My elderly parents and the virus; Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

NHWM, Breakfast was prepared in front of us. Workers wore gloves and masks. Same at restaurants along the way. I wore gloves at service stations. Some people at the pumps were wearing gloves, but others not. I used debit card at the pump so I didn’t have to go inside any of the stations. My cousins house is oceanfront at Clearwater. The first day I was there we could see a lot of college age people on the beach. We didn’t go out on the beach. Sat by the pool at my cousins house. We didn’t go anywhere while I was there. My cousin and her husband hadn’t been going out. I didn’t see her children or grandchildren. All in all I think people were acting cautiously. I live in an area that is the last state to have a case (WV) and there still isn’t a case within 50 miles of where I live. But I’m staying inside until it’s safe.

I agree, this could be over soon, this could go on a while. Since ur parents are probably at risk, who can help them when they get home?

Believe me I understand how you feel. Even though they are ur parents they are guests. And ur not comfortable to go off to ur room to be alone. When Mom lived with us, my husband asked why I didn't bring her up to my den to be with me. First, all I have up here is a loveseat. Second, all she could do was watch TV. I don't watch daytime TV and it drives me nuts when its on. So, she spent time in her part of the house and ate with us and then watched evening TV with us.

Seems Bridger had no problems in her trip. But then ur immune system is compromised. Don't think u should make the trip. Such a hard decision.

I got back yesterday from driving my aunt from eastern Ohio to Clearwater, Florida. I saw no closed hotels along the way. Rest areas were open. We stayed in Hampton Inns. All rooms were exceptionally clean. Hand sanitizer at check in desks. Some workers wearing masks.

I took hand sanitizer and Lysol spray and wipes with me. We wiped down all hard surfaces in hotel room. Most restaurants were open for take out. Breakfast we ate at hotel breakfast bars. They were sanitizing tables and chairs after each use. At noon we did drive thru. We took our Lysol spray into rest area restrooms, along with wipes. At dinner we called in a take order to Outback, and other similar restaurants. The trip went well for both of us. My aunt is happy to be visiting her daughter and grandchildren. I’m happy that I took her so that she could visit. Her husband died two months ago and she is very lonely. Driving made for much better arrangements than sitting in a crowded airplane, surrounded by people.

This is a stressful time for everyone. I like the advice I read, take it week by week right now. You don't want them in a heavy populated area. They need help getting their basic needs met.

Have a family meeting and find ways to make the time together more enjoyable. You are able to tell them what you need to get better and suggest other ways they can help. Set up a guideline and a goal. Work toward that. I really think you should go to Florida and leave them in VA. Have a vacation and heal by the water.

It is important to know what kind of support awaits them at home in FL. Do they have someone to shop for them? This is very important, because any state can be on lock down at any time. If there is no support there for them, then I would have an HONEST and open discussion with them. That you are tiring. That you are battling cancer; that you cannot take helping Dad with Mom. That this is a difficult decision for you.
I will tell you frankly, if there is support there for them, then send them home; someone to shop and deliver for them.
If there is not, keep them there. I would not make the decision for THREE months. Take this a month at a time. We will know in about another month just how bad this will be bad AND WHERE.
Tough for all of us now, but I tend to agree with your hubby. Make it VERY CLEAR you cannot do it all, and ask your hubby in what ways he can help you keep them there is necessary.

I think you are the only person that can answer this. If your parents should stay for a bit longer resolve in your mind that this is temporary. If you decide to ask them to leave be at peace with your decision.

Discuss this with your husband. Discuss this with your parents at an appropriate time. I also sought out a therapist to help sort out my feelings. It definitely helps having an objective professional perspective.

Even if everyone has a healthy relationship, too much togetherness can cause friction. We all know this. Parents often still feel they are authority figures. They can only learn to behave differently by your cues. We do teach others what is acceptable for us.

You have expressed your feelings on being responsible for your parents very clearly and honestly. I have complete faith that you are capable of expressing your feelings to them. Sure, it may initially feel awkward but please do not commit to something that you don’t feel is right for you.

You have had your own personal challenges. You need time for physical and emotional healing. Right? Do not feel guilty about wanting your independence.

I can tell you that if I could do things over I would not make the choice that I did. I had different circumstances. I was dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

We all make decisions that we feel are best at the time. I grew to really regret the decision I made as mom became harder to care for.

Keep us posted and vent anytime. Many of us have been been in your shoes, struggling with decisions regarding our parents.

I sincerely wish all the best for you and your family. Take care 💗.

I am a Breast Cancer survivor. The first in my family to have it. I firmly believe that my cancer was triggered by stress. I believe you would feel better if you can come to a decision. If it were me, I would let them go back home to Florida. How can they get there? Could you drive them to lesson exposure? There is a lot they can do to self quarantine. In fact, if they don't use computers or smart phones, you could order food for them to be delivered. Or they could play the "age" card and order over the phone.

One side thing. I don't know if Tamoxifen is still used or not, but when I was on it I had trouble containing my urine. I thought it was my age + pregnancies. It wasn't until I got off of it that I realized it was the medicine.

Where are you getting another three months out of this?

Please know that either way you decide if your parents should happen to get sick, nothing you did or didn’t do will cause it. No place is safe from Coronavirus right now, it’s a risk for us all. It sounds to me like for the health of all of you, knowing that mental health is just as important as physical health, it’s time for them to return to Florida. Your recovery counts. Take all recommended precautions and know you’ve done your best, that’s all any of us can do. I wish you the best

"she’ll want to stay forever because she adores me". But you need to have alone time. Something I've finally learned is that I've always thought that people love me because I don't cause problems and therefore allow them to walk all over me. Quiet people are usually this way. I find out that people still like or even love me when I let them know what I need. And then things are more fair. It seems you really do need to have that alone time. You've been through something horrific. Take care and make the best decision.

If they are in their own place in Florida then they are probably just as safe there as they are staying with you.
The problem may arise if you have to spend the night along the way, many if not all the hotels, motels and the like are shut.
Also you will not get a break when stopping for food as it will all be eating in your car.

And it is not like you can get them a hotel room where you are as, again most if not all are shut down. So until they leave you will not be able to "get away"

Your husband is probably correct if something happens to them in Florida you might feel guilty in asking them to go. On the flip side if something happens to them staying with you you will probably still feel guilty.
Guilt is a funny thing it is an emotion or feeling that we put on ourselves. We make ourselves feel guilty by our reaction someone else can not make you feel guilty.

Do what is best for you and your family your parents will understand.

(jokingly...have them stay in Virginia and you go to Florida!)

Which county do they live in while in FLA? Some counties (Broward/Dade and possibly Orange) have more cases of covid-19 than other areas of FLA. I think that information would be important to factor into the decision.

There will be risks in driving them back to FLA. Will you have to stop someplace overnight? How will you sanitize that place? What food options will be available? Will the rest stop be open?

You aren't being selfish -- this is just a bad situation for everyone and the timing for you is very unfortunate. Is there any space in your home that you can declare "off limits" to everyone but you so you can get some quite time?

Are your parents residents of FL? Is their residency in peril tax-wise if they overstay in VA? If not, are they financially able to stay in a VRBO near you but not with you so you can split the difference? I totally understand needing peace and quiet to recover. And also for your husband's peace as well. Like commented by others, would they drive back or fly? Flying is too risky now. May you have peace in your heart (and body!) no matter what is decided!

How would they get to Florida from Virginia?

Very tricky issue.

Do they want to go home? Have you asked them?

It seems as if they can self-isolate in FL as well as with you and if you are stressed and vulnerable due to weakened immune system (cancer treatment) then why not have them go home?

What if something happened to them in Virginia - wouldn't you feel guilty? What if something happens to you? Wouldn't everyone else feel guilty? Your DH needs to be quiet if he is not going to be helpful.