothing wrong against my father.
He has had stress in his life (before Parkinson's), totally unconnected to me. But as I wrote, he blamed me for causing his illness.
"Please, please try not to let that craziness inhabit your mind for even a second."
THANK YOU. YES.
I now see the illness-blaming as just part of all the other blaming.
He just prefers to blame me for everything, and Parkinson's is just another thing on the list.
"Unhealthy people often try to blame others for their problems"
YES.
Thank you for re-affirming it's not my fault (his illness).
As you wrote:
"The description of him as abusive and toxic all his life says it all."
So, all this blaming, is all part of the same package.
The same strategy. As BarbBrooklyn wrote: my father's venting.
(against me).
Thanks!!
"The doctor needs to set this man straight."
My father already spoke to many doctors. It doesn't matter. My father blames me.
Why?
Because abusers prefer to blame the scapegoat.
Why?
Because it makes them feel good.
Can more information help change my father's mind?
No. Because it's "more fun", "feels better" to blame someone else (me). My father has plenty of information.
Thanks for your nice intentions.
I don't need professional help.
I already feel a lot better. Already changed some things, thanks to many nice replies here.
Already stopped believing what he says.
I now see that what he's doing is:
-venting
-projection
-control tactic
I said it to my father many times, over the years:
"no I didn't cause your Parkinson's"
He screams then that I did.
Thanks to many replies here, I now see clearly what he's doing:
-venting
-projection
-control tactic
The next time he says it, say 'dad, maybe you're right. And since I feel so bad about it, maybe I should just make myself scarce and not come around anymore. I certainly don't want to make it any worse." And then follow through. Limit your communication with him since it doesn't seem to be doing anybody any good.
"He's using them to guilt and control you."
I see that now.
My suggestion is to get him genetically tested. The relatively inexpensive options out there (such as 23 and me) can tell you if he has a genetic predisposition or higher than normal chance of getting Parkinson's. If it shows that he does, maybe he can stop blaming you.
“When a person has kids, they CHOOSE to invite some amount of stress into their life.”
I was a very sweet kid.
It has nothing to do with that.
Abusers blame scapegoats.
I wasn’t, and am not, stressful at all. I’m very kind.
He was and is toxic, my whole life. Just towards me.
I had nothing to do with any stress.
He confirms too, I was a very sweet kid.
He just likes to blame/accuse when he’s in a bad mood.
What you say (although you don’t mean to say that), is that perhaps I did in some way stress him?
Even he’ll tell you: that’s not true. I was very sweet.
His stress had to do with things outside the family. But it’s more fun to lash out, blame someone.
“My suggestion is to get him genetically tested.”
“If it shows that he does, maybe he can stop blaming you.”
You misunderstand.
Abusers don’t abuse because of lack of information.
He already talked many times about the causes to doctors.
But he blames me.
Why? It’s more fun to blame someone.
Why was he toxic when I was a child?
Because (as you say), maybe I caused stress in some way because it’s stressful to have children?
NO.
He was toxic, because that’s how he is.
I was not in any way stressful.
It’s more fun for abusers to blame, lash out.
https://www.parkinson.org/Understanding-Parkinsons/Symptoms/Non-Movement-Symptoms/Hallucinations-Delusions
You didn't make him sick. He is sick beyond Parkinson's to treat you the way he does. Just because he is your sperm donor doesn't mean you have to accept his toxic waste. You can walk away until he gets psychiatric help to stop his attempt at making you responsible for his condition. No help = no contact
Me being me, if anyone made this accusation, "I'd say kiss my ...
and call me when you realize you're jettisoning the only person in your corner".
BUT, Parkinson's can be brain altering.
As an aside, I don't know if this is a rule but an older caregiver once told me that typically a mean person in life will be even meaner during their decline, and the reverse was often true. My husband was a good soul his whole life and he is a gentle soul now during his illness. My gentle friend's Parkinson suffering (in life, selfish) husband accused her of everything from adultery to poisoning his food and this to the point that she had to taste test his food before he'd take a bite from the plate from which she was spoon feeding him. This woman was a saint.
At any rate, understand that a false accusation is a classic manipulation tactic, like a child that cries to, beside communicate, force their way.
I totally understand your believing that you caused his illness.
If something is repeated especially by someone who should've been "on your team" so to speak while you were growing up you could question your own good sense and logic especially regarding something invisibly occuring like an illness. Being beaten down all your life and the way you express yourself you're either very young or an overly sensitive person who will believe accusations.
But know that this is bull****. Know it like you drove into a big concrete Bull**** billboard at 200 miles an hour.
Is he violent? Can you record him making the accusations? Can you sit with him at the doctor's office and play the recording? That's maybe not a good idea, but perhaps have the doctor hear it privately.
If I were you I'd reply, in the calm grown-up voice of someone who won't play ping-pong with him anymore, "no dad, but you're rage is making you sicker".
Was your dad exposed to farm or gardening chemicals or Agent Orange?
By the way, going back to my friend (a very petite lady) who took great care of her husband with Parkinson's…he was exposed to Agent Orange during the Viet Nam War. He became so totally immobile and vicious. She had part of her house remodeled to accommodate him with ceiling lifts in bedroom and bathroom, doorways widened and ramps installed. He was always clean, comfortable and fed. Eventually she had to get two tag team aids and family to help. These professionals would hear from him in whispers how he was being poisoned and worse and they knew to just smile and placate him.
Yes, aggravation can make you sick. Think about it.
“a mean person in life will be even meaner during their decline”
Yes, I think it’s true.
We better all watch out (if our LOs were difficult before, too).
“At any rate, understand that a false accusation is a classic manipulation tactic, like a child that cries to, beside communicate, force their way.”
Manipulation tactic. AGREED.
“I totally understand your believing that you caused his illness.”
YES.
“If something is repeated especially by someone who should've been "on your team"”
YES.
“But know that this is bull****. Know it like you drove into a big concrete Bullshit billboard at 200 miles an hour.”
YES. THANKS!!
“"no dad, but you're rage is making you sicker"”
If I say that (and I have, not exactly those words), he screams even more (because of course, that would mean that HE IS CAUSING HIS OWN STRESS and problems, agitation.)
I’ve said various things, like, “Father, you’re having a very hard time, that’s why you’re behaving like this. I understand, it’s very hard to have Parkinson’s.”
Then he screams even more.
(By the way, as I said, he was the same before Parkinson’s).
“Was your dad exposed to farm or gardening chemicals or Agent Orange?”
No. But I can see how chemicals might cause Parkinson’s. There are many theories. That’s 1 of them.
Thanks for bringing it up!
THANKS for your answer!!
Is your Dad living independently or in Assisted Living? If he is living independently, do the research now, to start getting your Dad into Assisted Living/Memory Care. Also, if he doesn't have caregivers, start the process of finding an agency. Also, give up thinking that you will inherit anything from him other than a potential bad attitude. Also give up thinking about any relatives "helping" you.
In my case, I tend to only remember the good in people and downplay the bad (that is a side effect of the abuse that my mother inflicted upon me). Therefore, to make sure that I made the right decisions, I journaled what my Mom said and how I felt. Also in that journal, I documented what ideas I had for an action plan on how to get out of the abusive situation that didn't involve relatives. I went to Senior fairs to see what options were available and to generate new ideas. Yes, it was a lot of work, however, I knew that if I didn't thoroughly research, I could end up regretting my actions and second guessing the consequences.
Then one day, I had enough of the abuse and I put a plan into action. Within a month, I had moved Mom into Memory Care. It has been 2 months and so far, I have no regrets. She cries and whines about how bad the food is, how they ignore her, how mean they are to her, how I don't visit enough, and she doesn't want to stay. However, I walk away without much guilt because I know I could no longer do day-to-day care of her. I review my journal entries to reflect on how life was when I was in her clutches and write new journal entries.
I don't know if I'm a better person. I do know that visitation is optional. Therefore, when I go to see her, I start with a good attitude. I know I can leave at any time and know that someone is there to take care of her. When she starts accusing me or exhibits any of the nasty behavior, I honor my boundaries and tell her that my visit is ending. That is how I'm dealing with all the accusations, her bullying behavior and overly critical nature. I know that her accusations will not stop as they haven't for over 60 years of my life. Therefore, all I can do is remove myself from the toxic environment.
Good luck to you.
“I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the accusations. You need to take care of YOU!”
Yes.
Your father has been abusive and toxic all your life, you gave him your power as a young child. You need to take it back, as a previous person said. Your mentality of feeling you are to blame is how a victim of abuse thinks. This is your challenge, that he offers you. The challenge of connecting with your inner self and an opportunity to heal from the abuse.
He is responsible for his own psychological issues. Until you accept this fact on a spiritual level, you will never be free of blame and guilt. It's time to do what is right for you and not feel guilty about it. Put you first. Learn about boundaries, do your own inner healing work and get support to do that, it sounds like you can afford it.
My intuition tells me your father is jealous of your success.
I don't know what he did for work before his Parkinson's set in but just like dementia, it is years in the making. I know you said you researched it, but what is not widely known is that it is caused by toxic heavy metals like mercury and aluminium oxidising in the brain and damaging neurons. He may have a sharp mind now, but he is definitely on his way to dementia because brain damage, whether it's from Parkinsons, MS, ALS or brain disease labelled as dementia, it will eventually lead to cognitive decline.
He sounds like a miserable bastard. Decide that you deserve better and distance yourself as needed. YOU must come first. Until you believe that you are enough and deserve to be treated better, this pattern will continue. This is one of the big lessons you came to learn in this life.
God bless and take care.
My father is a good person. Yes, he’s toxic at times; also when I was a child.
But he’s also extremely, genuinely kind.
“My intuition tells me your father is jealous of your success.”
I think you have a point.
I was a very successful student too, in school, university.
I loved school (when I was a child). Loved studying.
Did well in my job too.
“God bless and take care.”
THANK YOU. YOU TOO!!!
I’ll succeed at protecting myself.
Leading to this, she'd stopped eating food but drank more until she finally was bedridden, dehydrated, almost delirious, and having abdominal pain. My sister and I took her to the hospital under protest.
For 6 weeks post-op, she refused to even try to recover and starved herself down to 88 lbs.
She now says, "I'd be fine if I'd never gone to the hospital. They did this to me." (She's also got advancing dementia.)
By "they," she means me and my sister. We know she'd be dead now if we hadn't stepped in.
We've had a lifetime of similar verbal abuse. We're in our 60s now and limit visits. We walk away if she starts replaying old tapes. At some point you have to say, "Enough's enough. I don't deserve this BS."
My father says slightly different sentences - but it’s similar to your situation.
“We've had a lifetime of similar verbal abuse. We're in our 60s now and limit visits. We walk away if she starts replaying old tapes. At some point you have to say, "Enough's enough. I don't deserve this BS."”
YES.
By the way, just as my father is very likely jealous of me, your mother is very likely jealous of you and your sister.
Stress….? That can’t explain a lifetime of abuse.
Some people (family, “friends”, whoever) inject a mean sentence here and there, once every few years.
But when it’s a whole lifetime, and frequent?
That’s not stress. And that’s not “a bad day”. That’s choosing to aim all your abuse on a particular person.
And I do think that often, it originates from jealousy.
THANK YOU for your message.
Haha :).
Sweet.
Yes, ok!
From now on, I’ll be called “Accused”.
(Just kidding).
“He has latched on to that confabulation because it strikes a nerve in you.”
YOU ARE RIGHT.
I hadn’t thought of that before - and actually now that you say that, there are many things he says, which he knows “strike a nerve”.
“Do not tolerate the conversation.”
Yes.
AND THANK YOU for your message!
Say I gotta go. I’ll be back when you change your tune. Good luck and all the best. Come back when it is convenient.
My DH put up with so much abuse from his mother that he will have no contact with her. She can’t have a phone for all the havoc she would cause. She would send letters from the ALF begging to be removed from prison, accusing him of stealing her money, and then cursing him. He started throwing the letters in the recycling bin.
I finally sent her a note that her notes were falling on deaf ears. Until she could send a civil note that didn’t beg to come to live with us because it wasn’t going to happen, stop cursing her son, and start saying something kind and loving, she would not receive the kind of attention she wanted. She can’t learn new tricks except to stop sending those nasty notes.
your father needs to learn that you won’t take the abuse and the consequence is the loss of your presence in his life.
Please find a support group - near you or online for caregivers of those with Parkinson's disease. If you have no success finding a group, please gather a group of loving friends and family to interact with most days of the week. You might consider a short stint of counselling to deal with this emotional issue that is causing you a lot of distress.
Thanks for your message!
"Parkinson's disease is not your fault."
Thanks! I fully understand that now.
Unfortunately, my father (this is an example) can intentionally suddenly tremble more, and then he says it's my fault.
I now understand fully, thanks to many replies here, what's going on:
--control tactic
--projection
--manipulation
--venting
--jealous
--blaming me for his illness is actually just part of the same blaming package for anything else he blames me for (abuse) (untrue) (false accusations)
--he tries to strike a nerve intentionally against me, with various statements he knows will hurt me
"Your father's genetic vulnerability, life choices, and unknown factors contribute to his state of health."
-------------THIS IS THE PROBLEM, RIGHT HERE:
I quote you again:
"unknown factors contribute to his state of health."
That's what they say about Parkinson's:
It's caused by maybe chemicals, toxins, etc.....and UNKNOWN factors.
My father therefore said:
ME.
The reality, is that I've never done anything against him.
On the contrary, I help him (he asks for my help).
As I see from many other people on the forum:
their elderly LOs (often it's the mother against daughter), also blame their adult children sometimes, for their decline.
Totally misplaced and unjust accusation.
Wrong.
But when someone keeps repeating it...
(Brain-washing the adult child...)
Thanks to many replies here, I see things much more clearly.
I used to put the blaming into 2 categories:
1. The emotional/verbal abuse, blaming
2. Specific blaming of causing his Parkinson's + making it worse
Now I see it's all part of the same abuse against me.
I realize I'm not the cause of his illness.
Nor am I the cause of his trembling (he intentionally trembles more, when he wants to).
As I said, it's like he uses his Parkinson's against me. I see now it's a control tactic, and I shouldn't buy it anymore.
I wish us all a very good day!
I'm improving.
Seeing things much more clearly.
And finally, lifting off of my shoulders all this wrongful, mean, horrible blame.
:)
please clear your mind.
all those wrong, hurtful, false accusations are DAMAGING (that's what abusers want) -- and who knows how many years you've walked with them on your shoulders.
clear your mind.
breathe in, out.
start anew.
many elderly LOs looooooove blaming their adult child (normally they choose ONE victim).
it's like a hobby for them.
see it as a hobby.
clear your mind.
and when you hear something, think to yourself:
"ah, there's your hobby again."
clear your mind.
hug!!!
bundle of joy :)
A part of me just kept believing (1% ?) what my father says, and I've been believing for years. (Specifically, the topic, his illness).
It affected my sleep also. It's hard to be relaxed and happy, when you're blamed.
Since a few days, I finally sleep better.
I found that people who "take" just keep taking from you , as you give out of love, they just see it as entitled to it. They can not understand other's feelings or put themselves in your shoes. You will never be able to do enough to be loved back.
It is their deficit, NOTHING you did.
A medical issue, whether increased by stress or not, is never caused by another person. People handle stress differently. If he never knew how to manage his stress, then that is his reason. If he is critical to you then it seems he has an agitated personality which again is his issue that caused his own stress.
Try to set boundaries, I had to with my mother. Was not there at her every call, because she wasn't really always in need. She wanted someone to cater to her, then not be thankful.
Love yourself and the giving person you are, you give to someone who is thankless, that is a rare person.
Soooo much I want to share with you about healing from this because man-o-man, I GET IT!! My 81 year old mom, who was rarely nice to me, has vascular dementia (now mid stage) and she blames me for her forgetfulness and all the changes going on in her mind and body. I can write a book about the twisted mind games and horrible verbal, phycological, emotional, and physical abuse I endured to still end up as her sole caregiver at 46 and still struggling to not feel guilty and less than because of HER OWN thoughts. So, I'm so sorry you also grew up with that similar mess as well. What I can share, from my experience is, before her dementia diagnose, I always new something was off with my mom. I learned after 6+ years of searching for ways to cope and self heal that I was dealing with a legit malignant narcissist. Once I realized that is in fact what she was all my life, everything else made sense. She projected upon me, she gaslighted me, she bullied me, and yet, fully depended on me to help her especially in her older age. I learned what roll I played throughout my life as her scapegoat and I had to go through a series of mix emotions to get to the next phase of healing. Once I created boundaries and realized she will NEVER change and that dementia will just make it all worst, I HAD to say a daily mantra to myself and accept that SHE has issues, not me, that SHE never grew up, that SHE feels empty inside and projected that upon me, that SHE does not value me because I in fact HAVE VALUE ... I'm not the problem and her disease is not my fault. With all that said... i see you have created your own mantra by logically thinking through the end game knowing that your are not the problem, and you seem to have learned to disconnect yourself from your dads projections which is awesome! Those are bigger steps than most have taken in their healing journey. Its's difficult to unlearn a lifetime of behaviors that were forced on you. But you seem to be on your way to shine brighter than ever. I'm sorry your dad is struggling with life and trying to drag you down with him, but that is HIS life ... not yours, no matter how much you love him. There NEEDS to be room and energy in your heart to love yourself just as much and to be able filter out the negativity that had nothing to do with you. Keep your convos with your dad short and sweet, make your visits short if he's not with you, surround yourself with loving people who see you for YOU, and know in your heart that you are a good son and a good human and no one can take that away from you. Be well.
Did you try walking away when he became abusive?
Did you go quiet when he interrupted you?
When someone abuses us, we need to withdraw from the situation in someway, either physically or verbally.
Let him do it on his own. Or get someone else to help. Continuing to help fuels the rage.
"Did you try walking away when he became abusive?"
To give you an example of yesterday:
the doctor and I were talking about important things. My Dad was in the middle of a medical emergency (could not help himself). But he could yell. So he was yelling while the doctor and I talked, interrupting every sentence I said.
The doctor and I tried to move a bit away, but he yelled louder.
"Did you go quiet when he interrupted you?"
I tried that -- but you see, this was an emergency. The doctor and I needed to talk fast, solve this fast.
"When someone abuses us, we need to withdraw from the situation in someway, either physically or verbally."
Now that I've saved the situation again, I could take another break, yes. I still feel the fresh criticisms, blame. Will get it out of my system.
"Let him do it on his own."
He couldn't. He was in the middle of the emergency.
"Or get someone else to help."
We were several people trying to help, but in this situation (my Dad unable to help himself), I as the son, had to make the decisions fast. Non-family (non-POA) don't have a right to make such decisions.
Awful day. Now I'm breathing better.
"Continuing to help fuels the rage."
Correct. I really promise I'll find a way around this all. Thanks BarbBrooklyn!
I appreciate (even if your dad doesn't) your sense of responsibility.
Here's the thing. In a situation in which dad is behaving badly, it sometimes helps to pretend you're made of Teflon. The crud that's being thrown at you rolls right off. This may be necessary in a medical emergency.
BUT everyday stuff? Leave it be.
Gosh, it just got worse. I just got off the phone with my Dad, to tell him the doctor is coming this morning (the caregiver was next to him as I spoke), and he continued to blame me for causing his medical emergency! And the caregiver started joining in!
What my Dad said was this:
He was doing fine, until I called yesterday to wish him a good Sunday. The call disturbed him, caused him agitation, which then caused the medical emergency.
Actually, I know for a fact, the medical emergency was already going on for 30 minutes before I called. A witness was there. The situation didn't look so bad yet.
Then I called (Sunday morning). I saw it could get serious. I called for more help, to come to the house. The medical people helped the whole day, to solve it.
My Dad says it would have been fine, but my phonecall made him get worse. The caregiver dared to say the same. (I'd like to fire her).
I have nothing to do with it. I was calling to say "hello", and to make sure he's all right. He was not. I saved him, by calling help. I spent the whole day, and after, saving him. It took hours.
"BUT everyday stuff? Leave it be."
Absolutely.
Gosh, it's terrible to be accused of something you never did, and my Dad tries to get allies (caregiver) to say the same things, accusing me.
I told my Dad, "I saved you."
He said, "I was sure you would say that. Actually you made it all worse. You're the reason I got the medical emergency."
I try to appear tough. But as I write this, I have tears. An awful feeling to be accused wrongly. And how to prove it? And two people ganging up on me.
If he needs day to day help AND he blames you for causing and worsening his disease, then doesn't it make sense for him to hire someone else to manage those tasks so that he doesn't need to be exposed to your oh-so-toxic presence?
It's exactly as you say: "exposed to your oh-so-toxic presence?"
Actually, I swear upon my life, and everyone's lives I have ever known, I'm very kind and sweet with my Dad.
"You get called only during medical emergencies."
This is already the case. The caregivers manage to take care of the rest. But the emergencies are frequent. I'm often called. And during emergencies, toxic people behave even worse because they're stressed, want to dump their negativity onto their victim.
I'll try the teflon approach: be like teflon during emergencies, let it roll off my back. Right now my heart is racing: angry, shocked at him AND the caregiver blaming be for something I never did. On the contrary, I saved him.
I'll try to shake it off me. Gosh I wish I could prove that I only saved him, have nothing to be blamed for. I spent my entire day, and more, in extreme stress and concern and love, saving him. Just doing the right thing, moment by moment, contacting the right people. He's right now safe and healthy, because of all the steps I took.
I'll try to shake off the false accusation. As soon as I tried to defend myself, he said, "I can't take it! I can't hear this! I'm falling." And the caregiver came to help him. I said, "You can't falsely accused me." He repeated, "I can't take this."
Crazy. All I did was save him all day.
Again, I'll try to shake this off, and be like teflon. And hopefully I'll be vindicated one day.
Dad is dead set on blaming you for a social call. Why not just cut those calls back?
Sad to say, your seeking validation from your father as his "savior" plays right into his playbook of abuse. And now he's got what we call "a flying monkey" backing up his abuse and dismissal of your worth.
Remind me why you think therapy wouldn't be a good thing?
Exactly, I would call that finding "flying monkeys".
Thanks for trying to help me, BarbBrooklyn.
I don't want to be a "savior". I just, like you said, help with emergencies. As you said: just reduce it to helping with emergencies. Not because you want to be a "savior". But because it's the right thing to do. I have POA. No one else can make these decisions: yesterday, for example, he could not make the decisions. Only me.
I'm not a "savior". The reality is that I saved his life. Many of us have saved our LOs' lives, in one way or other.
"he needs a higher level of care, either AL or skilled nursing."
In AL, he would have the same emergencies, and you continue advocating, helping with emergencies. Nothing would change. I would still be called for emergencies. That's what's happening now.
Let's define "frequent emergencies":
once every 2 months, something happens. And as POA, I must decide. Sometimes he can decide. In any case, I'm called in the emergency.
"Remind me why you think therapy wouldn't be a good thing?"
Sometimes, just hearing words from people/friends who understand, is worth a million.
Therapy? There isn't much to analyze here, not so many options available for the future:
Nothing can change my Dad. The only thing I can do, is decide how much contact I want during emergencies. The doctor and I tried to talk away from him (so it reduces my exposure to the abuse). It wasn't possible.
It's not always possible to stay away from the abuse. You can reduce it to minimal contact. I've already done that.
So, you having already reduced it to minimal contact: the only way is to try to be like teflon, let the abuse roll off your back.
It's about changing your thought patterns.
I know you don't want to see yourself as a "savior". But you asked for acknowledgement from your dad that you "saved" him (which I believe you did).
Instead, you were blamed for causing the problem in the first place.
(That's the behavior of a mentally ill person. Any who has a parent with long standing mental illness is in need of therapy to repair the damage that's been done to one's thinking processes.)
Maybe dad doesn't want to be saved. Maybe he'd rather be on hospice.
Hi! :)
No. There’s a misunderstanding here.
He (falsely) blamed me for causing his emergency.
I then said it’s untrue, on the contrary I saved him.
I don’t need to be acknowledged about it from
him. I was pointing out that not only is he wrong, the truth is the exact opposite.
“Maybe dad doesn't want to be saved. Maybe he'd rather be on hospice.”
He wants his life to be saved. He just enjoys blaming, falsely accusing…
“Blamed, therapy is not about "analyzing". It's about changing your thought patterns.”
Yes, right. I’m saying unfortunately there isn’t much to do.
One can’t change the abuser. One can change the amount of contact.
I don’t want acknowledgement.
I certainly don’t want false accusations against me. (But he’ll continue). I tried to set the record straight.
Now that I’ve done that, there’s nothing else to do. Just continue reducing contact as I do already.
Thanks for your message!
He continues to blame me about everything. I understand it’s all part of the same control tactic.
I already reduced contact as much as I can. The rest: I’ll try to be like teflon and let it roll off my back.
I had a good childhood actually - apart from the psychological abuse. It's not that he couldn't handle it having kids. It's that some people feel good when they make others feel bad. That's where their happiness comes from.
i hope you, everyone, who's abused finds a way out.
maybe these techniques help:
aim of the abuse:
(1) to make you feel bad
(2) lower your self-esteem
(3) depressed. victim feels bad, eats badly, feels worthless.
counter-techniques:
(1) don't INTERNALIZE it; physically/visually push away the garbage abuse with your hands. tell yourself "this is trash". "this is a lie".
(2) put it in the invisible trash can, otherwise abuse accumulates. take out the trash every day.
(3) hear someone's cheerful voice as inspiration. it's hard to be cheerful when you're abused.
(4) visualization: examples: you're a tree, with roots, strong, reaching your potential...or you're a horse, galloping free, the garbage abuse can't reach you...or you're in a sauna, the abuse is coming out of your pores, getting externalized.
(5) allow yourself to be happy, enjoy life, even though your LO is unhappy.
(6) pretend you have a loving LO. compare it to normalcy. what would you do if your LO were loving, kind? how would your life look like?
(7) the abuser is holding you back to childhood. every time you get abused, do something different. do something positive for you. don't reach for bad food, for instance. next time, go for a nice walk in the sun.
bundle of joy :)