My boyfriend wants us to move- my mother doesn't. I've been caught in the middle since July. Advice please? Help!

I always find it interesting when the concept of "honor thy father and mother" is invoked as a reason for conscripted or even voluntary caregiving at the expense of one's own life.

HONOR: (noun) - High respect or esteem; adherence to what is right or to a conventional standard of conduct

Now, I'm not going to pick apart honoring - I'm on board. (though I do think many people forget the rest of that conveniently - the part about fathers not provoking your children to wrath - but I digress)

What I want to address is exactly WHY people always dig in and are so highly offended when people - especially people who have BTDTGTS (that would be Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt in case you are wondering) so strongly encourage - without fail - that people pursue their own life.

Let's revisit: Your mother CHOSE to have you. You didn't choose to be born. A popular argument but valid. She chose to have you, so she OWED you a certain level of meeting your needs until such time as you were able to do so yourself. Some mothers do that hands on 24/7. Others do that by hiring help or finding a family member who can care for their child or by working opposite shifts from dad. But they aren't HANDS ON caregiving 24 hours a day.

It doesn't matter though - because whether a mom is hands on caregiving 24 hours a day or her children spend time in the care of others at some point - MOM is still coordinating care and ensuring that her child(ren) are well cared for and all of their needs are met.

Why do I say that? Because honoring your parents does not mean that you have to be their hands on caregiver. Honoring doesn't really have anything to do with taking care of someone. I honor my mother every day and don't lift a finger to take care of her because she doesn't need it. But since there are also verses that address taking care of the elderly and that the role should fall to children first - I will say that doesn't SAY you have to DO it yourself. Only that you should see that it is DONE.

That doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself and sacrifice YOUR entire life to do it. You can find trusted caregivers to do it and you can oversee that her needs are met.

Did your mom get the opportunity to live her life? Get married? Have children? (that's a touch of sarcasm). Why aren't you entitled to that as well? You deserve to have the same chance at life that she did before she needed care.

You can fulfill the things that are expected of you - AND have a life. You just have to understand that you don't have to do it all in person with your own hands.

As far as the BF- maybe with all of the rollercoaster ride that your relationship has been - maybe it is time to move on from each other. BUT NOT to care for your mother. TO care for yourself.

I know this is a late reply, however something tells me that you may not have made a decision about the direction of your life yet.

It seems to me that you see things in black and white, when life is much more complicated and messy.

Your boyfriend of 8 years (not partner) is seen either as caring, or as having abandoned you. Your sister is bad because she has chosen to not be a carer. And your Mum needs to be supported in having everything her own way.

None of this is completely true, it just seems to be true from your perspective.

I don't understand why where your bf wants to live is considered more important than where you want to live (parents and jobs aside). So, do you want to uproot to SC, or were you just placating your bf in your conversations about moving there?
Btw, it's okay to change your mind; just be clear and honest about it.

Nevertheless, he didn't abandon you - he asked you to move too, even to bring your mum along. That's not abandonment: that's giving you an option.

Ultimately, it's your choice. How much do you love him and how much do you want to be with him? How much of a support network do you have in your current location? Would you be worse off in SC?

If you need to live with your mum to take care of her, then she's not capable of living in her own home without help. Why should your life be taken over to take care of her? She didn't take care of herself, otherwise her illnesses wouldn't have only come to light once they were severe. What parent wants to limit their child's life, after they got to live their own one?

You can still be a good daughter by ensuring that your mum gets the help she needs from others and by being her advocate. Your mum will rail against going into either AL or a care home, but that isn't a reason for letting her take away your life in caring for her.

I don't know your financial situation, but I've read here that Medicaid helps those who do not have the means to pay for private care in the US. It's not perfect, but life isn't.

Your sister isn't a carer. That's it. There's no reason why she should be, nor why you should be either.

You feel that you have no choice, but you made choices that got you in this position in the first place. Now, you need to make choices about the rest of your life.

Whether you move to SC should be based on what you want for the rest of your life, not on the current needs of your mum. If your mum decided to stay in California and you want to go to SC and be with your bf, then that would be your mum making her choice. She's an adult, so she's allowed to make her own decisions - and deal with the consequences.

You seem to allow that other people can make choices - your mum, your boyfriend, your sister - but not you. Recognise that their choices should not override your choices, nor should they dictate them.

If you want a life of your own, my advice would be to tell your mum that you can no longer do day to day care - you need to live your own life.
What other choices you make after that should be based on what you want and need, not the wants and needs of everyone else in your life.

Just a few questions, do you work and support yourself or does mom support you? Do you have any skills that would enable you to find a good job in SC? If you are working is your income going to support your mother?
What is your age and your mothers age? Is she able to do things on her own, or are you doing everything for her? Was she told she needed 24/7 care?
Have you thought out the ramifications of staying and taking care of mom LONG term? There will come a point where you will not be able to work or leave the house if you are the 24/7 caregiver. Been there, done that and it isn't something I would ever do again.
There is a lot of things to take into consideration when offering advice.

It's obvious that your mom is very ill. And she will only get worse. So, as others here have said, you could be looking at 10+ years of providing home care for her, and watching your own life slip by.

Your boyfriend still wants you to be with him, and has even included your mom.

Your mom is being selfish and stubborn and only thinking about what SHE wants. She's not being considerate of you having someone to love you in your life. Most moms would want that for their child.

You should talk straight to her and tell her you're going to move, and she is welcome to come with you. If she won't, then tell her you're going to move anyway and give up the POA.

You deserve to have your own life and to be loved by someone who hopefully will be with you long-term.

I bet that once you're gone, your sister will have to step up more. Or maybe your mom will call and ask to go live with you. I doubt she will enjoy being by herself.

You need to live your life. When you say your mom is only here for a short time - you have no idea as so many of us here can attest to. What you think will only be a year or two turns into 5-10 years of your life. Don’t wake up years from now alone because you gave it all to your mom. And ask yourself what was she doing at your age?
Take mom with you. There are some really nice AL communities that will give her friends and activities she probably isn’t participating in now. If she absolutely refuses and you aren’t her POA go anyway. Maybe she’ll come around once she’s in her own. Her needs should not come before yours.

This problem may be over when boyfriend finds someone else. There’s a beach music song often played in South Carolina: “Carolina girls, best in the world….sweet southern pearls…..Carolina girls have good looks and sweet personalities too” and so on. There may be some who don’t have sick domineering mothers. It’s spring there now, the azaleas will bloom, magnolias too. And everyone heads for the beach and goes barefootin’ (another song). Boyfriend is not likely to miss out on the fun.

Is so obvious to outsiders! Dump the BF! He's not your family, obviously doesn't care about you or your poor mother. Severe ties with that loser, and please, please, please care for your poor mom!! You are all she has! I can't even imagine dumping your mother to go Shack up with this jerk. He's not worth the time of day. Your mother is!!! Invest your time, effort and heart into your poor mom....you'll Never regret it. It's called, doing the right thing.

UpsetCaregiver, I will throw my experience here. You mentioned somewhere that you and the BF have had a tumultuous relationship. That right there is telling me it might not be a good idea for you to move to be with him. I had been married for 12 years, my husband took a job in another state and of course expected me to come. We had been having some problems in our relationship, and the thought of moving somewhere and having no friends or family for support if things got worse terrified me. So I made the choice to stay and get a divorce. Best decision ever.

If you'd lose your boyfriend if you 'don't move soon,' he isn't really a boyfriend. He doesn't care or he's had 'enough.' Either way, he isn't considering your feelings or situation. You certainly do not want to feel pressured into moving or doing what 'he wants.'

If he is so intent on moving to SC, let him.
You can do much better.

You need to build up your self esteem. Feel worthy. He doesn't respect you.
However, you need to respect yourself and do what you feel is right for YOU, not him. If he is giving you an ultimatum, then its clear what the future relationship will be - he will do what he wants and he will push or try to (insist) persuade you to do what he wants. He will not respect you when / if you make your own decisions. He will not compromise. Perhaps this is how the relationship has been. Whatever you decide, do not allow yourself to feel / believe that you are 'in the middle.' You are not. Although clearly you feel torn.

You have one mother.
You can find another man - who will treat you better and have the maturity to understand and support you. This one doesn't. You deserve better.

In terms of your mother, she might do better in a nursing home / facility.
This is also a medical decision / based on her mental capacity. However, depending on the health / decision making abilities of your mother, she (also) seems to not do what is in her best interest - and leaves the 'mess' to you to clean up. WHICH IT APPEARS you've been doing. I would advise you to STOP taking care of her in the ways that you are - being her rescuer. This isn't your job / responsibility although you have decided to take this on (i.e. guilt, feeling you have no choice (you do), lack of self-confidence so doing what you feel you are supposed to do rather than what you want to do coming from a place of wholeness.

If I were you - with the limited information you share - I would consider:
1) seriously consider a facility for your mom (get MD diagnosis).
2) not move w the BF - let him go.
3) Get into therapy / counseling to 'find you' - then you will attract a partner who has the maturity and mindfulness to respect you and see you as an equal partner. (You have to feel this way too - before you expect to attract another, to).

You've taken on more than a daughter should, if there are other options.
Clearly, your sister made this decision.

If you decide to care for your mother, then this is your responsibility (as it has been). Make this decision with a clear head and feeling empowered, not feeling you have no choices. You do. First, realize you are not stuck. You feel stuck. When you feel a certain way, you can change it / you. When you believe there are no options, you are stuck.

Gena / Touch Matters

I don’t know where you live now, but South Carolina isn’t a high cost of living state. Nursing home and assisted living care there tends to be less expensive than in some places.

It sounds like confusion because she is torn between the two. Emotions can get the best of us at times. The guy moved because after eight years he decided to leave because time was running out for him and he wanted to get settled and into a new job. Good men are hard to find; especially, guys who are willing to take on a mother.

Okay, suppose the relationship doesn't work out. There are job training programs all over the place, so she will be able to get a job and take care of herself down south. The man doesn't sound like the type who would kick a woman out on the streets.

South Carolina is a good state to live. The mother is being selfish and is trying to tie her daughter to her out of parental guilt. The man said that the mother can come. Daughter needs to put her foot down with mom. I don't know too many men who would suggest this. He was willing for the mother to come with them. She could get into nursing home there.

She had this man for eight years, so something was working between the two of them.

All I can say, I don't want my daughter's life tied up with my care, and I would look for a place for living.

OP had her mind made up to live with mother and care for her at home w/o moving to SC all along. She just came here for backup of that decision, to hear she's a Saint, the boyfriend is a bum for even asking her to move to SC WITH mother, and that we all support her. Period.

OP, if that's what you want to do, then do it! You surely do not need the "support" of a bunch of strangers on the internet telling you you're "doing the right thing" because you won't get that. Ever. What happens when mother dies and you're all alone, no job, no boyfriend, no nothing?

You point your finger at the sister you think is "horrible", yet she's living the life SHE wants and you are not. Believe it or not, there IS a compromise between sheer misery and depression devoting your entire life to mother, and being happy. Doing enough for Maxine that she's cared for w/o giving up your entire life in the process. To the best of my knowledge, the "bible" says nothing about that, whether you're Christian or Jewish. And btw, Maxine at 79 can live another 2 DECADES. My mother lived to 95 with afib, congestive heart failure along with dementia, neuropathy and having taken 95 falls. In a wheelchair.

The boyfriend can be dumped, fine. But take a realistic outlook on whose going to be super thrilled to share his life with you AND your mother down the road? I got married 2 years before my parents moved here and invaded my life, as an only child. I set them up in Independent Living and then Assisted Living, then Memory Care when needed. And it STILL was nearly a full time job for me! Make no mistake that managing an elders life at home or in managed care is a LOT. I am fortunate my husband has the patience of Job, and even then, it was tough for over 10 YEARS of our marriage. But it was manageable. I was happy AND caring for my parents at the same time AND working a full time job for a lot of the time so I could maximize my Social Security benefits. Now I have stage 4 cancer and a wonderful husband to care for me, thank God.

Stick around & read the forum. Learn and absorb the messages here. Realize the messages you DON'T want to hear are those that are most important for you TO hear.

Good luck to you.

"I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore. Seriously. I have been living with responsibilities for so long and trying to please the people in my life- that I have no idea what I want anymore."

THIS is what you need to concentrate on "fixing". Not mom and her needs, not BF and his preferences. What do YOU want? Put your desires first for a time while you try and sort this out - that doesn't make you "bad" or "selfish" to do so!

What sort of a career would give you pleasure, afford you a sense of purpose and keep you financially independent? I very much your therapist is directing you in THIS direction, because, quite frankly, it's one of the most important decisions you can make.

Once you're safely on that path, the rest of your decisions will be much easier.

Now why do you feel like that?

You asked your Sister to help.
She didn't agree, so she said no.

Your Boyfriend wanted to move.
He eventually did so.
You could ask him to return.. but he can say no.

We can only make decisions for ourselves. Not for others. It can be upsetting when others disagree.

When we say no we want to have our choice respected.

Do you respect your Sister & Boyfriend's choice to say no?

Choosing to become your Mother's caregiver is YOUR decsion. A personal one only you can make - for you. Neither your Sister or Boyfriend must bend their lives around that decision. They have no obligation to make your decision work out for you.

I wish you strength on your journey of caregiving. It can be a lonely path sometimes. There are many challenges. Accepting other people's No is one of them.
Accepting help from non-family Is another.

Best wishes.

🎉🙌 UpsetCaregiver, I applaud you for expressing how you feel.

Frustration that your Sister won't help.
Abanonment from your BF.

It's a start!

If you have been seeing this boyfriend for 8 years, why aren't you married?

Your mother is being very selfish, I would tell her she has the choice to either go with you or live wherever she wants to. How old is she and what is her health? My mother was a large part of my divorce and my daughter's mother-in-law is making her life untenable she is on the edge of divorce because he puts his mother first.

I was 65 years old when I remarried. I gave my mother 3 options, she could stay where she was, live in my old house, or we would get her an apartment close to us. She chose to move into my old house. There was no other choice. I would not have allowed her to move into my house with my new husband for all the tea in China. I promised my late father I would take care of her, but I learned I did not have to live with her to do that.

UpsetCaregiver: Your mother can either move to South Carolina with you or into a nursing home. That is a generous offer made by your bf.

After 8 years the boyfriend has no interest in becoming a family.  Family first. The boyfriend can’t understand and respect this. Dump him.

"I am my mother's sole caregiver since 2021 and I live with her."

Hang on..

Who's home are you & Mother in?

When Mother was discharged from hospital, you took her home - to HER home? Or into YOUR home.

It matters.

Lose the boyfriend. You're not even married, so there's no commitment between the two of you.

You can get a boyfriend at any time. But, you'll forever REGRET deciding to not take care of your mother, especially when she dies.

In your position I would carefully consider two things. First is the question of whether or not you and your partner actually have a committed relationship. He did tell you he wanted to move. I doubt that he made the actual move without telling you. I would not move to another state unless I felt the relationship was solid and that you have a future together. You say he abandoned you but maybe you abandoned him? Secondly is the fact that you’re not living life for yourself first. You cannot be a full time caregiver living with your mother and have a good personal life. You need help to be able to do that. Your mother is holding you hostage and you’re allowing it. You need to figure out what you want for yourself, not what others want for you. Only then can you make decisions about moving and/or having mom move to ALF. If you’re not making progress with your therapist, choose to see someone else with whom you feel comfortable and confident you’re making progress. Blessings to you as you move forward.

Upset,
In one of your responses, you say that your boyfriend abandoned you at your lowest. I don't see it that way. If moving was always the plan, he finally made a choice to stop waiting and make it reality. You have made your choice to stay with your mother. But, you resent her because she is unwilling to move with you.
You are not stuck.
You are just so overwhelmed with emotions that it is hard to think clearly. And you have two people pulling on you to do what they want. It is up to you to decide what YOU want. If you feel you belong with your mother, you can:
a) Let the boyfriend go. He got tired of waiting. And he may get tired of the long distance relationship, waiting for you to make a decision to be with him.
b) Tell your mother that you are moving. She has a choice. She is welcome to move with you so you can continue as her caregiver. Or she can help choose an Assisted Living Facility or Skilled Nursing Facility and let you go live your life.
In a healthy parent/child relationship, a parent would not want to be a burden and would want to see their children living their best life.
Is it possible that you have doubts about your future with this boyfriend, and you are using your mother as your excuse to keep from moving on?

As some respondents have suggested here, your mother may be selfishly manipulating you. Only you can ask yourself if that is the situation. If you are not moving on with the life you feel you deserve out of guilt, then perhaps it is time to stand up to mom and make it clear what your decisions are going to be.
You do not have to feel guilty about choosing a nursing home. And you can not expect your sister or anyone else to take on the burden that you have chosen.

Good luck. I hope you can clear your mind and decide what is best for you.
Yes, I said best for you. Not what your mother wants, not what your boyfriend wants. And if you are afraid of making a "wrong" decision, that you will later regret, You might. Life is a journey, and sometimes we find ourselves down the wrong path. But there are always new paths to discover, ones we can't see yet.

The dude hasn't married you after 8 years, he forfeit's his vote.
If you said my husband, then it would be a family decision, currently it's yours.
On the other hand, you pickup and move and a year later they guy decides to move-on. Your mom's in a NH and your in SC by yourself.

I'm in the same situation with my mother and husband with debilitating back problems. He wants to move out of state to a rancher but she refuses to move. She said my brothers will take care of her & they bowed out.
The guilt is horrible.
My suggestion is give her enough warning & time to understand you are moving. Can she go with you? Good luck. ❤️

A boyfriend who has not married you after 8 years of being together is not worth abandoning your mother over. He should not be part of the care you are able and willing to give your mother. At this point, he has chosen moving to South Carolina over a commitment to you. Pay attetnion to that. For a whil you might miss "having a boyfriend," but it does not sound like a relationship worthy of prolonged grief.

Take care of your mother and honor yourself as someone worthy of being respected in a relationship.

Dear friend, I'm so sorry for your stress and for the demands of others on you. Any "advice" you may receive will only be from another point of view than yours, and ultimately, you are the one who is being pulled from all directions and it seems that people feel fairly comfortable taking advantage of you. I'm terribly sorry. Is there any way that you can free yourself from guilt first and foremost? Personally, and this is truly only filtered through my lens and might not at all be yours... I would not value a partner who didn't value my intention to care for loved ones. It would be a deal-breaker for me. Surely, you are not yet married and "committed" legally, but after 8 years, it may be possible for your boyfriend to move and for you to have a long-distance relationship... And if your sister would throw your mum into a care facility if left to care mostly, maybe she'd agree to taking a week per month in which you could travel to your boyfriend? It seems reasonable for your boyfriend to want to have his own place with you. But nevertheless, guilt is the least helpful of any emotion, in my experience. Doesn't lead to anything very helpful, and is completely unnecessary (my own opinion). You could easily choose to see your service until now as justification for pursuing your own joy. This may, however, negatively influence your relationship. Your boyfriend may feel pressure that you've sacrificed so much for him and he might not be able to value that...
Bless you in this difficult time and how you've stepped up.

This is an awful situation, and my heart goes out to you.

If you move to South Carolina with your mom, then she’ll need to be placed because your boyfriend is never gonna wanna live with her. For someone who is unwell, this big of a transition seems like it would be very difficult for your mother.

If you place your mother in a nursing home now and you move to South Carolina I think you’ll find it very difficult not being able to see your mother with any true frequency. Seeing her every couple of months or every few months it’s nothing and even that might seem a lot with travel, cost, etc.

No matter what you do, I think you’re gonna feel torn. My gut instinct is to lose the boyfriend. I understand his impatience and wanting to move forward with his life, but it’s kind of gross that he took off without you and now petulantly expects you to come join him or else. Do you really want to abandon your mother and turn your life upside down for someone who left you?

A lot of people on the forum will tell you go live your life prioritize your own needs but somehow it just never sits that well with me. Yes, I’m codependent, but I just can’t imagine leaving my mother behind when she needs me and then having to live with myself when she passes, knowing I’ll never be with her again, either way it’s not an easy decision.

Sorry for the long-winded response but now that I’m even thinking about it harder, even if he’s the love of your life, are you really the love of his? Are you simply a convenience to him, he took off without you, is that someone who is committed? Will be there for you if you get sick? Is he just there for an easy convenient ride? I just feel like his behavior seems to lack maturity and the gravity of what he’s asking of you, but I do support him moving on with his life if this situation isn’t right for him,

It would be nice if you could get a therapist even if it’s short term to work through these big decisions. Whatever you do, don’t make a rash decision.

Is there a ring on your finger?
A promise of a new life together?

If not, he is the one who got away.

No confusion necessary.

A lot of people here are seeing this as a location issue rather than a lifestyle one.
My sister is 54. She moved a block from my parents three years ago. Her priorities are her 13 yo and mom, who function as a cohesive family unit. There simply isn’t room for a relationship.

This is where Upset is.

Igloocar & Taarna raise very good points to think on.
Independance & location.

Take your Mother & Boyfriend out of the equation just for the moment.

Where would you live if you were without either of them?

In your town? Near existing friends? Close to your sister, or cousins?

Or are you wanting a change? Would love to try living in South Carolina? Or somewhere else entirely?

IF you chose your current location..
Another option could be to live SEPARATELY to Mother.

Return to being your Mother's daughter & not her fulltime caregiver.

Could this free your mind to allow you to create your own future?