My boyfriend wants us to move- my mother doesn't. I've been caught in the middle since July. Advice please? Help!

I know this is a late reply, however something tells me that you may not have made a decision about the direction of your life yet.

It seems to me that you see things in black and white, when life is much more complicated and messy.

Your boyfriend of 8 years (not partner) is seen either as caring, or as having abandoned you. Your sister is bad because she has chosen to not be a carer. And your Mum needs to be supported in having everything her own way.

None of this is completely true, it just seems to be true from your perspective.

I don't understand why where your bf wants to live is considered more important than where you want to live (parents and jobs aside). So, do you want to uproot to SC, or were you just placating your bf in your conversations about moving there?
Btw, it's okay to change your mind; just be clear and honest about it.

Nevertheless, he didn't abandon you - he asked you to move too, even to bring your mum along. That's not abandonment: that's giving you an option.

Ultimately, it's your choice. How much do you love him and how much do you want to be with him? How much of a support network do you have in your current location? Would you be worse off in SC?

If you need to live with your mum to take care of her, then she's not capable of living in her own home without help. Why should your life be taken over to take care of her? She didn't take care of herself, otherwise her illnesses wouldn't have only come to light once they were severe. What parent wants to limit their child's life, after they got to live their own one?

You can still be a good daughter by ensuring that your mum gets the help she needs from others and by being her advocate. Your mum will rail against going into either AL or a care home, but that isn't a reason for letting her take away your life in caring for her.

I don't know your financial situation, but I've read here that Medicaid helps those who do not have the means to pay for private care in the US. It's not perfect, but life isn't.

Your sister isn't a carer. That's it. There's no reason why she should be, nor why you should be either.

You feel that you have no choice, but you made choices that got you in this position in the first place. Now, you need to make choices about the rest of your life.

Whether you move to SC should be based on what you want for the rest of your life, not on the current needs of your mum. If your mum decided to stay in California and you want to go to SC and be with your bf, then that would be your mum making her choice. She's an adult, so she's allowed to make her own decisions - and deal with the consequences.

You seem to allow that other people can make choices - your mum, your boyfriend, your sister - but not you. Recognise that their choices should not override your choices, nor should they dictate them.

If you want a life of your own, my advice would be to tell your mum that you can no longer do day to day care - you need to live your own life.
What other choices you make after that should be based on what you want and need, not the wants and needs of everyone else in your life.

I always find it interesting when the concept of "honor thy father and mother" is invoked as a reason for conscripted or even voluntary caregiving at the expense of one's own life.

HONOR: (noun) - High respect or esteem; adherence to what is right or to a conventional standard of conduct

Now, I'm not going to pick apart honoring - I'm on board. (though I do think many people forget the rest of that conveniently - the part about fathers not provoking your children to wrath - but I digress)

What I want to address is exactly WHY people always dig in and are so highly offended when people - especially people who have BTDTGTS (that would be Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt in case you are wondering) so strongly encourage - without fail - that people pursue their own life.

Let's revisit: Your mother CHOSE to have you. You didn't choose to be born. A popular argument but valid. She chose to have you, so she OWED you a certain level of meeting your needs until such time as you were able to do so yourself. Some mothers do that hands on 24/7. Others do that by hiring help or finding a family member who can care for their child or by working opposite shifts from dad. But they aren't HANDS ON caregiving 24 hours a day.

It doesn't matter though - because whether a mom is hands on caregiving 24 hours a day or her children spend time in the care of others at some point - MOM is still coordinating care and ensuring that her child(ren) are well cared for and all of their needs are met.

Why do I say that? Because honoring your parents does not mean that you have to be their hands on caregiver. Honoring doesn't really have anything to do with taking care of someone. I honor my mother every day and don't lift a finger to take care of her because she doesn't need it. But since there are also verses that address taking care of the elderly and that the role should fall to children first - I will say that doesn't SAY you have to DO it yourself. Only that you should see that it is DONE.

That doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself and sacrifice YOUR entire life to do it. You can find trusted caregivers to do it and you can oversee that her needs are met.

Did your mom get the opportunity to live her life? Get married? Have children? (that's a touch of sarcasm). Why aren't you entitled to that as well? You deserve to have the same chance at life that she did before she needed care.

You can fulfill the things that are expected of you - AND have a life. You just have to understand that you don't have to do it all in person with your own hands.

As far as the BF- maybe with all of the rollercoaster ride that your relationship has been - maybe it is time to move on from each other. BUT NOT to care for your mother. TO care for yourself.