My elderly parents have been with us for 3 months. They need to go home to FL but now that the virus is bad there should they stay with us? I thought by them going to their own place and looking at the water would be less depressing then looking at brick buildings in Virginia. They have a supermarket right across the street. I know that they would be happier and more secure being with us but I need a break myself being that they’ve been here 3 months and I need to clear my head because and I am in remission from breast cancer only 8 months and I still haven’t mentally and physically recovered. They don’t bother me here but I just need peace and quiet without seeing anyone or listening to the news 24/7 or having to eat together etc. or just even helping my Dad with my Mom. I don’t rest. My husband said that if something happens to them in FL you are going to feel guilty. Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?

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Well, my daughter who's 26 had to drive 3000 miles alone across the country and had no issues........she left this past Saturday morning & got home on Monday afternoon. Hotels were open, food was available, as Bridger explained, etc.

Yes, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to your parents in Florida. Likewise, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to them while they were visiting you in Virginia!

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Safety at your house is no more guaranteed for your parents than danger is for them in Florida, or safety THERE. We are all going to be exposed to this virus eventually, let's face it. And we will either have no symptoms, very mild symptoms, or severe symptoms. We can't live our lives in a vacuum until this all passes, because in reality, that could take 18 months or more. And, in the meantime, you may not be able to get your folks back home if the hotels are ordered to close. Now is your chance.

Good luck and I hope you can get the R&R you need and deserve. Watching the news all day and entertaining others sounds like a nightmare to me.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to lealonnie1
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 26, 2020
Oh my gosh, I don’t like the sound of that, 18 months or more 😞.

Glad your daughter made it home safely.

Are you still working at the memory care facility? Stay safe, Lealonnie 💗.
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This is something none of us have seen.
The risk is real.
your parents should not be going anywhere at this point.
I am currently taking care of my 99 year old dad, under home hospice care.
I am the care 24 hours per day, 7 days per week.
He has a home care aide come in an hour per day to bathe him.
God bless them.
I am in a senior apartment, basically one small room, small kitchen, small bedroom with hospital bed for him at night.
I sleep or don’t on the smallest recliner possible lol.
I understand your stress.
I really do. It is real, your thoughts, emotions are real. Your stress is probably sky high. Bless you for taking care of them.
This is not the time to move them anywhere.
Is there room to put a tv where they can watch what they want, then you could?
Honestly they are feeling the same stress, compounded by the stress of the world none of us can control.
I f your husband is with you, go out for a short ride.
Do you have a chair you can place outside for you to get fresh air, even if you have to bundle up.
can you and your husband take a short walk.

Honestly sometimes I go sit in my car out front of his apartment, or just take a short ride around a few blocks.
It does help.

There will be days you feel you can not make it one more day. It is normal.
I think the most important is to get outside to sit awhile, a small ride, a ride with your husband through a takeout joint, to have dinner alone with your hubby. Park somewhere pretty, a park maybe, stay in your car, enjoy the scenery, eat your dinner, roll down the windows and just breathe.

I try to do this once a day. It does help.
Keep them with you.
Take time for you outside daily.
Bless you and your husband. You are the heroes in this.❤️
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Gabby126
sunnyy Mar 28, 2020
Great advice!!!
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Seems there are 2 issues here: your needs and your parents' needs.

Congratulations that you are in remission! Wow! That must have been a harrowing experience: the fear, the treatments, and now the waiting with fingers crossed. I consider that you have been through a battle with a lot of physical, mental, and emotional stress. Like any warrior who has been through a season of intense fighting, you want - and need - some down time. I have a feeling you crave some peace and quiet, some space without the "burden of others" so you can adjust to just being you.

Your parents have been with you for a loooong visit, 3 months. I imagine they came to be near their daughter whom they feared they might have lost. They have been through the emotional and adjustment upheavals too. Now the "virus" is wreaking havoc with everybody's life. Your parents are now the ones at risk of dying: older, health problems, probably more fragile immune systems. Sure, they could "stay in place" in their home in Florida but managing it without family support would be a lot more difficult. Getting to Florida would also present its own challenges: how to get there without exposure to virus, restocking shelves that are empty (toilet paper?!), and negotiating all the "stay in place" rules while caretaking. In many ways, being with your family is their best chance for survival.

The problem is how to give you and your parents the "environment" each needs. You crave - need - alone time. They desperately want time with you. May I suggest that you create "zones:" some that are yours and your hubby's only, ones that are your parents only, and ones that are community spaces. Decide together what schedules, tasks, and needs each person has while living in this situation. You should NOT be the one to do all the household tasks, all the socializing tasks, and all the caregiving tasks. You need to stress to the others that you need "downtime" daily for _____ hours since you are still recovering from your cancer battle. Use your downtime to rediscover whatever recharges your physical, mental, emotional, ans spiritual batteries.... brings you joy! You will probably find that once you are re-charged you can handle the extended time with family a little better... and maybe enjoy having them there.
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Reply to Taarna

"she’ll want to stay forever because she adores me". But you need to have alone time. Something I've finally learned is that I've always thought that people love me because I don't cause problems and therefore allow them to walk all over me. Quiet people are usually this way. I find out that people still like or even love me when I let them know what I need. And then things are more fair. It seems you really do need to have that alone time. You've been through something horrific. Take care and make the best decision.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ArtistDaughter
maximus1 Mar 25, 2020
Thank you for your understanding. I need to just sit and stare!
It is important to know what kind of support awaits them at home in FL. Do they have someone to shop for them? This is very important, because any state can be on lock down at any time. If there is no support there for them, then I would have an HONEST and open discussion with them. That you are tiring. That you are battling cancer; that you cannot take helping Dad with Mom. That this is a difficult decision for you.
I will tell you frankly, if there is support there for them, then send them home; someone to shop and deliver for them.
If there is not, keep them there. I would not make the decision for THREE months. Take this a month at a time. We will know in about another month just how bad this will be bad AND WHERE.
Tough for all of us now, but I tend to agree with your hubby. Make it VERY CLEAR you cannot do it all, and ask your hubby in what ways he can help you keep them there is necessary.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AlvaDeer

No. They won't realize how much pressure it puts on you and you really need the rest. Be firm. I had mine live with me for about the same amount of time and it is stressful when you are well! It sounds like they will be fine in Florida and who knows how long this situation will last? Good luck!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to wiseowl

I was in the very same situation and thought these very thoughts! I feel so relieved to read this. My mother was here for 3 months. I was tormented what to do also. We did take her back home just recently.
She lives up north where it snows and we live south where it’s warm.
We waited until most of winter was over. She really is happier there and my husband and I can get back to being married empty nesters. It was a strain on us. We did our part and she feels confident now to get her meals and groceries. She has elderly friends to talk to. Because of the virus no one is out and about either.
It’s good to be in your own nest and surroundings during this virus.
You have my blessing to go on with your life. Your immune system is fragile and recovering mentally from what you’ve been through is sometimes tougher than recovering from cancer treatment.
There are many articles and studies done on the health of women care givers and it’s not good.
Your husband and your health should take priority over others so that you are able to help out when there is a true emergency situation with them when no other options are available.
Bless you, I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to MarJV87
maximus1 Mar 28, 2020
Thank you for your help. My 92 year old Dad and my 61 year old husband had a disagreement about something and then he called my husband a “ pussy” because he doesn’t ask his boss for a raise. My Dad says he calls him that because he wants him to stand up to his boss because he feels his boss is taking advantage of him. My husband just recently asked for a raise because it was the right time. Years ago he would have been fired if he did. Also my 90 year old mother said my husband’s personality “sucks”. They always said they tell the truth and boy do they. Now my mom is hurt because I said they’ve been here 3 months and I need my space. I also spent a month in Florida before they came to stay with us. I’m going to write to you my entire story to let you know how much time my husband and I have spent with them. Maybe the people who think I’m awful will understand why I want some space. By the way, I grew up in a very loving and wonderful environment, and now after years and years I am venting. No one has been the daughter and son-in-law we have been to them. So what if I get annoyed! PS If we sit in our bedroom to watch our movies my parents become upset.
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I'd do anything to be close to my parents again. You're lucky you have them because when they are gone....they are gone forever. Can't you just reclaim a part of your house for your alone time? They shouldn't be traveling and just because they live across the street from a market doesn't mean they should be in the market.
This shouldn't be just about you. Were all in this together. Your parents kept you safe and healthy and it is now time to return it to them. Could you hire some help if need be or do you just not want them in your home?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Flowerhouse1952

I totally understand how you feel as I was on chemo for over a year; however as a resident of Florida I would advise you to keep your parents with you. It is not nice here at the moment. Limited groceries is a huge problem. Virus is spreading. I would suggest a bedroom sabbatical, paired with a nice hot tub of bubbles. You can say you are not feeling well and make a "getaway" spot in your home, somewhere. I have a reading nook due to my love of books. In addition, they are not supposed to leave the house according to the presidential alert we received and Governor DeSantis wants no domestic travel to Florida. This is serious stuff. I would not send my parents here. Find a way to have alone time on a consistent basis with them there.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to sunnyy

You already know the answer. When you were a child your parents cared for you. Consider how you have phrased the question and your need for me time. If it is truly onerous to be with them why not take a trip to their house in Florida and let them stay put. Invite your husband as well.

odds are you know the answer to that too. Take care stressful times are upon all of us. Family matters and no place is better than home
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Reply to SunnyGal

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