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And your childrens' solution to this problem is.....?

Ask them that. In a very neutral tone of voice.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
I like that! Thank you!!!
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They can visit grandma wherever she goes just as easily as visiting her at your home. They can call her too, send cards or small gifts.

Encourage them to visit her as often as they can. They should not judge you. She is your mom, their grandma.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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My adult children know that if/when the time comes that I can no longer care for pops I will tell them. They can then decide what to do about that. They can either allow me to place him in a care home or they can take him to live with them. They don't get to put guilt on me for any care-giving choices I make. I'm pretty firm on that issue. I do what's best for both of us and only I get to decide what's best for me. You aren't leaving her alone by placing her in long term care. She will actually have more people around her than she does now.
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Reply to faeriefiles
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Lostinva May 7, 2019
Thankyou for your response. I’m working on the guilt! I’ve cried so much over all of this. A friend has told me that I need to take care of myself or I will go before her!
I did go for a tour of a long term care facility today. Very impressed! I want her there, waiting for Medicaid to go through. I even took myself to lunch & shopped a bit. My dear husband stayed with Mom. I needed this day!
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Let them take in grandma. Let them chew on that answer. People who tell you what to do without walking in your shoes have no business telling you.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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There is no need to feel guilty. If you are not able to take on such a big role there is no need to allow your children (who by the way I don't see where they are going to do it) have you feeling guilty. I love to use the line from the airplane emergency instruction with decision I make. You must put the oxygen mask on your self first before you attempt to help any on else with their mask. All that mean to me is if you don't make sure your okay first the you and them will end up going down. Do what you need to do and just make regular visits, have meal with you mom, take her out or have her stay over night on holiday, etc. Keeping your strength in my prayers.
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Lostinva May 7, 2019
Amen! Thank you!
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Enlist their help to visit grandma frequently at the new facility so she doesn't feel displaced. She will soon make new friends and have a new routine.
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Reply to katiekat2009
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I can honestly say I've been on both sides of this particular issue. When my mother put my widowed grandfather in a nursing home, my brother, sister and I were angry. He was living in his own home next to mom and had caretakers coming in all day. He was usually okay at night. Then, he started getting up at 3 in the morning and wanting to drive. Mom was getting no sleep running next door in the middle of the night and she was working full time. We kids were all out of the house and would come over here and there to do things with him and take him out to give her a break but we had no real idea what she was going through.

Then, a few years ago, Mom was living with me and my kids and started roaming around in the middle of the night. During the day, the kids and I were at work and school and she was alone. Her doctor informed me that she needed 24/7 attention and we just couldn't provide it. It was hard to do, but luckily my brother and sister agreed. They didn't feel they could provide 24/7 care either. She isn't entirely happy in the facility but I take her out for dinner and shopping every weekend. We take her out for events like 4th of July fireworks, etc. I have her overnight from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. The family assembles for holiday and birthday dinners. Is it an optimal situation for everyone? No, but times have changed. People are living longer now, retiring later if at all, having kids later in life, and families need 2 people working just to survive. I wish there was a better answer but, unfortunately, there isn't. As the baby boomers age, this is going to be a real problem for just about every American family.
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Lostinva May 7, 2019
Thank you so much! I plan on doing those activities with Mom too! In the meantime each day is difficult.
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They probably don’t have a realistic understanding regarding how their grandma’s health has changed. It’s hard to accept medical decline and they probably “see” her (ten years or so) younger .

Explain that you waited as long as you could, but you can’t keep her safe. Explain this is doctor-recommended and you can’t keep up with the physical and emotional toll.

They aren’t mad at you, they just are panicked to see their grandmother declining. They want to stop time - and feel that everyone is still “okay.”
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Reply to ACaringDaughter
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Well, frankly I'd suggest that they take grandma to live with them! I have a real issue with people who criticize but would never stand up to it themselves.  Since they are actually out of the picture, they get no vote IMO. Drop the guilt.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2019
Love your answer! My answer is pretty much the same.
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You say Us in your profile. Does that mean husband? He can explain to them how hard it was to care for Mom. Really, I had no idea until I had Mom. Its like having a baby again. Worrying they will fall. Do something they shouldn't and don't understand why they can't. Er runs.

You are caring for Mom and placing her somewhere where she will continue getting care and be safe.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2019
Worse than a baby. Babies grow up. Parents become helpless.
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Ah yes, got to love the armchair critics, don't you? Not to mention that Gma is NOT alone in a long term care facility........she's surrounded by people all day long, hello!?
I agree with what the others are saying.....have your 4 children come by and do the caregiving for their grandmother 24/7 and see how long they last. Then you can sit back and give THEM advice while they're breaking their backs! Those who aren't involved just DO NOT get it.
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
I get a lot more critics than support! I have 3 sons & a daughter. The boys definitely wouldn’t help, my daughter lives closest, she doesn’t see Gma in her “glory” though when she’s acting out!!! I’m just tired of being judged on my decisions. Thankyou!!
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My brother does all the CG for mother. he has help, he simply chooses t not let the rest of us sibs in to lighten his load. We KNOW 24/7 care is simply untenable.

Yes--get the kids on board. I doubt they would last a day, forget about a month!

Take a short vacay and enlist their aid for 2-3 days apiece. see what falls off the tree after that. Likely they'll be helping you pack her things.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
You are so right, not a day. I didn’t mention but my only sibling lives 700 miles away & he’s no help either. Just tells me to do whatever I want & he’ll support me!!
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It is really easy for people who aren’t involved in the day to day care of an elder to sit on their butts & give their opinions. Your children think it’s wrong to leave grandma alone? What a bunch of hypocrites, they have left her alone themselves, have they not? My response to them would be to ask when they plan to come take care of her?
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Reply to worriedinCali
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
Thankyou so much, you did my heart good, my eyes are being opened! More support on this site than I’ve had in months!!!
(8)
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No they don't know the struggle, and unless they are willing to get off their butts and help out then they have no say. And how do they get to say you will leave her alone? You will probably go see her and oversee her care, and that will take time too.
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
Yes, she will only be 15-20 minutes from us & as a nurse, I tend to assess & oversee everything!!!! My kids know I wouldn’t allow her to be in a hell hole or mistreated!!
(5)
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Insist that they come one at a time and stay for a month doing everything you did daily. Then they can decide which one of them will take her to their house for permanent caregiving. Oh, yes, remember to give them aging care website to help them get through the day.

Unless you deal with it you have no idea how difficult the actual day to day care is.

Don't let them bully you into keeping her home.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
You’re absolutely right, no idea! They just get upset with me that I get upset with Mom!! She can work in your last nerve! Nasty, nasty!!!
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