My boyfriend wants us to move- my mother doesn't. I've been caught in the middle since July. Advice please? Help!

Let the boyfriend go.
Stay as your Mother's fulltime caregiver.
Your committment is to your Mother.

Move with your boyfriend.
Make a life with him.
Accept your Mother needs a new solution for her health care needs.

Brutal choice.

Which one does your gut instict tells you is right for you?

Which would you regret more?
Losing your relationship with your boyfriend? Or losing your identity of being Mom's Caregiver?

How to have both?
Could you be with your BF but remain a loving daughter who calls, visits & advocates for your Mother?

I wouldn't sacrifice the only life I'll ever have for mom. If you love your boyfriend and want a life together, you deserve that. If you lose him and never find anyone else (because no one wants a relationship with you because your mom always comes first), you'll feel awful for the rest of your life. So in your mind you've set up feeling awful for the rest of your life whether you choose your mom or your boyfriend. This isn't a good way to think.

Then the nursing home - there are good nursing homes where a person gets 24/7 care by professionals. This could benefit your mom a lot. She'd have friends, outings, birthday celebrations, entertainment, medical supervision, visiting musicians and pets, and transportation to medical appointments. That looks a whole lot better than living with either you or your sister.

Go visit several skilled nursing facilities. Or maybe assisted living facilities, if she doesn't need skilled nursing yet. You will be pleasantly surprised.

If you honestly loved your boyfriend with all your heart and soul, this wouldn't even be a discussion, as you'd already be in South Carolina with him living and enjoying your life.
So the fact that you're not says a lot, and tells me that it's time to let this poor man go so he can get on with his life and find someone that puts him first in their life and that truly loves him.
You are obviously not in a position for any kind of romantic relationship as long as you are putting your mother first.
And I must say...shame on your mother for being so very selfish that she would allow her daughter to not live and enjoy her life, but instead be strapped down caring for her, when there are plenty of other options out there for her, i.e. hiring part-time or full-time help, moving into an assisted living facility or the like.
So until you can put on your big girl panties and decide that your life matters too and that your mother will be just fine(under others care)if you move on without her, I hope you live happily ever after with your mother.

No man in his right mind would want to come second to your Mother.

You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. She isn't being reasonable or cares about your life. This is wrong of her.

The caregiving arrangement needs to work for the caregiver or it isn't a viable arrangement. If you stay you will burn out and become depressed and resentful.

Considering all her health issues, I would have her assessed for LTC, which in every state is covered by Medicaid. Hopefully you are your Mom's PoA and you can make this decision in her best interests whether she likes it or not. Will she like it if you leave? Then if she's rational she'll choose to move. I realize it's a huge step for someone her age and health... but as a Mother myself I cannot imaging guilting my child into being my endentured servant for the remainder of my life.

In SC, do not bring your Mother into your home to care for her, even if your BF agreed it. This would be a moral and ethical mistake and your life would still orbit around your Mother and not your BF.

My MIL is in LTC in a very nice facility (on Medicaid). It's a beautiful place where she gets excellent care and interacts with a caring staff who encourage her to attend the activities and events. She gets way way more social exposure and has more "fun" there than she ever would if she were cooped up in a single room in my house with a burned out and resentful son and DIL.

Go live your life. This is the loving wish every normal parent has for their child.

You deserve to be happy again. I would hire a caregiver for mom parttime for now.You have done your best and to give up the one you love could make you resent all the good things you have done for mom.That is such a hard place to be in.Your sister and mom are being selfish.Mom needs to let go and sister needs to help.

Are you over the age of 18? If the answer is 'yes' then you aren't stuck anywhere or in anything. You are choosing to let mommy have total control of your life through her abusive neediness.

Do you know what abusive neediness is? It is when a person has needs and is dependent on another and uses their needs or conditions as weapons to manipulate and control the life of the person or people they are dependent on.

This is what your mother is doing to you.

You are very lucky to have a good man who is willing to take your mother in. He will move on if you don't make a decision and well he should.

Let me tell you something else too. Your mother is dependent on you to meet her needs. When someone is dependent on another they are not the one who makes the decisions or "allows" anything. So take the word "allow" right out of your vocabulary when dealing with your mother.

Tell her plainly that these are the choices you are giving her.

She moves with you to live with your boyfriend in South Carolina or she goes into a nursing home where she is. No debate. No discussion. Either it's move or a nursing home.

As for how you will feel guilty and depressed over it for a long time.
Grow up and drop the baby act and the fear of feeling guilty and depressed if you don't give mommy her own way. That's ridiculous. Aren't you embarrassed by such nonsense?

You're offering your mother a choice on how to stay out of a nursing home. Whether or not she likes it or it's exactly what she wants and how she wants it is up to her not you. You've offered to take her with you. Either she goes with you or to a nursing home. That's it.

Your sister is the smart one here. Be more like her. Get your mother into AL and get on with your life.

Only you can decide the value of this guy to you. You have been with him 8 years and he is still in "boyfriend" status. To me that says a whole lot.
I myself live with a man I am not married to. At 81 I have been with my "partner" for 36 years. But it was a decision between us, having met in our late 40s when we'd already EACH raised two daughters, to become legal domestic partners rather than to marry. This was for very good practical reasons and it has worked well for us.

Yet I can tell you right now that if my man chose to move when he knew that I was very close to family and in fact caregiver to my mother, and to be forced to leave my mother for him because he "simply wanted to move somewhere else", I would likely stay in the care of my Mom if that is what I wished to do.

You say you are in the middle. For me the choice would be easy if I wished to continue to care for my mom. I would tell my boyfriend I hoped we could remain friends, and tell him he is free, and to seek someone he could be happy with.
I am assuming you never promised him you would move to him. I hope not. Because if you did you led him to believe he could move and you would join him, all the while without knowing you could.

So again, this depends on your closeness to this "boyfriend". You certainly KNOW him well enough after 8 years. But the fact is you are now in a position to either:
A) tell Mom "BF and I want to marry and live in Carolina. You are welcome to move with us; but I am leaving by mid year".
or
B) you can tell BF "I have wanted to care for my Mom and you moved knowing that. She won't move, so I free you now to seek another. I will be staying."
The decision isn't an easy one, but no one can make it for you.

As to sister, she doesn't figure in any of this at all. She has chosen not to be a hands on caregiver. In all truth that would be my own choice for my own life as well. She has made her choice and is clear in it.

I certainly wish you the best in your decision. It sounds like either way you are facing a loss.

You give Mom an ultimatum. You are moving. She has two choices, she goes into a nice Assisted living near sister or she goes to a nice AL near you. She cannot live alone and you cannot care for her anymore.

You're telling us you'll be miserable with EITHER decision you make!

Move to SC, get mom in a SNF "and feel awful for the rest of your life."

Or live with mom and lose your boyfriend who you've been with for 8 years.

And all because mother refuses to move.

Who's holding YOU hostage here, my friend? Who's put you in this miserable position in the first place?

Put the ball back in MOTHER'S court now and let HER make the decision FOR you:

She either chooses to move to SC with you or she chooses to move into a nursing home.

Why on earth does SHE hold ALL the cards here? There in lies your mistake. She's been given way too much power. By YOU.

You're fortunate the bf wants her in SC at ALL.

I am really going to get beat up here, but I always do, so here it goes:


Why after eight years are you not married to your boyfriend?

I think in any event you do not owe your mom and I would agree with the advice to move to SC and if your mom does not want to go, then AL/SNF it is.

But at the same time, why move when there apparently isnt indication of commitment.

So bring it on, I am a man, I can take it

Upset, I’m not surprised that “my priest didn't tell me straight out”.. “that taking care of parents is in the Bible”, because it would be a lie. It’s NOT in the Bible. The Old Testament commandment is “honor thy father and they mother”, and the tricky word is ‘honor’. It’s a translation from Aramaic to Greek to Latin (if you are Catholic) to English, and there are lots of nuances in every translation. The most likely meaning is to ‘show respect in public’, not to run them down. Very different from compulsory aged care.

It is nice that he wants mom to move.
Tell mom....
"Mom, "Ben" moved to South Carolina and I am going to move as well. We want you to move with us. If you don't want to move we are going to start looking for Assisted Living places next week. I will make appointments tomorrow"
Do not let her hold you back.
An Assisted Living facility is NOT a "nursing home" if mom needs Skilled Nursing that would be a different level of care.
Assisted Living facilities have activities that keep people involved, they provide transportation to doctor appointments, shopping and other outings. Most are just like an apartment with kitchen but most will encourage residents to go to the dining room for socialization.

You really have 2 choices.
Let mom rule your life and ruin any chance with your boyfriend and let her get her way.
Establish YOUR boundaries and follow your path,

The person who needs assistance is the one who needs to compromise. Your mom isn’t holding you hostage you are. What do you want you do? I think you are afraid to go to SC so you are allowing your Mother’s refusal to move as an excuse not to live your life.

Thank you for all your advice but so far all of it is just confusing me more. My mom doesn't want to go in any of those facilities and I can't blame her because I wouldn't either. A lot of the advice is kind of insulting to me and my life and it's making me feel worse. It's attacking me when all I'm looking for is help, advice, or direction.

I think mom AND bf are both being selfish.

Personally, I think the best thing for YOU is to 1) place mom in an AL and 2) tell your BF "It was fun while it lasted, but I'm moving on". Find a career where you can support yourself, so you NEVER have to depend on another person to live. If need be, look into grants for students and go back to school to get your degree. Pursue a career that will afford you both purpose and financial independence. Then you can seek a relationship with someone who will view you as an equal partner, not someone who can be strong-armed into making a decision that will leave you unhappy, no matter what you choose.

If you are getting "pulled" in two different directions, cut the cord on both sides and come up with a third option that suits YOU.

I’m not one to put a high value on if or when you get married, but you guys being so’s for eight years suggests more than a dating relationship. And his actually inviting himself to live with, and thus help take care of, mom is truly heroic. He must really love you to invite her.

It’s difficult, but you will eventually decide. You need to know that people ‘best guess’ but also change their minds. You BF “he told me- through this whole relationship (8 years)- that he eventually wants to move but he would NEVER move without me”. Then after 7 years, he did. Now you don’t trust him – you are “questioning everything he's always told me”.

You may well have told yourself and your mother that you would ‘NEVER put her in a nursing home’. Now you are getting suggestions that you might do just that - but you say you “will feel awful for the rest of my life”.

You too can change your mind – about BF and about M. Even if now you are committed to ‘feeling awful’ forever, you don’t have to stick to it. You need to provide your own “help, advice, or direction”, since you don’t like the advice and direction provided here. What other ‘help’ did you hope for?

There are pros and cons to both situations. That does make it difficult to make a decision. But you do need to make one. And once you make it, don't second guess yourself. Just move forward and let the chips fall where they may.

You are getting mixed advice because the path is not 100% clear. Or even 80%.

I don't know it it's fair to question everything your BF says just because he said he would never move without you. I bet he never could have imagined that your mother would need so much care and live so long and that you would be her sole caregiver for what seems like forever. You really can't blame him for moving on to live where he wants to live. How much of his hopes and dreams should he give up because you refuse to consider any other arrangements for your mom?

There would be nothing wrong with putting your mom in a facility. She may hate it, she might not. Either way, it's up to her and not your problem. My mom has been in AL for 1.5 years and she's not happy. But I'm a LOT happier not taking care of her.

So you have enough input from here and from your family. Time to decide and put your plan in action.

Best of luck.

It sounds like you are not feeling comfortable moving to be with the boyfriend . Perhaps this relationship has run its course as you are not happy with some of his beliefs and actions . Let him go . Yes , you can break up with him . You don’t have to wait for him to do it .

As for your mother , she needs to go in a facility so that you can go to school or get a job and take care of your own life and financial needs . Your mother needs care , but you need to think of your needs first .

You are unhappy with the boyfriend and also trying to please your mother at the same time .
How about doing what would make you happy ? What would that look like ? I bet it wouldn’t be either of the two choices you have stated here . You don’t have to be caught in the middle . Choose you instead of either of them .

As long as you believe your mother should come before any boyfriend , please don’t date.

Upset, I believe the solution has to come from you. Nothing wrong at all casting your net wide for a range of advice! But in the end, YOUR path needs to be choosen by YOU. To fit with YOUR values. (Not to fit other people's values).

I'm not religious but *honour thy parents* comes up alot on the forum. What IS honour - to you?

Honour (to me) means RESPECT.

I can certainly RESPECT my elders without obeying their every want, wish or whim. Eg I can respect that many of my family members hold dear the ideal of *family helps family*. Yet I do not let this control me.. not let it dictate how I spend my time, who I help or how I help.

Have your read the book Boundaries: When to say yes & How to say no (by Dr H Cloud & Dr J Townsend). This book helped me tremendously.

It sound like you really want to take care of your mother or else you would have put her in a NH already. There are loses in both directions here. You are trying to take care of two ppl, you are going to feel horrible which ever way you chose to go. I think you have to cut them both lose and free yourself to live.

Edit: I removed my post after reading more replies from the OP.

All I can add is people show you who they are.

BF said he wanted to go. He finally left. He showed he run out of patience.

Upset said she wanted to care for her Mother. She stayed. She has showed what she wants to do.

I think if you wanted to go with your boyfriend you would have decided to make that happen and found alternatives for your mother.

Did you live with your boyfriend ? Does boyfriend have a home or apartment set up for you and him? Is that is plan for you to move in with him? when was the last time you visited him in SC? Got friends there? At least it’s on the same coastline…
take mom with you on vacation there. Plan to visit a couple of assisted living places near BF’s home. Tour them and plan a couple of outings for the 3 of you.
you’re living in mom’s house now. Do a lil bit of thinking and weigh out your options with mom’s house. You may want to lease it out to traveling nurses and doctors . Do short term lease to get income. Test out the living conditions with your man, and AL for mom. It’s a tough road to navigate, but keep options open.. if things don’t seem to work out, you can go back to that home…
my DH & I stayed close to our parents..
Hope things work out well with your BF.
Take mom on that lil vacation.. is it warmer in SC? You may want to play with the positives of migrating south.
tell sis she can take mom for 6 months and you’ll take mom for the other 6 months..
different options..
don’t lose your man, and figure out how to get mom to see the positives about moving.. AL facilities are popping up all over.. they have activities and all that good social stuff..

Men are not as patient as women when it comes to moving on. You can't stay with mom forever. Don't waste your youth like I did. I had a daughter when I was young in a very early marriage. Met a guy after my divorce, and he wanted me to move with him back to Massachusetts after he got set up in his dental practice. He told me what he wanted, and I wanted the same thing. We both wanted a commitment. I was to go and get further training and a job. Family mess got in the way for the both of us. He had problems at home. I got stuck in a mess taking care of my mom and my disabled sister. My dad left me holding the bag and went to live with his girlfriend. I made one trip one weekend and stayed with a relative. I could tell he was disappointed because he wanted me to come to him but he read my actions as being otherwise. What happened was he ended up marrying someone else in the next state from where I lived in the DMV area. I ended up in a hellish relationship with a second loser husband. He ended up divorced from the woman he married. I made some very crappy and self-destructive moves due to my first husband screaming about paying child support a whopping $130.00, and I was in a state of confusion. Even though I worked and was in college here in my hometown, things were never the same for me.

I missed my chances. After a second divorce, I stayed single for seven years before I met my late husband, and he died in 2016.

I contacted this guy the following year. I sent him a Christmas card, after I looked him up thirty four years later. We had one conversation, and I didn't hear from him anymore. I sent him a thinking of you card but never heard back. So, I let this go. Two years later, I found his obituary.

I'm saying all this to say; go visit your boyfriend. If nothing else, you will be able to tell if you want to be with this man or not. Don't let your mother's needs take precedence over your own happiness. Men get tired and move on, and you will become a distant memory in their minds. I wish I had the guts that some of these young women have today. I would have flat out told my father, I'm out of here. Handle you own damn mess you created with your wife and your family, took my daughter and went to live in another place. Now, I'm an old woman, scared all the time and live with a house full of cats. LOL The two men I loved are dead. One was during my youth, and the other was during my middle-aged years.

My advice to you is go alone to visit even if you have to pay for care to come in to care for your mom while you take your trip. Do not drag your mother along on this trip. You deserve a trip away from your mother. Don't let your emotions bounce you all over the place. The question is this; do you and your boyfriend want a stable commitment?

You seem pretty adamant about caregiving for your mom in her home as long as you can, even though you sound burnt out.
This seems like a fundamental difference as to what's important to each of you in your relationship.
Since that's the case you might as well call things off with the guy. No sense in dragging things out.

Upset, if you are still here. Hang in there!

Back to the start... it appeared to be a Parent vs Lover tale.
But it's so much more.

It's also your town vs Boyfriend's new town.

I think the largest part of your puzzle could be your perceived obligation. Based on your values, your faith, your personality - kind heart. Maybe extended family expectations or cultural expectactions too?

But it's also who to please?

What about YOU?
This is YOUR life. What do you really want? If you were totally free for a day to do what you wanted - what would it be?

Your sister has established boundaries and preserved her life. Boyfriend must think the world of you to wait so long. Gently, it’s no surprise he grew weary of playing second fiddle to your Mom; it’s amazing he invited her to move too! It’s your choice. To regain your own life with a man that clearly cares about you or increasing demands of caregiving that may go on for years. He’s ready to move on with or without you.

If your mom is so bad off that she needs a nh, then she can’t have just one person taking care of her.