My elderly parents and the virus; Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

The last post I see from the OP is the 28th.

With all that is going on in the last week since she posted, things are quite different. Florida is getting stricked about who comes into their state. NJ, NY and Conn being their biggest targets. I looked at the VA map and their numbers were actually hire the day that OP posted than today. And, they have been testing. In my area of NJ, DE is right across the bridge and rumor has it DE has told us not to come over there. And our numbers are low, where I live.

All kinds of decisions need to be made. Are they going to be good or bad. They are saying 3 more months we are going to need to "shelter in place".

There is no right answer to this. The fact is that what you want is people to tell you that you've been a good daughter and it's OK to send your parents packing in the middle of a pandemic, Because come on 3 months with them is enough.

If you can live with the guilt that most loving children would feel if their parents got the virus after they'd had enough of them for awhile (or even an acquaintance) go for it! You say that you won't feel guilty because you've done enough. But, you also say that you love them. So if they get sick at home and they might not have if they'd stayed with you, how could you not?

You know I've been at my parent's house in Florida for over 3 months. I am sick of being here. I get it, my husband and I have no privacy. Worse I have to live by their rules. I have to listen to my mom telling me what I am doing wrong, more often than I'd like. I'm sick to death of helping to clean up my dad. He has dementia, a history of bladder cancer, heart problems, can't go to the bathroom by himself and he's been so sick that he couldn't even stand so I had to hold him up while my mom wiped him. Hand her stuff to catheterize him. Even harder she had to have shoulder replacement surgery after she broke her shoulder badly, I had to learn to do that myself while she was in the hospital. Yeah I'd love to go home. I'm sure that my mom would love to have her house back. My brother was here for weeks before us until after the new year.

But, my dad isn't well enough, and he isn't healed enough for my mom to care for alone right now. Even more importantly traveling home would require more exposure to people and places. More risk of getting the virus. With all the shelter in place rules and rules about crossing state lines and quarantine, I am not even sure that traveling home is possible. But no way that I would put my family or my parents, if the situation was reversed and they were with me, through the added risk just because I was feeling too crowded.

With my dad in poor health I am trying to stay as far away from him as much as I can. While still helping with things like getting him dressed and changing him. I use copious amounts of hand sanitizer on top of washing my hands numerous times. I have a 12 year old too. So he has to be cooped up and stay away from the grandparents that he loves while living in the same house. It's hard. I feel for you, really I do. But when you posted this you already knew the right answer. They need to stay. So go have your good cry, because no it's not fair. Yes it sucks. Yes you deserve to have your life back. Then find a way to carve out a space for yourself. Remind yourself that someday you are going to miss this. Likely one day much too soon. It is going to be OK. Just take a deep breath as you look around you and find a way to get through these very trying times. Oh and give yourself a huge hug. You deserve it.

This corona virus is just so bizarre. It is a super virus that attaches and hangs on to every fiber of something near it. And you don't know you have this hitchhiker unitl it's too late.
I haven't seen my best friend in 2 weeks. Even if I promise her I will stay 6 feet away. Our dogs are best friends, and mine misses lil Lili... She only runs when Lili is around.. But dogs are able to carry this virus to their humans too, so we stay out of public parks now...and I don't take her to visit my aunt... one of the caretakers at the board n care is off duty for a bit... she has symptoms now... Hopefully it's only a cold.. If it is more than a cold, that house can be wiped out... 6 residents, 2 caretakers..
This virus is not prejudice. It will attack anyone in its path. So, stay put if you can. Do not get in the cross fires of covid19.

weekend for 4 years with my husband, I spend 3 weeks every 2 months with them in Florida, pay their mortgage and support my brother and I can’t complain that 3 months is a long time? You’re saying I’m going to feel guilty?

(0) Yes, It's the human in us... No matter how much you do, no matter how long you did it, and if you don't check yourself,,, You Will Feel Guilty... Please try not to feel guilty,,,, it sucks, and it's hard to wash it off... No matter how well you did, you think back, and think you could have done more... And it does not feel good... Hopefully, it will not stick to you.... I cannot get rid of it.. It is not fair to my immediate family, They know I tried, they were there with me. It is very hard..They did their best too....

Tbh, I cannot advise that they go to Florida. Everyone has been told to shelter in place.

This is only my opinion and my recent experience.  I would say yes keep them near you for as long as you can, your husband is probably right (he should know you best) that if something were to happen to them while they are away from you that you'd feel guilty.  If your parents are not bothering you, then I highly recommend letting them be with you for as long as you can.  FAMILY is very important, especially our parent, after all none of us would be here if it weren't for the two of them.  
I cry every night and haven't been able to sleep because my mom is in a locked unit SNF.  Two days before the quarantine was issued, she was admitted and I haven't been able to hold her hand, speak to her privately in person, hug her or kiss her for over 2 weeks now and it's been very difficult considering that we would be together every day.  I MISS HER SO MUCH and pray that I will be able to hug each other again.

If no travel restrictions govern the decision, and transportation is readily available, then for all parties concerned departure is the best course of action, unless of course, the gathering is proving beneficial in more ways than one. If hubby instigates the guilt trip and resources are plentiful, and square footage generous, then why not! The more the merrier, catch up on good times, turn netflix on and order in. But rest is a rare commodity, and peace of mind also.

Where in Florida do they live? Some areas are under “shelter-in-place” orders = Hillsborough Co., Pinellas Co., St. Petersburg all are in my neck of the woods - Pasco Co. is thinking about it.

That might make it a bit more difficult for them. But they show have their groceries delivered anyway, since they are high risk.

I fully understand needing alone time. I would be crazy by now, if I were you.

You already know the answer. When you were a child your parents cared for you. Consider how you have phrased the question and your need for me time. If it is truly onerous to be with them why not take a trip to their house in Florida and let them stay put. Invite your husband as well.

odds are you know the answer to that too. Take care stressful times are upon all of us. Family matters and no place is better than home

I totally understand how you feel as I was on chemo for over a year; however as a resident of Florida I would advise you to keep your parents with you. It is not nice here at the moment. Limited groceries is a huge problem. Virus is spreading. I would suggest a bedroom sabbatical, paired with a nice hot tub of bubbles. You can say you are not feeling well and make a "getaway" spot in your home, somewhere. I have a reading nook due to my love of books. In addition, they are not supposed to leave the house according to the presidential alert we received and Governor DeSantis wants no domestic travel to Florida. This is serious stuff. I would not send my parents here. Find a way to have alone time on a consistent basis with them there.

Given the current situation, I think it would be advisable for them to remain with you for the time being. That being said, I think you can make opportunities to take breaks from them to rest and take care of yourself. I suggest that you make your needs clear to them so that they understand. It sounds as if they are fairly independent. I know striking a balance balance is difficult but it is important. Draft a schedule for self care if need be and share it. Take care.

Yes you should allow them to stay for another three months because, if the Covid-19 diseasebis worse in florida you should take your first step in caring for them, and their safety. So yes please for their sake allow them to stay for another three months.

Hello, I think that giving them more time with you is a jewel. I say this for more than one reason. Please read all of the reasons before you feel like this is not worth reading. Here they are:
1. They are the reason that you came to earth.
2. I believe that if they go home, you will worry about them.
3. They will also worry about you and your family.
I don't want to continue telling you why without saying this. My daddy died in 1999.
My mother had a massive stroke in 2005. She lived with me and my husband for 9 years before she died. No, it was not always easy caring for her. I was diagnosed with ms in 1998 and have dealt with health challenges. If I could care for her again, I would!

Our governor is concerned about snowbirds returning & bringing the virus from Florida. I read that Florida could be the next hotspot. I would continue to monitor the situation there, and try to create some space and alone time for yourself while enlisting family help. Hopefully this will resolve itself soon....

Seems there are 2 issues here: your needs and your parents' needs.

Congratulations that you are in remission! Wow! That must have been a harrowing experience: the fear, the treatments, and now the waiting with fingers crossed. I consider that you have been through a battle with a lot of physical, mental, and emotional stress. Like any warrior who has been through a season of intense fighting, you want - and need - some down time. I have a feeling you crave some peace and quiet, some space without the "burden of others" so you can adjust to just being you.

Your parents have been with you for a loooong visit, 3 months. I imagine they came to be near their daughter whom they feared they might have lost. They have been through the emotional and adjustment upheavals too. Now the "virus" is wreaking havoc with everybody's life. Your parents are now the ones at risk of dying: older, health problems, probably more fragile immune systems. Sure, they could "stay in place" in their home in Florida but managing it without family support would be a lot more difficult. Getting to Florida would also present its own challenges: how to get there without exposure to virus, restocking shelves that are empty (toilet paper?!), and negotiating all the "stay in place" rules while caretaking. In many ways, being with your family is their best chance for survival.

The problem is how to give you and your parents the "environment" each needs. You crave - need - alone time. They desperately want time with you. May I suggest that you create "zones:" some that are yours and your hubby's only, ones that are your parents only, and ones that are community spaces. Decide together what schedules, tasks, and needs each person has while living in this situation. You should NOT be the one to do all the household tasks, all the socializing tasks, and all the caregiving tasks. You need to stress to the others that you need "downtime" daily for _____ hours since you are still recovering from your cancer battle. Use your downtime to rediscover whatever recharges your physical, mental, emotional, ans spiritual batteries.... brings you joy! You will probably find that once you are re-charged you can handle the extended time with family a little better... and maybe enjoy having them there.

This is something none of us have seen.
The risk is real.
your parents should not be going anywhere at this point.
I am currently taking care of my 99 year old dad, under home hospice care.
I am the care 24 hours per day, 7 days per week.
He has a home care aide come in an hour per day to bathe him.
God bless them.
I am in a senior apartment, basically one small room, small kitchen, small bedroom with hospital bed for him at night.
I sleep or don’t on the smallest recliner possible lol.
I understand your stress.
I really do. It is real, your thoughts, emotions are real. Your stress is probably sky high. Bless you for taking care of them.
This is not the time to move them anywhere.
Is there room to put a tv where they can watch what they want, then you could?
Honestly they are feeling the same stress, compounded by the stress of the world none of us can control.
I f your husband is with you, go out for a short ride.
Do you have a chair you can place outside for you to get fresh air, even if you have to bundle up.
can you and your husband take a short walk.

Honestly sometimes I go sit in my car out front of his apartment, or just take a short ride around a few blocks.
It does help.

There will be days you feel you can not make it one more day. It is normal.
I think the most important is to get outside to sit awhile, a small ride, a ride with your husband through a takeout joint, to have dinner alone with your hubby. Park somewhere pretty, a park maybe, stay in your car, enjoy the scenery, eat your dinner, roll down the windows and just breathe.

I try to do this once a day. It does help.
Keep them with you.
Take time for you outside daily.
Bless you and your husband. You are the heroes in this.❤️

Your husband and any children above 10 need to pitch in and assist you.Have a family meeting address your concerns and state EVERYONE must do more.Put a sign on your bedroom or whatever room you spend your most time in.

One side says available the other says resting.This too shall pass and you'll eventually get back to your normal.

If something happens to your parents you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Listen up, whoever will listen: forget guilt! If you are weak physically and/or very stressed by conditions in your own life: you will NOT be a good caregiver. You must take care of yourself, and that means a room of your own, quiet time when you really need it, and time for your husband & children who have to come first !
Babies & little kids are too young to understand; most older adults are capable of it. ONE PERSON CANNOT DO IT ALONE! I am 82, was the only one caring for my mother; and I expect my kids to put their lives + the lives of their children ahead of mine! No way should the burden fall on only one! Parents put their kids first; we can only repay them by doing the same for ours! Find sone kind of help/assistance and survive! You’re not much good to anyone, if you’re not well!

I don’t have an answer here, honestly I don’t think there is a good answer just the one that best for all of you. That brings me to one point that occurred to me though, this decision is for all of you to make together not just yours “asking” them to stay or not. Don’t carry that load all by yourself. I’m guessing your parents are in the higher risk demographic based on age and so are you based on underlying health issues so you all need to consider those facts when it comes to travel as well as day to day life. Some things can’t be avoided other things can it’s all a balance. Anyway I would suggest a family meeting or maybe several, including your husband both for your support and reasoning and because he is an intrigal part however you look at it, where you can talk about the reasons to go to Florida and the reason not to. You can be honest about your needs without hitting them over the head with it or making them feel unwanted or unnecessary and it may prove out that the thing they can do to help care for you is got back to FL or not.

That brings me to my other thought. It wouldn’t surprise me if a large part of their desire to stay as well as some of Dads hovering is about concern for you. You went through the Cancer but so did they just in a different way. There is nothing worse that feeling helpless as having to watch a loved one go through something like Cancer, it must be double for a parent watching a child. Your dad being right outside you door that morning was probably more about his worry and concern, you had sniffles (?) I think you said, than himself. He had probably been waiting since 4am when he got up to see how you were feeling! I do think we all want to keep our loved ones close during this time and fear of loosing them or watching them go through serious illness is normal and your parents and husband have a double whammy of concern given your added susceptibility. That doesn’t mean your needs for recovery take a back seat though. It does mean however that even with them gone your need to get back to normalcy in your life isn’t going to be met since we are all needing to find a new temporary “normal” right now.

Good luck, a decision you all make together, whatever that looks like isn’t going to be wrong. Keep coming from a place of love (for yourself as well as family) and remember their reactions are coming from there too probably with a fair amount of fear and concern thrown in. Don’t forget your husband is carrying that as well and sounds like he is carrying it for you and them as well, sometimes helping loved ones help you can really make a difference.

I was in the very same situation and thought these very thoughts! I feel so relieved to read this. My mother was here for 3 months. I was tormented what to do also. We did take her back home just recently.
She lives up north where it snows and we live south where it’s warm.
We waited until most of winter was over. She really is happier there and my husband and I can get back to being married empty nesters. It was a strain on us. We did our part and she feels confident now to get her meals and groceries. She has elderly friends to talk to. Because of the virus no one is out and about either.
It’s good to be in your own nest and surroundings during this virus.
You have my blessing to go on with your life. Your immune system is fragile and recovering mentally from what you’ve been through is sometimes tougher than recovering from cancer treatment.
There are many articles and studies done on the health of women care givers and it’s not good.
Your husband and your health should take priority over others so that you are able to help out when there is a true emergency situation with them when no other options are available.
Bless you, I wish you well.

No. They won't realize how much pressure it puts on you and you really need the rest. Be firm. I had mine live with me for about the same amount of time and it is stressful when you are well! It sounds like they will be fine in Florida and who knows how long this situation will last? Good luck!

I can appreciate your wish for more solitude and personal recovery time, but I don't think it is wise or safe to travel right now even between states. Try to stick it out at least until summer and then re-assess the safety of travel.

I'd do anything to be close to my parents again. You're lucky you have them because when they are gone....they are gone forever. Can't you just reclaim a part of your house for your alone time? They shouldn't be traveling and just because they live across the street from a market doesn't mean they should be in the market.
This shouldn't be just about you. Were all in this together. Your parents kept you safe and healthy and it is now time to return it to them. Could you hire some help if need be or do you just not want them in your home?

It depends where in Florida they live. I would not allow them to go back to any county that is experiencing higher rates of the COVID-19

you are tired - take some decompression time - sit in your room for an hour
after dinner or in the afternoon / time that is just your own /there will come a
day in your life where you will mis having dinner with your parents .

Maximus I know I'd rather have my daughters where I can keep an eye on them, at the moment. Can't, they're busy, and so am I. But I can feel for your parents. You don't stop worrying about your little chicks just because you're the one who needs care these days, and I'm sure they want to help and support you. Ironically.

Still! - I do feel yours would be better off in a town, with amenities on hand. Try being breezy and matter of fact about the simple practical conveniences, and see if that perks them up. It's still logistically possible to get them home, is it?

My husband said that if something happens to them in FL you are going to feel guilty. Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months,, YOu will feel guilty... Weigh your options... perhaps you can come to a good conclusion.

Sounds like your Dad is the easier personality to deal with. Maybe you could have a talk with him and say you need to reclaim the study for a couple of hours each day. Maybe pick a time when he can talk a walk or read the newspaper in the living room. Or maybe you can spend time your bedroom, napping or reading, or surfing on the computer -- whatever you like to do. The weather in VA should be improving now - do you have a place where you can walk (keeping social distancing). Do you drive? Maybe take a little drive to a nearby park. Does your treatment protocol give you access to a social worker/therapist? Your new "normal" will take some time to get used to and talking with a professional can be very helpful. There are also group of cancer survivors that can provide a lot of support -- sharing experiences can be very theraputic...plus it gets you out of the house for a while so you can focus on yourself and your healing. Take care of yourself.

Well, my daughter who's 26 had to drive 3000 miles alone across the country and had no issues........she left this past Saturday morning & got home on Monday afternoon. Hotels were open, food was available, as Bridger explained, etc.

Yes, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to your parents in Florida. Likewise, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to them while they were visiting you in Virginia!

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Safety at your house is no more guaranteed for your parents than danger is for them in Florida, or safety THERE. We are all going to be exposed to this virus eventually, let's face it. And we will either have no symptoms, very mild symptoms, or severe symptoms. We can't live our lives in a vacuum until this all passes, because in reality, that could take 18 months or more. And, in the meantime, you may not be able to get your folks back home if the hotels are ordered to close. Now is your chance.

Good luck and I hope you can get the R&R you need and deserve. Watching the news all day and entertaining others sounds like a nightmare to me.