My elderly parents and the virus; Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

It seems as if they can self-isolate in FL as well as with you and if you are stressed and vulnerable due to weakened immune system (cancer treatment) then why not have them go home?

What if something happened to them in Virginia - wouldn't you feel guilty? What if something happens to you? Wouldn't everyone else feel guilty? Your DH needs to be quiet if he is not going to be helpful.

Very tricky issue.

Do they want to go home? Have you asked them?

How would they get to Florida from Virginia?

Are your parents residents of FL? Is their residency in peril tax-wise if they overstay in VA? If not, are they financially able to stay in a VRBO near you but not with you so you can split the difference? I totally understand needing peace and quiet to recover. And also for your husband's peace as well. Like commented by others, would they drive back or fly? Flying is too risky now. May you have peace in your heart (and body!) no matter what is decided!

Which county do they live in while in FLA? Some counties (Broward/Dade and possibly Orange) have more cases of covid-19 than other areas of FLA. I think that information would be important to factor into the decision.

There will be risks in driving them back to FLA. Will you have to stop someplace overnight? How will you sanitize that place? What food options will be available? Will the rest stop be open?

You aren't being selfish -- this is just a bad situation for everyone and the timing for you is very unfortunate. Is there any space in your home that you can declare "off limits" to everyone but you so you can get some quite time?

If they are in their own place in Florida then they are probably just as safe there as they are staying with you.
The problem may arise if you have to spend the night along the way, many if not all the hotels, motels and the like are shut.
Also you will not get a break when stopping for food as it will all be eating in your car.

And it is not like you can get them a hotel room where you are as, again most if not all are shut down. So until they leave you will not be able to "get away"

Your husband is probably correct if something happens to them in Florida you might feel guilty in asking them to go. On the flip side if something happens to them staying with you you will probably still feel guilty.
Guilt is a funny thing it is an emotion or feeling that we put on ourselves. We make ourselves feel guilty by our reaction someone else can not make you feel guilty.

Do what is best for you and your family your parents will understand.

(jokingly...have them stay in Virginia and you go to Florida!)

"she’ll want to stay forever because she adores me". But you need to have alone time. Something I've finally learned is that I've always thought that people love me because I don't cause problems and therefore allow them to walk all over me. Quiet people are usually this way. I find out that people still like or even love me when I let them know what I need. And then things are more fair. It seems you really do need to have that alone time. You've been through something horrific. Take care and make the best decision.

Please know that either way you decide if your parents should happen to get sick, nothing you did or didn’t do will cause it. No place is safe from Coronavirus right now, it’s a risk for us all. It sounds to me like for the health of all of you, knowing that mental health is just as important as physical health, it’s time for them to return to Florida. Your recovery counts. Take all recommended precautions and know you’ve done your best, that’s all any of us can do. I wish you the best

Where are you getting another three months out of this?

I am a Breast Cancer survivor. The first in my family to have it. I firmly believe that my cancer was triggered by stress. I believe you would feel better if you can come to a decision. If it were me, I would let them go back home to Florida. How can they get there? Could you drive them to lesson exposure? There is a lot they can do to self quarantine. In fact, if they don't use computers or smart phones, you could order food for them to be delivered. Or they could play the "age" card and order over the phone.

One side thing. I don't know if Tamoxifen is still used or not, but when I was on it I had trouble containing my urine. I thought it was my age + pregnancies. It wasn't until I got off of it that I realized it was the medicine.

I think you are the only person that can answer this. If your parents should stay for a bit longer resolve in your mind that this is temporary. If you decide to ask them to leave be at peace with your decision.

Discuss this with your husband. Discuss this with your parents at an appropriate time. I also sought out a therapist to help sort out my feelings. It definitely helps having an objective professional perspective.

Even if everyone has a healthy relationship, too much togetherness can cause friction. We all know this. Parents often still feel they are authority figures. They can only learn to behave differently by your cues. We do teach others what is acceptable for us.

You have expressed your feelings on being responsible for your parents very clearly and honestly. I have complete faith that you are capable of expressing your feelings to them. Sure, it may initially feel awkward but please do not commit to something that you don’t feel is right for you.

You have had your own personal challenges. You need time for physical and emotional healing. Right? Do not feel guilty about wanting your independence.

I can tell you that if I could do things over I would not make the choice that I did. I had different circumstances. I was dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

We all make decisions that we feel are best at the time. I grew to really regret the decision I made as mom became harder to care for.

Keep us posted and vent anytime. Many of us have been been in your shoes, struggling with decisions regarding our parents.

I sincerely wish all the best for you and your family. Take care 💗.

It is important to know what kind of support awaits them at home in FL. Do they have someone to shop for them? This is very important, because any state can be on lock down at any time. If there is no support there for them, then I would have an HONEST and open discussion with them. That you are tiring. That you are battling cancer; that you cannot take helping Dad with Mom. That this is a difficult decision for you.
I will tell you frankly, if there is support there for them, then send them home; someone to shop and deliver for them.
If there is not, keep them there. I would not make the decision for THREE months. Take this a month at a time. We will know in about another month just how bad this will be bad AND WHERE.
Tough for all of us now, but I tend to agree with your hubby. Make it VERY CLEAR you cannot do it all, and ask your hubby in what ways he can help you keep them there is necessary.

This is a stressful time for everyone. I like the advice I read, take it week by week right now. You don't want them in a heavy populated area. They need help getting their basic needs met.

Have a family meeting and find ways to make the time together more enjoyable. You are able to tell them what you need to get better and suggest other ways they can help. Set up a guideline and a goal. Work toward that. I really think you should go to Florida and leave them in VA. Have a vacation and heal by the water.

I got back yesterday from driving my aunt from eastern Ohio to Clearwater, Florida. I saw no closed hotels along the way. Rest areas were open. We stayed in Hampton Inns. All rooms were exceptionally clean. Hand sanitizer at check in desks. Some workers wearing masks.

I took hand sanitizer and Lysol spray and wipes with me. We wiped down all hard surfaces in hotel room. Most restaurants were open for take out. Breakfast we ate at hotel breakfast bars. They were sanitizing tables and chairs after each use. At noon we did drive thru. We took our Lysol spray into rest area restrooms, along with wipes. At dinner we called in a take order to Outback, and other similar restaurants. The trip went well for both of us. My aunt is happy to be visiting her daughter and grandchildren. I’m happy that I took her so that she could visit. Her husband died two months ago and she is very lonely. Driving made for much better arrangements than sitting in a crowded airplane, surrounded by people.

I agree, this could be over soon, this could go on a while. Since ur parents are probably at risk, who can help them when they get home?

Believe me I understand how you feel. Even though they are ur parents they are guests. And ur not comfortable to go off to ur room to be alone. When Mom lived with us, my husband asked why I didn't bring her up to my den to be with me. First, all I have up here is a loveseat. Second, all she could do was watch TV. I don't watch daytime TV and it drives me nuts when its on. So, she spent time in her part of the house and ate with us and then watched evening TV with us.

Seems Bridger had no problems in her trip. But then ur immune system is compromised. Don't think u should make the trip. Such a hard decision.

NHWM, Breakfast was prepared in front of us. Workers wore gloves and masks. Same at restaurants along the way. I wore gloves at service stations. Some people at the pumps were wearing gloves, but others not. I used debit card at the pump so I didn’t have to go inside any of the stations. My cousins house is oceanfront at Clearwater. The first day I was there we could see a lot of college age people on the beach. We didn’t go out on the beach. Sat by the pool at my cousins house. We didn’t go anywhere while I was there. My cousin and her husband hadn’t been going out. I didn’t see her children or grandchildren. All in all I think people were acting cautiously. I live in an area that is the last state to have a case (WV) and there still isn’t a case within 50 miles of where I live. But I’m staying inside until it’s safe.

Well, my daughter who's 26 had to drive 3000 miles alone across the country and had no issues........she left this past Saturday morning & got home on Monday afternoon. Hotels were open, food was available, as Bridger explained, etc.

Yes, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to your parents in Florida. Likewise, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to them while they were visiting you in Virginia!

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Safety at your house is no more guaranteed for your parents than danger is for them in Florida, or safety THERE. We are all going to be exposed to this virus eventually, let's face it. And we will either have no symptoms, very mild symptoms, or severe symptoms. We can't live our lives in a vacuum until this all passes, because in reality, that could take 18 months or more. And, in the meantime, you may not be able to get your folks back home if the hotels are ordered to close. Now is your chance.

Good luck and I hope you can get the R&R you need and deserve. Watching the news all day and entertaining others sounds like a nightmare to me.

Sounds like your Dad is the easier personality to deal with. Maybe you could have a talk with him and say you need to reclaim the study for a couple of hours each day. Maybe pick a time when he can talk a walk or read the newspaper in the living room. Or maybe you can spend time your bedroom, napping or reading, or surfing on the computer -- whatever you like to do. The weather in VA should be improving now - do you have a place where you can walk (keeping social distancing). Do you drive? Maybe take a little drive to a nearby park. Does your treatment protocol give you access to a social worker/therapist? Your new "normal" will take some time to get used to and talking with a professional can be very helpful. There are also group of cancer survivors that can provide a lot of support -- sharing experiences can be very theraputic...plus it gets you out of the house for a while so you can focus on yourself and your healing. Take care of yourself.

My husband said that if something happens to them in FL you are going to feel guilty. Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months,, YOu will feel guilty... Weigh your options... perhaps you can come to a good conclusion.

Maximus I know I'd rather have my daughters where I can keep an eye on them, at the moment. Can't, they're busy, and so am I. But I can feel for your parents. You don't stop worrying about your little chicks just because you're the one who needs care these days, and I'm sure they want to help and support you. Ironically.

Still! - I do feel yours would be better off in a town, with amenities on hand. Try being breezy and matter of fact about the simple practical conveniences, and see if that perks them up. It's still logistically possible to get them home, is it?

you are tired - take some decompression time - sit in your room for an hour
after dinner or in the afternoon / time that is just your own /there will come a
day in your life where you will mis having dinner with your parents .

It depends where in Florida they live. I would not allow them to go back to any county that is experiencing higher rates of the COVID-19

I'd do anything to be close to my parents again. You're lucky you have them because when they are gone....they are gone forever. Can't you just reclaim a part of your house for your alone time? They shouldn't be traveling and just because they live across the street from a market doesn't mean they should be in the market.
This shouldn't be just about you. Were all in this together. Your parents kept you safe and healthy and it is now time to return it to them. Could you hire some help if need be or do you just not want them in your home?

I can appreciate your wish for more solitude and personal recovery time, but I don't think it is wise or safe to travel right now even between states. Try to stick it out at least until summer and then re-assess the safety of travel.

No. They won't realize how much pressure it puts on you and you really need the rest. Be firm. I had mine live with me for about the same amount of time and it is stressful when you are well! It sounds like they will be fine in Florida and who knows how long this situation will last? Good luck!

I was in the very same situation and thought these very thoughts! I feel so relieved to read this. My mother was here for 3 months. I was tormented what to do also. We did take her back home just recently.
She lives up north where it snows and we live south where it’s warm.
We waited until most of winter was over. She really is happier there and my husband and I can get back to being married empty nesters. It was a strain on us. We did our part and she feels confident now to get her meals and groceries. She has elderly friends to talk to. Because of the virus no one is out and about either.
It’s good to be in your own nest and surroundings during this virus.
You have my blessing to go on with your life. Your immune system is fragile and recovering mentally from what you’ve been through is sometimes tougher than recovering from cancer treatment.
There are many articles and studies done on the health of women care givers and it’s not good.
Your husband and your health should take priority over others so that you are able to help out when there is a true emergency situation with them when no other options are available.
Bless you, I wish you well.

I don’t have an answer here, honestly I don’t think there is a good answer just the one that best for all of you. That brings me to one point that occurred to me though, this decision is for all of you to make together not just yours “asking” them to stay or not. Don’t carry that load all by yourself. I’m guessing your parents are in the higher risk demographic based on age and so are you based on underlying health issues so you all need to consider those facts when it comes to travel as well as day to day life. Some things can’t be avoided other things can it’s all a balance. Anyway I would suggest a family meeting or maybe several, including your husband both for your support and reasoning and because he is an intrigal part however you look at it, where you can talk about the reasons to go to Florida and the reason not to. You can be honest about your needs without hitting them over the head with it or making them feel unwanted or unnecessary and it may prove out that the thing they can do to help care for you is got back to FL or not.

That brings me to my other thought. It wouldn’t surprise me if a large part of their desire to stay as well as some of Dads hovering is about concern for you. You went through the Cancer but so did they just in a different way. There is nothing worse that feeling helpless as having to watch a loved one go through something like Cancer, it must be double for a parent watching a child. Your dad being right outside you door that morning was probably more about his worry and concern, you had sniffles (?) I think you said, than himself. He had probably been waiting since 4am when he got up to see how you were feeling! I do think we all want to keep our loved ones close during this time and fear of loosing them or watching them go through serious illness is normal and your parents and husband have a double whammy of concern given your added susceptibility. That doesn’t mean your needs for recovery take a back seat though. It does mean however that even with them gone your need to get back to normalcy in your life isn’t going to be met since we are all needing to find a new temporary “normal” right now.

Good luck, a decision you all make together, whatever that looks like isn’t going to be wrong. Keep coming from a place of love (for yourself as well as family) and remember their reactions are coming from there too probably with a fair amount of fear and concern thrown in. Don’t forget your husband is carrying that as well and sounds like he is carrying it for you and them as well, sometimes helping loved ones help you can really make a difference.

Listen up, whoever will listen: forget guilt! If you are weak physically and/or very stressed by conditions in your own life: you will NOT be a good caregiver. You must take care of yourself, and that means a room of your own, quiet time when you really need it, and time for your husband & children who have to come first !
Babies & little kids are too young to understand; most older adults are capable of it. ONE PERSON CANNOT DO IT ALONE! I am 82, was the only one caring for my mother; and I expect my kids to put their lives + the lives of their children ahead of mine! No way should the burden fall on only one! Parents put their kids first; we can only repay them by doing the same for ours! Find sone kind of help/assistance and survive! You’re not much good to anyone, if you’re not well!

If something happens to your parents you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Your husband and any children above 10 need to pitch in and assist you.Have a family meeting address your concerns and state EVERYONE must do more.Put a sign on your bedroom or whatever room you spend your most time in.

One side says available the other says resting.This too shall pass and you'll eventually get back to your normal.